Saturday, April 09, 2011

I Feel Guilty I Don't Follow Any Blogs

I'm not even sure I know how to.

You might have noticed that I have a tumblr blog (it's weird to say that on a blogger blog, but there you go) which is mainly just music videos & goofy images, & I've been doing it for a while, & I've amassed an amazing following of two (2) people. But no one on blogger has "followed" this blog, which I've been doing too darn long, & that doesn't really bother me, because I do a radio show that virtually no one listens to, but every time I log on to write some nonsense here, the "dashboard" of this blog tells me, "You are not currently following any blogs."

I feel like I should, that admitting that I am not following any blogs (I don't even read this one!) is basically confessing that I am missing out on some interesting stuff here in the blogosphere, if they still call it that. You're a loser, Charlie Brown!

I'd ask for recommendations from you, but virtually no one reads this blog, which is also probably why no one "follows" it. Ergo, it would probably be unlikely for someone to recommend anything to me. I'd get more feedback just asking around at a restaurant. (To be fair, the blogger folk do sometimes present in a sidebar "blogs to watch" or some sort of thing like that, but I never look at it. So I'd probably not really follow up. Pathetic.)

"What's the weather like in Minneapolis?" my wife just asked me. I must look up the answer, &, relieved, my mind goes off to another task.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Almost (But Not Quite) A Star

No, I will never be a star. I will never have my name in front of er whatever place the Hollywood Walk Of Fame is in front of. I will never tell prepared stories to Larry Leno or Brian O'Letterman. Never will I sit on the couch of the rich & famous & say "No more cocaine for me thank you!" I will never be able to run for governor of California or Greece. This is my lot in life. I accept it.

I can however do a show about stars & stardom & so I did. Did I secretly think it would make me a star? Did I think I could finally relate to that Cat Stevens song? No, not that Cat Stevens song. The other one. Right. Maybe I did. So what? I had had too much benadryl on the rocks & the pizza man didn't have the right toppings in the right order. I can maybe be excused but I will never forgive.

You can listen to last night's show - maybe it will make you a star? - at self help radio dot net. The show is, as always, divided in two so you can share with your friend. Part one can be accessed here, while part two has been conveniently placed here. The songs in which part are below.

I need so much sleep now.

(part one)
"Star" David Bowie _The Rise & Fall Of Ziggy Stardust & The Spiders From Mars_
"Teenage Pop Star" Barcelona _Transhuman Revolution_
"Moviestar" Stereo Total _Stereo Total_

"Pop Star" Cat Stevens _Mona Bone Jakon_
"So You Want To Be A Rock & Roll Star" The Move _Shazam!_
"Rock Star" Bearded Lady _Velvet Tinmine_
"Video Killed The Radio Star" Bruce Woolley & The Camera Club _English Garden_
"Superstar" Me First & The Gimme Gimmes _Ruin Johnny's Bar Mitzvah_

"Superstar (Remember How You Got Where You Are)" The Temptations _Emperors Of Soul_
"Superstar Talking Blues" Edwyn Collins _Home Again_
"Superstar In France" Lambchop _Thriller_

(part two)
"Nicky" Momus _Circus Maximus_
"Rockstar" That Dog _Totally Crushed Out_

"Child Star" Tyrannosaurus Rex _The Definitive Tyrannosaurus Rex_
"Child Star" Unicorns _Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone?_
"Golden Lights" The Smiths _Louder Than Bombs_
"You'll Never Be A Star" Shy Camp _You'll Never Be A Star_

"The Stars Of Track & Field" Belle & Sebastian _If You're Feeling Sinister_
"Rock Star" Bran Van 3000 _Discosis_
"Stars" Halftime Oranges _Rotterdamnation_

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

What?!? Five Hours Of Radio Tonight!?!

Of course, the radio (at least WRFL - I can't speak for stations I don't listen to) is on twenty-four hours a day, so I am not implying that there's only going to be five hours of radio tonight. I meant I will be on the radio five hours tonight. It should be fun if only to see if I unravel after hour four.

I will be subbing the excellent Subset, WRFL's dubstep show, from 10 to midnight, & then Self Help Radio is on at midnight till 1:30, & Sugar Substitute will be on from 1:30 to 3, when the lovely 3am deejay, Marshall, will arrive in time to watch the paramedics try to revive me.

You can listen, Lexingtonian, on the fm dial at 88.1; you can listen, citizen of the rest of the world, online at I will archive my regular shows at the SHR website tomorrow.

Oops, I forgot to nap today!

Monday, April 04, 2011

Whither Stars?

A thunderstorm rages through Kentucky. Sitting in his tiny den, a deejay for a college/community radio station - who will never himself be a star - prepares a radio show about stars.

But does he dream of being a star? Does he dream of reaching the widest possible audience? Does he dream of being feted by the cognoscenti, the rich, the powerful?

Or is he just simply standing at the window watching the storm?


You'd think a dude that likes to be on the radio would also want to be some kind of star, like other famous people on the radio, like that Robert Dylan guy who also did a kind of theme show; or maybe Casey Kasem, who was also allowed to be the voice of Shaggy on Scooby Doo; or what about Doctor Demento; or how about that Benn Gleck guy who pretends to be insane on the air. Maybe those are his idols, maybe he dreams of Self Help Radio being nationally syndicated, talked about, turned into a sitcom or maybe a movie directed by David Fincher.

No, no, he's staring at the rain while listening to music.

Well, he can do a radio show about stars, but we all know why he'll never be a star!

Sunday, April 03, 2011

Preface To "Stars": Harrrumph!

Dear Self Help Radio if that's your real name,

I am an imaginary listener & long time reader of this blog (I was reading it long before you started writing it) & I noted with interest your self-serving blog post of March 21 in which you said & I quote:

"Lots of people - not enough, but a lot - make requests for themes for me to explore on the show. I might have previously complained about the more obvious themes people have suggested - songs about rain or cars or nouns - but I can't find a blog entry grumbling about it so I must have done it in private with you. Don't you remember?"

I therefore find it ironic that this week's show is something as "more obvious" as stars. Stars! You couldn't pick one star, like Aldebaran or Betelgeuse or Canopus (oh yeah, I have a star name for every letter of the alphabet!), could you, because that's HARD.

You are a hypocrite & you owe me forty dollars.

Your faithful listener,
Mom's friend Edie

Dear Mom's friend Edie,

Self Help Radio is not my real name. It was what the cruel kids at school told the cool kids at school to call me at school. Thank you for not existing, which must give you lots of time to listen to my radio show. Many people make the smarter decision to ignore the show's existence, but perhaps it's because they have existence themselves.

One of the reasons I have this blog is to explain the themes in case they don't seem self-evident. This week's theme does require some explanation. The show is not about stars, meaning "massive, luminous balls of plasma held together by gravity." Therefore I am not looking for songs about Deneb, Eltanin, or Fomalhaut (I too enjoy alphabetizing stars). No, it's the sort of star defined as "a person who has holds a high degree of recognition in a society or culture." I could have used "celebrity." I probably should have. However, it did encourage you to write, & that pleases me.

I do however still owe you forty dollars. Will you take a gift card?

Yours sincerely,
Self Help Radio