Preface To One Thousand: No, Not The Thousandth Show

Man, I wish I had the time to count my shows!  It was hard enough making the "table of contents" page back in the day!  But as I keep saying, there's just no way this could be Self Help Radio's thousandth show.  Shall I show the math?

The show debuted in October 2002.  That's about seventeen years & nine months (or let's say thirty-six) weeks ago.  Seventeen years is approximately 884 weeks.  Plus 36 is 920 shows.  That assumes, however, that I have produced an episode of Self Help Radio every week during that time, which is, of course, not true.  Just this year I skipped an entire month because of the pandemic.  That means there have been (probably) less than nine hundred episodes of Self Help Radio.

But what about other shows, like the Dickenbock Report, which explored different themes?  I am currently not counting them nor putting them on my "table of contents" page.  But that doesn't mean I haven't done that in the past - the show I did on XRAY for National Radio Day is on there.  Should I count those?

What I've decided to do is create a kind of spreadsheet (ugh) to keep track of the number of shows I've done.  Although I can't do a "one thousand" show for the actual one-thousandth Self Help Radio episode now.  At least I can note it.

Garden Envy

(Observations in haiku)

My wife envies this
Your new garden lush & green
She'll tell me, not you

My wife slanders you
She claims you use pesticides,
Toxic chemicals

See your berry bush!
Ripe berries in your front yard!
Urban foraging!

My wife built raised beds
To thwart the slugs; now she finds
Paw prints in the soil

Is it wrong to try
To make friends with the neighbors
Whose gardens are great?

The neighbor's caught on!
She smiles at our poor garden
"Better luck next year!"

July 16, 2020

There's too time today to find an interesting post from my past, so enjoy this radio-related comic from
Poorly Drawn Lines, one of my favorite internet comics:

(The original is here.)

Self Help Radio 071320: Lessons

(Using a cheat sheet on a Self Help Radio lesson!  For shame!  Original image here.)

You're expecting me to start this with something like, "What have we learned?"  Sorry, not going to play your game.  I learned my lesson long ago about conforming to expectations.  It makes one well-liked, happy, & satisfied.  I mean, have you heard this show?

There certainly were a lot of lessons on today's show.  Although now that it's over, I can't think of a one.  Something probably about knowing oneself.  Maybe something about love?  I did what I always do, I dozed off while the lecturer was going on & on, just reading off the Powerpoint slide.  I did have nice dreams though.  I always had the best dreams sleeping in class.  & I woke so refreshed!  It makes one wish one could return to school.  To get better rest.

The lesson of all this is that Self Help Radio had a show this morning & you can listen to it now & anytime really at the Self Help Radio website.  You must remember your username (SHR) & password (selfhelp) to access the lesson.  It's only one lesson, though.  There's really not much the show has to teach you.  The syllabus is below.

Do not begin the test until you are told to do so.

Self Help Radio Lessons Show
"I Learned My Lesson" Bobby Blue Bland _I Pity The Fool: The Duke Recordings, Vol. 1_
"The Lessons To Unlearn" Fonda _The Strange & The Familiar_
"Lesson One" Gavin Guss _On High_

introduction, definitions, & Tom Homonym interrupts!

"Piano Lessons" Poison Girls _Statement_
"Piano Lessons For Beauty Queens" Tullycraft _The Singles_
"King Arthur & The 'Old Woman': A Lesson In Anarcho-Syndicated Commune Living" Monty Python _The Album Of The Soundtrack Of The Trailer Of The Film Of Monty Python & The Holy Grail_
"Lesson" Sarah Shook & The Disarmers _Years_
"Funkin' Lesson" X Clan _Funkin' Lesson_

interview with Darius Allen Hook Shariaty

"Lesson 2 (James Brown Mix)" Double Dee & Steinski _What Does It All Mean?: 1983-2006 Retrospective_
"Love Lesson" Mickey & Sylvia _Love Is Strange: All The Hit Singles As & Bs 1950-1962_
"Lessons" Kate Tempest _The Book Of Traps & Lessons_
"The Lesson Of Sodom (According To Lot)" Momus _Circus Maximus_
"The Heart's Filthy Lesson" David Bowie _Outside_

interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently

"History Lessons" Allo Darlin' _We Come From The Same Place_
"There's A Lesson To Be Learned" Gladys Knight & The Pips _All I Need Is Time_
"Lady Lessons" Nancy Kulp & Donna Douglas _Flatt & Scruggs 1964-1969, Plus_
"French Lessons" Metrovavan _Little Darla Has A Treat For You, Volume 18: Winter 2002_
"Lesson Learned The Hard Way" Death By Unga Bunga _Tell Me Why EP_

interview with Coach Miller

"Lesson In Survival" Joni Mitchell _For The Roses_
"Learned My Lessons" Jenny O. _Automechanic_
"Italian Lesson No. 3" Space Ghost _Space Ghost's Surf & Turf_
"How I Learned My Lesson" X _Under The Big Black Sun_
"A Lesson We Should Learn" The Mighty Diamonds _Jam Session_

conclusion & goodbye

"Free Guitar Lessons For Animals" Flossie & The Unicorns _L M N O P_
"Let That Be A Lesson To You" Louis Armstrong _The Complete Louis Armstrong Decca Sessions (1935-46)_
"You've Been Taking Lessons In Love" Fats Waller _1935_

Whither Lessons?

(Image from here.)

Who's ready to learn something?  Uh oh.  Self Help Radio is not ready to teach anything.  No, the best the show will be able to do this week is talk about lessons, rather than give lessons.  But - is there a difference?

Can you look over a lesson without learning at least a little something about the lesson?  Perhaps - but for the sake of argument, which is to say, to pretend that perhaps there might be something to learn in this week's Self Help Radio, let's say no, you can't.  Simply knowing the outline of a lesson by its nature teaches you something.  Even if the lesson is in a foreign language you don't understand.

Oh damn it, I took it too far.

Anyway, if you're fond of lessons, but not learning, or if you're fond of lessons & learning, but can get by without learning much at all, or even if you're not fond of lessons or learning but wouldn't mind hearing a bunch of songs about lessons, then you'll want to tune in to Freeform Portland tomorrow morning at 8am for this week's Self Help Radio.  It'll happen from 8 to 10am on 90.3 & 98.3 fm & online at freeformportland.org.

No word yet whether there'll be a test & if there is whether there'll be a curve.