Friday, February 08, 2008

12 Shows To Go!

What a bummer. Twelve more Self Help Radio shows on KOOP. How should I end my run in three months? I'm plum clean out of idears.

Surely you can tune in today at 4:30 as we start to nibble down the last dozen shows. Mmm, nibble. It's on the air in Austin town on the 91.7 frequency from 4:30 to 6pm, & on the online line at the same time at You can listen all the KOOP shows that way, not just mine. Thanks to Thomas Alva Edison.

Speaking of Menlo Park, I'll be subbing the Lounge Show tomorrow morning, too. Self Help Radio will be about jealousy today, but the Lounge Show will be more romantic. It'll be about nibbling. That's not true. It'll be about romance. Because I may have only a broken heart, but I still believe in love. Or eating. Eating crumbly stuff. & love. Mmm, love.

Listen! Listen! Listen!

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Laetrile For Fun & Profit

I found out but decided not to mention that I am "subbing" (which is a word we radio types use to describe what happens when a show's regular deejay asks an irregular deejay {c'est moi} to "substitute" deejay while the regular deejay is away) (look, I know you're not a moron, but I am going to add that "subbing" is short for "substituting," & not short for something like "submarine") (I tell you this in case you weren't paying much attention, & also because I just totally got this condescending email from someone I'm working with on a project & he obviously thinks I'm as smart as a half-opened bag of twizzlers & needs to spell out basic English grammar to me) (which isn't, I know, at all fair, since, again, I don't think you're a moron but think you're actually quite bright, if sometimes a little too self-involved to be continually quick on the uptake) (& you know me, I am passive aggressive & I keep this shit to myself - which is a good idea, because if this self-important douche knew what I really fucking thought about his going all special education on me, it would mean more trouble at work) (Jesus, did you really need to make such a big deal about this, because now this is all parenthetical asides to you & not at all information to the general reader of my blog, who is, you know, not nearly as sensitive as you are & is actually quite amused by me in ways you could never be because of the way we have always been competitive about being "clever" & "funny" & "one-upping" each other) (that wasn't intended to be a dig, & what's wrong, anyway, with the sort of friendly competition we have? have you been keeping track? do you imagine that one of us is winning? & if you think that, is the "winner" the one who has a radio show or the one who doesn't?) (oh did I hurt you poor little feelings? you always pull this on Thursdays, when I just want to convey some information on my little radio show blog, you want to make some big production & it's only a little annoying - what? are you just logging ou...

& you came back. what a baby! & me with no parentheses left. Well, let me just say: I am subbing the Lounge Show on Saturday morning. That's the news. That's all. Wanna go get a beer or something?

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Whither Jealousy?

Here are what some of the finest minds living today all alone have to say about the subject of this year's Self Help Radio Valentine's Day show, which is "jealousy":

"Jealousy contains more of self-love than of love" - Fran├žois de La Rochefoucauld. Actually, he's one of the finest minds living today who's been dead for hundreds of years.

"To jealousy, nothing is more frightful than laughter." Francoise Sagan. What? He died in 2004? Hunh.

"Plain women are always jealous of their husbands. Beautiful women never are. They are always so occupied with being jealous of other women's husbands." Oscar Wilde. Also dead. Apparently none of the finest minds living today are alive anymore.

“Love sees sharply, hatred sees even more sharp, but Jealousy sees the sharpest for it is love and hate at the same time.” I don't really know who said this, but whoever the person is, I'm sure he or she is still alive, therefore one of the finest minds living today.

“Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.” Erica Jong. Who is still fucking alive, ha!

“A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.” Robert A. Heinlein. Famous dead pervert & sci-fi writer. Who I think was actually quite jealous of Arthur C Clarke's success. Heinlein, dude! You just called yourself incompetent & needy!

“Jealousy is the tribute mediocrity pays to genius.” Fulton J. Sheen. He's a dead Catholic dude, so was never even a finest mind, but it's a weird quote from a priest. So I like it.

As you can see, the topic is very appropriate to Valentine's Day, when we buy things for people we love or people we want to love or people we're supposed to love because we bought a marriage certificate & also made a "vow" before "God." As we look at the gifts - candies, flowers, hot oil, fruit, gift certificates, noodles, candleabras, hastily-scrawled poems - surely we feel jealousy for those who are lucky enough not to be in a relationship. & jealousy for the Hallmark corporation & the National Association of Florists, who make a killing that day.

Jealousy! It makes the day go round! Or something like that.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Preface To Jealousy: You Listen To OTHER Radio Shows?

I can't believe you. I thought we had something. Something real, between us, just us. I thought you were my listener & I was your deejay. I just thought... Now I guess you've proven me wrong. Now I guess I was just... Just...

Don't you turn this around on me! Of course I made radio shows before we met! I was on the radio, how could I not be making other radio shows? But all the listeners before you - they might have said they were listening - I might even have believed them - might have talked to them on the phone, taken a request once in a while - but it was never serious. They didn't listen every week. They were fickle, flip, inconsistent. They hurt me! You know when we met I was damaged!

But you - you told me you really listened. You said - I remember your exact words - you said, "I listen every week!" Do you remember the first time you tuned in? I knew you were listening. I was nervous, I tripped over my words more than I usually do. & then the phone rang & you called - & you won tickets to something! You weren't even expecting it! It's like fate wanted you to be my listener & me to be your deejay.

I wish I knew where it all went wrong. You can't tell me you're able to appreciate my show if you're listening to other radio shows. I bet you're even listening to online radio shows. I knew it! You're downloading podcasts!?! What sort of listener are you, anyway? Is there a loyal bone in your ear? How can you even tell the shows apart? See, that's where you protest too much! You're not a dedicated listener, you're a dilettante! I can't believe I once dedicated a show to you!

What are the other shows you listen to? You have to tell me! How can I know what I'm up against? How can I know what stole your attention away from me? Why won't you tell me? Of course it matters! God, it turns out you've kept secrets from me this entire time & you're still keeping secrets? Tell me now! Tell me everything! I can handle it!

I can't handle it. Just go. Just go. But. Can you listen Friday? It's a show about jealousy. Please? Please?

Monday, February 04, 2008

How The Mighty Have Been Grown!

As a child, I shunned exclamation points - found them too ostentatious, too obvious, too emotive, ultimately too phony. But not anymore! I think the exclamation point, once in its infancy, has finally grown up! Yes, it's the puberty of the exclamation point & be careful not to get any on you!

How do punctuations age? I hear you ask, & when you ask, you ask perhaps the middle-agest of the punctuations, which is the question mark. The question mark? The question mark.

By the way, many think the oldest of the world's punctuation is the period. The period. The period? No, it isn't! & it isn't our friend the comma, the comma, whose rhythm has echoed ours - the comma is in fact the only one of the punctuations that breathes as we do - or seems to.

No, the oldest of the punctuations is the apostrophe. The apostrophe's been around long because not only have humans been needing to ram words together as long as they've been needing to use words - 'tis no argument, don't insult me, you can't know, I won't have this, y'all - but they've also always been covetous & needed desperately to tell others what belongs to them. So the apostrophe's role is older than the stopping of a declaration.

As for the youngest of them all - those deformed freaks, the colon, the semicolon - well, no one believes they'll ever grow up. Leave them in their cribs.

So let's celebrate the terrible teens of the exclamation point! Let's be ridiculous & gay! For soon enough, the world will be quiet, & excitement will wane, & there will be no more shouts & hurrahs, & we will be energetic no more... But not today! Fuck you, future! I got me an exclamation point!

Hey! Here's something exciting! Last week's show about beatboxing is available now for your listening pleasure! You know you want to! It's really loud! Here's where it is!! See you there!