Friday, May 22, 2009

Escuse Me, Are Those Mine Pants?

For the fair of warning & the faint of heart I tell you, Self Help Radio is brand new this Memorandum Day weekend & you don't have to drive on America's unsafe highways to bask in its basket. Just click the link above when you think you know better & all will be chilled & served on a white wine platter, if the Americans still make such things, which I doubt.

One warning: the show this week is full of misspellings. I'm sorry about that. The spellcheck wasn't working this past week & I traded it in for a garage door opener that lambastes you like a psychic parrot. I could not refuse. Now if only I had an opener on which to put my garage.

One furtherance in the cause of righteousness: I or someone called Dick Dickenbock who I swear is not just me under an assumed name, but I assume the name under duress, will be hosting KVRX's "Artist Hour," which features smart-ass know-it-all dum-dums spotlighting an artist for an hour then forgetting about him/her/it/them until they drunk-call them on their wedding night & remind them of the sad little snowflakes they've become. But that's of no conceit as I or someone called etc., etc., will be featuring the great Rodd Keith. Tomorrow night from 10 to 11pm CST. Yes, an hour of song-poem brilliance. You can go out afterwards - the lite beer will still be there with the roofie, waiting for you to drink it up yum yum.

KVRX has been relocated due to a complicated fumigation, so I'm not sure if the station is streaming currently (or just streaming currents) but I will probably relocate the show from KVRX's temporary space to the SHR website in the fullest letter of the law in no uncertain terms. Just wash this space, & your face, & if you're an employee, you must wash your face-space after every other meal.

Have a good long weekend!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 20?

This is hardly the time to think about it, economically-wise, & maybe it's also a little insulting to the unemployed, but how DO you quit your job gracefully? I asked a panel of nine imaginary job-quitters, just to be on the safe side. Here's what they said, almost but not quite in the order in which they said it.

Number one said, "Get out before things get really, really bad!"
When is that, I asked.
"When there's no more coffee!" number one screamed, & quit the panel. (Not very gracefully, I might add.)

Number two said, "Tell the most powerful bot first, then adhere to the hierarchical rules that were programmed into you at construction."
(I should tell you, imaginary panelist number two is a robot who hails from a planet of sentient robots. Just FYI.)

Number three said, "Burn bridges!"
Really, I asked.
"I meant britches!" number three said. "Burn those britches! You'll never get the smell out! Never!"

Number four said, "If there's an exit interview, pretend it's an interview for a role on a reality television show."
I had no comment to that.

Number five said, "Don't write a resignation letter!"
"No!" number five said. "Instead, just try to act resigned all the time."

Number six said, "Tell them you'll call every day. You're not really leaving. You're just visiting your mother in Duluth."
But won't they catch on?
"No," said number six. "Lookit. They were dumb enough to hire you in the first place, yeah?"

Number seven said, "Be sexy so you can get good reference books."
Reference books?
"Sure," said number seven, "you want your boss to give you good reference books when you leave."
Uh, I think you mean references.
"Are you sure?" asked number seven.
Um, maybe I meant referees?
"That's the spirit!" said number seven.

Number eight said, "Be an asshole about it to your co-workers, who can't quit because of their gambling debts & their chronic alcoholism. Also, act like the old-timers are really old. That'll teach 'em!"
Teach them what?
"That you're an asshole!" cackled number eight.

Number nine said, "Go, my child, into the wide world, knowing full well that those for whom you worked are no longer your masters & you are no longer their slave. Instead, you are no better than a hobo, eating your own filth & earning nothing, while they, they have hired someone almost exactly like you to replace you, & scarcely know you have gone."

Thanks guys!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 20: I Just Bought A New Computer!

Except for the weird, flat, purse-sized keyboard, it's pretty awesome.

I need to go move everything from the old computer to the new one. So I can't be horsing around with you right now. Maybe later?

Monday, May 18, 2009

Argyle In A Minute

Argyle is, of course, a magical place in Scotland where all kinds of colored diamonds are arranged as though on a checkerboard & live in peace & harmony. Not like those druggies in Paisley. Stupid Paisleyites!

I recently had a chance to take drugs with a fellow from Paisley &, in my stupor, I was able to tour imaginary Argyle in the minute it took for the effects to wear off from what I now know wasn't a hallucinogen but was, instead, instant coffee cut with confidence & elan. Still, I think, as I noticed in my hazy dream-like state that the town were all big fans of Self Help Radio, I'll tell you about some of the sites I saw should you, too, find yourself there under no uncertain circumstances.

If you're in the uptown/midtown area, visit Sam's Irish Coffee shop, & ask for tea. He'll have a laugh, accuse you of being Protestant, & throw you out. Sam's Irish Coffee shop is a Scottish institution, being funded by several governments & Shane McGowan, formerly of the Pogues. He's always there, making his teeth say awful things to you.

If you're in the midtown/uptown area near the stables, visit The Bookdrop, an actual library bookdrop which doesn't work properly, so you can simply reach in & browse through a fascinating collection of books people have recently returned. Warning: taking books from The Bookdrop may be stealing.

If you're in the midtown/midtown area, be sure to see the shifting ideas at the nearby Firth. It may not be the first Firth you've even seen (it was more fourth Firth), but it will be funnest. Little indiepop kids with too many scarves on pretend to ride skateboards & write earnest poetry on benches all around. You may even see Stuart Murdoch & still no one will believe you.

If you're uptown with some downtown urges, there are always lovely women waiting for the buses that never come in their minds. They are robust lasses, some with mighty handshakes, others with handy milkshakes, & still others with dentist appointments that you swear to god they'll never keep. You may only be in Argyle for a minute, but a few seconds on grinning wench is never wasted, unless she's grinning because rigor mortis has set in. Then dial 911 & hope William Petersen is working that week. & not, as luck would have it, Flavor Flav.

This wonderful travel tip was brought to you by last week's Self Help Radio, which used Scottish concrete in at least one of the songs it played during the show. Be a sport & have a listen. You'll never be able to snort all that instant coffee in one go anyway!