Friday, July 27, 2007

Professional Confessional

Carlton Wind, of Megasticks, Nebraska, writes: "I once fed the largest hamster known to woman (indeed, only a man had seen a larger hamster, & that man, alas, was not myself) the world's stickiest head of lettuce (verified by committee) & wrote the best narrative on the experience I had currently available."

Rita Mylar, of Curt, Delaware, responds: "Happy indeed is the (non-existent) soul whose piece of (intangible) mind is made (virtually) whole by kind & good (insufferable) works within the confines of (metaphysical) beauty!"

Dr. Emily Ouch, of Reeling, Nevada, commented later: "You may imagine that the sum is equal to the sum of its parts, but that is a common misconception by the layperson in regards to both diagnoses & treatment of what we in the business call 'the sum of its parts.' It's now well understood that some of its parts are in fact not really factored into the sum of its parts. We find that sumptious."

Children's entertainer Chet "Fluffy The Moose" Spurt weighed in on the editorial page of the Bongos, Alabama, Bingo Quarterly: "As superfluous as the destruction of a single species - a single species of a thousand thousand members we may want to remind ourselves! - may appear in the annals of the cosmos - a work that spans a billion billion volumes we may say as we try to find a book in this library! - as one of those such species who may yet die - who may find themselves as merely one of a trillion trillion trillion footnotes in but a single book in that momentous library we must be aware! - truly even so it should bum us out."

Famed newscaster & javelin catcher Horace Tilde of Woetown, Kansas, mentioned: "Old bumps, sit ye not on mine forehead, though thy crusty way be but crust in my way. Old folds of skin, lay ye not on mine flabby buttocks, but set ye gently, so I my yet rest comfortably on my piles. Old nasty thoughts, come ye not when my mind is most intoxicated, but approach ye calmly, bearing gifts of pornography written, photograped & filmed, so I may see thee when I may most need thee. Yay, verily."

But it's Grant Cheesecutter of Wormwood, Texas, who made it most clear: "I don't give two whooping cranes if you can't get your ass motivated to listen to Self Help Radio on 91.7 fm KOOP this afternoon. I don't give a flying fleidermaus whether you listen to it online at from 4:30 to 6pm central United States time. Truly, I couldn't give more than half a shipwrecked shogun. I'll do it with you, I'll do without you. God you make me puke."

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Not Enough Time To Make Any Sense

Busy busy busy. Also, rainy rainy rainy. It's 75 degrees outside right now. In July. At 5pm. That's so fucked it's not funny.

But it's going to get worse!

Yay Global Warming!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Whither Rabbits?

It's simple. My show this week is happening on July 27. Exactly sixty-seven years ago on that date, July 27, 1940, a brilliant fellow from Taylor, Texas (which is just a few miles north of Austin, where you can hear Self Help Radio) named Tex Avery directed the very first cartoon which featured the iconic animated smart-ass (& very close friend of mine during my youth) Bugs Bunny. I'll be celebrating Bugs' sixty-seventh birthday on my show Friday with a show all about Bugs' family: the Leporidae. The rabbits.

Oh, Bugs'll make an appearance. Don't you worry.

Also, next week's show will be about bathing. So for those of you who don't like it when my show has an actual reason for having its theme of the week, I'll return to being utterly arbitrary in August.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Preface To Rabbits: A Long Discussion Of That Episode Of "Gilligan's Island" Where Our Hero Ate The Radioactive Carrots & Got Super Eyesight

Bunny was the name of the schoolgirl tragedy we witnessed on Prom Night, 1993. You didn't remember all of it - you'd been huffing charred Cocoa Puffs since 10am - but we had made a pact that said this: if we couldn't get anyone to go with the prom to us, we'd act like we didn't care while inside we'd feel like we'd never do anything greater than killing ourselves. Since we weren't terribly motivated, we planned instead to eat as many sandwiches as we could without looking at one another. That was the plan. But as you know, human beings make plans while rabbits laugh. The night turned into a tragicomedy.

At the time, the woman you loved was working as the bass guitar in a psychobilly band. The woman I loved was married to the drumkit in the same band. We weren't old enough to get in the bar, but the kindly bouncer let us sit across the street & listen. Across the street was the halfway house, & we only thought about it insofar as we wondered what exactly it was halfway between. We figured it was something like, halfway between the bar & the house behind it. Something like that.

Louie Crazypants was a convicted felon with convictions. He didn't believe two homosexual boys like you & me should be so unhappy on our Prom Night 1993. I explained we weren't so much gay as sensitive & he beat the living shit out of me for sassing him. I still remember his kind eyes as he explained to me, apologizing, why he had to do it, baby. Then he gut-punched you to show you he loved you, too. He handcuffed us to the back of his truck & drove us to the prom.

Wow, were we fucked up that night! Louie bought us beer & grapefruit, & he told us to drink up, only hitting us when we accidentally squirted him with grapefruit juice, as you will, trying to forced a piece out with a spoon. We arrived at the school in time for the crowning of the King & Queen. Looking around, you & I noticed the same thing - for some reason, Louie had taken us to a school not in our city, but in the neighboring suburb. We also noticed he had covered himself in gasoline & was laughing madly as he moved toward the school door.

Oh Bunny! You were the cutest Prom Queen I'd ever seen, & I'd seen at least one before. Louie ran straight for you as you sneaked a cigarette, balancing your tiara so prettily as you attempted to light a smoke in heels. Your light came on as Louie came on & the two of you went up, up, up. The school, which had earlier that week had all of its asbestos removed & so was feeling a little vulnerable, caught fire as if in spite. Handcuffed to the truck, holding grapefruit rinds to protect us from parts of the school flying at us as the it blazed, we barely saw the class come flying out of the school, virtually every one of them horribly burned & screaming.

The police weren't entirely understanding - we were beaten repeatedly & forced to answer to the name "Betty" - but in the end, they couldn't explain how we could be handcuffed to a truck & also able to start a fire. When we tried to show the cop how we could have done it anyway, our lawyer stopped us, & he was beaten repeatedly. We enjoyed that.

We found out about Bunny years later, when the story was made into a made-for-TV movie that you saw on a plane. You wrote to the producer about how unfair it was that they cast Anthony Michael Hall as you, but I was perfectly happy with the brillaint casting of Paul Dooley as me. You called me that night - the first time we talked in years - & my mother yelled at you & then went across the street & threw eggs at your window. Those were the days!

Monday, July 23, 2007

No Buns For You!


In addition to the regular Self Help Radio, which will allegedly be about rabbits this week, Self Help Radio host & founder Gary Dickerson will guest host the famous KOOP show Stronger Than Dirt.


Self Help Radio host & founder Gary Dickerson spoke with authorities & was unable to provide any information about the whereabouts of KOOP programmer & host of the famous KOOP show, Stronger Than Dirt, Scott Gardner, although Gary Dickerson seemed to think he'd turn up after Sunday or so.


If you're sad about missing Self Help Radio last Friday, the show about "Pride," or if you are sad because you heard it, you can either relive your pain or experience it for the first time, because the show is available in its entirety on the Self Help Radio web page.


Any listener who has last seen or otherwise heard anything from Self Help Radio host & founder Gary Dickerson's naked mole rats, who went out for a drink last Friday after a brief heated exchange & have not called home since are advised to contact Gary Dickerson at the Self Help Radio offices. Please note: the naked mole rats might currently be clothed.


Did you know that naked mole rats have extremely hard teeth because they eat very hard things. Like corm. Or rhizone. Or corn nuts. Or the rims of whiskey glasses. But mainly the roots of plants. You know. God I miss them. Babies please come home!