Saturday, January 16, 2010

Preface To 1974: Did You Know They Have Facebook In Finland?

That's weird. I thought it was cold there all the time & people worked in factories. At least that's what I got from the movie Match Factory Girl, which really is one of my all-time favorite movies, which is actually called "Tulitikkutehtaan tyttö." Which I am assuming is not Finnish for "Facebook."

Probably "Facebook" is Finnish for "Facebook." Finns actually speak English quite well. Here's an actual internet answer to the question I was thinking of asking, which was "How many Finnish folk speak English?":

"Swedish is actually the second official language of Finland, but I found most Finns I met actually spoke better English than Swedish."

What does that say about Swedish? In Finland, I mean.

I am feeling bad I forgot to write in the blog on Saturday. Technically, it's Saturday night, as I've been awake all day, but I'll count this as Sunday because the days have officially changed. Luckily no one reads this, or else I might be taken to task. Whatever that means.

I did a google for "Self Help Radio" & found a Finnish Facebook page. It's very weird. Or have I been drinking in front of the fire again? Who knows? Who cares? Good night Helsinki! I'll remember you in my memoirs!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

A Million Miles Of Radio Show Begins With A Single Download...

Today's Self Help Radio, which features lots of songs talking about "a million miles" & therefore can be considered millions of miles long (although it's only ninety minutes) (which is kinda funny because people are always thinking that "light years" measure time, not distance, & who can forget the hilarious blooper in Star Wars where Han Solo can make "the Kessel Run" in "under 12 parsecs" ha ha I can't but if you want to read Star Wars nerds defending their sensei George Lucas from what was obviously a mistaken understanding of what a "parsec" is you can do that here but anyway I must be the first person in the history of whatever-the-fuck to confuse a "mile" as a unit of time oh what a dumb douche-nozzle I am!) anyway that aside was too long so I'm going to have to start again.

Today's Self Help Radio, which features lots of songs talking about "a million miles" & therefore can be considered millions of miles long (although it's only ninety minutes) is now available to be listened to as is its tendency once it's recorded at Please do so. I now have to go listen to every record released in 1974 to remind myself which were my favorites. See you Saturday!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

One To The Zero To The Zero Zero Zero Zero Zero Miles

Eep, did I put too many zeroes in the title? A million is a one with six zeroes. Self Help Radio is a show with one zero. Me.

I've got probably a million songs stuck somewhere in my head which would help if I had to walk a million miles because it would take me a long time to walk a million miles & let's face it I'd probably want to sing some of the songs more than once.

I only have ninety minutes so don't expect a million songs but do expect to hear songs that cover millions of miles. You know where & when it happens. You don't? It's at 1pm at 88.1 fm on your radio dial (that's WMUL here in Huntington) archived later at like I always do.

Be there or you better be a million miles away, bub.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Whither A Million Miles?

A million is a lot of miles. It's also a lot of dollars, & tears, & dreams. But this week the concern is the million miles. Man! That's a lot of miles!

A million miles is more than a million kilometers, although it's important to point out that in a million miles there are more than a million kilometers. Whoa! I know! Didn't that make your head hurt? Ouch. I feel like watching television for three hours to calm my brain down. It's that flippin' trippy!

A million miles is so much that, unless you're an astronomer or are piloting a spacecraft, it's not a useful measure. So you probably use it as a metaphor, or a large number that expresses an impossible goal. It's nice & round. You could just as easily say "a million kilometers" (or, if you're in America, you could say "a million meters" or even "a million millimeters," because Americans have no idea what the Metric System means) but it doesn't roll off the tongue as nicely. Or how about "nine hundred ninety-seven million, three hundred ten thousand and seventeen miles"? Just as impossible to imagine, but good lord, it took me seven minutes to type that! Imagine how long it would take to say!

As usual, the police showed up at my door & made me listen to all their records & they said, "Do you have any more Honey Nut Cheerios?" I had to tell them my wife had eaten them all, but they still beat me senseless with their bras & panties. & then it was Bible reading. Oy gevalt! In any event, there's a court order about the show this week. You know how it goes.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Preface To A Million Miles: Cabin Fever

I know, I'm always quoting the Wikipedia around here (& by the way, some time between now & several months ago my browser, which spell-checks everything as I write it {so there's really no excuse when I misspell something}, decided that "Wikipedia" was not something misspelled) but here's what they say about cabin fever:

"Cabin fever is an idiomatic term for a claustrophobic reaction that takes place when a person or group is isolated &/or shut in, in a small space, with nothing to do, for an extended period (as in a simple country vacation cottage during a long rain or snow)."

Or in Huntington, West Virginia, when it snows for an entire week? Please note this isn't a real fever, like Rheumatic Fever or Dance Fever.

"Symptoms include restlessness, irritability, forgetfulness, laughter, & excessive sleeping, distrust of anyone they are with, & an urge to go outside even in the (less miserable) rain, snow or dark."

I haven't slept more than usual, but I can tell you, my dogs are plotting something. It's just in the way they TALK BEHIND MY BACK.

"Cabin fever can also be known as a term for a lack of sexual intercourse."

Ha ha ha. What?

"The phrase is also used humorously to indicate simple boredom from being home alone."


"An 1820 reference is to an actual fever, common in Ireland, resulting from eating watery potatoes during wet years."

Now that's more like it! Eating watery potatoes during wet years! You can't make that shit up. Or you can, & then put it in the cabin fever section of Wikipedia.

I'm not implying I have cabin fever. It's just still very snow-covered outside & I don't think I've left the house in four days. But I have plenty to do - I'm working on Self Help Radio for you!