what I looked like in 1990
On January 20, 1990, I turned 22 years old. I should have been right about to graduate college*, but because of various things - some of which I detailed on this blog around this time last year - I had decided to take a semester off. I had gotten a twenty-hour-a-week gig at a department at the University of Texas called originally the Language Lab, but now called Liberal Arts Media Center** & would also work, when school was on, in the actual Language Lab nineteen hours a week. It was enough to live on, & I needed a rest from the hellish last six months of 1989. Again, detailed in the post linked above.
At the time, it seemed to me I had a good relationship with a woman who, time would tell, didn't really love me & perhaps never even liked me. But we spent all of our time together so codependence helped me delude myself & - importantly for the relationship - kept her around. We spent all our time together. Her parents had not allowed her to date me - though she was in college - so we weren't allowed to live together, though we basically did. I believe in the summer of 1990 she found a new place to live, & I found a room in a duplex. Since I don't want to repeat myself I'll just say I wrote about that in this blog post here. Since we lived together anyway, I gave up the rented room, & had to live for the next year & a half in a place where I couldn't keep much of my stuff & couldn't answer the phone. The things you do for one-sided love!
Thinking about that time now I note that I didn't have many friends & the people who were in my life then are either absent or peripheral to my life now. (It's really just five or six people.) I did my best to help my "girlfriend" with her schoolwork - I really would do anything for her - & I pretended that I would one day be a writer. I wrote lots of short stories, none of which were any good - & I knew that then. I didn't take any creative writing classes & I never showed them to anyone because I knew they weren't any good. I myself didn't like them.
Hunh. I don't think I've ever admitted that to myself before. I myself didn't like the things I wrote. Maybe I kept writing because I wanted to somehow prove to myself it wasn't true. You might ask when did I stop writing, & I answer is, radio. I stopped wanting to be a writer when I could be somewhat creative on the radio. But - should I have said "spoiler alert" earlier? - but spoiler alert again, that wouldn't happen for four more years.
As for my memories of other parts of my life - I'm sure I talked to my mother from time-to-time. I definitely visited my hometown of Garland once or twice a year - probably on holidays. My mother had worked at a convenience store owned by a man who I guess was her boyfriend but when they sold the store, they sort of broke up - it's a long story & if I haven't told it here, I may one day. She moved into a little one-bedroom apartment - where she would live for tweny-five years - & got a job doing food prep at a Jack In The Box. When I came home, she gave me frozen jalapeño poppers she'd stolen from the fast food place. I saw my siblings around this time but we weren't close. I often didn't have money so didn't get them presents for Christmas & usually didn't want the presents they gave me. That I have no memories of Garland or my family from that year suggests that I didn't think much of them.
Sometime a while back I was looking at some lists of bands who visited Austin in the early 90s & I was amazed how much I had missed. Much of this had to do with money & some of it had to do with my "girlfriend," who could be very unpleasant about seeing shows with bands/musicians she didn't like. I was very excited to see Lloyd Cole, for example, at this lovely venue called Liberty Lunch which doesn't exist today, but when we got there, she decided she didn't like the music. "Why would you bring me to this place?" she asked me, & made us leave***. In any event, I don't think I saw a lot of bands that year.
As to my relationship with music in 1990, it was still deeply important to me, but somewhat sidelined by my relationship, which took up a lot of my energy & attention. I'll have some thoughts about that tomorrow. I did return to school for the fall semester 1990, but have very little memory of my schooling then.
What I can say is, that if you had met me that year, it would have seemed like I was in a good & stable relationship & was somewhat happy. I'm not good at happy, but I was in love & I was willing to do anything for the one I loved. I was the same with friends. I was helpful because I loved to help. But holy shit looking back now I can't believe I was ever so young. I was so young & I had read so much & learned so much & heard so much music & yet was so very fucking dumb.
Seriously, I am amazed I didn't just fall down a hole & somehow die of a stubbed toe or something.
* You know what I missed by not graduating with my 1990 class? George HW Bush gave the commencement speech. Maybe that's when my life started to go wrong.
At the time, it seemed to me I had a good relationship with a woman who, time would tell, didn't really love me & perhaps never even liked me. But we spent all of our time together so codependence helped me delude myself & - importantly for the relationship - kept her around. We spent all our time together. Her parents had not allowed her to date me - though she was in college - so we weren't allowed to live together, though we basically did. I believe in the summer of 1990 she found a new place to live, & I found a room in a duplex. Since I don't want to repeat myself I'll just say I wrote about that in this blog post here. Since we lived together anyway, I gave up the rented room, & had to live for the next year & a half in a place where I couldn't keep much of my stuff & couldn't answer the phone. The things you do for one-sided love!
Thinking about that time now I note that I didn't have many friends & the people who were in my life then are either absent or peripheral to my life now. (It's really just five or six people.) I did my best to help my "girlfriend" with her schoolwork - I really would do anything for her - & I pretended that I would one day be a writer. I wrote lots of short stories, none of which were any good - & I knew that then. I didn't take any creative writing classes & I never showed them to anyone because I knew they weren't any good. I myself didn't like them.
Hunh. I don't think I've ever admitted that to myself before. I myself didn't like the things I wrote. Maybe I kept writing because I wanted to somehow prove to myself it wasn't true. You might ask when did I stop writing, & I answer is, radio. I stopped wanting to be a writer when I could be somewhat creative on the radio. But - should I have said "spoiler alert" earlier? - but spoiler alert again, that wouldn't happen for four more years.
As for my memories of other parts of my life - I'm sure I talked to my mother from time-to-time. I definitely visited my hometown of Garland once or twice a year - probably on holidays. My mother had worked at a convenience store owned by a man who I guess was her boyfriend but when they sold the store, they sort of broke up - it's a long story & if I haven't told it here, I may one day. She moved into a little one-bedroom apartment - where she would live for tweny-five years - & got a job doing food prep at a Jack In The Box. When I came home, she gave me frozen jalapeño poppers she'd stolen from the fast food place. I saw my siblings around this time but we weren't close. I often didn't have money so didn't get them presents for Christmas & usually didn't want the presents they gave me. That I have no memories of Garland or my family from that year suggests that I didn't think much of them.
Sometime a while back I was looking at some lists of bands who visited Austin in the early 90s & I was amazed how much I had missed. Much of this had to do with money & some of it had to do with my "girlfriend," who could be very unpleasant about seeing shows with bands/musicians she didn't like. I was very excited to see Lloyd Cole, for example, at this lovely venue called Liberty Lunch which doesn't exist today, but when we got there, she decided she didn't like the music. "Why would you bring me to this place?" she asked me, & made us leave***. In any event, I don't think I saw a lot of bands that year.
As to my relationship with music in 1990, it was still deeply important to me, but somewhat sidelined by my relationship, which took up a lot of my energy & attention. I'll have some thoughts about that tomorrow. I did return to school for the fall semester 1990, but have very little memory of my schooling then.
What I can say is, that if you had met me that year, it would have seemed like I was in a good & stable relationship & was somewhat happy. I'm not good at happy, but I was in love & I was willing to do anything for the one I loved. I was the same with friends. I was helpful because I loved to help. But holy shit looking back now I can't believe I was ever so young. I was so young & I had read so much & learned so much & heard so much music & yet was so very fucking dumb.
Seriously, I am amazed I didn't just fall down a hole & somehow die of a stubbed toe or something.
* You know what I missed by not graduating with my 1990 class? George HW Bush gave the commencement speech. Maybe that's when my life started to go wrong.
** When joking about this name with my co-workers, I admitted I was sad they hadn't decided on the Center for Liberal Arts Media, so we could call the place The CLAM. As it was, they pronounced the acronym "lam-see."
*** I can't find the date for this show on any website but I did discover he returned in 1995 & for some strange reason I didn't see him then. I wonder what stopped me that time?
*** I can't find the date for this show on any website but I did discover he returned in 1995 & for some strange reason I didn't see him then. I wonder what stopped me that time?
