Saturday, July 24, 2010

Friday, July 23, 2010

A Blog Reminisces: When I Was 900

Bunny, you're a weirdo. Someone asked me to write a song in the middle of dinner, so I used snatches of conversation for lines 2 & 6 & for an unusually large portion of the chorus. Then I proceeded to inform the guest panel that I, indeed, helped write the controversial lyrics for the Will Smith song which contain the profound lines, "You saw my blinker, bitch."

Is it cosplay if you dress like Donny & I dress like Marie? Someone told me the best way to enjoy ackee & saltfish is not to eat the saltfish & to compliment the ackee. No, ackee fruit is not tacky fruit. You're thinking of mangoes. What fruit have you not eaten nor heard of? There is a remarkable amount of fruit on this planet, you certainly can't have tried them all.

In Proverbs, you might read, "Pride goeth before destruction, & an haughty spirit before a fall." Then you might think "AN haughty"? That's very British. Don't the British often fail to pronounce their aitches? Like they say "ello" & "ospital" & "omoseuxal"? Then wouldn't that read, in King James English, "a naughty spirit"? Is a haughty spirit always a naughty spirit? Who's translating whom here?

Can I raise half a glass (I drank the other half already) for 900 blog posts on this worthless blog? Let me put it another way. Is it at all possible any of you never-sober Onanists - who can't be bothered to even pretend to care at this point about my self-indulgent radio flights of fancy - would mind if I made a meaningless toast to a meaningless achievement at this point in the alcoholic proceedings? If so, please, might I suggest that you venture outside to play a game of hide-&-go-fuck-yourself? If not, then, hooray! A toast to 900 entries on this blog! May the fates be kind & not make me write 900 more!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

A Life Underlived

Weird "milestones" like writing almost 900 blog posts make me think about the things I don't do or accomplish more than the things that I have done or plan to do. For example: when you log on to Blogger, it gives you a screen which lists all the blog you "subscribe" to or "follow." Wanna know how many I am subscribed to? None. Nada. The blogs I read regularly are bookmarked on my browser, so I don't have to log on to Blogger to find them. It may seem a ridiculously small thing, but it saves me that one step.

But it does mean I exist outside whatever community could possibly be created by being a "follower" of a blog. You know, they might notice that I like their blog, & return the compliment. Or someone who likes one of the blogs I like might notice this blog. There are always good reasons to dip one's toe into the lukewarm pool of human interaction, not the least of which is to alert folks who might not know that there's something called Self Help Radio which isn't a self-help radio show at all.

I just don't do that. I have a myspace page & a Facebook page & of course the website & this blog & really I don't do much else. Some might say what I already do is a lot - other, more popular radio shows don't even bother. But if I were an up & coming band, this would be the bare bones of what I'd do to promote myself. & I'm not up & coming. I'm down & going.

The blog thing is pretty easy to maintain & write in, & it doesn't smack of crass hype. (That's a redundant phrase.) Also, since no one reads this, I'm not too worried about the content, which of course is probably why I don't try to enter into some kind of reciprocal relationship in the blogosphere: it's not a very interesting blog, is it.

I guess, though, it's better than 899 posts of my awful poetry. Hey! I could make a blog of that!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Countdown To 900!

Imagine, I'm two posts away from 900 entries into this blog! That means that, if I write here today & tomorrow, Friday will be number 900. Not all of the entries have been full-sized & virtually none of them were interesting, but it's surely something of an achievement. I've previously tallied the length of time that it took to reach other milestones, so let me update that (assuming, as I probably shouldn't, that I'll reach 900 by Friday):

I started this blog on September 12, 2006.
The 100th post happened on March 7, 2007. That would've been roughly 176 days later.
The 200th post happened on August 13, 2007. (158 days after the 100th post.)
The 300th post happened on January 9, 2008. (149 days after the 200th post.)
The 400th post happened on May 26, 2008. (138 days after the 300th post.)
The 500th post happened on October 14, 2008. (141 days after the 400th post.)
The 600th post happened on March 25, 2009. (162 days after the 500th post.)
The 700th post happened on September 23, 2009. (186 days after the 600th post.)
The 800th post happened on February 19, 2010. (149 days since the the 700th post.)
& the 900th post will happen on July 23, 2010 - which would make it 154 days since number 800.

If I add it all up, it's 900 posts spread amongst 1,413 days - an average of .64 posts a day. If my math is right, & it probably isn't, that's about one post every three days.

By the way, virtually no one visits this blog, which is about right, since that's also the number of people that listen to Self Help Radio. I have "Google Analytics" installed to keep track of visits, but I don't think it's all that reliable - I've talked to people who've said - sincerely, so I should believe them - they've downloaded & listened to certain shows, & the Analytics contradicts them. But if I just use the Analytics data, I can see that this blog has had a mere forty visits in the past month, & of them, it says, only eleven were "absolute unique visitors." If you're reading this, you're an absolutely unique visitor. That makes you awesome.

Should I plan something special for number 900? I sure like adding up days. We'll see. One special thing that'll happen that day for sure is my love returns home from Africa then. That's celebration enough for me!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

There's A Riot Goin' On

On July the twentieth, 2010
I was serving time in the state pen
Ten o'clock at night
I was ready to do my show
I heard a whistle blow
And I heard somebody bellow

There's a riot goin' on!
There's a riot goin' on!
There's a riot goin' on!
Over at!

Yes, you can listen to today's Self Help Radio by clicking the above link. It's the closest thing to being in a riot short of having a self-important neighbor beat you down with a truncheon. Listen!

Whither Riots?

Ah ah ah! you say. You, sir, have been slacking off! We know for a fact that today is your show, & usually you write your "whither this theme" or "whether that theme" on the day or so before your show! In fact, isn't it true you haven't written anything in this blog for days & days?

It's true, I haven't written since Saturday. But I have good reasons!

Everyone always thinks they have good reasons for neglect!

Well, now, I don't mean to neglect this blog. I spent the day Sunday in Lexington, Kentucky, for reasons that may become clearer later.

Ooo, a mystery!

No mystery - we're relocating there. & by we, I mean, the family. Self Help Radio will still be produced by increasingly deranged clones of myself in a little shack somewhere outside of Lincoln, Nebraska. Or Hong Kong. Wherever they've stored the cloning machine.

So Self Help Radio will be on the air in Lexington!

You're not listening.

What happened Monday?

In what spirit is that question asked?

Why didn't you write in this stupid blog, you self-involved homunculus?

Oh, I've been going through my old stuff, throwing most of it away - like I should've done in Austin but there was no time to do before we moved. I spent hours yesterday. I found some amazing stuff.

Such as?

None of your business. Do you wanna hear about riots?

Can't I just wait for the show today?

You can!