Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Twas The Night Before The Night Before Christmas...

& I just got an email that had the subject "she tugs the shit out of his cock & he fucking loves it!" Ah, 'tis the season!

Well, you can listen to "A Very Self Help Radio Christmas" & a Christmas episode of Dickenbock Electronics with you & yours (or alone, like I will, with a loaded gun & bottle of Jameson) now on the Self Help Radio website. It's guaranteed to clear the house of family visitors when they're outstaying their welcome.

Please have a safe & happy season & thanks for listening to Self Help Radio. It's the best gift I get all year round.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


Do you remember the first time you were strangely yelled at for referring to Christmas as "X-Mas"? I do, actually. I was working in a 7-11 on the late shift (11-7, if you must know) during my third year of college (so, twenty years ago) & there was a very tall, very cute, frizzy-haired hippie girl who'd come in to shoot the shit with me (& get free stuff, because she flirted with me), & her name was Monet. For reals! I think I even once asked to see her ID, & it was her real name.

I don't remember working there past Christmas of 1989, but at some point I surely must have been behind the counter when there was something - a plea for donations on a plastic container, a magazine, some sign from the management - that read "X-Mas," & Monet came in, like she did, late at night, quite drunk, wanting some soda from the soda fountain or something, & she saw the "X-Mas" sign & went ballistic. "They're trying to take the Christ out of Christmas!" she yelled at me. "I hate that!" & in that drunken way drunk folks have when they're pretty drunk, Monet expounded on her theory, surprising me because I just didn't know that tall, frizzy-haired, cute hippie girls who came into 7-11s on weekend nights as drunk as priests could be religious as well.

Did I tell her that the X really means Christ as it is based on the Greek spelling of the name? Nah. I didn't know that then. I didn't really care. Even though I was madly in love with the woman I was dating at the time, I appreciated cute chicks spending time with me, even under ridiculous circumstances.

Maybe I'll tell this story & others equally goofy tomorrow at 1pm on WMUL - 88.1 fm in Huntington - & later on of course archived on - for my annual Christmas show, called (of course) a Very Self Help Radio Christmas. Do tune in. You know Monet won't be.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Whither A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2009?

Indeed. At this point in the festivities it's important to stop & take stock. Ask a few questions. Digest & commiserate.

The young lady with the bulldog in the back wants to know what she will be getting for Christmas. While this is certainly not within the purview of this discussion, the panel might agree that if she is so impatient at this point, the chances are she will not be satisfied with what she does get, even if it's of equal or greater value than her bulldog.

The oblique triangle on the left side of the auditorium asks how one can reconcile the birth of one religion's savior with the ritualistic murder of another religion's children for Satan. If you'll recall the earlier lecture by Professor Gobble about the nature of cognitive dissonance, I'm sure you can draw a valid or possibly relevant conclusion.

The aging blues guitarist in the second row has not apparently asked a question, but suffice it to say that he was born into poverty, & sometime during his hardscrabble life he became infected with a chronic disease which was diagnosed as the blues, some of the symptoms of which are being betrayed by the women he's loved, possessing an unquenchable thirst to ramble, & witnessing depressing imitation by slightly overweight middle-class white men with questionable facial hair arrangements.

Ah, the jolly fellow in red with all the reindeer is reminding us to get home to listen to Christmas music on the radio. Very well. Thank you for attending & please leave your badges with Sheila at the door. Good night.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Preface To A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2009: The Last Christmas Show Ever?

I'm an old dude, in the middle of my middle age, & I don't have children unless you count dogs & cats which you shouldn't because they think I'm one of their pets. Also important is that I'm not a Christian, & the wife & I don't really exchange presents even on birthdays (sometimes we do, though - I bought her a Wii for her birthday this year & her reaction was "Damn! Now I have to buy you a birthday present!" - so it's a dodgy proposition in any case). I point out all this to underscore something big - I don't really celebrate Christmas. Haven't for a long time - except on Self Help Radio, where I've done a Christmas show since the first year I was on. So why continue to do a Christmas show?

I dunno. I still love Christmas music - I especially love it when it's weird or non-traditional. I also like when artists I like write their own Christmas songs. But I do feel like a hypocrite - I don't want to celebrate the birthday of an imaginary space god's son & I don't want to open presents with nor buy presents for a family I don't have. Is loving the music enough? It doesn't seem like enough... What do you think?

Or are you too busy on the chatty blogs arguing about health care reform? Bastards!