Friday, June 27, 2008

Weird. I Missed A Day.

You heard me! I zoned out today working on tomorrow's fabulous show & missed writing in my blog! Also, I'm going to visit my mother tomorrow, so my brain is only working at embarrassed second grader capacity. Forgive me. I'll write more funny funny the next time.

But can I remind you that tomorrow at there'll be a new show? & though I will be sober, it'll still be ugly? Wait. What?

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Did You Want Extra Extra With That?

While virtually unknown outside the seedy world of truck stops & logging towns, Self Help Radio continues to this very day to provide musical foodstuffs to a tone-hungry world. For this June of 2008 (patent pending), Self Help Radio offers once more an "extra" in the form of Self Help Radio Extra, a homemade mix made by a homeboy called me in the privy of my own home. It features new stuff from the likes of Johnny Foreigner, Sparks, Tilly & The All, & The Sound Of Arrows plus old stuff that the new stuff reminded me of. Have a look. Have a listen. It's from me to you.

Self Help Radio Extra. Insert some made up slogan here, but make it sound like the deep voice who did the "Better than it has to be, Amalie" commercials in the 80's. Which I can't find on You Tube. But I did find a piano-playing cat. So that's something.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Whither Cut?

There are sixty-five definitions for the verb "cut" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Can you imagine? Let me say that again, in bold: There are sixty-five definitions for the verb "cut" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Such a little verb!

Now you may be thinking, with sixty-five definitions for the verb alone, surely a show of this kind can be easily done, & the host must be a lazy fuck indeed. But wait! Some of the definitions are bee-zar! Listen:

8. b. (slang or colloq.) to cut it too fat: to ‘come it strong’, overdo a thing.
10. To break up, reduce, or dissolve the viscidity of (a liquid, phlegm, etc.).
30. Dancing. (intr.) To spring from the ground, and, while in the air, to twiddle the feet one in front of the other alternately with great rapidity.
44 c. (used in cheese-making) To add extra stank to the cheese; to poot it up.

Okay, I made up the last one. But seriously, that's all fourteen different kinds of nutty! I can't find any songs for such things!

My favorite use of cut is of course definition 22b:

22. b. To dilute or adulterate. Chiefly U.S. "He cut his heroin with confectioner's sugar to make it more delicious."

The show isn't really supposed to be about the kind of cutting we associate with goth girls. Although I'd love to listen to a radio show about these kind of cutters. But they don't even have a complete wikipedia entry!

I know the one you like best. Admit it, music lover: 23d.

23 d. Sound Recording. To record; to make (a record). orig. U.S.

Or is it 21e, film buff?

21. e. (Cinemat., Radio.) trans. To edit (a film, etc.). Also intr., to make a quick transition from one shot to the next. imp. A signal to stop.


You'll find me in my trailer.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Preface To Cut: A Lifetime Fighting Against Shaving

First two paragraphs of a new science fiction blockbuster I'm writing:

Ronald stood silently with a cap gun against the head of his little brother Rudolfo. Rudolfo had no idea whether the cap gun was loaded or not. Plus he really had to go pee pee & knew that, the minute the cap went off, not only would he experience a painful ringing in his head (this wasn't the first time Ronald had put a cap gun to his head), but he'd also pee all over himself. NOT AGAIN! he thought to himself.

Ronald had only the slightest sense of his little brother's plight. Unbeknownst to Rudolfo, Ronald was able to sense, unlike other human beings, the invisible aliens which live among & slowly eat the souls of human beings. Ronald had watched his parents get consumed until all that was left was their bodies as empty husks. He didn't want it to happen to him, & he definitely didn't want it to happen to his little brother Rudolfo. NEVER AGAIN! he thought to himself.

A word about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may be inserted into this section of the narrative at some future time. The wikipedia article is kinda long & I am still a little sleepy after lunch. Also, while readers may assume Ronald & Rudolfo are children, I need to add dialogue which suggests they're in their late thirties & spend way too much money on strippers.

Also, Kjuch, the lead soul eater, should eventually realize that his people, by eating the souls of corporeal beings, are endangering their own immortal souls, as he realizes by reading, while he's eating a fundamentalist preacher, the Bible in the preacher's hands. Kjuch then attempts to proselytize to his people, but they don't want to learn to read & they argue that the religious people, whose souls are already kinda thin, taste worse than the non-believers. Kjuch sticks to his guns & starves to death, as his people can't eat anything but human souls.

Note: can we get that "Young At Heart" group to do the soundtrack? Maybe covering nothing but Siouxsie & The Banshee songs. & make it a point that both Ronald & Kjuch move their lips while they read. That'll establish the empathic relationship between monster & hunter required for the ages 14 - 21 demographic.

There'll need to be a seemingly plausible radiation sequence where Kjuch is visible to all humans - or maybe just Shriners - & them a long boat chase through Venice. I've always wanted to go to Venice. I've always wanted a boat chase.

For further reading, I suggest you listen to last week's Self Help Radio, which was about TRASH, available not at finer stores near you, but at the shabbily appointed website called This podcast not only contains the germs of this science fiction blockbuster, but... No, it just contains the germs. It's trash, after all.

Stay tuned! I haven't finished writing this & now Singapore businessmen are offering me seventeen million dollars if I let their favorite hookers play the strippers in the movie. This should be in post-production in time for Christmas!

Monday, June 23, 2008

George Carlin

I just found out. I shouldn't be sad - he lived one hell of a life. Imagine! Being so funny, so smart, so insightful - & getting paid for it? Because that what he did. His is a voice that'll be missed.

I had a really good friend - my very first best friend - in middle & high school named Scott Hauff. Scott was always quoting George Carlin to me, routines like the "hippy-dippy weatherman." It was one of those cases where I initially thought he - that is to say, Scott - was coming up with the routines. Not that he took credit for it, but he did make me laugh enough to go to the source.

Sometimes I can be a prude & find coarse humor a little too much, so I've never been a fan of his fart jokes. I'm not interested in the least in marijuana, so the fact that my stoner brothers spoke of him as being in the same category as Cheech & Chong was off-putting. What attracted me first to Carlin in my adult life was his observations on language. Here are two mp3s from the audio version of what I suppose is his last book, When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?, which are his observations about the language of poor people:

His observations on language of course led him to talk about politics & how those in power use language to keep power. John Nichols has written a piece about him called George Carlin: American Radical that says it better than I could.

I don't mean to focus just on that aspect, because he was just as funny when he was being absurd. He was one funny motherfucker, but his humor could also lead you to profound insight. There are very few comedians about whom you can say that.

Man. A lifetime of quotes, observation, gut laughs, embarrassment. I still think of what he said about air travel whenever a plane lands & the crew says "Welcome to [insert city]!" Carlin said, "How can they welcome you if they just got there themselves?"

Of course, as a radio guy, you know the bit that has probably affected me most in my "career." It led a Supreme Court case that defined what we can & can't say on the radio. & his routine was read into the decision. Immortality!

I never got to see him live (just on the TV), but I've gobbled up as much as I can find & will continue to do so. & of course I've played him on my show whenever possible. I'll miss his insight, but I'll say again, he lived one hell of a life. I'm glad I existed in the world when he did for as long as I did. & I'm glad we existed together in a time when his observations & writings could be saved & easily accessed.

Thank you, George Carlin, & goodbye!