Saturday, December 05, 2009

Ah, Snow!

I'm inside this chilly morning going over all the wonderful electronic music made this year for this week's show, while outside it looks a little like this:

It's quite lovely.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

A Birthday The Whole Year Round

Well, you made it through another birthday. Or did you? Did your nearest & dearest forget? Or worse yet, did they remember, & all you got was some insubstantial gift on Facebook? Do you think you deserve better? Well, Self Help Radio does too!

That's why the scientists & circus clowns at Self Help Radio have developed a Birthday Show (tm) which can be listened to all year around! Since the shows are simply songs about birthdays (even if specific people's birthdays are discussed within) the listener can think to him, her or itself, "Say! Self Help Radio cared enough about me to do an entire radio show about my birthday! Gee!"

In certain states of the United States & at least four different places in Canada, having a birthday mix prepared for you would cost you at the very least a half-pint of blood & a DNA swab quickly shared with authorities, but not this birthday mix! It's available whenever your computer is on & connected to the internet at Self Help Radio Dot Net. This award-desirous website also contains other radio shows (like this week's episode of Sugar Substitute) which may have greater appeal to you & can easily be considered birthday gifts if you aren't completely satisfied &/or think you deserve more gifts.

If you act now, or any time in the next couple of months at least, you can even listen to Last Year's Self Help Radio Birthday Show, which has believe it entirely different songs about birthdays, so you're not getting the same damn tie or pair of electric socks you get every year.

Happy birthday from Self Help Radio! Don't say we never got you anything!

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

The Classic Birthday Gift

I just typed into Google "the classic birthday gift" in quotes. Here's what I got: (which seems to be a placeholder) called flowers "the classic birthday gift." called socks "the classic birthday gift." had a "classic birthday gift basket." What's in it? "Ghirardelli dark & milk chocolate, Godiva creme brulee dessert chocolate with layers of butterscotch caramel & vanilla cream in a milk chocolate shell, Portlock smoked salmon (ugh), assorted Lindt Lindor dark & milk chocolate truffles, sesame breadsticks, Godiva dark chocolate covered pretzels & almonds, Italian hazelnut chocolate, peanut brittle, olives, serving dish, cheese knife & more." & more? Peanut brittle & olives? Doesn't that sound like the title of a Ween album? didn't have a classic birthday gift, but they did have a "classic birthday gift" BAG, for you to put your classic birthday gift into. What does the classic birthday gift bag contain? "One large bag, one small bag, twenty-six inches of grosgrain ribbon, twenty-six more inches of printer grosgrain ribbon, a written description of what grosgrain is, seven embellished 3D stickers, four sheets of tissue paper, two sheets of printed paper, & two decorative tags." Classy!

I personally think the classic birthday gift is a Wii. But that's just me.

Meanwhile, tomorrow, at 6am, a new Sugar Substitute, & at 7:30am, a new Self Help Radio. Live on 88.1 WMUL & archived later in the day at of course.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Whither Magda's Birthday Show 2009?

Sing! Sing, like a totem pole!
Dance! Dance, like an ornery cuss!
Sigh! Sigh, like a dinner roll!
Applaud! Applaud, like a school bus!

For we're celebrating Magda's birthday!
Yes we're agitating for Magda's birthday!
It happens this time every year
& it's she we hold dear
So we're actuating Magda's birthday!

I said
Scream! Scream, like a winter's day!
Twirl! Twirl, like a dog before sleep!
Drink! Drink, like a drunken bouquet!
Wiggle! Wiggle, like in REM sleep!

For we're celebrating Magda's birthday!
Yes we're congratulating Magda for her birthday!
(Though it's not technically her fault)
& it's she we exalt
So we're accelerating towards Magda's birthday!

One more time
Laugh! Laugh, like a hobo in sunlight!
Buzz! Buzz, like electrical fires!
Zip! Zap, like a space-age gunfight!
Smolder! Smolder, like all your desires!

For we're celebrating Magda's birthday!
Yes we're collaborating on Magda's birthday!
She thinks she doesn't deserve it
But we'll still observe it
We're implicating ourselves in Magda's birthday!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Preface To Magda's Birthday 2009: You Can Ask Again - Why Is This Particular Birthday So Damn Special?

I married a girl named Magda. I sort of but not really recommend it. First, if you marry the same girl as I did, she could go to jail as a bigamist, even if she thinks she's being really cool & living the polyandrous life, which is the same thing & just as illegal. Second, Magdalena (which is the long-playing version of Magda) (but not the extended remix, which is so damned long it would fill this entire blog with disco lights & jazz hands) is a name from the Bible, referring to Mary Magdalene, who, according to the Bible Of Wikipedia, was like this:

"Mary Magdalene or Mary of Magdala is described, both in the canonical New Testament & in the New Testament apocrypha, as one of the most important women in the movement of Jesus. Mary was one of women who accompanied Jesus during his travels, following him to the end. According to all four Gospels in the Christian New Testament, she was the first to witness his resurrection."

That seems cool, doesn't it? But wait! Why wouldn't that be a cool thing for a (Christian) person to want to name his or her offspring? Because Mary Magdalene is widely considered to be a repentant prostitute. That's right. You heard me! My wife's parents named her after a former prostitute. What were they thinking?

I have only met a few Polish folks in my life, & most of them are my wife's family, & I feel like I keep hearing the same names over & over - but like I said, I only know the few that I've met through the wife. Looking at this page of common Polish names, it occurs to me that my wife's parents could just as easily have named her Agnieszka or Brygida or Cecylia or Dorota or Emiliana or Franciszka or Genowefa or Jacinta or Ivona or Justyna or Katarzyna or Lucja or Malgorzata or Olga or Pelagia or Rozalia or Stefania or Czeslawa or Urzula or Waclawa or Zofia rather than have her name be associated with the exact profession (even worse than stripper!) that a parent does not want his or her daughter to adopt - redemption or not!

That's okay, though, because names don't determine one's fate, despite what the Kabalarians think. (They say this, about the name Gary: "This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, & success, as well as cause health weaknesses or accidents to the head, worry & mental tension." Uncanny! I do have health weaknesses of the head!) She became who she was by successfully & utterly ignoring the Bible, & so should you.

It's a lovely name. I've changed my mind. But she still can't marry you as long as she's married to me.