Thursday, August 02, 2007

Cry At Will!

I am locked outside my house. I am banging on the door but no one is within. Well, not no one. There are cats, but they are listening to music really loud, so they can't hear me knocking.

I live in what some might call a house that was built about a decade & a half before I was born. The house, unlike me, is not afraid of the eventually colonscopy - as it has put it, "Wasps have lived on me. Rats have burrowed around my foundation. What do I fear someone sticking something up my ass? Have you seen my sewage line? I feel sorry for the fucking doctor!"

My house stopped speaking to me a few minutes ago. It wanted to talk about John From Cincinatti which, though I am enjoying it, doesn't seem as important as getting into the house right now. I have to make a radio show, it needs me to shut the damn cats' music up!

It made me think of an apartment I once knew. It was a little gay - you know how apartments are - but whenever I locked myself out - er, I didn't mean to imply that I currently locked myself out - I mean, I'm not that careless - but anyway, the apartment I knew was kinder than my house. My house is like, "Ha ha, asshole, can't get in the house. The dogs have been tied up by the cats & they're shitting all over your records, ha ha ha."

Anyway, I got to get inside. I am writing this with my mind. Tomorrow I am planning to do my show with my mind as well. Unless, you know. I lock my brain in the house.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Whither Bathing?

I like to be clean. I am happy to be living in a part of the universe where I can be clean. My hair gets greasy. My skin gets dry. I need a bath & cremes & lotions & wraps & powders & expensive gadgets to not be a crumbly, sweaty, smelly thing. & that's just in the morning. By afternoon I need a quick shower & a group of scary Italian men to rub essential oils all over me before the end of the workday. & of course a bath in ice-cold lamb's blood at the end of the night, with a Cuban cigar & a cup of fair-trade tea, to keep me from the night terrors.

It's your average Western Civilization lifestyle, & I am damned lucky to have it. So I don't think it's too presumptuous to celebrate it with a Self Help Radio about it. In fact, I would say it's part & parcel with my other radio shows celebrating the incredible luck I've had being born in the United States. My show about having a very low probability of being the victim of sudden, inexplicable violence was a big hit, as was my show about being very fortunate to not have to worry about diseases in my tap water. Of all my shows on this theme, my least popular one was the one about how buying a hybrid car is the main way I can save the world. Even my equally self-deluded American listeners saw through that shit.

But! We can celebrate being clean! It's certainly something the whole world wants, even if it's impossible for most of them. I think the admonition "Think clean thoughts!" is appropriate here, although we should qualify it - don't make the thoughts themselves clean (as in, not perverted) - but make the thoughts about being clean!

Also, I am working on a way to make listening to Self Help Radio the equivalent of taking a ninety minute shower. Details forthcoming.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Preface To Bathing: Is It Okay To Shower While Drunk?

The learned professor of smarty-pants stuff, Edmund Noggin, once produced a widely-derided study of the effects of certain drugs (including alcohol & tobacco) in the shower. Some background may be needed: Professor Noggin (or Nogsy, to his prostitutes) felt that he was way too grubby for his own good, & he bathed over six times a day. He was not strictly a shower man; he could & did enjoy a warm bath whenever the moment felt right. He developed over time a permanent wrinkliness to his skin. Mainly people thought he might be a pug. Despite that, he continued to test - mainly on himself - the effects of normal day-to-day experiences while in the bath or shower. The results were not really all that exciting, but it made him happy. His articles were never published in American scientific journals, but later it was discovered that many of them were translated poorly & ended up in Communist Party Newsletters in small towns of the former USSR satellites of Latvia & Lithuania.

Here are some excerpts from his report on drugs in the shower:

Alcohol: Need to remember not to sip directly under the shower head... Easy to slip & fall & break glass. Easy to get confused & accidentally eat soap.... Re: gin & tap water - my god, does gin go with everything?... If you pass out in the shower, most likely the cold water after the hot water runs out will wake you... Delicious.

Ecstasy: Oh sweet mother of god. Oh gracious universe. Oh this feels amazing. Why should I ever leave? Why won't anyone ever just love me like this water is loving every part of my body right now? I need to find someone to shower with me!

Marijuana: Got hungry, skipped the shower, fell asleep in front of the television.

LSD: Water is made of light. They lie, those scientists (I can't believe I once thought of myself as a scientist!) when they said light's speed is constant. Can't you see, water is light, wrapping itself around you, dripping off you. It takes the unclean parts of you when it leaves, so I am watching my bad parts slowly get sucked down the drain while I am replaced entirely with light. This world has poisoned me, there is so much of myself to replace with slow, solid, nourishing light!

Tobacco: It's fucking hard to keep this lit. Next time maybe I'll try a pipe.

Speed: I've never been so clean. I cleaned between my toes. I cleaned between my hairs. I think I also cleaned the shower. & the bathroom. & wrote this report. & typed it. & sent it out.

Monday, July 30, 2007

A Tale Of Two Radio Shows

This past weekend, I did two radio shows. One was my normal (used conditionally) show, Self Help Radio. The other was another KOOP show, which I subbed, called Stronger Than Dirt. You can click on the link to see what sort of show that is, if you're not familiar with the song it's named after.

On one show, two people dressed as bunny rabbits showed up. On the other, someone strange called & told me "I sounded familiar" but not because they'd heard me on the radio.

On one show, gods that take the form of bunnies were professionally discussed. On the other, footwear of deejays was unprofessionally discussed.

On one show, uncomfortable & unconventional commentary about rabbit poop was celebrated. On the other, Canada was unsuccessfully located on a map.

On both shows, incredible music was shared with the people of Austin. But you don't have to take my word for it (or even be in Austin). Both shows have been made digital exactly as they happened & are available for your listening pleasure right here. What are you afraid of? What are you waiting for?

I am sleepy now. I'll nap while you listen.