Saturday, January 09, 2010

Vulgar Boysenberry

It had taken him forty-three minutes just to say something slightly clever to her; now that he had her attention, & she stared with her deep green eyes in his blinking peepers, what was he going to say?

Perhaps this describes you, or someone or other you know. Not likely do the members of a species like ours, which is described by our cats & dogs as "here come those primates again," easily swing through the trees of life like we owned the place. No, indeed, it behooves us & becomes important if not commonplace to have what many if not most would call a plan of action. Here then is a threshold parallelogram which we daresay may one day serve as a simulacrum of the course to steer to free you of the filthy waters & harsh desert nights of rejection & abjection. You may even consider this, due to the serious nature of our newly-crapped-out decade, first in a series:

1) Cards & letters are all but useless in moments of sheer decision. Learn adorable ways to hem & haw.
2) Do not rush romance unless you can afford generous quantities of moderately-priced & delicious alcohol.
3) If the partner says a tattoo is not necessary, this is an easy "out" & not as many presidents have told us in their State Of The Union messages a "dare."
4) Bleached teeth frighten thieves.
5) No one really carries around their money in bags with dollar signs painted in green on the side. Really? Really.
6) Hand holding may be a lost art, but do not imagine that foot-whipping nor thigh-tickling share the same room in the Mansion of Glorious Petting. They do not. They live in the Creepy Third-Floor Apartment Of Sado-Masochistic Awkwardness.
7) Let's return once again to the societal glad-handling called the "gentle reminder."
8) Love poetry? More like love pottery!
9) Tears should not be accompanied by either screaming or clawing. If you find it such, you also have an explanation as to why the local constable is asking you to put your hands behind your back.
10) Something about an omelet is both nasty & ridiculous. Be careful.

There is much more, including illustrated guides detailing pugilism in the Mid-Atlantic States, but all this talk about washing our socks demands a swift response in a neighborhood forum. Memorize the pertinent parts & conceal the rest from your parents & high school art teacher. & wait, please, for a sober knock on the door, which is the return, & the doom which shall consume you.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

A Bite Outta Life

Though the weather here is wintry,
& the snow is on the ground,
I gathered an armful of musics
& made my way downtown

To old Marshall University,
Though I did forget my gloves
& it was cold as hell.

& I did Self Help Radio
& Dickenbock Electronics, too,
& now I've put both shows online,
The better to share with you.

Please have a listen if you like,
Or if you haven't heard them yet.
They're in the regular place I put them,
self help radio dot net.

Enjoy & thanks for listening!

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Whither Biting?

Here are three things I did not know before I started to do a Self Help Radio show about biting.

1) An "overbite" (which is to say a "misalignment of teeth &/or incorrect relation between the teeth of the two dental arches" or in the Fancy Dan way of saying it a "malocclusion") can be caused by mouth breathing.

2) Some insect "bites" (because some of them, you know, are stings, which don't require a mouth or teeth-like things to "bite") cause symptoms lasting up to two years &, to make matters worse, the "bites" are sometimes diagnosed as cancer.

& 3) From the wikipedia: "School age children, those older than 2 & a half years, who habitually bite may require professional help."

Okay, the last one I didn't know but could have figured out on my own.

So! A Self Help Radio about biting! Tomorrow at 1pm on 88.1 fm WMUL & later archived on It's my way of taking the first bite of the new decade!

Oh god I can't believe I said that.

Sunday, January 03, 2010

Preface To Biting: A Gentleman's History Of Teeth Marks On The Neck

The audience here at the Self Help Radio are ambivalent about love bites. Here's what some of them had to say:

Audience member # 1: "Aren't hickeys normally found on the neck of adolescent girls?"

Audience member # 2: "It's what you get from having a vaccuum cleaner for a mate. If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say, 'Wow, she's like a hoover..'"

Audience member # 3: "It seems to me, & I should know, for despite my erudite language skills I am actually a thirteen year old boy, that 'love bites' or their subset 'hickeys' are generally used to establish claim or possession. In addition, in cases of infidelity on behalf of the cheating party, it can creating embarrassment or jealously on the part of the cuckolded party."

Audience member # 2: "What'd he say?"

Audience member # 4: "It's just a way for insecure people to prove to everyone else that they are in a sexual or physical relationship is all."

Audience member # 5: "Not only that, but they're easy to spot, especially if your skin is pale. Though they can be covered up by wearing turtlenecks & scarves I guess."

Audience member # 3: "Or foundation, powder or concealer. That is, if one wishes to hide them."

Audience member # 2: "I just can't understand a damn thing he says."

Audience member # 6: "Alls I know is, it's seriously tacky to show up at school with one."

& that's all there's time for on the Self Help Radio blog with the Self Help Radio audience. Tune in tomorrow for demonstrations & uncomfortable moments between friends!