Preface To Winning: I've Actually Never Seen That Show

This funny thing happened in the Onion AV Club this past week: a new ad for the old Charlie Sheen show (now starring Kelso from That 70's Show, who is making a lot of money from it) appeared & the Onion guys asked everyone to make fun of it. & so they did.

The idea for this week's show popped into my head a few months ago when they were making fun of Charlie Sheen a lot on The Soup but I confess I've never actually seen the show. As much as I love Duckie, I can't really say I've followed Jon Cryer's career, though I am happy when child stars still have careers when they're as old as I am. (By the way, I don't have a career, & also I was not a child star. I think that just makes me a wastrel.)

But since I watch The Soup, I did get to see Sheen say "winning" over & over, & it seemed like a good idea for a theme. It's kind of simple. I think I'm supposed to explain this tomorrow. Fuck. Now what will I write about tomorrow?

This was written on Witstream a while back & it sort of sums up how I feel about that show that made Sheen enough money & ego to implode the way he did, thus ruining a cash cow that he could have milked for at least five or ten more years:

I Almost Forgot: The Rain!

It's such nice rain, even in the summer. Did I talk once upon a time about the rain also in West Virginia? Such rain you've never seen in Texas. This is true: I believe that the whole American southwest such as it is is being desertified. (My spellcheck is telling me there's no such word as "desertify" although you can find many Googly articles on "desertification." Which, by the way, there's no such thing as.)

Anyway, Texas is turning into a desert like New Mexico & Arizona & it's too bad 'cause parts of the state are really quite nice. It just doesn't rain there like it does here. The rain there is mean, it comes with loud thunderstorms & usually happens at night, since it's just too hot in the day. (It's different in Houston, which is basically a swamp, so we'll ignore that part of Texas in this discussion.)

I like the rain in this part of the world. It does cause flash flooding & there's still thunder & lightning, & of course many meth labs have been accidentally washed away due to poor planning, but it's much nicer than the rain in the desert, which mainly pisses off the poisonous creatures there & is about as useful as a mirage.

Which reminds me, I am not a meteorologist & also I have no real idea what I am talking about. Mainly I just enjoy watching the rain. I also walked through the rain today. It was nice.

No, I haven't been drinking. Why would you ask such a thing?

A Joke A Day A Week, Episode Four

I've written a few times on this blog about the inane "A Joke A Day" email service (I'm sure there's more than one) which I would often subscribe to for email accounts that, back in the day, were free but which I never used. Often those email accounts would expire if you didn't have email coming to them, but because I thought it was (at least initially) funny to have email accounts at startrekonline.com & muslimonline.com (both sites, & my email addresses, are long defunct), I'd sign up for an account & then subscribe to the A Joke A Day service. One account I use still gets them, & I rarely read them, but am too lazy to unsubscribe. I recently thought, what if I actually saved them, then featured what I consider the best, or funniest, or worst, or most notable, or simply something to talk about once a week? & so I shall.

This was going to be a "credit where it's due" sort of post, since yesterday's A Joke A Day was actually one of the best jokes I've heard in the past ten years, but then this A Joke A Day appeared today:

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: "You can have mine."

Really? Would the joke be as funny if it had been "Husband wanted"? Not in this sexist society.

Seriously, if men dislike their wives so much - & considered them property which they can give away - why get married in the first place? For sex? Don't you imagine that the same sort of man who feels his wife is property & would humiliate her by writing a letter "offering" her to a complete stranger (indeed, one who's apparently desperate enough to advertise for a spouse) would find it not at all a problem to have sex with a prostitute, bringing home all manner of sexually-transmitted diseases?

Fuck them, & fuck men who think of women this way.

The category, by the way, is "men vs. women jokes." The Good Old Days.

In the interest of fairness, here's the good A Joke A Day, which I must've heard at least ten years ago, & I've edited it somewhat so it's actually told well:

A driver, speeding down the highway, was pulled over by the Highway Patrol. This officer was young & had about six weeks on the job.

The officer approached the driver’s window & said, "License & registration, please."

The driver noticed the officer was a rookie. "I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I no longer have a license. I lost it as a result of too many DUIs."

Taken aback, the officer said,"Then can I see your registration?"

The driver replied, "Um, all right, but it's not my car - I stole it about an hour ago. Still, I think I saw it in the glove compartment when I put my gun in there."

"A gun? In your glove compartment?" The officer took a step back.

The driver sighed. "Yes, officer. I had to kill the woman who owned the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer drew his gun on the man & said, "Do not make a move." The driver complied while the officer called for back-up. He was a bit hysterical.

Ten minutes later the driver is surrounded by Highway Patrol officers & local cops. A police detective approaches the man & says, "I'll need to see your license & registration."

As the driver slowly reached above his visor & pulled down his license & registration.

The detective looked them over; they checked out. He said, "May I look into your glove compartment, sir?"

The driver agreed. The detective slowly looked into it. There was no gun.

"Sir," the detective said, "please open your trunk."

The driver complied. The detective checked it - there was no body in it.

Puzzled, the detective approached the driver. He said, "Sir, I am confused. The officer who pulled you over reported that you did not have a license or registration, that you were driving a stolen vehicle, that there was a gun in the glove compartment, & that there was a dead body in the trunk."

The driver looked at the detective & said, "Yeah & I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too."

Not A Show About Nothing

But a show about zero. That's the number zero. The one that's the average of -1 & 1. Not nothing. A show about nothing would be somewhat different. Though people do use the word "zero" to mean "nothing." This is a show about the integer zero. Its history, its lives, its loves, its hopes & dreams, its crimes & its redemption. The lost years it spent in exile, the great years when it returned. Something like that.

More or less.

The zero songs are below in an unnumbered list. It may be the only unnumbered list which contains many zeroes. The show is nestled happily at http://www.selfhelpradio.net. You can listen to part one here & you can listen to part two here. What is in the two parts is listed below.

(part one)

"My Hero, Zero" Bob Dorough _Schoolhouse Rock: Multiplication Rock_
"The Mighty Zero" Meat Puppets _Mirage_
"3, 2, 1 Zero" Les Sheriff _Punk En France_

"I Got A Zero" The Fantastics _This Is My Wedding Day 7"_
"I Was Zero" Sage Francis _Li(f)e_
"Zero Zero Zero!" Sam Phillips _Omnipop_
"This Is Zero" TV 21 _A Thin Red Line_
"Less Than Zero" Elvis Costello _My Aim Is True_

"Zero Hour" The Plimsouls _DIY: Shake It Up! American Power Pop II (1978-80)_
"Ground Zero" Shirts _Street Light Shine_
"Back To Zero Now" Tommy Keene _The Real Underground_

(part two)

"Zero Degrees" Drag City Super Session _Tramps, Traitors & Little Devils_
"Zero" Deathray _Deathray_
"Saved By Zero" The Fixx _Reach The Beach_

"Zero G" Willesden Dodgers _First Base_
"Zero As A Limit" Human League _Reproduction_
"A Day Called Zero" The Sugarcubes _Here Today, Tomorrow, Next Week!_
"Absolute Zero" My Favorite _Love At Absolute Zero_

"Super Zero" Linda Draper _Little Darla Has A Treat For You, Vol. 23: Summer 2005_
"What I Learned About Zero" Capsules _Someone For Everyone_

Whither Zero?

Yes, I am back from my brief visit to Dallas, in which I got to see many members of my family, I got to meet my niece's new sprog (a great-nephew) & saw some old friends who were kind enough to interrupt their lives to see me.

But I love eating food so I am not going to talk about the trip, or tomorrow's Self Help Radio (for which I am going to be ill-prepared) but instead make three recommendations.

One, if you're anywhere near a Z Pizza chain (there's one in the suburb three times removed from Dallas called Flower Mound) (I kinda wish I could've seen the flower mound there, I might have actually liked the place) you should enjoy their vegan pizza. It's awesome. We had it in Columbus but it's too far away from us these days. I wish there were one nearby - the vegan pizza at the local Mellow Mushroom is nowhere near as good.

Two, there's a lovely vegan Chinese place called Suma Veggie Cafe that has the most awesome vegan buffet ever. I can't recommend it highly enough. Oh. My. God. It's a reason to visit Dallas. When all other reasons suck. (Ignore the negative Yelp reviews. They don't know what they're talking about.)

Three, okay, the best reason to visit Dallas is for the best Ethiopian restaurant I've ever been to, which is called Lalibela, a place so great I named my car after it. (I finally got to tell them that - they were very flattered.) I don't eat meat so I can't speak to the carnivore dishes, but all the vegetarian stuff is so wonderful. I ate there last night & am still full.

Yeah, so Self Help Radio is about the number zero tomorrow. It's on at 7:30 am Monday on 88.1 fm in Lexington & all over at the world at wrfl dot fm & of course archived later on the Self Help Radio website. Do listen! Zero will be your hero!