Friday, June 29, 2007

Undead Blogging

Weird. I am writing this as my show has just begun. I apologize for it already. If you keep listening, it might not get any better, but at least you'll get used to it, like a daily beating or lead poisoning. Oh boy! My first airbreak!

Ha! I just told people who might have been listening that I am blogging! Uh oh. One of my apprentices has said she'll be showing up. I guess I don't want to be blogging while she's here. So I won't.

You're not listening to Self Help Radio right now on KOOP radio? Well, I applaud your taste, but I am a self-deprecating sort & the show might actually be good. Wouldn't you hate to miss that?

Me too.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Heart Of Hearts

Question! Did you really fall off a log on your back in the muddy rain?
Answer! Where did I put that bad attitude!

Question! What happens to all the hugs & kisses when we run out of x's & o's?
Answer! Which one of you mothers belongs to this garage sale!

Query! How does a friend stop being a friend & becoming a psycho poseur?
Response! Why are you so blind, you feckless fuck!

Ringtone! Did I catch you with who-know-you at the you-where-you know-when-know?
Texting! Which computer language am I speaking: bleddle deddle bleddle beddle!

Observation! Who worries about ice cubes until it's too late?
Misapprehension! Who drinks gin at room temperature who isn't British & sickly!

Question! Does how much you hate make how little you care seem too much to deal with?
Answer! What movie is that from why won't you tell me!

Relativity! What do you call someone who can't tell the difference between frogs & rats?
Certainty! Shall we try to replace the context of the "so & so walks into a bar" joke!

Offensive! Are those new shoes?
Defensive! Are those new tits!

Dominant! What are you going to do about your stupid life!
Submissive! What would Sam Beckett do!

Pre-op! Can someone tell me that name of that mean & ugly nurse?
Post-op! Why would any hospital hire such an obviously hateful person!

Question! What do you think my kitten says when she says "meeow"?
Answer! What does your blood taste like!

Science! Aren't you afraid of getting caught?
Religion! Do you think they'll put me back in the happy place with the happy pills!

Open! Do you double space the text so it's easier for the average person to read?
Closed! What does any of this have to do with a radio show!

Simple! Why can't I get to sleep even when I'm really really tired?
Complicated! Why can't I wake up even when I have nothing to do!

Question! Don't you hate that you didn't pay enough attention to Nikki Sudden when he was alive?
Answer! Do you really want a list of my regrets!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 9?

Isn't it enough I love the music I love? Do I give a shit whether you listen to the unbearable nonsense you listen to? Do I come over to your house & weed-whack without permission? Why do you feel the need to charge me for all the oxygen I breathe around you? You're mean.

I'll say it again. I don't have enough noodles in my life. Let me rephrase. I am uncomfortable around naked people. However, I have been known to discard clothing in my time. This is not much in way of an explanation. But you keep your glasses too tightly pressed to your face. You know how that makes my teeth weep.

Someone the other day was making plans for tomorrow, & no I wasn't invited along nor did I want to be. Still she said, "How far in advance do you plan your shows?" I began to explain how a heterosexual Celtic mage does a dance on my forehead exactly fourteen seconds after I enter rem sleep if I am sober & it's not later than 4am, & how I then commune with a round table (if you will) of slightly incorrect copies of minor characters in post-war American novels, & we drink a bit of a mildly alcoholic concoction that tastes like a warm bloody mary that's fallen asleep next to a flat plastic bottle of RC Cola, & after a couple of hands of canasta (which I can only play in my dreams; I don't know how to in an awake state), we discuss what's going to happen on Self Help Radio in the next few weeks...

But she stopped me there. She said, "Not your radio shows. The shows you put on for the neighborhood when you get drunk, turn the stereo on, dance around the room like a burglar struggling with an attack dog, all the time forgetting to close your drapes. How far in advance do you plan for those shows?"

I guess when I buy the booze, the idea's put in my head. That's not helpful, though. I want to talk about the heterosexual Celtic mage!

Still, indiepop is vibrant & fun, & there's more & more. & this week we will begin the Cs! You can listen to old episodes of the Indiepop A To Z OCD Radio Experiment at the Self Help Radio archive page. If you're able to make it there before Friday, you might win a prize.

Or you might you be the same judgmental jerk you were the last time we talked about music. Gah!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 9 (I Think): Oh No Not This Again!

Indiepop is nice music. I first encountered it in a closet (that's where I meet all my music, now that I think about it). It was actually afraid of the funk. Who isn't? But I cajoled it out & we've been pals ever since.

Agh! I keep scratching a scab on my knee & it keeps bleeding. I have a bleeding knee! I sound like a place where white people slaughtered Native Americans. I will confess though, that I've always liked the way blood tastes. Well, my blood. I've never tasted anyone else's blood. I could very well be the pickiest vampire ever.

When I write things like that ("the pickiest vampire ever"), I wish I were a songwriter, because I could then write a song called "The Pickiest Vampire Ever." Then I would probably twee it up a bit, & it'd become an INDIEPOP song called "The Pickiest Vampire Ever." It would have lines like, "He doesn't like the taste of blood/Unless he is in love in love." I would need to be a lot more cute, however. I've never been cute enough for indiepop.

When I say that, by the way, I don't mean that indiepoppers are cute. Ack, no! Some of the homeliest people love indiepop. They definitely think they are cute, but more than anything, they act cute. I don't act cute enough for indiepop. I am a dork. But I'm not self-consciously dorky enough for nerdcore. Not to disrespect nerdcore. Any genre that has a "star" called MC Plus+ is all right by me.

When indiepop gets that self-consciously cute, it's hard to stomach. Something much easier to stomach is indiepop's cleverness. That's what drew me to it in the first place. I heard it punning in my closet. Rats! Another indiepop song I'll never be able to write!

Anyway, indiepop is nice music. So I say.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Oh Ye Of Little Fates!

Perhaps a few introductory remarks might be in order. For those of us joining you overseas. In case your ship, which shall sail, sails alas! I am happy to brief the settlement & offer the customary light fare that recruits expect in every buffet & bar on this side of the world. Alas!

1) There will be no fondling of hallowed topics on this radio show. It's either fuck them or get out of the way.
2) When I say "sit still," I mean "sit still." When I say "look away," I mean, "panic!"
3) The importance of yard work - or the fretting about thereof - shall not be undersold.
4) Recently it has come to my attention that you require prerecorded cues to determine when you need to laugh. This is unacceptable.
5) However, subliminal sounds (which sound a lot like goats weeping) have been inserted into archived radio shows to help you know when you are supposed to be amused. Don't thank me all at once.
6) Fire breathing may seem hokey but it can totally mess your throat up.
7) Even metaphorically.
8) I was thinking about it, though, when you have fantasy movies or books or whatever & the graceful gallant knight is battling the wild, evil dragon, & the dragon roars & flame comes out of its mouth, that flame is basically the dragon's flammable spit. Am I right? Like, the spit has a chemical reaction to oxygen & turns to flame. If so, that's just gross.
9) Because, you know, human fire breathers have to put liquid into their mouths in order to blow fire. Human spit is not flammable. Not ever. Not even for people with Butt Breath.
10) Butt Breath cannot be detected on the radio, which may explain why so many people at KOOP have Butt Breath.
11) They know who they are.
12) It's getting so that your average meeting at KOOP, even when held at a fancy downtown eatery, smells like it's being held in the front restroom of the United States Diarrhea Club.
13) If you know what I mean.
14) On this radio show, we don't talk about body parts much.
15) On this blog, it's all butts & balls.
16) & saliva & blood.
17) & recalcitrance & woe.
18) Do not operate heavy machinery for a few hours after my show. This isn't because of something my show does to your brain - this is because it's Friday & you're supposed to be off work. & when you're off work, you drink. A lot. So don't operate heavy machinery when you're drunk. Duh.
19) Light machinery is fine.
20) Light machinery is machinery an eight-year-old girl can pick up & carry around for seven minutes.
21) Singing along is fine.
22) Sexing along is weird.
23) There is only one other thing to mention.
24) Why must you constantly change record labels?
25) I can't keep up with your reissues!

For more in an active sense, you can as of right now go to the archive page & listen to last Friday's exciting & exacting episode. I will be over at your house later today to ask you how it made you feel. Make me scones.