There's something called apeirophobia - which sounds like a fear of the thing you use to get to your boat on a lake or river or sea or whatever - but which is actually the fear of infinity. We'll talk on the show tomorrow with someone who experiences this but I've been thinking about whether I have felt such a fear, & it reminded me of common nightmares I had as a child.
To understand the first one, it must be said I was very close to my mother until my teenage years. Like all mothers I suppose she managed to instill in me a trust & loyalty that was seemingly permanent - until I started paying attention to her. Once I started to recognize her many faults, I didn't feel as close to her - & certainly stopped trusting her or feeling a loyalty to her. For a long time I thought that was a natural thing, but my brothers never stopped feeling that way toward her, so I guess my disillusionment with her was unusual in our family.
Anyway, before my teen years, a common nightmare would be that she & I would be sitting together & then the earth would move & she would somehow begin separating from me. She seemed utterly oblivious but I was horrified, & I tried to go to her but the distance between us became a chasm. In addition, it seemed as though that distance was exponential - I wouldn't have understood that as a child - but the more I tried to get to her, the more it seemed like she'd get farther away, the distance doubling with every attempt. I would wake up from such dreams crying, horrified, feeling abandoned & alone.
My insecurities wouldn't let me abandon such horror even after I probably wouldn't have been so upset to have my mother wrenched from me. So the dream changed in my teenage years to me being alone & suddenly realizing how vast the universe is. In this iteration of my dream the distance between me & everything else seem to increase exponentially. & it was for me mathematical - I could feel the distance growing as if squared again & again. & it made me feel inconsequential, helpless, & utterly alone. I would wake from such dreams in a cold sweat, absolutely terrified & unable to shake that feeling for a long time afterwards
Luckily as I got older this dream faded away - not because I felt any more secure, or because I found someone who made helped my insecurity & loneliness, but because I became more comfortable with those feelings. They felt lived-in by my mid-1920s. I haven't had that sort of dream in probably decades.
Was it a fear of infinity? Do I still have a remnant of that in me? & if I do, will a show about infinity help or help? I don't know!
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