I don't know why I like Christmas music so much. I'm not a Christian, I don't really buy anyone gifts, & I don't really enjoy being around my family at this time of year (& the feeling, more & more, appears to be mutual). But I like Christmas music. I just do. I don't know why.
Do I want to know why? I do! But how?
Most people are entirely unaware why they like what they like, says Professor Smartie of Austin's Brainiac Institute. Indeed, he says, most people have either given their taste up to an authority, like television or magazines, or they've chosen to be contrary to the "taste" of the majority of the people in the world. "The truth is," says the doc, "no one really likes anything."
"So when people tell me they like my show?" I asked.
"Oh I've heard it," he said. "It's awful."
"Don't I know!" I said.
"They're obviously trying to make someone angry," he said, "if they say they like your show."
But what about me & Christmas? If I were just being contrary, wouldn't I hate Christmas? Also, wouldn't I shave my head & paint my scrotum blue? Also, wouldn't I visit old people late at night & make hissing noises under their door so they think their radiator's on fire?
"Probably," the doctor said. "But in your case, you're accepted one authority, & only one: Bing Crosby."
"Of course!" I said. "How could I be so stupid?"
"That's a completely different question," he said. "Put another nickel in my bowl, & I'll answer it."
I have since reconsidered the good doctor's diagnosis, but that doesn't mean he's wrong, just that I'm pretty sure he's full of shit. Meanwhile, as I was listening today to the fifteenth version of "Jingle Bells" I've collected for possible play this week, I could only smille to myself & think, "I also really love cheese. I wish someone would give me some cheese for Christmas. I do love it so!"
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