On The Off Chance

Does anyone ever really find love at the Consumer Design Expo? Even now, in what many have called the 21st century? Our man on the street, Dodger Rails, filed this report:

Thank you, Grimace. The 47th Annual Contumely Design Expo has risen from the ashes of the 22nd Bi-Annual Snake & Knife Show here at the Metropolitan Deranged Civic Center & what a crowd has turned out then turned away today! While the doors opened at 8am, to the dulcet tunes of power-rock band Kansas & their "Dumps In The Wind," retailers' alarm clocks were not set properly for Daylight Savings Time & they arrived late en masse to find confused visitors setting fire to their empty booths. By the time the National Guard arrived, there was nothing more to burn, so the National Guard set themselves on fire. Mayor Charles Clueless spoke briefly to reporters outside his Hairless McMansion:

We express our condolences & deepest prayers to the men & women who were so bravely lost on this, the nightmarish misunderstanding of consequence, & we encourage those who were not able to commit arson today to please return to the new, improved Expo tomorrow or possibly Thursday once the police tape is removed.

But what of the recession-hit people who paid to park in this smoldering parking lot? What happens to them? Their children? Their pensions & pet insurance?

I guess I'm sad, I've always wanted to see the new designs of the new-fangled consumer, but I was stuck in traffic listening to drive-time radio, so I wouldn't have been able to attend anyway. Now can I have my dog back, kind sir?

Reporting somewhat live from outside the ruins of the city gates, this is Codger Nails for High Tone News. Back to you, Grimley.

Last Night's Trip To Outer Space

Yes! Self Help Radio's show about astronauts (astronauts!) is now available online for your cosmic listening pleasure!

Oh, were you not as excited about it as I am? Sorry about that.

Still, if you'd like to enjoy it, it's there for you to enjoy. The show is waiting for you at Mission Control which is self help radio dot net. The show is ninety minutes long, & it's in two mp3s of somewhat equivalent length, part one & part two. The playlist is below. Enjoy!

(part one)
"Apollo XI" Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark _Sugar Tax_
"Chicken Astronaut" Five Du-Tones _Shakin' Fit_
"Masked Astronaut" The Jet Black Berries _Sundown On Venus_
"Why Go Up There" Tom Glazer & Dottie Evans _Space Songs_

"Space Oddity" Langley Schools Music Project _Innocence & Despair_
"Rocket Man" Fastbacks _Super Fantastic Mega Smash Hits!_
"Flash Bazbo, Space Explorer" National Lampoon _Buy This Box Or We'll Shoot This Dog: The Best Of The National Lampoon Radio Hour_
"Spaceman" Harry Nilsson _Son Of Schmilsson_
"Cosmonaut" Riff Raff _The Chiswick Story_

"Astronaut" Versus _Dead Leaves_
"Astronauts" Desk _Astronauts 7"_

(part two)
"The Astronauts" Wan Light _Labrador 100: A Complete History of Popular Music_
"I Am An Astronaut" Snow Patrol _Colours Are Brighter_
"Son Of An Astronaut" Butterflies _Butterflies_
"When I'm An Astronaut" Louis Philippe _Appointment With Venus_

"Ghosts Of American Astronauts" Mekons _So Good It Hurts_
"My Cosmonaut" Three Finger Cowboy _Kissed_
"Flash Bazbo, Space Explorer: Chapter 219" National Lampoon _Buy This Box Or We'll Shoot This Dog: The Best Of The National Lampoon Radio Hour_
"Space Race" Luke Vibert _Big Soup_
"Alan Bean" Hefner _Dead Media_

"A Day In Space" Ballboy _Club Anthems_

Next week's show is about rebels & rebellion. Is there something you want to hear? You can always write an email with requests &/or suggestions!

A Radio Show In Outer Space

Mission Control, this is Self Help Radio, prepared for take-off. Over.

That's right, Self Help Radio will be exploring astronauts tonight as it returns after a week's vacation, & we're hoping for clear skies over Cape Canaveral & a straight shot into the ether. That'll be midnight tonight, only on 88.1 fm in the town of Lexington, but you can track the flight anywhere in the world on the WRFL website in real time. Mission logs will be available for download tomorrow on self help radio dot net.

Is it easy to get drunk in zero gravity?

Whither Astronauts?

Lots of people - not enough, but a lot - make requests for themes for me to explore on the show. I might have previously complained about the more obvious themes people have suggested - songs about rain or cars or nouns - but I can't find a blog entry grumbling about it so I must have done it in private with you. Don't you remember?

For this week's show, the idea came a while back - maybe as far back as three years. My friend Leah, who works at KOOP Radio, & also does a fabulous show called Hip Hop Hooray, suggested that I do an astronaut show at some point before I left - & I left KOOP in 2008 - & I filed the idea away. It took a long time to make it from idear to radio show, but then again, look how long it took to get humans on the moon!

I also think that it's fun that I just visited with Leah in Austin this past week, & I'm about to do the show she requested. It's coincidental, I promise.

So the show is dedicated to Leah, who is, as far as I know, not an astronaut. But I wouldn't be surprised to discover otherwise!

Preface To Astronauts: First Deejay In Space!

An astronaut (from the Greek "astro," for star, & "naut," for sailor) is simply a person who has tried to sail the stars.

You may be surprised to know that over five hundred people have traveled in space. But only 24 have traveled beyond what is called "low Earth orbit," or beyond 100 - 1,240 miles above the Earth's surface. No one from Earth (that we can verify, anyway) has gone farther than the moon.

"Astronaut" & "cosmonaut" are synonyms. Some might disagree, saying that one is a capitalist & the other a communist. That seems so 1980s. Isn't everyone a capitalist now? Even the communists? I thought so.

Plans for a giant dance floor in space have so far not come to fruition, despite the advent of astronauts not trained by governments. Those astronauts are both capitalist & better-paid (probably) (who knows) (I don't really know) than government astronauts. That last sentence, I ought to really just delete it, because I made an assertion that just sort of spewed out my head onto this blog & didn't even make any sense when I wrote it. But having spent all this time - & three parenthetical expressions - talking about it, it seems weird to just give up on it. Kind of like the Space Program.

There are lots of space programs. I don't mean on the television. (There don't seem to be many of those being newly made these days.) I mean run by governments. Here's a colorful list. I hope more people get to go into space, but I'm not sure I'll be one of them.

I'd be scared of transporters, anyway.