Saturday, February 11, 2012

Preface To Lovesick: It's Like Hunger

Is being without love like being without food? People who are experiencing lovesickness often act as if they are in pain, & the stomach hurts a lot. But hunger is not like indigestion - perhaps lovesickness is more like gastro-intestional distress than hunger. Hard to keep food down. Lots of hurking.

Self Help Radio has often thought of starting a kind of "lovesick cafe," with expensive food that no one really eats because they're feeling like shit, so the food doesn't have to be terribly good. It might even be recycled!

It would be fun to program the music for a place like that.

Lovesick is like hunger in that it affects the entire body, though. That's pretty true. Hunger will waste you away like lovesickness.

However. There might be those who think that hunger - which is a terrible problem that afflicts a depressing percentage of the world's population - shouldn't be compared with lovesickness, which isn't acknowledged by the psychiatric community as a real sickness. Those people might not understand the concept of a metaphor. That's too bad.

Can pets be lovesick? Yes. Yes, they can.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Letter To A Famous Person

Do you worry about urinary tract infections? Or do you have a urologist on speed dial? Could there be such things as lousy urologists? Wouldn't someone enter that profession to make the most money possible? So wouldn't they want to be the best urologist possible? This is something perhaps you know.

What makes you most sad, being misunderstood or being only able to relate to other famous people? Is it enough that you can now be friends with George Clooney? Do you talk about important things, even private things, around the people who work for you in the same way that the aristocracy talk around servants - as if they're not even there, utterly secure in the knowledge they won't tell anyone your awful secrets? Do you think people other than you feel resentment?

You might google yourself every once in a while. Or do you have someone who does that for you? Do you trust that person? Don't you think that person whom you've hired to search for stuff online about you might edit some of the comments found? Because he or she is getting paid not to engage you but to flatter your ego? Does that bother you? Do you remember a time when that might've bothered you?

People imagine the famous dying in horrible ways far more often than they imagine anyone else dying. This is almost certainly a scientific fact. Does that flatter you? If at some point in time something impossibly magical happens in the universe, like an assassin genie or a death ray, would you be happy to be the first famous person utterly destroyed by the rage of someone who will never be famous? What if the person with the death ray or the assassin genie made sure you suffered terribly for it? Note: there would not be an award - posthumous or otherwise - for your suffering.

Wouldn't it be nice if you sent out greeting cards from time to time? Yourself, of course, not your assistant. Just taking a little time to send greeting cards, cards you've purchased yourself, it can be in a gift shop or in a drug store, it doesn't matter, cards you've purchased yourself and written in yourself, sent to perhaps family or old friends, if you still have any. Even to George Clooney. Wouldn't that be nice? You could pretend then you have something like a soul!

Do you know why you're so easily offended? Do you need an analyst to tell you why? How about some kind of spiritual medium, like a Scientologist or a Magic Eight Ball? Are you as comforted as most people to know that nothing lasts forever?

That's enough for now. Thank you for your time.

Thursday, February 09, 2012

Thursday Picture Of A Pet

This is my dog George. He's the oldest non-human animal in the house - he'll be fourteen in April. I met him in the fall of 2001, & we were not always friends. He loved his mother most of all, & was disturbed when I entered the picture. But we became friends over time, & now we love each other quite a lot. I still think he loves his mother more than me.

Just recently he ate about a pound & a half of birdseed. Though I've had beagles in my life for over ten years now, I still occasionally do dumb things like leaving opened containers of birdseed out for them to pillage. Beagles are foodies & will eat pretty much anything.

He was very sick for a couple of days, & like most animals, he looked miserable, since he had no idea what was happening to him nor why. & frankly, seeing a shaky old dog vomit & poop birdseed is one of the saddest things you'll ever see. He got better though. He'd eat more birdseed if it were still around.

He's old so he sleeps a lot. I admire his old white face & his happiness in slumberland.

Monday, February 06, 2012

Bumpity Bump

Self Help Radio bumped along today. It was a bumpy ride. I might have bumped my head. Can anyone here diagnose a hematoma? Many of the bumpy songs seem to postulate a dance called "the bump." The dance might also require "a grind." It just seems a little less than wholesome. That's all I'm saying.

The show in its entirety is at the Self Help Radio website. But! If you need a quick bump, you can listen to the two parts directly here: part one, bump bump, & then part two. What is in each part is below. Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night!

& thanks for listening!

(part one)

"The Bump" The Commodores _Caught In The Act_
"The Bump" Kenny _The Singles Collection Plus_
"The Bump (Part 1)" The Everyday People _The Everyday People_

"New Orleans Bump (Take 2)" Jelly Roll Morton & His Orchestra _The Jelly Roll Morton Centennial: His Complete Victor Recordings_
"Bump & Boogie (Part 1)" The Wrecking Crew _The Complete Stax-Volt Soul Singles: 1972-1975_
"Goombay Bump" Jay Mitchell _Cult Cargo: Grand Bahama Goombay_
"Bumpin' & Stompin'" Garland Green _Northern Soul's Guilty Secrets_

"Bumpity Bump" Smiley Lewis _Juke Joint Jive_
"Do The Double Bump" Rufus Thomas _The Funkiest Man Alive: The Stax Funk Sessions 1967-1975_
"I Love To Bumpity Bump (On A Bumpy Road With You)" Guy Lombardo & His Royal Canadians _Songs The Bonzo Dog Band Taught Us_
"Bumper Crop" Volcano Suns _Bumper Crop_

(part two)

"Humpin', Bumpin' & Thumpin'" Andre Williams _Movin' On: Greasy & Explicit Soul Movers (1956-1970)_

"Jump & Bump" The Flares _Foot Stompin'_
"Bumpercars" Andy Partridge _Fuzzy Warbles, Vol. 4_
"Humpty Bump (Parts 1 & 2)" Vibrettes _Eddie Bo's Funky Funky New Orleans_
"Bump & Grind" Tenor Fly _An England Story: 25 Years Of The MC In The UK_
"Bumpin'" Ground Hog _Curtom Funk_

"Bump Miss Susie" Big Joe Turner with Van 'Piano Man' Walls Orchestra _Atlantic Blues (1949-1970)_
"Bump'n From The Middle" Act 1 _Act 1_
"Bumper To Bumper" Eleventh Hour _Hollywood Hot_
"Bumps Boogie" King Porter _Rare West Coast Jump 'N' Jive 1945-1954_
"Speed Bumps" Boston Spaceships _Let It Beard_

Sunday, February 05, 2012

Whither Bump?

I don't really know where the idea for this show came from. It appeared on the Self Help Radio queue & it made me very nervous. How many songs are about bumping? How many could there be? Before I sat down to think about it, the only song that popped into my head was "Children Of The Revolution" by T Rex, which contains the phrase "you can bump & grind." Would that be how this show went?

No! It would not! I sprang into action! I learned how to do The Bump! I refused something called "a bump" (which I was told "would get me high") at a dance club from a stranger! I tangled with things that go bump in the night! (In my house, those are cats.) I got goose bumps thinking about the show! Then I tried to find music.

That wasn't as much fun as learning The Bump.

No, it was plenty fun! The show will be a bumpin' good time. & it's on tomorrow (that's Monday) morning from 7:30 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington. This is a direct link to the audio stream of the station. I'll archive the show later on the Self Help Radio web site.

I'm glad I didn't hit a speed bump!