Friday, August 29, 2008

Interview with Mr. Impossible!

O boy o boy o boy o boy o boy!

Self Help Radio is going to be impossibly awesome this weekend because I have just found out that - hold on to your haunches - I'm going to get a visit from the legendary Mr. Impossible! Star of stage, screen & informercial, first into battle & the last one to leave the movie theater after the credits fade, hero, father of nine, singer, songwriter, dancer, sport-fisherman, painter, sculptor, poet, movie critic, did I say dancer?, business executive, doyen of international finance, Nobel Prize nominee, husband, part-time homemaker, Santa Claus for the poor, political arbitrator, conservationist, auto enthusiast & amateur photographer Mr. Mother Fucking Impossible will be on Self Help Radio!

Don't even ask me how I made this happen. I'll tell you, though. Mr. Impossible is in town to speak to at-risk youth about California & he was having a long liquid lunch at my favorite local sandbar, the Blather, & I of course noticed him - although he doesn't wear the cape when he's having lunch! - & I offered to buy him a drink. I was nervous, thinking everyone does that & also that he might think I was coming on to him. He said, "A drink? You can buy me lunch!"

Oh wow!

We talked - well, he did, mostly - about everything - well, mostly about him - & I told him I did this little podcast & he was like, "I love the new media! What does it pay?" I told him it didn't pay anything - not even attention - but he was such a trooper - he liked my show so much! - that he promised to stop by tonight if I made him dinner & bought him a case of Cold Duck!

As you can imagine, I'm nervous as a school kid on the first day of Home Economics class, but I'll get a fabulous interview out of him. It'll be awesome! Do listen tomorrow to Self Help Radio for a show full of impossibly great music as well as an interview with Mr. Impossible!

PS - are you doing anything Saturday night? Might I suggest a benefit for KVRX, Student Radio for the University of Texas? It certainly looks like fun, & it's a great cause!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Strengthening Gustav Heads For Jamaica

Why does the new Gustav want to go to Jamaica, anyway? You've heard his rants & raves about reggae - "It all sounds the same!" he'd bellow, banging his fist on the table like a Khrushchev wishing for a shoe. Hey! He doesn't like hot weather, either!

But he's changed. You've all seen it. He used to be a one-hundred & forty pound emo kid named Jack. He seemed to like it. & yet, as some of you recall, it was a couple of years ago, watching some "news report" on a "news channel" about a baseball player & his alleged steroid problem, your friend Jack turned the recorder on & watched the "before & after" pictures again & again. The last time you saw him like that, you'll recall, was when you got really stoned & watched "Atomic Cafe" with him, & he tried to build his own atom bomb, & he somehow imagined that, if he could get his lead gloves on some uranium, he could enrich it in a process he thought was like enriching white bread. "I'll add vitamins to the radioactive goo!" he'd shout, in-between muttering to himself & falling asleep watching an infomercial about night-blindness.

He changed his name after the steroid documentary, & he changed his life. Whether he got some or not, you don't know. "It vill be easier to get zan uranium!" he told you after drinking an entire bottle of Jagermeister on a dare, in that fake accent he's adopted since the name change. That was the last time any of you saw him until he emerged months later, weighing forty pounds more, all the extra pounds in the grotesque muscles, & missing a neck.

Speaking of drugs, he never much liked pot, either. So why Jamaica? As well, he's not terribly religious, but wasn't he raised Mormon? He'd have absolutely no interest whatsoever in Rastafarianism. It's a puzzler.

You have to admit, though, it's not like he's more likable as "Gustav" than he was as "Jack." Perhaps owing to the mysterious disappearance of his neck, Gustav doesn't talk as much as Jack. Gustav spends a lot of time paying attention to all the new things his body is doing, not complaining to anyone who'll listen why the Hollies are underrated or why Brian Wilson's return to music destroyed commercial rock in the 21st century. Gustav seems to coo a lot. Kissing his muscles. Stuff like that.

& since he doesn't drink, you don't have to worry about him haggling over a check. He's not more likable, but he is, you guess, more tolerable. But why go to Jamaica?

Oh. Oh damn. It's just a Reuters headline about a hurricane. Never mind.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Whither The Impossible Show?

What is & isn't impossible - which is to say, what is & isn't possible - is neither a simplistic dualistic demarcation nor a tritely glib adolescent conundrum. It is, actually, at the very core of an exciting new philosophical slash scientific movement, Impossible Physics.

What makes this different from, say, Science Fiction? Good question! Science Fiction as a genre is in fact possible - it already exists! Haven't you seen Star Trek? It's on the television like all the time! & did you know that people write a lot of Science Fiction books that never get made into movies? It's true! So Science Fiction is possible. It's also probable.

But Impossible Psychics does not exist. Not even my naming it as an "exciting new philosophical slash scientific movement" can make it exist. For one thing, I barely exist myself, so any pronouncement or discovery I make is negligible. I could cure cancer & simply by virtue of being me, it would hardly get noticed. Until, say, someone found the cure by accident & took credit for it. I might get to be a footnote then.

That's why I am the perfect spokesperson for Impossible Physics. I couldn't be less influential, I couldn't be more ignored. Impossible Physics has zero chance of existing as long as I am in charge of promoting it. Which, by the way, I'm not. Which can't help Impossible Physics at all!

By the way, I was just guessing up there - you know, using the fancy-pants language & saying stuff like, "a simplistic demarcation of philosophical conundrum." What a load of hoo-ha! See, Impossible Physics can't have a core because it doesn't exist! It can't exist! The moment it exists, it ceases to be Impossible, so it's never Impossible Physics!

Look, let me explain it to you. Wait, better yet, I'll do Saturday on my show. That's cool. Visit me there. I got a lot of splainin' to do.

I leave you with the new slogan of Self Help Radio: "Anything's Impossible!"

Monday, August 25, 2008

Cartography For Fun & Profit

ITEM! Stores in America are failing at a slightly humiliating rate! What does the future hold for future entrepreneurs of the future? How bearish can the market bear?

ITEM! Banks won't loan money to just anyone anymore! How will the homeless afford their McMansions now? Can Christopher Nolan's powerful Batman franchise save us?

ITEM! In spite of all the money he has raised, "Batman" is still unrecognizable to my computer's spell-check!

ITEM! I can't remember what I was talking about! Oh yes! The failing United States economy! Boy I'm glad I didn't quit my job when I thought I had to quit my job! I'd be working at one of those Starbucks that they're now closing down!

ITEM! Yes, I have no professional qualifications & would end up working at a coffee shop!

ITEM! But there's no need to panic! Let Self Help Radio panic for you!

ITEM! Yes, the "Panic" show of the Self Help Radio is available for listening to at this very moment! Four out of five dentists recommend it rather than toothpaste for listening to! & really, it's only because I just know four dentists! The fifth dentist didn't want to be my friend! What an asshole!

ITEM! To listen, just push the panic button! Help is on the way!