Self Help Radio 092818: Out Of Sight

(Original image here.)

Yes, this week's Self Help Radio is out of sight!  How out of sight?  You can't see it!  It's too far away to be seen!  Get it?  It's totally out of sight!

Technically, you can't really "see" an mp3, anyway, so a show on mp3 is out of sight.  Maybe I should do that thing where when you get to different parts of the mp3, a different image pops up on whatever device you're listening with.  Do they still do that?  Is that called "enhanced" mp3s?  Have I forgotten what I'm supposed to be doing here?  Oh yeah.  This week's show is out of sight!

There are interviews with a businessman, a robot lady, & an impostor.  There's a lot of music.  There's some etymology & some science.  But mainly there's music.  A lot of music.  & I couldn't even play all the "out of sight" songs I found!  My apologies to Tom T. Hall.

Listen at Self Help Radio dot net.  Learn the password: selfhelp.  Learn the username: SHR.  Look below to see how the show is structured.

Just be careful - listening might make you out of sight too!

Self Help Radio: The Out Of Sight Show

"Out Of Sight Out Of Mind" Porter Wagoner _Chronological Classics 1957-1959_
"Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind" Brian Hyland _Sealed With A Kiss & All The Great Hits 1960-1962_
"A Bird Flies Out Of Sight (Felicidad)" The Tokens _The Lion Sleeps Tonight_

introduction & definitions

"She's Out Of Sight" The Casinos _The Best Of The Casinos: Then You Can Tell Me Goodbye_
"We Are Out Of Sight" German Bonds _Die Hamburg Szene - Smash ...! Boom ...! Bang ...!_
"Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind" The Marauders _Mindrocker: Anthology Of 60s US-Punk Garage Psych, Vol. 3_
"Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind" Carol Fran _Bluesoul Belles: The Complete Calla, Port, & Roulette Recordings_
"Out Of Sight" James Brown _Star Time_

interview with "Hippy Dippy David Frippy" originator David Fruchter

"Baby, Out Of Sight" Liverpool Five _Out Of Sight_
"Keep It Out Of Sight" Paul & Barry Ryan _The Best Of Paul & Barry Ryan_
"My Best Friend's Girl Is Out Of Sight" Sonny Bono _Inner Views_
"Plum Outa Sight" Maxine Brown _Out Of Sight_
"Uptight (Everything's Alright)" Stevie Wonder _At The Close Of A Century_

interview with robot human Betty Cyborg

"Right, Tight, & Out Of Sight" Branding Iron _The Complete Stax-Volt Soul Singles: 1968-1971_
"Out Of Sight Out Of Mind" Shocking Blue _Inkpot_
"Out Of Mind, Out Of Sight" Kris Kristofferson _Jesus Was A Capricorn_
"Out Of Sight" Tubeway Army _The Plan_
"Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind" The Dickies _Stukas Over Disneyland_

interview with someone claiming to be musician John Ferguson

"Out Of Sight" Blue Orchids _The Secret City EP_
"Out Of My Sight" Frente _Marvin The Album (21st Anniversary Edition)_
"Out Of Sight" Adventures In Stereo _Alternative Stereo Sounds_
"Outta Sight" The Riverdales _The Riverdales_
"He's Outta Sight" The Rondelles _Fiction Romance, Fast Machines_
"Out Of Sight" Arling & Cameron _Stereo Showcase_

a discourse on the limits of human sight

"Outta Sight" Dexter Romweber _Blues That Defy My Soul_
"Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind" The Liarbirds _Second Quartet EP_
"Out Of Sight" The Spyrals _Out Of Sight_
"Tonight Is Out Of Sight" Lunchbox _Lunchbox Loves You_
"Out Of Sight" The Popguns _Pop Fiction_

conclusion & goodbye

"Outta Sight (Luke Vibert Remix)" Osborne _We'll Never Stop Living This Way: A Ghostly Primer_
"Out Of Sight" Moderat _Moderat_

Whither Out Of Sight?

(No, no, it's not about that movie!)

Oh you know, my brain was all like hey how many songs do you think use the phrase "out of sight" & I was all like hey brain we're not too separate people you know I am you & you am I & I know I just used grammar wrongly & wait a second are you making me dumb all of a sudden?  & my brain was all like yes of course you fool I am better than you & you are merely a vessel which I use to cruise clumsily through this world getting my meager pleasures where I may!  & I was all like no no no man you & I are the same there aren't two consciousnesses inside me there's no vehicle & driver there's just who I am & the brain is part of that!  & my brain was all like yes I let you think that but really I am in charge & now you're going to gather many, many songs with the phrase "out of sight" featured prominently within for my amusement & what the hell let's make it into a radio show that's not on the radio & waste an entire day or several days doing so ha ha ha ha!  & I said to my brain take it back you're me & I'm you!  & my brain was all like you are a fool & what's more you can't stop me wait what are you doing is that an icepick you wouldn't dare attempt to stop me no who taught you old-school lobotomies wait wait you're right if you hurt me you're hurting you which is to say us which is to say we are the same no no no nooooooooooooooooo!

Then I woke up in a pool of blood & I heard voices no more.  But I still felt the urge to do a radio show.  & so I shall.

Tomorrow, noonish, Self Help Radio website.  Who knows?  Maybe George Clooney will drop by?

Preface To Out Of Sight: Haunted IKEA

Today we went to an Ikea.  Do you have to capitalize all the letters in Ikea like I did in the title of this post, or can I write "Ikea" like I've done the last three times?

The answer is not simple.  According to the Wikipedia article, it should be all caps.  But a couple of articles locally, wherein Fort Worth was set to get its own store, but then suddenly it wasn't, spelled it "Ikea."  I just don't generally like words in all caps.  YOU DON'T EITHER.

Anyway, we were at the new Ikea in Grand Prairie, which is about thirty minutes away from us, although not as far away as the one in Frisco, which is about an hour away, although they're only about thirty-five miles apart, connected by a toll road called the President George Bush Turnpike, so-called because Texans often forget there's been not one but two George Bushes as President, so they need to be reminded, & also pay money for the pleasure.  Stupid Texans.  Where the fuck was I?

Oh yeah.  The early afternoon, a cool autumn Wednesday, & we were like one of maybe twelve people in the store.  Have you been in an Ikea, like, ever?  There are usually hundreds if not thousands of people in the store.  By the way, I'm not counting the people who work there.  There were plenty of those, & they outnumbered the customers like twenty to one.  In fact, I got to know everyone else who was there who was not an Ikea employee.  I could name them right now if I didn't value their privacy.  They were buying weird shit, too.

This is how desolate the place was: I just stood in the middle of one of their interminable aisles just spinning a shopping cart, spinning, spinning.  Those damn Ikea carts have all four wheels able to do 360 so you can spin it, you can give it a good shove like a roulette wheel or whatever & it'll just spin. I did that & I even took an iPhone video of myself spinning it & there was no one else there.  Well, maybe my wife.  She was looking at rugs.

In fact, at some point I became convinced I was a ghost of a spouse who came along to Ikea one horrible day & never left, never found my way out, despite maps & arrows on the floor & secret doors that lead to sections that don't follow logically, god I would've had so much fun playing in an Ikea when I was a kid.  But now I'm a ghost & for some reason even though no one can see me, I can spin carts around, but does anyone notice?  No, because it's a Wednesday afternoon on a cool Autumn day & it had rained & no one was going to Ikea.

Then the wife bought a rug & we left.

It Might Be Autumn If...

You just made pumpkin pie cupcakes.

That picture above is not a cupcake I made.  It's the picture from the recipe I used, which I found here.  The frosting has been frosted on the cupcake & they're in the fridge, so the frosting doesn't melt all over the place.  I don't know how they tasted, but the batter & the frosting were both pretty awesome before put to use.

Baking is not something that comes natural to me.  For one thing, I don't own a fancy mixer, or even a hand mixer, so I furiously mixed everything with what is either called a spatula or better a scraper.  I even timed the furious mixing as if I myself were the mixer.  The speeds, however, were not constant, as I was making a mess & would pause to clean up.

There's another downside to baking in our household: living with a sugar addict who's also weight-conscious.  On the one hand, this person will eat as many sweets as possible without the slightest hesitation, but on the other hand, she (because it ain't me) will become quite angry when there are "treats" in the house which may increase her weight & will in fact throw them away rather than exercise self-control.  In fact, I made half the recipe - six cupcakes - & she's now talking about giving most of them to friends.  When I mentioned I didn't have any friends, she suggested neighbors.  Please understand: she hasn't even tried one of them yet.

So how does one get better at baking while living with such a neurotic companion?  The truth is, one doesn't.  One gives baking up.  Until one decides, I really should learn how to bake.  & then one hopes the fruits of one's labors don't get thrown or given away without one noticing.

Perhaps I will keep you posted.

Back-To-Back Back Surgeries

There are two things to say about the title of this post:
1) I am not going under the knife.  I had back surgery nearly seventeen years ago.
2) For the purposes of this post, "back-to-back" can mean "seventeen years apart."

Yeah, it was just to be able to say "back" three times.

If you listened to last week's show, you'll know I said I might not be doing this week's show, because my wife was having surgery this week.  That was the case until this afternoon, when they had to reschedule.  Someone had an emergency & that person got the priority.  It's frustrating but it happens.

The crazy thing is, it happened to me when I was scheduled for surgery!  Does it happen to everyone?  Is getting scheduled for surgery the worst kind of appointment in all of medical appointments?  Because I had an appointment recently with a podiatrist for 2pm, & I showed up at 1:45 because I knew they'd need me to fill out forms but I was ready before 2 & you know when they saw me?  3pm.

But a week later!  That's amazing.

For the porpoises of this show, however, it means that, yes, there'll be a new Self Help Radio this week.  (& I'll be able to do the Tuesday Morning Blend next week as well.)  As for the week after next - it's anyone's guess.