Whither On My Mind?

You know who was on my mind all day yesterday?  My friend Suloni, who had a birthday on that very day.  She is the person who designed the Self Help Radio bear & whose art you can look at at her web page.  Please do!

What's on my mind today is of course my radio show, which happens today, & I wish it was on yours, because then I wouldn't have to remind you that it's on from 4 to 6pm.  You can listen to it (if I've now put it in your mind) on 88.1 fm in Lexington & its surrounding horse farms or online at wrfl.fm.

I'll understand if the stuff that's on my mind is not on yours.  You should consider yourself lucky!  It's hard having to try to sort through all the different versions of the Legion Of Super Heroes!

Preface To On My Mind: What's Actually In My Mind?

Should I talk tomorrow about the nuts & bolts of the human brain?  In other words: how can we know what's on one's mind if we don't know what's in one's mind?

Well, here you go!

Perhaps I'll discuss it tomorrow.  Just remember that you until the show, you're on my mind!

I Don't Understand This At All

You've seen these ads:

They're for a website called "lowermybills.com" & there's a discussion about whether they're legit or a scam here.  (I didn't read through it because I don't think I'd go to a ubiquitous web advertising company to help me financially.)  (Which is my way of saying, if it isn't a scam, why would a company go to such lengths to make it seem like a scam?)

No, what I don't get is the image with the ad.  Have you seen these?  What the hell does that unflattering picture of an older gentleman with rosacea have to do with auto insurance?

I searched the Google for their ads - people have noticed them before, of course - but no one seems to know just why the company picks these pictures, except perhaps to make people say, "What the hell?"  My favorite is what some blog called "the homeless Jesus guy":

Someone involved with the company has got to be picking these images to put into web ads.  Is it perhaps the interns?  Some sociopath the company can't fire because he/she is related to the CEO of Experian (Business Week tells me that's who runs lowermybills.com)?  Is there an ironic hipster working in the ad department?

If only Mad Men could last until we find out a very old, senile Don Draper is responsible for this!

Boston

It's been over twenty-four hours & I'm still messed up about what happened with Boston.  I have nothing but the most fervent hope that those who are injured get well & that whatever psychopath or -paths responsible get their just desserts post haste.

But I wish people would stop saying "we're praying for the victims" or "keeping the people there in our prayers."  Why?  Hannibal Buress put it far better than I could:



So I can hope there's resolution & that everyone will be all right, & I can trust in humans to take care of each other in this crisis, & I can try to believe our police forces & government are competent enough to bring whoever did this to justice.  But prayer?  I simply don't understand how that's in any way a consolation.

Quickshow

Quick!  A show about quick!

Quick!  It's now at the Self Help Radio website!  The shows I played are also listed below.  If you need to listen quick, click here for part one & here for part two!

The show is a two-hour long quickie!

Thanks for listening quickly!

(part one)

"Quick!" The Magnetic Fields _Love At The Bottom Of The Sea_
"Quickly & Quietly" Boat _Songs That You Might Not Like_
"Quick, Painless & Easy" Ivy _Apartment Life_

"Quicksilver" Elton Britt & Rosalie Allen _Country USA 1950_
"Get Rich Quick" Little Richard _Ham Hocks & Cornbread_
"Quick Change Artist" Soul Twins _The Golden Torch Story_
"Quickie" George Clinton _Greatest Hits_
"Quick Before They Catch Us" Klaus & Gibson Paddy _The Avengers & Other Top Sixties TV Themes_

"Quicksand" Don Schroeder _Teen Town U.S.A. Vol. 10_
"Quicksand" Martha & The Vandellas _The Complete Motown Singles: 1963_
"Quicksand" Hellfire Sermons _Hymns, Ancient & Modern (1988 - 1993)_
"Quicksand (demo)" David Bowie _Hunky Dory_

"A Quick Note About The Olympics" Stephen Colbert _I Am America (& So Can You!)_
"You Sold Me Quickly" Robert Pollard _Lord Of The Birdcage_
"Stepping Off Too Quick" Wire _Behind The Curtain_
"The Dead Only Quickly (feat. Neil Hannon)" The 6ths _Hyacinths & Thistles_
"New Way (Quick Wash & Brush Up With Liberation Theology)" Big Flame _Rigour (1983-1986)_

(part two)

"A Quick One, While He's Away" The Who _BBC Sessions_
"Quick & To The Pointless" Queens Of The Stone Age _Rated R_

"Kiss Me Quick" Georgia Yellow Hammers _Serenade In The Mountains: Early Old-Time Music On Record_
"Kiss Me Quick" Eilert Pilarm _Greatest Hits_
"Kiss Me Quick" Sparks _Pulling Rabbits Out Of A Hat_
"Love Comes Quickly" Memphis _I Dreamed We Fell Apart_

"Quick Joey Small" The Cramps _How To Make A Monster_
"Quick Step" The Adverts _The Wonders Don't Care_
"Quick, Before It Melts" Cinerama _Torino_
"Quick As Rainbows" Kitchens Of Distinction _Capsule (The Best Of Kitchens Of Distinction 1988 - 1994)_

"Quick As White" Kasai Allstars _Congotronics 3: Kasai Allstars_
"PRS Yearbook - Quick The Drawbridge" Half Man Half Biscuit _Voyage To The Bottom Of The Road_

Whither Quick?

A quick show today -
Though it will last two hours -
Let's hope time will fly!

Hey! Wait a second!
Why am I writing haiku
Instead of plain prose?

I wonder if I
Contracted that foul disease
Called pretentiousness?

'Cause what I'm writing
Shares nothing in common with
Haiku poetry:

Pithy descriptions
Wisdom & truth from nature
Clear, simple beauty

Just five syllables
& then seven syllables
& lastly five more.

There's no haiku on
Today's Self Help Radio
Just songs about "quick."

Please listen today!
Four to six in Lexington!
Also: anywhere!

Rats!  I cannot fit
RFL's web address in
The haiku framework.

So it's here: wrfl.fm

Also I should mention it's 88.1 fm on the Lexington radio dial.

Four to six in the afternoon Eastern time.

& there are people who love haiku who now want to beat me up.

Preface To Quick: Slow Slow Quick Quick Slow

Most of the time I have no idea what or why or where I came up with what happens on Self Help Radio.  The process seems to begin with something like an insight - hey! I should do a Self Help Radio show about rabies! - & if that insight is remembered - most of them aren't - then the next step is to create a folder in a folder on my desktop on my computer with the name of the theme.

The folder in which I keep the folders in which the songs I might play for any giving them is called "extras."  It makes no sense why it's called that - why not call it "self help radio theme ideas"? - but now I know that's where I put ideas & that's where I'll find them.

In each idea folder is a BBEdit file where I write down song ideas.  Sometimes, when I'm away from my computer, I'll email ideas to myself, often without context, so I might get an email with the subject line "asshead" (I'm not very nice to myself in my emails) & the body will just say, "Stupid Rabies Song by the Cranberries."

If I am not feeling well, emails like that will totally screw me up.

Sometimes people send ideas to my email address or even to my Twitter account & I decide whether I can pull such a show off.  Like one person might suggest a show about rabies.  How many songs are there about rabies?  Besides that stupid one by the Cranberries?  Not a lot, I'll tell you.

It can be disappointing, asking me to do a theme.  I probably shouldn't solicit.

Anyway, that being said, I know exactly where I got the idea for the theme to this week's show.  It's from this song:



You might think to yourself, "Why am I reading this blog?"  If you're not thinking that, you might be thinking, "That song is called Floorshow.  What does it have to do with anything quick?"

Let me tell you: in the middle of the song (& again at the end), the lyrics go something like:

See them shimmy, see them go
See their painted faces glow
Slow slow quick quick slow
See those pagans go go go go go!

I like the way Andrew Eldritch (real name Andrew Taylor, of course) says "slow slow quick quick slow."  Thinking a slow show might be too easy, I opted for a quick show.

It wasn't all that hard, though.

Stumbler, Into Quickstone

Quicksilver is another name for the element mercury, which is silver & I assume is also quick.  It's also the name of a Marvel Comics super-hero who has super-speed powers.  There are a lot of speedster super heroes.  Don't get me started.

Quicklime is another name for lime.  For those of us who like to add an extra syllable to a word to draw out interesting conversations about lime.

Quick bread is two words but it should be one.  Let's make it one.

Quickbread is a bread made with a leavening agent so that it bakes quickly.

Quick-freeze (look, it needs the dash) is a process by which food is very rapidly frozen, to preserve freshness, or also perhaps to kill the demons that live inside all processed food.  Look it up.

Quick-witted is a word no one's ever used to describe me.

Quickgrass, the dictionary tells me, is "the couch grass, Agropyron repens."  Couch grass?  The couch is one of the places I am the least quick!

Quicktime is a rate of marching - seriously? - yeah! - 120 thirty-inch paces a minute!  (It's also something I use to watch movie files on my computer, but that doesn't march or anything.)

There are others, too.  Under "quick" in the dictionary.  But there's no "quickstone."  I just made that up.  I couldn't help myself!  I wish you'd start using it too, especially online, like on Tweeter or something.  Something like, "Only buy a house with a good quickstone base!"  Or, "Lava formations in this area resulted in massive areas covered by quickstone."

Just so a snooty geologist can sniff at you & say, "There's no such thing as quickstone."

You can laugh in his face!

Spring!

Spring has finally arrived in Lexington.  I know this because the insects have returned.  Did you know?  In places where there's winter, the insects mostly go away for the cold season.  I understand that, if you live in a place where there's heat, like an apartment building, insects might still be active, staying like you where it's warm & crawling all over you at night.  But my wife is very cheap so our house is pretty chilly during the frozen months, & insects find no safe haven here.

You might ask, as the folks at the Smithsonian have, where do insects go in the winter?  If you did ask, like I did, there's a web page that tells you.  It will teach you a word that I didn't know existed.  That word is "overwinter."  Not as in, "I am so over winter."  Which I was.  Snow in March?  What the hell?  No, "overwinter" means "to pass, spend, or survive the winter."  The site has subheadings like "Overwintering As Eggs" & "Overwintering As Pupae" but an online dictionary uses the word for humans, as in "to overwinter on the Riveria."

I talked to someone in Minneapolis today & she said they're expecting snow there this week.  Snow!  In April!  She said they don't expect spring until May.  In Austin, spring gave the city two or three gloriously mild weeks usually in March, although during my time there I adamantly refused to turn on the air conditioner till May, with many sweaty April nights.  The snow does not appear to be coming close to Kentucky, but it'll still drop temperatures at the end of the week to the 50s.  (It was in the 80s today.  Glorious!)

Yes, spring.  People had their shirts off & were wearing shorts today where only a couple or three weeks ago there was snow on the ground.  It has certainly changed my attitude.  For example, I am no longer daily searching online for information about mental illnesses.

Ducks

I did a radio show about ducks.  During the course of the show I played a lot of children's records & then talked about duck rape.  I have no idea what's wrong with me.

You can listen to the show now at the Self Help Radio page on the web.  The songs I played on the show are listed below.  It also turns out you can listen to the show directly from this "note."  What?  It's true!  You can listen to part one here & you can listen to part two here.  That's just ducky.

Thanks for quack quack quack!

(part one)

"Duck Soup (Opening Credits) (music by John Leipold)" The Marx Brothers _The Marx Brothers Sing & Play_
"The Duck" The Hi-Los _From Latin... To Jazz Dance: Rare Tunes Chapter One_
"The Duck" Jackie Lee _The Duck_
"The Duck" Willie Hutch _The Willie Hutch Story_

"The Ugly Duckling" Danny Kaye _Hello Children... Everywhere!_
"Little White Duck" The ABC Children's Chorus _Songs For Children By Children_
"The Duck & The Rooster" Tom T. Hall _Country Songs For Children_
"Daffy Duck's Feathered Friend" Mel Blanc _Daffy Duck's Feathered Friend_

"Disco Duck, Pt. 1" Rick Dees & His Cast Of Idiots _The Original Disco Duck_
"Be Like A Duck" Keith Boynton _Philadelphia Chickens (Sandra Boynton's Imaginary Musical Revue)_
"Rubber Duckie" Sesame Street _Sesame Street Silver: The Tenth Anniversary Album_
"Holding Hands, Feeding Ducks" The Brunettes _Holding Hands, Feeding Ducks_
"The Little Duck" Robbert Bobbert & The Bubble Machine _Robbert Bobbert & The Bubble Machine_

"Duck People Duck Man" Megapuss _Surfing_
"Duckrog" Von Sudenfed _Tromatic Reflexxions_

(part two)

"Crispy Duck" Yo La Tengo _Ride The Tiger_
"Flying Duck Theory" The Vibrators _V2_
"Fuzzy Duck" Go-Kart Mozart _Tearing Up The Album Chart_

"The Duck Song" Bryant Oden _The Duck Song (The Duck & The Lemonade Stand)_
"Hey Little Ducky" Sonny James _Young Love: The Complete Recordings 1952 - 1962_
"Lord Love A Duck" Gerald Smith _The Georgia Quackerjack_
"$60 Duck" Lewie Wickham _$60 Duck_
"The Duck Egg Walk" Milford Perkins _Do You Know The Difference Between Big Wood & Brush? The American Song-Poem Anthology_

"Duck's Yas Yas Yas" The Three Peppers _1937 - 1940_
"Ducks Are Only Interested in An Area Man's Bread" Onion Radio News _Onion Radio News_
"Duck Pond" The Telephone Company _The King's Surprise?_
"Ducks" King Of Cats _Indietracks 2009: An Indiepop Compilation_
"Peanut Duck" Marsha Gee _One Kiss Can Lead To Another: Girl Group Sounds Lost & Found_

"Duck, You Sucker" Ennio Morricone _The Ennio Morricone Anthology: A Fistful Of Film Music_
"Bert The Turtle (The Duck & Cover Song)" Dick "Two Ton" Baker _Atomic Platters_
"Duck For The Oyster" Malcolm McLaren _Duck Rock_

Why A Duck?

Shouldn't it be "whither ducks"?  Not if you've seen the Cocoanuts, it shouldn't!

Hey!  Self Help Radio's show about ducks is on the air in ten minutes!  Quack quack!  88.1 fm in Lexington!  WRFL dot FM on the web!  Quack quack quack!  4 to 6 pm!  Quack!

You Know You Wanna See

The most beautiful ducks in the world.

Click on it.  Here's a taste, duck lover:

Ducks In The News!

Completely coincidentally with my doing a show about ducks, controversy happens!

Media attacks duck genitalia research!

Yeah, some enterprising right-wing blogger was looking for examples of government waste, & this is all he could come up with?  They don't appear to be trying very hard!  Maybe some scientist getting four hundred grand (which isn't a lot of research money at all) to study ducks seems outrageous to some.  I live with a scientist.  I hear a lot weirder stuff.

& hey!  Am I the only one who now has the image of both Donald Duck & Daffy Duck as a horrible rapists?

Jazz Records With Punny Titles

That's something I like.  I'm listening to songs about ducks (not that that's weird or anything) (it's for this week's show!) & there's a song called "The Duck" on this record:

Not only is that an awesome album cover - I'd kind of like to hang out with a bunch of colorful tropical birds & maybe even a guitar - but it's a fun pun.  Donald Byrd also took advantage of his last name for punny purposes, like so:

You would find this even among the most revered of jazz musicians.  You have probably heard of the albums Miles Ahead & Blue Train (Coltrane loved to pun the last syllable of his last name in song titles, too).  I don't keep up with newer jazz releases much, but I bet they still do this.

& I like it!

Milk

Talking about milking a theme for all it's worth!  Or maybe not - well.  No use crying over spilt milk.  Hey!  Are those the only clichés about milk out there?  Maybe I should make a new one, like: this show met the milk before it curdled!  Or maybe: it's better to shower in milk than gargle in wine!  Here's another: don't drink too much milk you will be more likely to fracture your bones!

Whatever the case, here's a show that will momentarily assuage your stomach ulcer but will cause more problems in the end: Self Help Radio's show about milk.  You can listen to it on the Self Help Radio website or if you don't want to have to go there & perhaps scroll down a bit, you can access the show files (it's in two parts) here (part one) & here (part two).  The songs played in each part are below.

I think the last time I ate a bowl of cereal with real milk in it, I got a little sick.  So be careful with this show - you may be lactose intolerant!

(part one)

"How Does A Cow Make Milk?" Marais & Miranda _More Nature Songs_
"Show Me How (You Milk The Cow)" Louis Jordan _Louis Jordan & His Tympany Five, Volume 5: 1949-1950_
"Milk Rock" Takako Minekawa _Cloudy Cloud Calculator_

"Milk Cow Blues" Johnnie Lee Wills _The History Of Country & Western Music Vol. 8 (1941)_
"What's The Matter With My Milk Cow?" Casey Bill Weldon _Vol. 1, 1935-1936_
"Malted Milk" Robert Johnson _The Complete Recordings_
"Milk & Water" Amos Milburn _The Best Of Amos Milburn: Down The Road Apiece_
"Sour Milk Cow Blues" Elvis Costello _Goodbye Cruel World_

"My Very Good Friend The Milkman" Fats Waller _1935, Vol. 2_
"The Milkman" The Nits _Les Nuits_
"The Sad Milkman" Sally Timms _Cowboy Sally's Twilight Laments For Lost Buckaroos_
"The Milkman Of Human Kindness" Billy Bragg _Life's A Riot With Spy Vs. Spy_
"Milk Man" Deerhoof _Milk Man_

"Brötchen & Milch (No Milk Today)" Four Kings _Pop In Germany, Vol. 1_

(part two)

"Milch Von Der Cocosnuss" Caterina Valente _Mit 1000 Träumen Durch Die Zeit_
"Chocolate Milk" The Two Man Gentlemen Band _¡Dos Amigos, Una Fiesta!_
"Pizza & Chocolate Milk" The Terrible Twos _If You Ever See An Owl..._
"Buttermilk" Shelley Berman _Inside Shelley Berman_
"Buttermilk Baby" Merrill E Moore _Western Dance, Vol. 1_

"Safe As Milk (Take 12)" Captain Beefheart _Safe As Milk_
"I Drink Milk" Teen Idles _Flex Your Head_
"Milk Maid" Milky Wimpshake _Popshaped_
"Whistling Thru Milk" The Wibbley Brothers _Go Weird_

"Drinking Milk Again" Appendix Out _Beikoku-Ongaku # 13_
"This Land Flows With Milk" Isobel Campbell _Amorino_
"Milk & Honey" The Monochrome Set _The Best Of The Monochrome Set_

"Milkshake Mademoiselle" Jerry Lee Lewis _Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin On: The Very Best Of Jerry Lee Lewis_
"Milkshake" Poseur _Beat Party!_
"Milkshake" Yuck _Yuck_

Whither Milk?

Eeek!  It's about to happen!  Where did the time go!

Self Help Radio is on the air today from 4 to 6pm with a show about milk.  Lactose tolerant, y'all!

88.1 fm in Lexington, wrfl.fm elsewhere.

I hope the show doesn't make you farty!

Preface To Milk: Is Cow Milk Good For Humans?

It seems to me like the only folks who say so these days are the people who make money from the industry.

Debunking the milk myth

Why milk is bad for you

Six reasons you should avoid dairy at all costs

Those are the first three articles that came up on a Google search.

I stopped eating dairy products because of the way the animals are treated - especially with all the antibiotics they give them - it was a natural step after stopping eating animals.  But it's nice to know that one of the consequences is that it's healthy to do so.

I always liked the sentence: "Cow milk is good for you - if you're a calf."

Milk Commercials

I have always been a little baffled by the longevity - which I suppose means success - of the whole "Got Milk?" ad campaign.  At best it's stupid - oh dear here are some beloved celebrities who don't know how to drink properly - at worst it looks like someone just came all over someone's upper lip.  It's a little gross.

The Japanese have a better idea (& that's a sentence I don't normally say):

Tuesday's Question

On Monday, the Howlin' Brothers showed up to WRFL (I happened to be there) & they played an amazing thirty minute set live on air & they were amazing & it was tons of fun.  It reminded me of my time in Austin & meeting musicians who came down to SXSW & played not just their "showcase" but as many times as anyone would have them.  I love that about musicians - real musicians - they just want to play music.  Anytime, anywhere.

But - network morning shows?

I was up early & flipping the channels for some reason & some commercial country act was playing live on one of the network morning shows.  It was around 8am.  What the hell?  What the fuck?  Who wants to hear - well, forget that it was some horrible commercial country act - but who thinks to him or herself, "Wow, I've just woken up & my first cup of coffee is kicking in - hey! I could use some live music in a New York television studio!"

Answer: no one ever.

& let's not forget the musicians.  They may drive up to a college/community radio station at 1pm to play music, but 8am?  Forget it.  They were out till 4am.  Doing what they love.  But what they love does not translate to 8am anywhere.  Right?  Surely?

Commercial radio robots need not apply.  They're programmed to obey their masters whenever.

I had a question but I think I asked & answered.  I'll leave you with an indie rock related anecdote.

I was somehow made the point person for a band coming to RFL one afternoon to play live.  They were supposed to show up at 2pm but I got a call from their manager that they might be running late.  The reason?  He said, "Breakfast ran long."

I said, "It's 2pm.  We call that lunch."

He said, "Musicians."

Tomorrow

I meant to put this up yesterday, but didn't get around to it today.  I wasn't procrastinating; it's just that it seemed like I had some time between today & tomorrow to get it done.  When I finally did, it wasn't even tomorrow - it was still today.  Which seems a shame.  Because a show about tomorrow belongs in a place called tomorrow.

The show theme was a special request & I hope the requester enjoyed the show.  She (& you) can listen to it now at Self Help Radio's irritating presence on the web.  Or!  If you want to listen to it directly!  Part one is here & part two is here!  There's a list of the songs played on the show below.

Don't worry if you can't listen today - the show will still be there tomorrow.

(part one)

"Science Of Tomorrow" Attileo Mineo _Man In Space With Sounds_
"Stepping Into Tomorrow" Donald Byrd _Stepping Into Tomorrow_

"Tomorrow" The Three O'Clock _Sixteen Tambourines/Baroque Hoedown_
"Tomorrow" Happydeadmen _You Thought It Was The End Of The World When The Rain Ruined Your Hair_
"Tomorrow" James _Whiplash_
"Tomorrow" The Concretes _In Colour_

"Tomorrow" Me First & The Gimme Gimmes _Are A Drag_
"Tomorrow" Morrissey _Your Arsenal_
"Tomorrow's Just Another Day" Madness _Total Madness_
"When Tomorrow Comes" Eurythmics _Revenge_
"Tomorrow Will Be Better Than Today" Bart & Friends _Stories With The Endings Changed_

"All Tomorrows Parties" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _Kicking Against The Pricks_

(part two)
"Why Do Today What You Can Put Off Until Tomorrow?" Pelle Carlberg _In A Nutshell_
"Tomorrow Never Comes" Club 8 _The Friend I Once Had_
"Tomorrow Comes Today" Gorillaz _Gorillaz_

"Tomorrow Never Knows" The Chameleons _Strange Times_
"No Tomorrow" The Boyfriends _The Boyfriends_
"The Day Before Tomorrow" BMX Bandits _The 53rd & 3rd Years_

"Will You Love Me Tomorrow" The Shapiros _The Shapiros_
"With Tomorrow" This Mortal Coil _Blood_
"This Time Tomorrow" The Kinks _Lola Versus Powerman & The Money-Go-Round_
"Tomorrow Night" Shoes _Shoes' Best_
"Today Will Be Yesterday Tomorrow" Big Hello _Apple Album_

"Look Out, Here Comes Tomorrow" Bikeride _Ocean Park Paradox_
"Here Today, Gone Tomorrow" Tony Blackburn _Is There Another Way To Love You?_
"Wonder What I'll Do Tomorrow" Dislocation Dance _Music Music Music/Slip That Disc!_