This is a photo taken on this day in 2019, three years ago. It's a little device I found in the XRAY studios right when I started to do my first show there. I think when I finally posted it to Facebook, I wrote something like "the key to every moderately successful radio show."
But I actually didn't really try it. & I haven't seen it since. Which may be why my shows are so terrible.
You're one hundred years old today?
Yes.
You don't look it!
Thank you.
You look much older than that.
What.
You look biblically old.
Stop.
Those old biblical dudes who lived to be 900 but were just piss & shit machines.
I told you to stop.
Or what? You're going to fight me?
That's right!
Come at me, then, Methuselah!
Pow!
Oh shit you just punched me!
That's right asshole.
I just got decked by a hundred year old man.
Not really. I'm just thirty-two.
What the fuck.
I tell people I'm a hundred because I look like I'm a hundred.
Worse.
You want me to hit you again?
Sure. This time I'll hit back!
Wait. You will?
You fucking bet I will.
You'd hit a hundred year old man?
You're not...
Did you hear that? This guy wants to hit me! & I'm one hundred years old today.
Jesus Christ.
He only lived to be like thirty.
While this show failed to find an Alice who wanted to talk to the show about being an Alice - & to be fair, there were some who were willing but not available this past week - I think you can say Self Help Radio did its best to represent as many Alices as possible, in song & with commentary.
As I usually say when I do these kinds of shows, I hope you know an Alice you can share this with. Or if you're an Alice yourself, even better - you can think the show is for you! Because of course it is.
The show is available now at both the KBOO website & at the Self Help Radio website. If you listen to it at the show's website, you'll need a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp) but you'll be able to download it if you want. Everything that happened on the show is listed below.
Who's in the collage above? There's a legend at the very bottom of this post!
Self Help Radio Presents Alice's Show
"Alice Blue Gown" Edith Day _The Smithsonian Collection Of Recordings American Musical Theater Shows, Songs, & Stars_
"Alice From Dallas" Buddy Jones _The Louisiana Honky Tonk Boy_
"The Story Of Alice (Part 1)" The Chad Mitchell Trio _Blowin' In The Wind_
introduction & definition (featuring the Definition-O-Tron 3000!)
"Walt Disney's Story Of Alice In Wonderland" Robie Lester _Walt Disney's Story Of Alice In Wonderland_
"Alice In Wonderland" Neil Sedaka _The Real... Neil Sedaka (The Ultimate Collection)_
"Alice" Gil & Johnny _Alice_
"Alice In Wonderland" The Berkeley Kites _Alice In Wonderland_
"White Rabbit" Shannon & The Clams _Gremlins Crawl_
Marge Most interrupts to talk about Alice Coltrane
"That Alice" Laura Veirs _Warp & Weft_
"Alice" Cocteau Twins _Treasure Hiding (The Fontana Years)_
"Alice" Tom Waits _Alice_
"All The Girls Love Alice" Emeli Sande _Goodbye Yellow Brick Road_
"Alice Mae" R. L. Burnside _Mr. Wizard_
Ned Dry & Captain McCheese present a tribute to Alice Cooper
"Alice" The Sisters Of Mercy _Alice_
"Alice's House" The Psychedelic Furs _Mirror Moves_
"Watching Alice" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _Tender Prey_
"Here Comes Alice" The Jesus & Mary Chain _Automatic_
"Alice Everyday" Book Of Love _Candy Carol_
Sir Archibald Von Poesy presents his poem "Alice"
"Whatever Happened To Alice?" Rosemary's Children _Él Records - The Legendary B Sides_
"Alice's Wings" Charlotte's Web _Heart Trouble_
"Shame About Alice" Strawberry Story _Clamming For It_
"Love You Alice/D" The Apples In Stereo _Fun Trick Noisemaker_
"Alice D" Lovs e Blur _Behind The Banana Curtain 1975-2000_
Marge Most interrupts to talk about Alice B. Toklas
"I Love You, Alice B. Toklas" Harpers Bizarre _Harpers Bizarre 4_
"Gertrude Stein & Alice B Toklas" Shelley Berman _The Edge Of Shelley Berman_
"Alice Long (You're Still My Favorite Girlfriend)" Tommy Boyce & Bobby Hart _The Anthology_
"Who Planted Thorns In Miss Alice's Garden" Tom Northcott _Hallucinations: Psychedelic Pop Nuggets From The WEA Vaults_
"Alice" Mott The Hoople _The Hoople_
What do the Kabalarians think of the name Alice? A report.
"Aurora Bori Alice" Cotton Mather _Kontiki_
"Alice" Yellow Fever _Cats & Rats_
"Alice Please" Bubblegum Lemonade _Sophomore Release_
"Japanese Alice" Wild Nothing _Life Of Pause_
"Alice, I Want You Just For Me!" Full Force _Electro Funk Sessions_
conclusion & goodbye
"Alice's Restaurant Massacree" Arlo Guthrie _The Best Of Arlo Guthrie_
"Alice" Darwin Deez _Songs For Imaginative People_
"Ugly Alice" Damien Youth _Bride Of The Asylum_
"Alice Was A Dream" Mr. Flood's Party _Mr. Flood's Party_
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*The Alices in the image are, left to right:
Row one: Princess Alice, Alice Brown, Alice Stone Blackwell, Alice Bailey, Alice Guy Blanche, Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Row two: Alice B. Toklas, Alice Stokes Paul, Alice Brady, Alice Lake, Alice Terry, Alice White
Row three: Alice Sapritch, Alice Coachman, Alice Ghostly, Alice Barber, Alice Munro, Alice Coltrane
Row four: Alice Walker, Alice Cooper, Alice Krige, Alice Evans, Alice Eve, Alice Braga
There are of course many more famous Alices, this was not meant to be exhaustive.
Sadly, there will be hardly any Linda Lavin on tonight's Alice show. & as I mentioned yesterday, no interviews with any Alices, either. But there'll be lots of songs about people named Alice - some of whom are famous - as well as information I can share.
It's really fun to play lots of songs about a person (or at least a person's name) & it seemed it was time for me to tackle a different name. I once shared a few Alice songs with a person named Alice. I have forgotten most everything about her - I think we worked together - but I wish I had known there were this many songs about Alices. She would've gotten more than the two or three I knew at the time!
If you're an Alice, or you know an Alice, maybe you'll want to listen tonight on KBOO, from midnight to 3am. That's at 90.7fm here in Portland town, online everywhere at kboo.fm. It will please any Alice & many of the Alice-adjacent.
It pains me to report that this week's Self Help Radio, which will feature songs about all kinds of Alices, will have no interviews with any Alice. It's been the habit of the show, when exploring a name, to talk to people who share the name, to ask if they like the name, how they got the name, etc. I don't personally know any Alices, but I asked on the air & I asked on the Facebook & I asked on the Twitter, & even those who showed a modicum of interest said no or were unable to schedule a time.
The sadness of having an obscure radio show.
