Saturday, March 27, 2010

Preface To Does It Matter?: Well, Does It? Does It Really Matter?

I had planned to write something snarky for this post like "No. No, it doesn't."

But the new record by The Secret History came out this week, & I can't stop listening to it.

So sometimes, you know, everything seems like it matters.

Friday, March 26, 2010

YOUR Secret Name! LEARN It Now!

Did you know you had a Secret Name?!? You DO! Shhhhh! It's SECRET!

How do you find out your Secret Name? You CAN'T! It's a SECRET! You can't just go around telling people a Secret! It stops being a Secret then. Then it becomes Common Knowledge! Yes, even if only TWO PEOPLE know it. There's no in-between!

Do you know who knows your SECRET NAME? Somebody does! If no one knew, it would not be a Secret! It would be UNKNOWN! Nobody knows that which is UNKNOWN! Once someone knows the Unknown, it become the KNOWN.

Right now your Secret Name is KNOWN but it's UNKNOWN to you. It's a SECRET! Furthermore, if the one person who KNOWS your Secret Name told you, then it would no longer be a SECRET. The two of you would know it, & it would therefore become Common Knowledge! OH NO! What happens then? Then YOU would have to KILL the person who told you your Secret Name!

But that's MURDER! It's absolutely NECESSARY if you want to keep your Secret Name a SECRET! But surely there's ANOTHER WAY!


MAKE UP your own Secret Name! Your own made-up Secret Name automatically TRUMPS any Secret Name you might have out there! Now you don't have to MURDER anyone! Unless you tell them your SECRET NAME!

Don't do that.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I Lost Consciousness For A Bit There

& when I awoke, there was an entire radio show finished. Which is funny. I've never blacked out during a radio show before.

You can explore with me what happened during those missing ninety minutes at It's a little weird - while I was unconscious, I did a radio show about unconsciousness.

I guess I'm glad I wasn't shot. I would've bled out trying to play songs about getting shot!

Monday, March 22, 2010

818 CE!

Okay, virtually nothing happened in 818 CE. (I do use the secular "CE" for "common era," rather than the front-loaded Christian nomenclature "AD," which stands for "Anno Domini," which is Latin for "In the year of the Lord," a reference to Jesus/God, not to Zeus, in which case I'd probably use it.)

Here's all it says on the Wikipedia page about 818: "Bishop Theodulf of Orléans is deposed & imprisoned, after becoming involved in a conspiracy of King Bernard of Italy against Louis the Pious." It was four years after the death of Charlemagne, so the confusion at the end of his reign was just beginning. The Crusades were nearly three centuries away.

Here's a map of the "Eastern Hemisphere" at the beginning of the 9th century. Here's a map of the same part of the world at the end of the 9th century. So a lot of shit would happen in the 9th century. Just not in 818 CE.

Here's a list of stuff that happened in the 9th century.

How about them Arctic Marine Mammal Hunters? Don't you think that that would be an awesome name for a band? How long do you think they'd be hollered at by people at PETA?

Hey! Fans of the Western Hemisphere! There weren't any kingdoms like in Asia or Europe, by the Maya & the Aztec were getting the party started right, & in North America there were the Mound Builders, still going strong.

Sorry if you were expecting more exciting news about 818 CE. Might you be excited that there's a new Self Help Radio tonight at midnight on 88.1 WMUL in Huntington? Or that it will be archived tomorrow at No?

You're hard to please.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Whither Unconsciousness?

What's the difference between the unconscious & the subconscious? That's simple. The unconscious is a theoretical (from Freudian "psychology") state wherein things which you've repressed (like childhood trauma, or wanting to have sex with your parents) are hidden. The subconscious is the state just below your conscious state, where things you know are stored & to which you have relatively easy access. Like, say, the address of a friend in another state to whom you've written a lot. You have to recall it when you're writing out the envelope - it's not always in the forefront of your mind.

"Unconscious" of course also means the state of not being conscious, & that's how Self Help Radio will use it this week, because we're not Freudians. The things that Freud said which could be experimented for their scientific validity were long ago proven untrue, & the things he said which couldn't be falsified are not scientific any way. Not that that bothers Freudians, of course. They like the ideas & will run with them, which is a very human thing to do. But I & everyone at Self Help Radio (which is basically only me) like science better.

This show, haters, is not my answer to critics who have called me a "blackout drunk." First of all, I have no critics, since that would require listeners, which I'm also pretty sure I don't have. Secondly, the only person who would even know about me being a "blackout drunk" is Drunk Gary, who I turn into when I drink. I don't remember anything Drunk Gary does & vice-versa, although he's begun leaving me nearly indecipherable notes on the computer before he goes to bed, like this one, which says, "yr kriks say yr a blakout drnk." But, as you can plainly see, what he writes makes absolutely no sense.