Learn Those Minced Oaths!

You do not want to offend nor profane nor blaspheme. Oaths may find their way up up up to the Lord's ears. Learn instead to mince your oaths for the sanctity of your soul.

Say "begorrah" instead of "by God!" & "bejabbers" instead of "by Jesus." Other replacements for "by God!" are "by George," "by gum," "by gosh" (boring), "by golly," & "by Jove!"

If you must damn someone in the place of our Lord's more acceptable damnation, you can avoid saying "God damn" or "God damn it" by saying "Dad gum!" or "Dagnabbit!" "Doggone!" is also an acceptable "Goddamn!" Someone you just damned could be "gosh darned." Say "dang" or "darn" to fool the omniscient Creator of the Universe, & feel free to refer to the state of damnation as "tarnation."

If you must refer to the Son of God, you can call him by his first name secretly as "gee whiz" & "gee willikers" & "jeebus." As his last name (or is it his title?) you can say "Crikey!" & "Criminy!" & "Cripes!" Must you say his full name? It's your eternal soul! Try "Cheese & Rice" or "Jeepers Creepers" or "Jeezy Creezy!" Heck, some even say "Judas Priest" is code for the Son Of Man. How's that for breaking the law?

You might want to simply add, for emphasis, the phrase "for Christ's sake," but that would be breaking a commandment. So how about "Chrissakes" or (even safer) "for crying out loud!" There is of course the chance He (junior) wouldn't be too happy about that, so you might want to reference his subordinates. In case they have punishing powers up above, say "for Pete's sake" or "for the love of Mike" to refer to Saint Peter & Saint Michael, respectively.

There are more archaic but just as surreptitious oaths you can say, which may baffle the Old Dude Upstairs since no one really uses the phrases they are hiding. Say "cor blimey" to mean "God blind me" & He probably won't know what you're talking about. Say "Drat" to mean "God rot it." Say "crivvens" not just because no one you've ever known has, but because it means "Christ defend us!"

You can refer to odd things that the Good Lord owns, like his hooks ("gadzooks" equals "god's hooks") or his wounds ("zounds" means "god's wounds," or "by His wounds"). "Strewth," which you're likely to hear mainly on British comedies, is "His truth" truncated, but the French sacré bleu is apparently a minced oath from France meaning "sang de Dieu," the blood of God.

Or you can profane & blaspheme like Sylvester the Cat. Did you know "suffering succotash" meant "suffering savior"? Now you do!