Friday, March 09, 2007

A Friday Gambol

Did you know that there's a radio show show on in Austin on Fridays called (believe it or not) Self Help Radio & it's hosted by a man who's not only not a zombie nor a robot, but who also is the main chronicler of the war on sailing? It's true. It's on Fridays at 4:30pm. You can listen online if you are not from these parts (remember, you may have to translate from Texas time) live at You are welcome to come. But the fruit cups are for the celebrity guests.

Today's show will be some sounds from bands that are coming to Austin next week for a little-known musical festival called "Over By Over-Rated." If you happen to be coming to town, please come visit KOOP. If you happen to be coming to town & you're going to visit KOOP, & it's a Friday afternoon, come visit me. I'll put you on the air & we'll cry about our lost youth.

Before I disappear for the week, here's a "Song Of The Day". It sounds a lot like the sort of music you'd hear on a show I really like on KOOP called Cinemaphonics. It's by the Herbaliser from their record called Take London. (Take it where?) It's called Song For Mary & once you click on it, you can add, "& it goes like this..." It will stay there till oh let's say March 23, 2007.

I'll be seeing you on the radio today! I mean. What?

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Jesus Answered Letters On Thursdays

It's true, look at II Carpathians 3:14 to 5:13 (inclusive).

Today's letter doesn't really make a lot of sense unless you're really drunk on cough syrup & then try to revive yourself by doing twelve espresso shots in a row. So do that, then read this:

yoou wanted me to write ---- i saw ON your blog --! tell me all about yourself --!-- i dont live in AUSTIN so your station is a ??mystery??-!--- do you PLAY music or is your shoow FOR peoople?-?---!-- is THIS the sort of questioon you like US to ask you?-----becayse I can't think oof ANYTHING MORE!---
--from C in COLORADO---

The writer's name is not a single letter. I just abbreviated it because I didn't know how many people in Colorado had a name that started with the letter C. That way you can only guess who it is. You'll never be sure.

Unless you know someone who uses that many dashes in their email. That's intriguing. I must start doing that. I'll probably start doing that. I swipe weird written habits sometimes without thinking about it. Just because it looks neat. Although I'll need to study this writer's ways a little more first. I'd hate to do it wrong.

To respond to the email:

I can't tell you all about myself in this short space, but I can recommend you try to find my OTHER blog (& no, not the one on my embarrassing myspace page), which is much more confessional & contains my unfinished philosophical treatise, I'm Really Sorry, Can I Try Again?. (Now that I think about it, the title of that is ironical. Who knew?) I keep that blog a secret, primarily because of the popularity of a blog I am about to start, one that chronicles the war on sailing. That blog, for better or worse, will make me a household name.

My show is a musical show, but it's also for people. I regularly lament the fact that a lot of radio shows these days are not for people. The number of radio shows for zombies & robots has increased exponentially, & indeed, my own radio station has at least two shows for zombies. (Robots occasionally stop by, especially when they hear the word "programmer," but so far only a couple of KOOP shows have courted robot listeners. This is because robots have a lot of money. Zombies hardly ever have any money, & when they do, they eat it.)

& by the way - just because zombies used to be people doesn't mean they are now. So they can enjoy their "morning zoo crew" all they want, but no people listen to that - & if they do, it'll turn them into zombies.

Finally, those questions are the sorts of questions I like to be asked, yes. Luckily for you, I am capable of answering those sorts of questions with completely different responses every time they are asked. So please, write again. At some point, one of my answers will satisfy you.

& now, a "Song Of The Day". I was listening (as I do) to T Rex, specifically this probably redundant collection I got called T Rex Rocks! & figured I'd share. This appears to be the only "alternate version" on the collection, so maybe it's new to you. It's Rock On, & you can listen to it by clicking the song's name. You may continue rocking until March 22, when I will remove the mp3. Whether you continue to rock after that is up to you.

Tomorrow's show is all about bands I like who are coming to town for an obscure music festival we have every March. Tune in tomorrow at 4:30 pm!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Whither SXSW 2007?

Welcome to the 100th post of my Self Help Radio blog! It's such a special occasion I've made this entire entry out of cheese.

This week's show is my recommendations for bands that are playing "South By Southwest." I am playing bands I like. If you choose to go to see them, fine. Just don't mention me. Bands don't like that I like them. I'm not "cool" enough for them. My "ego" is not "strong" enough to take their "abuse." So let's let the fact that I like them & they'll be in town just be our little secret.

In fact, I won't really be involved in the music side of "South By Southwest" at all. I'll instead be involved in the custodial side. You guessed it - I was able to pay the outrageous ten dollar fee to get an official "South By Southwest" dustpan & broom. It's sad, they strap them to your wrist & you can't take them off until after the festival. I'm so excited by this - every morning around five am I get to go out & clean up after partyers & bands!

"South By Southwest Custodial" is a big step forward for me, & I like the way they sell it. Did you see the bullet points on the brochure? Here are highlights:

* Clean up after the famous & not-very-famous alike!
* Get lots of exercise in a stale-beer-smelling environment!
* Find out secrets of the famous & not-so-famous - like whether they can hold their liquor & what they had for dinner - by hosing vomit off of bar floors!
* All guitar picks, jewelry, money & drugs you find you get to keep! Teeth & limbs must be returned to their owners.

So you & I may not cross paths during the festival, but every time you spill a beer - every time you crush a cigarette under your shoe - every time you take a leak backstage - think of me.

Hey! Here's a "Song Of The Day". It's by DJ Yoda, a turntablist whose work I enjoy & from whose mix tapes I've stolen samples, from his record last year called The Amazing Adventures Of DJ Yoda, which was good but not great. Here's a track, featuring the Jungle Brothers. It's called Playin' Around & you should click on it & celebrate this blog's 100th post. It'll remain here till March 21, 2007, at which point I'll have finished this blog's 200th post. (Wait. What?)

Hooray! 100 posts! Someone get me a cheese shredder & we can eat!

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Preface To SXSW2007: Where's The Line Start?

I confess that, though I have lived in Austin for seven hundred years (this September), I have only taken part in "South By South West" a couple of times. I kind of wish I had been a part of it back when it was surely more personal & fun - when a wristband went for a few bucks & when a local band really could count on it as a chance to showcase their skills. Now it feels like a Hollywood awards show - pre-scripted, down to the winners. Of which, heavy sigh, I am not one. Or else I'd doubtless feel differently.

But I play my part. I play songs from bands I like on my show. I make it to day shows (since I can't afford the pound of flesh it takes to get a wristband, &, even if I could, I never pay any attention to the deadlines for purchasing such things) if there's something I want to see, & I feel a little envious when people flaunt their gift bags, their amazing stories ("& then, from out of nowhere, BOB DYLAN stepped onstage & took a shit on the audience!") & the general starfucking that some of my friends like to engage in, for whatever reason (true admiration, ambition, a weird desire to fuck the almost famous).

My envy isn't really, "Gosh I wish I had been there to do that!" It's more, "Gosh I wish I had the energy & desire, the drive, the actual wherewithal, to go out & do shit like that." I'm not made like that - perhaps I never was. & having gone through the snail pantomime that is Customs at Gatwick, I have no desire to wait in any long lines for the time being. Also, I don't smoke anymore - what the hell do you do in a line when you can't smoke?

If you're coming to town for "South By South West," I hope you have fun. Just remember to listen to me on the radio. You don't need a wristband & I always delight. When I am not irritating. Or pouting.

Today's "Song Of The Day" is a sweet shy boy song from The Legendary Jim Ruiz Group that I found on a collection put out by Chickfactor & released a few years ago called All's Fair In Love & Chickfactor. The song is called Ariel, & you can click its name to hear the song. The mp3 will stay right here until March 20, 2007, at which point it'll disappear.

Tomorrow: my one hundredth post here. There will be blood.

Monday, March 05, 2007

This Monday Haiku Wrap Up Is Full Of Feist

I hid all last week & no one found me. That makes you "It." Ha!

Here are the winners of the hiding haiku contest - I hope their prizes find them. If you want to write a haiku to be read on the air, just be aware that the theme this week is South By Southwest. Write away! We list the winners from fourth place to first:

I was underground
But not hidden, just searching
Looking for my roots


Is it called hiding
When I spend time all alone
With guilty pleasures?


The sky masked with clouds
Concealing terrible night
Hiding the new moon


Watch love stowaway
In the great cruise of your life
Then fall overboard

Did we have a limerick? We did!

In the old Scottish River called Clyde
There beasties are said to be spied
No matter your wishes
‘Tis certain they’re vicious
Your hide it is best that ye hide.

Thanks all! You don't need to hide any more!

Two things:

1) Last Friday's show about hiding has been digitized & can be listened to if you missed. Just go to this page & consume it all up.

2) Today's "Song Of The Day" is from the Smithsonian set American Musical Theater: Shows, Songs & Stars, Vol. 2 & is a song from Lady In The Dark, from the original run & sung by the wonderful Gertrude Lawrence. It's the darkly comic song
Jenny, & clicking on it will show you that you need to learn the song's lesson about making up your mind. I'll leave it here for two weeks, until March 19, 2007.

Tomorrow: there's a music festival coming to Austin. Why do I care?