Friday, January 04, 2008

17 Shows To Go!

I am getting down to my last four months of shows on KOOP. How sad is that? Stupid 2008!
Today's show is about ladders. How great is that? 2008 rules!

This is the year I turn FORTY YEARS OLD. How fucked up is that? Stupid fucking 2008!
I didn't make any new year's resolutions. What a relief! I started 2008 right!

This is the year a bunch of liars "run" for president. It makes me tired. Fuck 2008 & fuck Father Time!
This is the last year the current administration is in power. Thank God & His massive package! 2008 will be awesome.

I can go on like this for hours, as I can carry two opposing thoughts in my head indefinitely. (It certainly makes listening to KOOP easier!) But I shall not, as I have a show to prepare for. Won't you come along? It happens today at 4:30 pm Austin time live on the 91.7 frequency on the fm dial or at Seriously, it's all about ladders. Why would I make that shit up?

& yeah, it'll be archived soon. But there's nothing like being there when it happens! I mean, for a radio show, not, you know, a natural disaster or a terrorist attack. It sucks to be there when that happens. My radio show has never killed anyone, as no one has ever been killed by mild disappointment.

I'll see you there. Or I won't see you there. I'll be sad if you can't make it, but if you can it'll be LEGENDARY!

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Where There's A Curd, There's A Whey

At the beginning of the eighth year of the last century, three probably heterosexual men were sitting on a stoop, daydreaming about the new year, but not necessarily about their current new year (1908) because they were sitting on a stoop in Florence, Arizona, just outside Tucson, & not only wasn't Arizona a state yet, but most residents had decided that telling time, either with watches or with calendars, was something territories didn't do. The three men on the stoop choose to abide by that affectation since none of them owned watches, & the one who owned a calendar had one of those "Hang In There!" kitten calendars for 1898. The new year they were daydreaming about was not named.

One of these men became a Supreme Court Justice. One of them became the most famous songwriter in United States history. One of those men (the was who was least probably heterosexual) invented the mechanism which would make television possible.

Not really. One of them stepped on a nail & died of tetanus before William Howard Taft took the oath of office. The other two died in World War I, one of them in the trenches, the other being shot by a French solider who thought he was a female & was surprised, in the light of a bursting shell, to see a mustachioed American blowing him.

What they were daydreaming about, actually, was pretty dull. They wanted to go to Santa Fe to see a circus. Because they actually didn't know what time it was, they would have been sad to find out that the circus left Santa Fe for Abilene several months back. Since they didn't know that, they thought about it, & laughed when they thought about the clowns.

Truly, then, this cautionary tale is here to tell you: is 2008 really any different than 1908? Or can I simply not find either a humorous meaning nor an adequate way to end this post? I think the answers are the same - & very different.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Whither Ladders?

Ladder, a poem.

As I reflect on the ladder as an element
of the human desire to get from one place
(down) to another place (up) without wings
or leaping (& vice versa)

I am reminded of the great parable of
the footstools in one forgotten religion
(or another) which you may remember
from your religious youth

One footstool said to another footstool
I am but a means to an end
& not an end unto myself
which did
cause the other to snort

What the fuck more do you want
you douche you're a sentient footstool!

& they called it in those days perspective
even as from a profane footstool

& truly as I climb the more metaphorical
of ladders I also crave the perspective
& also a footstool that can talk even
if it's a little whiney

For did we not as human species beings
need to climb up not only for things
in high places like cookie jars & fruit
but also to climb out of places

Like holes we dug ourselves into
& our heads out of our asses
wherein perhaps we began reflecting
on things like ladders

In the first place?

That poem written by Daniel Geoffrey Hoplite, some time in the last twenty years. Or minutes.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Preface To Ladders: Happy New Year!

Wow, 2007 is over. I never thought that fucker would leave.

2008 will be a freaky year for Self Help Radio - I'll be leaving KOOP & transitioning (hopefully temporarily) to exclusively podcasting. I hope I can continue doing it - I hope someone out there will want me to continue doing it!

In case you haven't already noticed, my last two radio shows of the year - & the last two indiepop a to z installements of 2007 - are available for your listening pleasure at

Soon the holidays will be over & I'll get back to the business of writing more nonsense in this blog. Until then - here's my wish that the only help you'll be needing in 2008 is Self Help Radio. Happy new year!