Friday, December 12, 2008

One Final Thought About A Weekend Full Of Cold Medicine

Too much isn't a good thing.

Or: maybe I should've had that flu shot.

Remember! Tomorrow Self Help Radio presents my favorite electronic songs of the year! Happening in the afternoon at Listen if only to hear how fucked up my voice sounds!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

The Self Help Radio Email Archive Project: Submission Seven

Written for a young lady (not named Jane Jameson) in the spring of 1996. There's a sad story here, but I won't put it in here. Needless to say, I invented the "brain gophers" for her & this is the first time I've shared them with anyone but her. I hope she forgives me!


Denver, 1999. In the fairly civil Civil Engineering Lab of the famous Jane "Overpass" Jameson, sewage system designer to the stars, the Civil Engineer confronts Specula, leader of the Brain Gophers.

"What do you want?" says she. "Batteries not included."

"A cup of tea would be nice," Specula responds. Not even a little chagrined.

Pouring tea, Jane realizes that all these years just the hint of flowing liquid would make her have to go the bathroom. Even reading such a sentence, or a wonderful poem mentioning the lovely cascade of an elegant river, would trigger her urination fixation. She thinks she might need some sort of bladder control device, & thinks about designing one.

"Brain Gophers, despite what our name implies (& we didn't name ourselves, Ms. Jameson, our parents did)," says Specula, "don't need brains. We don't have brains. We certainly don't want human brains. We like to dig in them, it's true, but we'd rather have cake. Lots of it. With sticky candies on top. And a thin layer of candle wax & grime. And perhaps a little song."

Jane's ears perk up. "A bunny hop song?" says she.

"Of course not," Specula fumes. "A Brain Gopher song."

Jane consults her World Almanac. Nothing there about Brain Gophers. She watches a little TV. Still not a thing about Brain Gophers, not even on the Discovery Channel. She reads the complete work of Henry James, who, she realizes too late, actually just seemed to have a gopher up his ass, not in his brain. She comes back to find the Brain Gopher beating himself in a double-blind game of of Stratego.

"I have no song," she says, realizing the world is doomed & she made need to start packing, "but I have a rhyming couplet."

"Hit me," says Specula.

"Okay," says Jane. She clear her throat, which hasn't felt well since March of 1996, and intones:

"No one ever can begin to explain
Those pesky gophers of the brain
But we can use lemon juice on that stain."

"That's not a rhyming couplet!" the Brain Gopher snarls. "That's a rhyming triplet!"

"Would you like an overpass with that?" asks Jane.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Whither Gary's Favorite Electronica 2008?

Ah. cold medicine. How kind you are to those of us whose noses are rubbed red from incessant blowing! You have let me see, through the cotton & fuzz in my head, such winsome colors & marmalade skies. That is why I am proud that this week's Self Help Radio will be a tender & thorough explication, exploration & explanation of my friend the cold/sinus medication.

[Uh, Gary? No, no, it won't. - Ed.]

Who said that? Holy fuck me! Is the cold medicine talking to me again?

[No, Gary, it's me. Your editor. - Ed.]

Ed.? Ed.? Who's Ed.?

[Remember, fifteen years ago, when they pulled you out of a Bombay slum where your vacationing parents had left you with only a sign that read "Help Me - Victim Of Chernobyl"? I was part of the team who put your back together. We wanted to make you bigger, stronger, faster. We had the technology. Instead, we found you liked to do radio. I was asked to keep an eye on you & make sure you could string proper English words together in a sentence. - Ed.]

I don't remember any of that. Is it true?

[What's true is true if you think it's true, Gary. - Ed.]

I think I should up the dosage of my cold medicine!

[& I think you should make sure that this week's Self Help Radio is your pick of your favorite Electronica of 2008. - Ed.]

Favorite electric cold medication!

[We would have made so much more money off you if you had just let us replace your brain with a barrel of monkey. - Ed.]

Monkeys on cold medication!

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Preface To Gary's Favorite Electronica 2008: What's So Bad About Robots?

Warning: I am still cold-sick & am full of difficult medications. So before I tell you why robots will eventually enslave us & make us into no better than toasters for their sick fantasies, let me assure you that I am as lucid as the old mill stream. Or if I could put it in limerick form:

    There once was an inveterate drummer,
    Whose lack of teeth made him a gummer,
    Hoof & mouth disease
    Had killed all his fleas
    But they couldn't kill his neighborhood plumber.

I drifted off there for a second. What was I saying? Something about the nascent probability of orbital decay? That old party fluke? I never! Still, when it's balmy out, the medication makes me feel the strangest pure joy. I should like to blow my nose exclusively in the shower. We wait, don't we, for the many ways to bend & unbend.

Still not convinced? Exhibit R: robots! They may seem lovable now, but doesn't a knife seem nice until it's cutting your jugular? Could I say the same about scissors? & David Duchovny?

I trust you'll vouchsafe my godspeed as I away? Very well. Damn, this is good cold medicine.

Monday, December 08, 2008

I'm So Cold For You

It's true. Despite another wonderful Self Help Radio in the can - last week's Birthday Show is being celebrated by virtually everyone who ever had a birthday - which may explain why all the robots hate it - damn you robots! - as I was saying, despite being flush with triumph at making another show which is better than most of the other shows being made by anyone within a three hundred foot radius of me (you know, because I have a restraining order against all other deejays - which of course makes segues at the radio station very difficult), I caught a cold this weekend. It sucks.

It may not be simply a cold. It may be what savvy medicos are calling "a sinus infection." Wait? What's that? If it's a sinus infection I may need antibiotics. Antibiotics are heavily promoted by the wealthy & powerful Evolving Germs lobby. I hear that politicians pay to not go to their fundraisers. Anyway, I don't want to see a doctor, so I have been chewing on some kind of cold/flu/sinus medication & it's the daytime formula so I can't even sleep.

You know why my friends are telling me to do? They want me to snort salt water. I'm not kidding. They say it's an old-fashioned way of curing a cold. I imagine it's a new-fangled way to destroy the mucous lining in your sinus cavity. But what do I know? My head feelings like it's filled with cotton. But salt isn't a powder I will snort, sorry.

Wait! Stop reading this blog! I'm still infectious! Sorry! So sorry about that!