17 Shows To Go!

I am getting down to my last four months of shows on KOOP. How sad is that? Stupid 2008!
Today's show is about ladders. How great is that? 2008 rules!

This is the year I turn FORTY YEARS OLD. How fucked up is that? Stupid fucking 2008!
I didn't make any new year's resolutions. What a relief! I started 2008 right!

This is the year a bunch of liars "run" for president. It makes me tired. Fuck 2008 & fuck Father Time!
This is the last year the current administration is in power. Thank God & His massive package! 2008 will be awesome.

I can go on like this for hours, as I can carry two opposing thoughts in my head indefinitely. (It certainly makes listening to KOOP easier!) But I shall not, as I have a show to prepare for. Won't you come along? It happens today at 4:30 pm Austin time live on the 91.7 frequency on the fm dial or at koop.org. Seriously, it's all about ladders. Why would I make that shit up?

& yeah, it'll be archived soon. But there's nothing like being there when it happens! I mean, for a radio show, not, you know, a natural disaster or a terrorist attack. It sucks to be there when that happens. My radio show has never killed anyone, as no one has ever been killed by mild disappointment.

I'll see you there. Or I won't see you there. I'll be sad if you can't make it, but if you can it'll be LEGENDARY!

Where There's A Curd, There's A Whey

At the beginning of the eighth year of the last century, three probably heterosexual men were sitting on a stoop, daydreaming about the new year, but not necessarily about their current new year (1908) because they were sitting on a stoop in Florence, Arizona, just outside Tucson, & not only wasn't Arizona a state yet, but most residents had decided that telling time, either with watches or with calendars, was something territories didn't do. The three men on the stoop choose to abide by that affectation since none of them owned watches, & the one who owned a calendar had one of those "Hang In There!" kitten calendars for 1898. The new year they were daydreaming about was not named.

One of these men became a Supreme Court Justice. One of them became the most famous songwriter in United States history. One of those men (the was who was least probably heterosexual) invented the mechanism which would make television possible.

Not really. One of them stepped on a nail & died of tetanus before William Howard Taft took the oath of office. The other two died in World War I, one of them in the trenches, the other being shot by a French solider who thought he was a female & was surprised, in the light of a bursting shell, to see a mustachioed American blowing him.

What they were daydreaming about, actually, was pretty dull. They wanted to go to Santa Fe to see a circus. Because they actually didn't know what time it was, they would have been sad to find out that the circus left Santa Fe for Abilene several months back. Since they didn't know that, they thought about it, & laughed when they thought about the clowns.

Truly, then, this cautionary tale is here to tell you: is 2008 really any different than 1908? Or can I simply not find either a humorous meaning nor an adequate way to end this post? I think the answers are the same - & very different.

Whither Ladders?

Ladder, a poem.

As I reflect on the ladder as an element
of the human desire to get from one place
(down) to another place (up) without wings
or leaping (& vice versa)

I am reminded of the great parable of
the footstools in one forgotten religion
(or another) which you may remember
from your religious youth

One footstool said to another footstool
I am but a means to an end
& not an end unto myself which did
cause the other to snort

What the fuck more do you want
you douche you're a sentient footstool!
& they called it in those days perspective
even as from a profane footstool

& truly as I climb the more metaphorical
of ladders I also crave the perspective
& also a footstool that can talk even
if it's a little whiney

For did we not as human species beings
need to climb up not only for things
in high places like cookie jars & fruit
but also to climb out of places

Like holes we dug ourselves into
& our heads out of our asses
wherein perhaps we began reflecting
on things like ladders

In the first place?

That poem written by Daniel Geoffrey Hoplite, some time in the last twenty years. Or minutes.

Preface To Ladders: Happy New Year!

Wow, 2007 is over. I never thought that fucker would leave.

2008 will be a freaky year for Self Help Radio - I'll be leaving KOOP & transitioning (hopefully temporarily) to exclusively podcasting. I hope I can continue doing it - I hope someone out there will want me to continue doing it!

In case you haven't already noticed, my last two radio shows of the year - & the last two indiepop a to z installements of 2007 - are available for your listening pleasure at selfhelpradio.net.

Soon the holidays will be over & I'll get back to the business of writing more nonsense in this blog. Until then - here's my wish that the only help you'll be needing in 2008 is Self Help Radio. Happy new year!

18 Shows To Go!

Jeepers, the time is a-gettin' short. Not only is the year almost over, but I'm gettin' close to bein' done with my time at KOOP.

Today I'll be finishing my one-year commitment to doing the "Indiepop A To Z" every two months. I made a substantial dent in the Cs, but I won't be returning to this on KOOP - unless I get to sub Ear Candy again, which may happen. I am subbing Ear Candy tomorrow & continuing a to z'ing. Look, it's my OCD & I'll alphabetize if I want to.

It starts today at 4:30pm. Live on 91.7 fm in Austin, or at koop.org online. Archived as soon as I get my shit together over at selfhelpradio.net. Ear Candy is tomorrow at 3:30pm. Same bat channel, same bat web site.

Ah, 2007. If I didn't drink so much, I might remember some of your highlights. I do know that I continue to be fortunate to live with a lovely scientist & our six doggy catty children (the newest one, a beaglet called Winston, joined us just a few months ago), & I am pleased as punch to be associated with a wonderful radio station like KOOP, which is (as I always say) an exciting experiment in community radio. I am honestly surprised that this experiment doesn't blow up in the lab as much as your average experiments do!

Most of all, I am happy & grateful so many of you listened, called in, made requests, won shit, & gave money to KOOP in the name of my show. It warms the cockles of my heart. I am glad we got to spend some time in 2007 together. Now. Two shows & on to 2008!

My Millennium Falcon

Mmm, the Millennium Falco. What a delicious space ship.

I am a total Star Trek nerd, but every time I think of the Millennium Falcon, I get a sci-fi boy's brain chubby. How I wanted that ship when I was nine! I even once had a dream that I stowed away onto it. I don't really remember the dream, but I remember how happy I was when I woke up from a dream in which I was on the Millennium Falcon. Yum.

I had a friend in high school who loved drawing the old school Enterprise (I was in high school before Star Trek The Next Generation, so there was no new Enterprise to draw at the time), & both of us expressed admiration for the Cylons' ships (though not really the Battlestars or their lame X-Wing-Fighter-ish ships) in the original Battlestar Galactica, although, just as we puzzled over why the Howells would travel on Gilligan & the Skipper's cheap ass boat rather than using their own yacht or something, we never really understood why it took three Cylons to pilot the ship when they could never win against the Colonial ships.

I am happy to read that the Falcon inspired Joss Whedon's Firefly, which is the easily the best science fiction of the past few years. I don't fall in love with space ships anymore like I did when I was a kid, but there are certain things that push my buttons - like a Proustian taste or smell - whether it's how fucking cool I thought Mr T was, or seeing the crazy trippy art of Steve Ditko (which always feels brand new to me), or seeing the Millennium Falcon. I'd accept George Lucas' facile, tedious, dull Star Wars universe if only someone would let me fly that ship once.

Mmm, Millennium Falcon. Hey, could Chewbacca come along as well. I'd need him. & maybe R2D2, just for safety's sake.

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 12 - & # 13?!?!

As the year ends, I get to try to come a little closer to ending something I should've started when I was much younger & there weren't as many indiepop bands are there are now: the indiepop a to z countup. I started doing it with Jennifer on Ear Candy in 2005, & did it every two months on Self Help Radio this year, & will most probably get through the middle of the Cs before I put the project on hold for a little while.

Wait! Why on hold? Well, as I have only four more months on KOOP, I'm going to wait until I switch to podcasts in May 2008 to continue. You can wait, can't you? No? Okay, then you can go listen to those other indiepop a to z countdownups. Yeah, I thought so. Ingrate.

But Lace has asked me to sub Ear Candy this week (it's on Saturdays from 3: 30 to 5pm), so I figured I'd just continue what I started on Friday's Self Help Radio - which means three hours of indiepop c: from Cats On Fire to... what? Will I get to bands/musicians that start with ch? ci? cl? You can cut this tension with a hot butter knife you bet!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm still working on the show. Is Cibo Matto indiepop? Really? Why or why not?

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 12: Merry Christmas!

That's all. Been in Dallas all day. Just got home. Must sleep.

Happy holidays!

Holiday Buffet

Happy holidays to everyone who comes across Self Help Radio & doesn't throw up a little inside their mouths! (Okay, happy holidays to you too. Why do you do that to yourself?)

I have just put up the two & a half hour A Very Self Help Radio Christmas over at selfhelpradio.net for your holiday listening pleasure. It's bound to disturb your family in ways your sexual deviance never could. & that's saying something!

If you prefer just the music, you may want to listen to this month's Self Help Radio Extra, which is a mix of all the Christmas songs from last year without all that radio junk gunking it up.

I may not post tomorrow - I'll be with family myself - but I'll be back Wednesday. Happy holidays to everyone!

19 Shows To Go!

Let's fuck shit up.

Remember, today's Self Help Radio is a Christmas spectacular which includes the hour previous, which is my way of saying I am subbing "The House Call," which means this Self Help Radio Christmas has become a Very Self Help Radio Christmas. There'll be lots of Christmas music which isn't entirely right in the head, as well as giveaways, amusing anecdotes about Santa's perversions, & at the very end of the show, I'll hang a giant mistletoe over Austin & everyone'll have to make out. What fun!

I'll get the show archived in time for Christmas, I promise. Meanwhile, if you want/need/expect a Christmas mix fix, visit the Self Help Radio Extra page for last year's Christmas show as a single mix without any radio accoutrements.

See you at 3:30pm Texas time, on the radio or on the web at koop dot org!

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Obligation!

I don't mean the the KOOP Anniversary Party, which got an XL recommendation, whatever that is. (I bet it's not as cool as a doctor's note. I wish I could get a doctor's note for most of my obligations. Oh! & a hall pass! Those are cool.)

That made me think about "Get Out Of Jail" free cards in Monopoly. I guess that, since most of the players end up in jail during the course of the game, it assumes that people who go crazy for real estate are all basically criminals who'll do whatever it takes. I think the game is being honest here. I am surprised.

Anyway, remember, I'm not deejaying tonight, despite what you may have heard. I started that rumor myself & it spread like wild butter. No, it's Irma from Hablando De Salud who'll be spinning the tunes in the spot where my name might once have been tossed about in a potential manner. Go see her! She's wonderful.

I must go prepare for a Christmas show... It's really the only thing I do to celebrate the birth of the little baby girl Jesus. She's pretty!

Whither A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2007?

There's such good tidings of joy & radio this week, friends & ex-lovers!

First, Self Help Radio will be extended by an hour (as opposed to being removed by court order, as you've been expecting) so you'll get sixty more minutes of Self Help Radio, which promises you, as always, lots of Gary talking mixed with fabulous music. I can't describe it better than that. I just had dental work & my mouth hurts. Also, my co-workers are unkind to me. I think I'll go home early to cry. 'Tis the season.

Second, this month's Self Help Radio Extra is actually all the songs from last year's Self Help Radio Christmas show, only this one has all the talking & announcements taken out. So if you're in the mood for a seventy-two minute mix of Christmas songs you really won't ever hear anywhere else (or at least certainly not in the order in which I have placed them), just hop over to the Self Help Radio Extrapage for downloading & play it at the next Christmas party you attend. You won't be invited back to that house ever again, but you'll enjoy irritating everyone there.

Third, you've doubtless heard about KOOP's 13th Anniversary Party, yes? You should! Austin's best radio station & a brave experiment in community radio is becoming a teenager - & you can come to the party! All the information you need is here. Come celebrate with us!

That's all. You may return to your online shopping/online porn.

Preface To A Very Self Help Radio Christmas: Donning Gay Apparel

I don't know why I like Christmas music so much. I'm not a Christian, I don't really buy anyone gifts, & I don't really enjoy being around my family at this time of year (& the feeling, more & more, appears to be mutual). But I like Christmas music. I just do. I don't know why.

Do I want to know why? I do! But how?

Most people are entirely unaware why they like what they like, says Professor Smartie of Austin's Brainiac Institute. Indeed, he says, most people have either given their taste up to an authority, like television or magazines, or they've chosen to be contrary to the "taste" of the majority of the people in the world. "The truth is," says the doc, "no one really likes anything."

"So when people tell me they like my show?" I asked.

"Oh I've heard it," he said. "It's awful."

"Don't I know!" I said.

"They're obviously trying to make someone angry," he said, "if they say they like your show."

But what about me & Christmas? If I were just being contrary, wouldn't I hate Christmas? Also, wouldn't I shave my head & paint my scrotum blue? Also, wouldn't I visit old people late at night & make hissing noises under their door so they think their radiator's on fire?

"Probably," the doctor said. "But in your case, you're accepted one authority, & only one: Bing Crosby."

"Of course!" I said. "How could I be so stupid?"

"That's a completely different question," he said. "Put another nickel in my bowl, & I'll answer it."

I have since reconsidered the good doctor's diagnosis, but that doesn't mean he's wrong, just that I'm pretty sure he's full of shit. Meanwhile, as I was listening today to the fifteenth version of "Jingle Bells" I've collected for possible play this week, I could only smille to myself & think, "I also really love cheese. I wish someone would give me some cheese for Christmas. I do love it so!"

Full Of Myrrh & Sense

I'm so excited that I get to do a two & one-half hour A Very Self Help Radio Christmas this year. I hope Richard Dawson shows up! He's always there in my dreams!

I must say, I am delighted that weirdos like you enjoy my show, & even though my favorite music of 2007 hardly ever makes anyone's top ten lists besides me own (I only have one artist listed here, although Lucky Soul would have made it if my show were longer, & I played tracks from Japancakes's cover of the entire album Loveless under my airbreaks, even though that record is silly), I am rubber & year-end-top-ten-lists are glue, so their opinions bounce off of me & stick onto people who apparently only listen to music that they're told to. Nyah.

The show itself is current available for your listening or re-listening pleasure over at selfhelpradio.net. The show includes frank & revealing discussions of rich people moving to Mexico, whether or not we believe Ike Turner, & what all those difficult Nobel Prizes really mean. Missing it will be the mistake you always thought you'd make.

Now, back to the annoying Christmas music. It really is like sifting through manure to find pearls. Is that how the cliche goes? Did noblewomen once hide their jewelry in shit? The world is strange.

20 Shows To Go!

I'm down to 20 shows. Holy cow!

Today's show is my favorite indie music from 2007. Is it weird that I feel completely relieved that, of the twenty or so bands I'll get to play today, only one of them made the Onion's top 25 records list?

Justin, who does the House Call before me, is also playing his favorite stuff. So how indie are we? Tune it to find out. Starting at 3:30 pm today, live on the 91.7 frequency in Austin, or at koop.org.

We're so cool. & enjoy me while I last. I'm almost gone! 20 shows! That's like one third of a year!

Friend Of A Friend Of A Frond

Great, now I have a ridiculous title & nothing to write about. Here's what I know about fronds, though:

A frond is a large leaf with many divisions to it, and the term is typically used for the leaves of palms, ferns or cycads.

I don't know anything about friends. Well, I know a little something about Friends, the hit television series which ran on American television from 1975 until the day before the United States went to war in Iraq. If you'll recall, it single-handedly created the paparazzi industry & it also served as replacement therapy for people who've lost the will to click.

Is it wrong that I don't think of the people who may be listening to my show as friends? Well, what if I think of you as acquaintances? Former co-workers? People with whom I served in the armed forces just right before the United States went to war in Iraq?

But if you are friend of a frond, & we're friends, your other friends might think I was a frond, to avoid them being considered the frond with whom you are friends. How do I argue that? I won't. I'll just take my leaf.

Get it? "Take my leaf"? Like take my leave? Oh I kill me.

Whither Gary's Favorite Indie Music 2007?

As has previously been noted, The Self Help Radio has long been a supporter of many generous & onerous causes, including but not limited to musical endeavors. As part of this longstanding belief system, & with all respect due to doctors who operate on all manner of folk, The Self Help Radio has preceded to pretend to poll all of its programmer to determine within a 45% plus or minus accuracy whether said programmer has actually listened to let alone rated his or her (well, his) favorite music which was released in the year many have called 2007.

The results may surprise you. Four out of five of doctors who operate on all manner of folk have agreed to disagree about the nature of the results, which shall be made public in some particular order on the The Self Help Radio show this coming Friday. All press complaints & any personal, swell-scented documents may be delivered with great aplomb to this email address(es) provided in the press packet everyone should have received at the complimentary brunch. Extra silverware may be returned to the Lost &/Or Found Department located on the second shelf.

What should next your move be? Good answer! The listening pleasure of The Self Help Radio was or may one day be discussed in mixed company beneath chandeliers & over mugshots. Don't be forgettable - understand that there are moments in history at which you are attending & those which you were not invited to which. This is open to all those who have stomach, gumption, opportunity, opprobrium & wherewithal. Will you fathom the depths of The Self Help Radio? Might you even look at The Self Help Radio, then at yourself in the mirror, just to see if there's a resemblance? I know you do!

The Self Help Radio thanks you for your supplemental nature. Your name has been put in a hat & one day in the future you will be contacted by someone in the employ of a doctor who operates on all manner of folk. What happens next is entirely up to you.

Preface To Gary's Favorite Indie Music Of 2007: Year End Lists & The Women Who Love Them

"The Year In Music"

JANUARY: An overhyped new record by some old dude. Giant world tour follows. Tickets top four hundred dollars each. Sponsored by Viagra. Old Dude makes lots of money.
FEBRUARY: A new hiphop record by the same dude who's made a lot of hiphop records in the past three years is released the same week as the new hiphop record by the other dude (who'll be dead by year's end) who's made even more hiphop records in the past five years, & there's a lot of news blurbs about the competition in sales. No one actually listens to the records, though some do enjoy the women in bikinis in the videos.
MARCH: Another awards show gives top awards to both an old dude (who was criminally not given this award three decades ago) & a young dude who's sold a lot of records (which no one will listen to three decades from now).
APRIL: A scantily clad, terrifyingly thin pop singer with a child creates a scandal when she endangers her child's life in some way, goes to rehab, leaves the child at rehab, shaves her head, shaves the child's head, & then breaks up some other scantily clad, terrifyingly thin pop singer's relationship. A reality show based on the event follows in the fall.
MAY: A new FCC ruling allows Clear Channel to purchase every radio station in the United States except for ten.
JUNE: Forty year anniversary of some overrated record by overrated old dudes dominates the media for a week, much to the gratitude of the current administration. Only a couple of people are strong-willed enough to look up from the nostalgiac haze to point out that the record hasn't aged well.
JULY: This year's group of "indie" musicians, picked apparently at random in a smoke-filled room by record company executives, get their break by being featured in a commercial or on a summer movie soundtrack. Of course, the ones who "make it" are not the group of musicians who truly deserve it, but the deserving musicians disqualified themselves by not signing to a major label.
AUGUST: Another old dude makes news complaining about the Internet, myspace, filesharing &/or mp3 stores online from his Malibu home as the third set of reissues of his CD catalog (feauring remixes by Moby & Radiohead!) hit the stores.
SEPTEMBER: Someone generally unimportant dies/kills self/is killed & becomes more important than they ever would have if they'd lived. This may or may not be the hiphop artist who released a new record earlier in the year.
OCTOBER: Some old dude rips off some groundbreaking hiphop/electronic/indie/world music trend & is hailed as a genius. He doesn't pay the interns who turned him onto the music (he only listens to his old stuff), but he does let them blow him.
NOVEMBER: A major musical innovator dies, but not only do the obituaries focus on the musician's "hits" & the troubles he/she had while alive, but someone unimportant - a politician, usually - dies soon after, taking the attention away from the true legend.
DECEMBER: Year end lists by famous critics will include only those records sent to the famous critics by major record companies, although, if an intern will fuck them, one of the critics may include the intern's favorite independent record as an afterthought or a "band to watch."

Early September Conjugal Visit

Yes, we have surprises in store for you this weekend only at Self Help Radio, America's favorite organic fast-food shopping emporium & home decor workshop. Using only fair-trade radio parts, Self Help Radio changes the world, one kilobyte of downloadable exacerbation at a time. Listen to what you can see if you'd only had a taste of the sweet-smelling Self Help Radio shaking your hand on the radio every week:

- Collapsible Cheese
- Martin Heidegger
- A Brief Cessation Of Hostilities
- Dimly Lit
- Vegetarian Dim Sum
- Jelly Pipeline
- Mind The Gap
- Popular Novelist On Hold

Want more? Want less? Both are available at no other cost to you than your time &/or interest over at selfhelpradio.net!

Update: On Friday, December 7, 2007, Self Help Radio performed a public service & played ninety minutes of 2007's best electronica (& not, as previously reported, best erotica, sorry). If you didn't hear the show, you will be able to enjoy it as it happened in what is apparently called mp3 format over at selfhelpradio.net. But act soon! It may only be there for a year!

21 Shows To Go!

Eep! Time is running short! Someone needs to get me a banjo & a sentient sports car or else we'll all die!!

Yes, today is (counting down, you know) show number 21. There are only 20 shows after this. If I live that long. You never know what my enemies may be putting in my sag paneer when I'm at an Indian food buffet. All I can say is that I can't eat as much as I used to, & that may be my saving grace. Damn my foes! Can't they wait their turn?

Today's show will be my favorite electronica from the past year. As always, I will neglect to make sure that everyone knows I couldn't possibly have listened to every record put out by every electronical artist (or by every human artist making electronical music) this year. Just most of them.

Actually, I do avoid a lot of stuff. I filter. I don't listen to much that's house-y (although if they made music based on television's House, you can bet I'd listen to that) & I don't listen to a lot of techno ravey dance music. Nor ambient, although it's a fine line sometimes. I mean, what's the real difference between glitch & drill n bass? Or did I make those genres up? I can't tell any more.

Oh, you listen & decide what I like. It'll all be live today on KOOP (& online too) from 4:30 to 6pm Texas time. & then later (probably around Sunday) at selfhelpradio.net. & still later, repeated over & over in your head when you get to hell. Three great chances to hear!

& be sad as show 21 passes by... & my departure from the KOOP airwaves gets ever nearer...