Friday, February 27, 2009

Your Thursday Treat At The Ass End Of Friday

Now, normally you get your Friday treat on Saturday with the week's Self Help Radio (which of course will drop sometime tomorrow afternoon & which will be all about every generation ever). & normally, a Thursday treat comes on a Thursday. But today I am forced to give you a Thursday treat on a Friday, defying all conventions of polite society & insulting all that is sacred & respectful to those who hold common courtesy dear.

Luckily, it's a good treat. There's a well-respected show on KVRX called The Afro Boogaloo Soul Revue which happened this week to be guest-hosted by my sometime therapist & all-time carpentry helper, Dick Dickenbock. He's proud of the show, which he managed to do despite having taken too many tylenol day-caplets & forced to sit next to a tall kid named Jason the entire time, so he asked if I could put it up for his mother & the rest of the world to hear. I did.

It's around the corner at Dick Dickenbock says, "You're welcome."

God I hate him sometimes.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Another Special Thursday Treat!


That's right! I had a terrific Thursday Treat (tm) for your sweet tooth (even the sweet tooth in your mind) - but only conceptually! It will take a little bit of time before it's actually prepared. It's like I invited you over for cake, but you got here at the right time only I just had a big bowl full of dough. & while I'm pretty sure you'd just eat the dough (& get salmonella), I can't afford to waste a few hours in the emergency room with you today.

I also can't afford to waste a few hours to (completing my metaphor) make your cake. Sorry! But it would have been a surprise, wouldn't it? You weren't expecting it, were you? Then why do I feel like apologizing? Because - I know you like cake.

I'll have it for you tomorrow. Just in time for the dentist on Monday. Okay, that metaphor has gone too far. Let me rephrase:

I'll have it for you tomorrow. Just in time for the therapist on Monday.

That's better!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Whither Generations?

No, I don't mean Star Trek: Generations. I would never do a radio show about that movie. The lighting on the main deck is so damn dark!

By the way, the IMDb score for that movie is 6.4. That's the same score for The Phantom Menace. Imagine! & Star Wars fans think that Star Trek fans are delusional!

Luckily, they now have to contend with Battlestar Galactica fans. Until the new Star Trek movie. Damn!

As for generations, look. We were once all part of the Pepsi Generation. Before that, I think we were part of the Coffee Generation. Now that we've finished Generations X, Y, XY, YY & Z, we need to take some stock. We need to add more letters to the alphabet. May I suggest dek, el, & doh? No one is using them for their little twelvetoes, so why can't we add them to the alphabet so we can have three more generations?

I know, we may not have many more generations, not at the rate you're drinking whiskey. Not at the speed you're driving. But isn't it just the way? The minute someone comes along, someone called Self Help Radio, & he or she or it (or she-it) decides to name & number & celebrate & commemorate the "generations" that came before, generations stop being generated. It makes me worry, you know, about all those reproducers out there. Did they save their receipts?

It's bad planning all around, frankly. Let's make sure it's badly executed!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Preface To Generations: Spontaneous!

From this page:

Spontaneous generation is an obsolete theory regarding the origin of life from inanimate matter, which held that this process was a commonplace & everyday occurrence. The theory was synthesized by Aristotle; it held sway for two millennia. It is generally accepted to have been ultimately disproven in the 19th Century by the experiments of Louis Pasteur, expanding upon the experiments of other scientists before him. Ultimately, it was succeeded by germ theory & cell theory.

The disproof of ongoing spontaneous generation is no longer controversial, now that the life cycles of maggots & other pests have been well documented. However, the question of abiogenesis, how living things originally arose from non-living material, remains relevant today.

The show this week has nothing to do with this kind of generation, unless someone is planning on calling a group of people born around the same time in the same cultural milieu the "spontaneous generation," which they probably shouldn't.

Instead, I am reminded of a story about a kid who went to my elementary school named Chuck who remained forever infamous (until he disappeared some time in the fifth grade) because he happened to be called "Chuck" when we as second graders had discovered the word "upchuck," a euphemism for vomiting that would later be superseded by the Valley Girl/Simpsons-approved "hurl." Anyway, whenever our teacher Mrs Chumley would say the word "up," those of us too precious for our own good would say, as fast as possible, "chuck." Chumley shut us down after about five minutes of this nonsense, but the boy Chuck showed up around the same time, so we took to muttering "up" to ourselves whenever she called on Chuck.

Chuck looked like he stepped out of a fifties sitcom, but poorer & dirtier. Even though I was probably equally poor, I wasn't unbelievably dumb & didn't sound like a redneck, which, unfortunately for Chuck, he did, & since I sounded more middle class than he did (& was probably also cleaner), I was spared the sort of ridicule Chuck got.

One day, sitting outside school for some reason, I noticed a dead squirrel in the bushes covered in flies & other bugs, & was doing what kids do, picking at it with a stick, when Chuck walked by, noticed me just staring there, & came to look at what I was looking at, like kids do. In probably the first (& last) words he ever spoke to me, he said, "That's how they're made." I said, "What?" He said, "Bugs. Bugs come from dead things." I said, "Bugs lay eggs." He said, "They do?" I said, "Sure." He said, "I thought dead things died & then bugs came from inside-a them." I said, "I think bugs lay eggs."

So Aristotle was alive & well in Garland, Texas, in 1975. As a side note, I wonder if Chuck has ever had any reason to write or think about that time in his life, let alone some fat kid he once saw poking around a dead squirrel. Probably not.

Monday, February 23, 2009

The Lack Of Sleep Produces Dreamless Monsters

Do I mention you can listen to last week's Self Help Radio, which is about hospitals & also about ninety minutes long, in the regular place? Did I mention it's mandatory? Oh, & it's not a substitute for real treatment. Jesus, see your doctor already.

Should I mention I'll be subbing for the show the Afro Boogaloo Soul Revue tonight on 91.7 fm KVRX? I've been told it's a good Christian show with plenty of family values. That's a good fit for me, I believe.

Can I make a bunch of excuses for the lameness of the upcoming posts, & also say that the uninspired nature of the ones that precede this have also been affected by whatever I choose to blame on them? Will you ever forgive me? What did I ever do to you? As you get older, you get more scary. Not necessary more ugly or anything silly like that, but definitely more scary.

Ought I continue along in this manner? It's a little too precious, or insulting, or ignorant, isn't it. I completely concur. Also I disagree. This is what you get from me? Cancel your subscription! Just don't walk away mad. My love.