Friday, August 15, 2008

Distinctively Automotive Reactions

As promised: the August Self Help Radio Extra mix is up for your listening-to enjoyment. Please hire me to make mixes for your supermarket or retail establishment. I can make old ladies blush under their rosacea. Unless that's not what you want.

As threatened: tomorrow's Self Help Radio will be about those stalwart defenders of democracy, chairs. Yes, chairs. Imagine where America would be sitting if we didn't have chairs! We'd be standing, that's where! & what true American could stand a world without chairs! Not this reclining patriot!

See you tomorrow then. Get some sleep. You look a little, I dunno, ragged. Oh wait. I'm seeing my reflection in my monitor. Holy shit!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

The Worst Joke Ever: A Chronology

I got into a habit in the last century where I would get a lot of free email accounts, then subscribe them to some "daily affirmation" or "joke-a-day" service because, in those days, the accounts could be suspended in they were not used. A million of those "free email" sites came & went, sadly. My favorites were (I so wanted to be, but someone beat me to it) & (although of course the best emails there were already taken - even!). Of course, I took to reading the daily whatevers (I'm not proud), & I have two thoughts about them, since I checked one of my remaining accounts just now & it's still subscribed to one of those daily email services.

The first thought is: some of those daily emails are pathetic, some are just saccharine & unbearable, none are helpful or interesting to people who have IQs with more than two digits, but at least one was downright scary. It doesn't exist any more, but one I subscribed to could have been called "The Scariest Possible Conclusions Drawn From Daily Bible Verses." I don't have any of them saved, alas! (the account disappeared - maybe I was cute & subscribed it to my muslimonline account!) but here's a paraphrase:

TODAY'S VERSE: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind, it is abomination." Lev. 18:22
TODAY'S LESSON: You must kill all homosexuals.

Not that unsubtle, of course, but scary enough for me, & I've seen most if not all of the seven billion kinds of religious craziness, to go, "Whoa!" Day after day. It was awesome!

The second is: those joke of the day emails are painfully lame. I know some so-called comedians & even their slightly exhausting attempts at funny ha ha are brilliant compared with most of these. I just wish they'd steal something from a book. It makes me sad. Here was today's (paraphrased):

A dude stole a bird. He ran afowl of the law!

Seriously. They used a few dozen more words, but that was the joke. & it's like that most every day!

I spent a little free time today working on the August Self Help Radio Extra. I'll put it up tomorrow. I'm sure you can't wait. Meanwhile, I'll be starting a Self Help Radio Joking Affirmation Of The Day email list soon enough. Sign up for it at your own peril.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Whither Chairs?

This week's Self Help Radio is dedicated to the loving memory of Alfred "Thorny" Swaller, the most famous man in the world ever born without a heinie.

For years young "Thorny" watched as other kids, kids with rear ends, were able to do all the fun things that he could not. Among the joys denied "Thorny" were: flatulence, ass-slapping, defecation, buggery, pinchy-pinchy, mooning, &, of course, sitting. Alfred "Thorny" Swaller was one of the few young men in America who never, ever used a chair.

"There are many delicate & painful consequences involved in being born without a posterior," says Dr. Leonard Felch, a leading specialist in the treatment of birth defects. "Nature will re-route your waste expulsion mechanism to wherever it can. Which can be disgusting."

But why, Dr. Felch, couldn't "Thorny" sit?

"Most of all, his condition caused the body to lean forward when he walked, & so he tended to remain upright when possible. Or lean. 'Thorny' was a leaner. Trying to sit might 'bow' his body in such a way that it would not only have been quite painful but it may have made it impossible for him to get back up without help. & 'Thorny' was fiercely independent."

Three months ago, the forty-five-years-young "Thorny" Swaller wrote an email to the Self Help Radio offices, then in exile in Kitchener, Ontario. The letter, which cannot be reproduced because it was illegible, touched the staff of the well-regarded but under-nourished radio show, who determined to make a show for "Thorny" before he died. Unfortunately, Alfred "Thorny" Swaller died, ironically enough, from prostate cancer, which the doctors had missed, because they had assumed he either didn't have a prostate gland, or it was simply some place else. Oh he had one.

A "regime change" at the Self Help Radio offices brought down Scooter Lothario, executive in charge of thematics, who already was in trouble because of the "Dynamite" show debacle (TNT is not dynamite! Stupid stupid stupid!), & he was replaced by sentimental favorite Silver Fredlington, who promptly decided that the next show, regardless of theme, be dedicated to Swaller.

Fredlington was fired earlier this week when it was discovered the show would be all about chairs.

Nonetheless, this week's Self Help Radio is dedicated to the loving memory of Alfred "Thorny" Swaller. Here's hoping that, wherever you are, you can finally sit down.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Preface To Chairs: Have A Seat!

There was once an increasingly violent discussion between two friends about punctuation. In particular, the taller of the two friends was telling the shorter of the two friends that the shorter of the two friends used the exclamation point way too often to suit the taller of the two friends' taste. The taller of the two friends told the shorter of the two friends that the continual gratuitous use of the exclamation point pissed him off.

"Really!" said the shorter of the two friends. The taller of the two friends started hitting the shorter of the two friends & did not stop until the shorter of the two friends could now be called "the friend who was now a bloody pulp."

"My God!" said the friend who was not a bloody pulp under his breath when he realized what he had done to his friend who was now a bloody pulp. "I can't believe I did that just because of an exclamation point!"

The New Yorker noted that "this story is amusing enough for pleasant company at cocktail parties, ski lodges, & barn burnings." The original writer of the tale, Savage H. Puncture, while agreeing with the review, quickly point out that the reviewer, summarizing the tale, left out the important ending & its import. In fact, there were two more paragraphs about a quizzical chair who watched the two friends with interest, especially when the blood began to be spilled.

Puncture's final paragraph told us that the chair did not get the same joke the reader of the tale should, & that that was sad, because it meant that chairs had no sense of irony. Chairs could be used ironically, or placed ironically, or discussed ironically, but they did not themselves understand the irony of a man angry at exclamation points using them when he realized where his anger led him.

Savage H. Puncture himself was murdered by a friend who didn't like his writing at all.

Monday, August 11, 2008

A Wealthy Of Sharing

Hey! I had to wake up this morning early for the first time in thirteen years! It was awful! It's all dark outside & my girlfriend's still in bed with me! It was just so unseemly!

Why did I wake up so early? It was to listen to my former barber & current pal Zeke Moonshine as he subbed one of KVRX's great shows, Heliocentric Hootenanny. Zeke was there with his untrustworthy sidekick Boy Howdy, who's weirder than a square egg. I went ahead & archived the show over at my Self Help Radio page, since I liked it so much. Or I would have, if I had heard it. I fell back asleep because I couldn't find a way to remove my pillow prematurely from my head. It would've been like abortion or self-mutilation or something.

Might I also remind you, if you're visiting the Self Help Radio so-called web site, that this past week's Self Help Radio, about blossoms & blooms, is available there for however you want to play with it. It's a good show, & you'll learn all about flower pinching. Or are you brave enough? Hmmm?

Hurrah! I am done with this blog entry! Now I need to go stand outside in the painful August heat & see if I can keep my eyes open by burning my lower eyelids so it hurts for the upper lids to touch them.