Whither Michigan?

I mentioned before I've never been to Michigan. I'll mention it again. I'll mention again that I've never been to Michigan. There. I mentioned it again. I'll mention it unknowingly at some point during the next few minutes as well. There's hardly any self-consciousness between me & my travels. Either I've been some place or I haven't. I've never been to the moon, for example, but also I've never been an astronaut. Nor is my name "Buzz." It's Gary. In case you haven't noticed.

Sometime last February, in-between Bush Administration Fuck-Ups, I was sitting at the bus stop, minding my own business, wondering, as I sometimes do, how I got there (it was four in the morning) & who had signed my nipples. Since it was dark, & I was looking down at my nipples, I couldn't read the text (it was upside down), but later I discovered that a professional Ray Davies impersonator signed my nipples at a karaoke bar when I was pretending to be a police detective & would simply walk up to people with a megaphone, flash what looked like a badge but what was really my iPod, & scream "AMBER ALERT!" Strangely enough, the Ray Davies impersonator decided to sign my nipples "Paul Harvey." It was a good night, & I thank whoever it was who told me that cough syrup & permanent markers were a foot in the door of madness. I lost my shoe in that door that night.

Anyway, while I was sitting at the bus stop, trying to read my nipples, I became aware of a man sleeping on the ground behind the bench. He was muttering something to himself in his sleep. Naturally, him being asleep, I didn't expect him to be saying anything that would make sense, & I was right. He would shudder occasionally & his words were at turns inaudible & almost yelled out. I remember a few snatches of his dream babble:

He's got me!... I never loved Annie... What's love got to do, got to do with it?... Five'll get you ten he won't be able to find his underwear tomorrow... Buy refuse, sell trash... What's love but a second-hand emotion?... Indeed, this particular theorum stumped even the Pythogorians!... There's no way to find suspicious files in your mailboxes... Seriously - who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?... Annie! Annie!

I listened to his soliloquy for some time until I realized that the bus doesn't come at 4am. Also, my nipples (I discovered) are allergic to magic markers, so I began to experience some uncomfortable burning sensations in my man-breasts. So I began to raise myself & find my way home, when the sleeping man grabbed my leg. I couldn't make out his face, but he was bellowing at me something I couldn't understand. So I said, "Let me go!" He didn't let me go. I screamed, "I'll call the cops!' Nothing. I tried to get free while pleading to the night, "Please dear lord don't let me die at the hands of a man who dreams in Tina Turner songs!" He seemed to clutch me tighter. A cloud went behind the moon. A streetlight went out & a car down the street burst into flames (although it could have been a lingering cough syrup hallucination). I fell to the ground, skinning my knees & my palms, & I said, "No, no, no! I've never even been to Michigan!"

I didn't know that "Michigan" was the safe word of Annie, the strange old man's S&M partner. He let me go & offered to buy me breakfast. We ate that morning by the dumpsters outside IHOP & became fast friends. I dedicate this week's show - & the inspiration for it - to him.

By the way, that man was none other than GERALD MCRANEY. As if you didn't know.

Quick! A "Song Of The Day"! By Rodd Keith! From the collection Ecstasy To Frenzy! The song my girlfriend wants to dance to at our wedding: Little Rug Bug! Click to listen! Listen until April 4, 2007! Find out more about Song-Poems!