Self Help Radio 032919: Stairs

(Original image here.)

Holy crap look at those stairs!  You could help fall down those stairs!  I can't stop looking at those stairs!  I am terrified & yet utterly compelled to find those stairs & walk on them until I fall or they collapse & either way I'm dead!  Because of those stairs!

By the way, don't look for "people falling down the stairs" videos on any video website.  It's not funny at all.  It's horrifying & I wish they'd show the person getting carried away by the paramedics & then the doctors telling him/her that they'll never walk again.  Because I understand that it's amusing when people tumble & stuff but falling down the stairs is a whole other degree of awful.

Oh yeah, I did a radio show!  About stairs!  No one fell.  As far as I know.  I can't get the images of poor souls plummeting down stairs out of my head now.  Ack!  I wish I'd never done a stupid show about stairs & thought it might be funny to watch people fall down stairs!

Okay, okay, radio show.  Yes.  Yes.  It's at the Self Help Radio website.  Username SHR, password selfhelp.  Almost two hours long, what's on the show is below.

Jesus, be careful on stairs!

Self Help Radio Stairs Show

"Precarious Stair" Crystal Stilts _In Love With Oblivion_
"Staircase Of Diamonds" King Tuff _Black Moon Spell_
"The Gentleman On The Stairs" Dagmar Krause _Commuters_

introduction & definitions

"Stairway To The Stars" Ella Fitzgerald _Something To Live For_
"I'll Build A Stairway To Paradise" Sarah Vaughan _Sarah Vaughan Sings George Gershwin, Vol. 1_
"Creepin' Up The Backstairs" The Fratellis _Costello Music_
"Backstairs" New Pornographers _Brill Bruisers_
"Walk The Back Stairs Quiet" The Wave Pictures _Beer In The Breakers_

the world's most notable stairs an interruption by Ned Dry

"The Staircase (Mystery)" Siouxsie & The Banshees _The Scream_
"Staircase At The University" Morrissey _World Peace Is None Of Your Business_
"Dachshunds With Erections Can't Climb Stairs" Les Barker _Up The Creek Without A Poodle_
"The Room At The Top Of The Stairs" Television Personalities _Privilege_
"The Girl Became The Stairs" The Heart Throbs _Jubilee Twist_

the world's most notable stairs a phone call from kids in Baltimore

"Spiral Stairs" Elf Power _In A Cave_
"Climb My Stairs" The Cat's Miaow _A Kiss & A Cuddle_
"Falling Down The Stairs" Even As We Speak _Feral Pop Frenzy_
"Fell Down The Stairs" Tilly & The Wall _Wild Like Children_
"Naked Girl Falling Down The Stairs" The Cramps _Flamejob_

a discussion about the song "Stairway To Heaven" by Neil Sedaka Led Zeppelin

"Stairway To Heaven" Me First & The Gimme Gimmes _Ruin Jonny's Bar Mitzvah_
"Stairway To Heaven" Rolf Harris _The Best Of Rolf Harris_
"Freeway To Stairbird" Reverend Billy C. Wirtz _Pianist Envy_
"Gilligan's Island (Stairway)" Little Roger & The Goosebumps _Gilligan's Island (Stairway)_
"Stairway To Heaven" Neil Sedaka _The Definite Collection_

conclusion & goodbyes

"Halfway Down the Stairs" Robin The Frog _The Muppet Show Album_
"Halfway Down The Stairs" Lawson & Four More _Thank You Friends: The Ardent Records Story_
"Halfway Up The Stairs" Rodriguez _Coming From Reality_
"At The Top Of The Stairs" Thundertree _Thundertree_
"At The Top Of The Ivory Stairs" The Pharmacy _Stoned & Alone_

Whither Stairs?

(Image from here.)

Hmm, stairs.  I guess I've been around stairs since the very beginning.  I didn't live in a house with more than one floor (therefore a set of stairs) until high school - which was also the time I first attended a school with many sets of stairs - but I did live in apartments with two floors (& stairs) from middle school on, & many apartment complexes I lived in had stairs to get to the apartments on the second floor.

My iPhone has an app that counts my steps, & whenever I look at it, it's strange when it notes that I've gone up a flight of stairs.  How did it know?  I bet I make funny noises when I go up stairs.  Like dreams dying.

In the last year I lived in Austin, I was a "secret smoker."  I had "quit smoking" in 2005 or 2006, but had found myself smoking a cigarette or two a day sometime in late 2008.  I used to keep a pack in my bag & I'd take a break once or twice a day, take some reading material, pull one cigarette out, & walk to a place called the UTC on campus, or the Undergraduate Teaching Center.  I'd go to the top floor - I'd take the stairs - it was maybe the fourth floor - where no one ever was - & I'd have my illicit cigarette & read at the top of the stairs there.  I tried to do it between classes, but there didn't seem to be many classes that high up in the building.  It was always so quiet.

Afterwards, I'd go to the restroom & wash my face & chew gum.  I was a "secret smoker"!  I don't smoke any more.  But I miss climbing those stairs to get a few minutes to read & relax.  That's my happiest memory of stairs.

Maybe there'll be happy memories of stairs after you listen to this week's show tomorrow at noon at Self Help Radio's website.  Anyway, it can't be worse than falling down the stairs.  Can it?

Preface To Stairs: Didn't You Already Do A Show About Stairs?

Hypothetical listener: Say, I pay pretty close attention to your show because I am a hypothetical listener so anything's possible & I feel like you've done a show about stairs before.

Unhypothetical me: I can't believe anyone listens to the show!

Hypothetical listener: Yeah, yeah, but haven't you done a show about stairs before?

Unhypothetical me: Oh sorry, my eyes kind of filled with stars with the idea of someone actually listening to Self Help Radio.

Hypothetical listener: Right.

Unhypothetical me: It's just Charlie Brown winning a baseball game or something.

Hypothetical listener: I can just go check the list of your shows on the website if you're busy being weird.

Unhypothetical me: No, no, no.  I'll answer the question!

Hypothetical listener: Thanks.

Unhypothetical me: The answer is, no, I've never done a show about stairs before.

Hypothetical listener: But...

Unhypothetical me: But because you're a dutiful listener, you may recall that on April 11, 2009 - nearly ten years ago! - I did a show with the theme "upstairs downstairs".

Hypothetical listener: Oh yes, I remember!

Unhypothetical me: That was about places where stairs lead.  Not stairs themselves.

Hypothetical listener: Got it.

Unhypothetical me: I mean, the word "stairs" in the name, but I was meaning mainly like floors.

Hypothetical listener: Sure, I understand.

Unhypothetical me: I suppose some folks might have thought I was referring to the British drama from the 1970s but I wasn't.

Hypothetical listener: Great.

Unhypothetical me: I mean, I've never even seen it, except the end credits when it was on PBS right before Monty Python in my youth.

Hypothetical listener: Swell.  Oh gosh would you look at the time.

Unhypothetical me: Hmm?  What?  Oh, sorry.  I didn't mean to bore you.

Hypothetical listener: Now you know why I'm hypothetical!

Unhypothetical me: (very sad now) Yeah.

"Halfway Down"

Listening to songs today for this week's show, I found the Muppet Show song based on A.A. Milne's poem "Halfway Down."  You can read about it here, & I posted a crappy video of the song sung by Kermit's nephew on the Self Help Radio Facebook page but I was curious about the poem it was based on, which I found here.  But I repeat the sweet poem below.  & maybe I'll play the song on my show!

Halfway Down
by A. A. Milne

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn't any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I'm not at the bottom,
I'm not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.

Halfway up the stairs
Isn't up
And it isn't down.
It isn't in the nursery,
It isn't in town.
& all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn't really
Anywhere!
It's somewhere else
Instead!

Tumblr Blog I Like # 6

This one, called Deep Dark Fears.

For example:

You can submit your fears to be illustrated.  I'd do that, only I'm a little afraid of doing it.  Wait.