There once was a suit who wanted to go into space. It made a list in which, this is true, it wrote, "Prose & cons." One might be forgiven for thinking it intended to write a musical comedy that takes place in a prison.
Was there someone looking in your mailbox recently? Don't just be suspicious - announce it to the world! Someone may need the extra outrage!
The suit didn't have any idea how it would get to space. It barely got out at all. It belonged to a stay-at-home dad who had no real occasion to wear it. Then the virus happened.
It's too hard to keep the cat indoors! Why do you want me to keep the cat indoors? It wants to go out, let's just let it out! The cat's missing? Really? Let's put flyers up! Let's do everything possible to get it back home!
During a commercial break, the suit slipped out. This was easier than it had imagined. With a hat to cover its lack of a head, & with a bold saunter that was generally ignored, it managed even to board a flight to Houston. NASA here we come!
The man next door - he - he's up to his neck in palm oil. He's just covered in it. He's slathering it all over himself & he's laughing. Why would he take such great joy in this? Doesn't he know? Should we mention it? He should know.
NASA met the suit at the airport, I believe it's called Dead George Bush Airport, as it arrived in Houston. The suit called ahead. NASA explained that they don't actually send rockets into space anymore. That happens in Russia. But here, they made the suit a passport.
It's been so dry recently. Also things are on fire. Did we mean to keep everything on fire for so many months of the year? We should maybe rethink that. We can't? There's simply no way to do anything differently that would mean we wouldn't be on fire for most of the year? Ah well.
The suit landed in Russia & was whisked away to a platform where a rocket was waiting. It didn't understand Russian, but it knew the universal language of "go that way & you'll be there." Forced to sit in-between an American astronaut & some Belgian dude who smelled of chocolate, the suit felt for the first time a slight anxiety. Maybe it was the chocolate odor.
You know that sort-of overpolite way of saying thank you that goes, "You're too kind"? It's not true. There simply isn't anyone too kind. There hasn't been for a while. When you hear someone say that, remember: it's said with derision, not with gratitude.
At the International Space Station a scientist from Ohio took the suit & showed it the earth moving below. Then she said, "Hey, you know what? You're a space suit now!" The suit had never felt prouder. Or happier. Do suits feel happiness? Probably not. But pride, sure. They're clothes, after all!
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