Friday, November 16, 2007

24 Shows To Go!

Is this the time in every radio show's life when everyone gets sentimental & starts to remember things kindly? Oh boy! I was such an asshole & a fuckup, I really need this!

I remember when I was 24 - it was a nice enough age for me, although I was completely messed up most of the time, not from drugs (I was still more or less "straight-edge" then) but from a broken relationship that had consumed the previous three years of my life. & that relationship's name was George W Bush.

Everything but the last part is true. But you'll forgive me, right? I only have 24 MORE SHOWS ON KOOP TO GO!

People were nice when I announced it last week, but I hope everyone understands I'm just leaving the airwaves, not the universe of making radio shows. Do you need a radio to make a radio show? I think not! Or, we'll see. It's easy to turn the radio on. It's harder to compete when you can watch entire episodes of the Daily Show online. & I'm linking to them! What an asshole & a fuckup!

Someone asked me if I am doing special things so I don't "waste" my shows - but that implies there's a finite amount. Not so! I have millions of radio shows in me. & they'll come out, like all my teeth & the majority of my colon, before I die. Just not necessarily on KOOP.

Therefore I'll be doing what come naturally - the same thing you've come to know & dread. Or, failing that, more shows about zombies & pie.

I'll see YOU at four-thirty, you sweet-smelling thing you.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Jump, Clarinet!

In all of the excitement over the great Nostril Hair Debacle this week (will Mitt Romney ever recover?), I have been unable to communicate with you about other, non-Self Help Radio-related radio experiences I had this weekend.

The one involving me & the transistor radio & the tub of bean dip cannot, unfortunately, be discussed in public. But I do think you can still see, in the St. David's Hospital emergency room, the chalk outlines left by the cops, & the sheer terror in the eyes of the EMTs & that nice fellow who sells the American flags. My lawyer says I apologize for all that.

But on Saturday morning, as hungover as could be, I subbed the show called "Big Band & Classic Jazz." I focused on the clarinet in the 1920s. I had fun. You can hear the show in its entirety over at Not once did I shriek that shriek which, I know, causes wolves to commit suicide. I save that for Fridays.

The next day, last Sunday, I showed up to sub Mojo Time & did a special Veteran's Day show about the post World War II blues phenomenon called "Jump Blues." It's also now available to be listened to over at I am not responsible for injuries sustained by you if, during the show, you choose to try to dance like you imagine people used to dance to jump blues. My girlfriend found that out the hard way.

Please enjoy lots of Gary on the radio. I must go now to spread rumors about my dentist. How he hates me! Well, now I'll give him a reason that has nothing to do with high fructose corn syrup!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Whither I/You/He/She/It/We/They Come(s)?

Eek! My theme this week is goofy!

Luckily it's easy to explain: I am playing songs that feature one or some of these phrases:

Here I come. Here you come. Here he comes. Here she comes. Here it comes. Here we come. Here they come.

That's all. There are lots of songs with that phrase because it's a common phrase we use in English.

(Although I won't play this song, since I played it during my "hiding" show earlier this week. I hope no one minds.)

Self Help Radio is not shackled nor trapped by the conventions of other radio shows that require their "themes" to be solid things, like the intestines or pellets or clubhouses or cheese. We attempt to expand the very idea of ideas. Everything can be a theme, especially those things that are least thematic. So we can have a phrase as a theme. Why not? It's not like there's a body out there that can tell me what I can & can't play on the radio.

Wait, I've just been informed there is such a body & it's called the FCC. But as long as my themes aren't poo, pee or graphic sex (such as sex involving poo or pee), I'm safe. Which means I won't be doing that show about hot karls any time soon. Rats. & there was this great Pat Boone song I wanted to play!

Self Help Radio is as free as any radio show can be, within the limits of the law. & maybe my own narrow world view. Oh, & within the bounds of music I deem as good. & then in the subset of music that I own. That I can remember I have when thinking about a theme. In time for the show.

As for this week's show - on Friday, here it comes!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Preface To Here I/You/He/She/It/We/They Come: Uh, What The Hell?

That's right, the "theme" of this week's show is unweildily entitled "Here I/You/He/She/It/We/They Come." Perhaps it would be easier if I had written "[adverb] [pronoun] [verb]," but if I had done that, the show could mean "there you are" or "happily she dances." I wanted the show to feature prominently the construction HERE [pronoun] COME(S).

Either way, trying to explain what this week's theme is (never mind why I chose it) makes it seem like either a) I am a prim grammarian who is attempting to educate while condescending to entertain, or b) I am a lunatic who has discovered pronouns but only can understand them in the context of one sentence.

As far as I know, neither is true, although I don't sleep well & could very well be hallucinating this computer in front of me & am instead typing on my new puppy's head. I imagine that's not the case, but I can't be sure. Who sleeps well, anyway? Is that something reserved for children & puppies? I bet the war criminals that run the United States government sleep well, though. They must, knowing that they control pretty much everything. Hmmph!

But I confess I don't really understand the theme myself, or am being coy about it, so trying to explain may be more confusing. Anyway, here goes: I will be playing songs that are called &/or prominently feature the phrasal construction "here I come," "here you come," "here he comes," "here she comes," "here it comes," "here we come," or "here they come." There are, as you might imagine, a few songs that contain that phrase. I'll play the ones that I like that do.

That didn't seem so confusing. Now I shall attempt to explicate Fermat's next-to-the-last theorum. (The easy one.)

(One excuse/caveat/mea culpa/parenthetical remark: I haven't really found anything that is titled or contains the phrase "here they come," but the Monkees theme song keeps coming to mind, & I'm not going to play that, not even for money.)

It's darker earlier here. It's totally creeping me out.

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Hate Inside

I am not liking myself all that much right now because I am a monstrous fuck-up, but I will just say that I baked a delicious radio show last Friday all about pie, & you can listen to it over at

Other than that, I have nothing to say. I must go beat myself up some more.