Whither Small Talk?

comic by David Sipress, found here

Hm, a radio show about small talk. Why did I think of a radio show about small talk? Was there some function I had to go to where I had to be social & pleasant & just stood there occasionally smiling & saying hello to people I will probably never see again & sometimes even engaging with them on the most mundane of subjects? Did my mind wander, as it sometimes does, to my radio show where I thought hey are there lots of songs about people talking small talk? & if there are, would that make a good radio show?

Could that have been where the idea for the show came from? I wonder.

Self Help Radio's small talk show is on tonight, Monday March 9th (technically the 10th) at midnight, from midnight to 2am, on 90.7fm in town, on kboo dot fm everywhere. Maybe if you're bad at small talk it may help you get better? If that's something you want?

Preface To Small Talk: Sunday Off

cartoon by Ellis Rosen, found here

Hey. You might have noticed. I wasn't on the radio today. I'm usually on the radio on Sundays. Yeah, I do a radio show called The Dickenbock Report on XRAY FM. No, really, I do. But today was International Women's Day so they preempted my show. I mean, I could've done a show, but you know. Not a woman. I've known lots of dudes who think they know women's music better than women & nope. That's not me. What I should've done is work on my KBOO show, which is on tomorrow night. What I did instead was play a game on my phone. I don't know why I procrastinate so except that so far - really for all my life - I've never been sufficiently punished for doing that. Procrastinating. I used to write papers in college not the night before they were due, but sometimes hours before they were due. & I got decent grades. I can pull a radio show together pretty well - not to say it'll be a good radio show. But I'll be there ready to be on air with two hours of songs about small talk! At least tomorrow night. Truth be told I kinda liked having a Sunday off. There are folks at Freeform Portland - & at KBOO - & some at XRAY - who do their show every other week. I think it might be hard to find an audience for your show in that situation but I kinda envy them their week off. There hasn't been a repeat of The Dickenbock Report since it's been on Sundays on XRAY. When I'm out of town, I prerecord an episode. Having a day off - wow. That's a cool idea. Oh hang on. Is this post like small talk? I might not be very good at small talk. I'm not very good at lots of stuff. But it might be fine to not be very good at small talk. I once had someone at a radio station ask me, Do you only talk about radio? I guess it was what we had in common so I talked to them about it. Like here with you. I talk about my dumb radio shows. That's probably small talk. Which is appropriate because that's what the show is about this week!

Coming Up Tomorrow On The Dickenbock Report: The Dickenbock Report Is Not On Tomorrow

That's right, because tomorrow, March 8, is International Women's Day, & because, though he is many things, Dick Dickenbock is decidedly not an international women, XRAY is preempting the Report for special Amplify Women programming.

Find out more about the day by looking at the schedule. & tuning in! 7am to 7pm!

This Week In Self Help: March 1 + 3

John Singer Sargent, "Capri Girl On A Rooftop" (1878) found here

Peanut butter & rooftops, that's what I spent my week on.

The Dickenbock Report on XRAY FM on National Peanut Butter Lover's Day. Guys I ate so much peanut butter & I still love it. Listen on the XRAY website.

That was March 1st. On March 3rd:

Self Help Radio on KBOO, a show about rooftops. Guys the older I get I am more afraid of heights but I still love to be on rooftops. You can listen to the show on the KBOO website or on the Self Help Radio website.

Finally Corporate Standardized Programming on KBOO. Another morbid show, guys. Artists we lost in September & October of last year. You can listen to the show on the KBOO website (after Self Help Radio) or by itself on the Self Help Radio website.

& that's it for the week!

Self Help Radio 030326: Rooftops

No, I was not allowed to do this radio show, which was about rooftops, on the KBOO rooftop. Did I maybe suggest I might try to replicate the famous Let It Be Beatles rooftop show? Except with me as a one-person band? Maybe I did. But think of the optics! & there was going to be a lunar eclipse! Sadly, I was unable to do a show about rooftops on a rooftop. Rather it was in a very unrooftop-like studio.

Nonetheless the theme of rooftops was thoroughly explored without (as usually happens with me & rooftops) me getting accidentally pushed off. Weird how often that has happened. Lots of music & guests & maybe if you look really closely a bit of fun.

Listen now: at the KBOO webpage. Or at the Self Help Radio page. Everything that happened on the show is noted below.

& no, no one invited me to their rooftop during the show. Maybe I didn't make it clear that was my desire. But it seemed obvious!

Self Help Radio Rooftops Show

"The Orange Rooftop Of Your Mind" The Blue Things _Mindrocker_

"High On A Rooftop" Charlotte Russe _High On A Rooftop_

"Rooftop" The Sons Of Champlin _Loosen Up Naturally_

introduction & definitions

"Rooftop Singing" New World _Believe In Music_

"Rooftop Garden" Lou Reed _Legendary Hearts_

"Rooftop Death Dive" Coyle & Sharpe _The Absurd Imposters_

"Blue Rooftop" The Weather Prophets _Temperance Hotel..._

"Rooftop Brawl" Bishop Allen _Grrr..._

interview with rooftop watch member Eddie Masters

"Rooftops" The Bats _The Deep Set_

"Rooftops & Chaotic Streets" The Cavalcade _Meet You In The Rain EP_

"Rooftop Judy" Alaska _These Sacred Floors_

"Third Floor Rooftop High" The Woodentops _Granular Tales_

"From The Rooftop" Trailer Bride _Smelling Salts_

interview with rooftop singers Marcy & Paul

"See You On Rooftops" Neil Halstead _Sleeping On Roads_

"Rooftops" Henrik Appel _Shadows_

"Standing Blinded On The Rooftops" Phillip Boa & The Voodooclub _Blank Expression: A History Of Singles 1986-2016_

"Rooftops" Ruby Bones _Laser Tooth Tiger_

"I Am Rooftop" Cloud Nothings _Turning On_

interview with Eric Meadows, who likes to be on rooftops

"Rooftop Dancing" Sylvan Esso _Free Love_

"Rooftop" Fieh _In The Sun In The Rain_

"Rooftops" Malini Sridharan _Tombeaux_

"Rooftop" 9353 _Overdoses At Your Mother's House_

conclusion & goodbye

"Rooftops (feat. Coppa)" Beat Pharmacy _Wikkid Times_

Whither Rooftops?

some of the rooftops of San Francisco

My wife & I visited one of her sisters - one of my sisters-in-law - who lives in San Francisco last October. There are many places in San Francisco where one can look down on the city - & I don't mean in a snobbish way. The picture above is one of those places. I think it might have been taken from Twin Peaks. Someone from that part of the world can probably identify better where exactly it is - it was just one of dozens of photos I took that I recently - over a month ago - was sorting through.

It's true I take a lot of dumb pictures & it's more true that it takes me a long time to get through them - in this case like three months, although I've taken longer. I think it's just that I don't take so many pictures in the winter time. Anyway, sometime before or during looking at these pictures - many of which are looking down at rooftops in the city - I thought it might be nice to do a show about rooftops. The idea for the show might even have been in San Francisco in October - I just wasn't reminded of it until I saw the photos.

Now you know. Why Self Help Radio this week is about rooftops. Because it is. Tonight. Midnight to 2am. On 90.7fm in Portland. kboo dot fm everywhere.

& no, KBOO won't let me do the show from the station's rooftop. Alas.

Preface To Rooftops: Wish I Spent More Time On Rooftops

For most of my life, I lived in apartments, not in houses. (I did a series of places I've lived here on this blog, just search for "Photographs Of Places I've Lived" in the blog search field.)

But now that I think about it, I don't know if it's most of my life. Maybe just much of my life. Please don't make me do the math. Are you going to make me do the math?!?

Sigh. For the first four years of my life, we lived in rental houses. When I was four, my mother left my father, & for the next thirty-three years I lived mainly in apartments. In 1982 I lived for six months in a rental house. From late 1990 to the end of 1991 I lived in an apartment carved out of someone's home (basically two rooms, with a kitchen & bathroom). From 1993 to 1999 I lived in a fourplex, & from 2000 to 2005 I lived in a duplex. Which I still count as apartments. I bought my first house in 2005 & have been living in houses - sometimes rented ones, when we were new in a city - since then. I am 58. 58 minus 33 is 25. So yes. I have lived most of my life in apartments or apartment-like dwellings. If I live only eight more years, & my wife has not kicked me out of this house by then, I will have lived half of my life in each - houses or apartment-like dwellings.

Are you happy now that you made me do the math?!?

What was I going to talk about? It seems so pedestrian now. I was going to say, "I have not spent as much time as I'd like on rooftops." I have lived in this house now for almost six years & haven't been on the roof yet. I am awkward around ladders. I somehow feel I don't know how to use them properly.

What I really want is a building like in New York where you can hang out on the rooftop. I'm sure there are some buildings like that here in Portland too. Maybe someone who hears this week's show will invite me up to their rooftop! Oh boy!

This post did not turn out anything like I wanted it to.

Coming Up Tomorrow On The Dickenbock Report: National Peanut Butter Lovers Day

(image found here)

Although around one to two percent of Americans are allergic to peanuts, that means 98% of us aren't, & also more peanut butter for us. We greedily gobble all the peanut butter on March 1, which is National Peanut Butter Lovers Day. & everyone at The Dickenbock Report loves peanut butter. Maybe too much.

Tune in tomorrow, Sunday, March 1, for musical reports about peanut butter & more. Only on The Dickenbock Report on XRAY FM - 91.1+107.1fm in Portland, xray dot fm everywhere.

This Week In Self Help: February 20 22 + 24

What a busy week I had last week, it's a wonder I had time to do these dumb shows. But they were:

February 20. The Songcircle on KBOO. Lots of new releases + an interview with Stephen Kalinich. Listen to the show on the KBOO website.

February 22. The Dickenbock Report on XRAY FM. Be Humble Day. Listen to the show on the XRAY website.

February 24. Self Help Radio on KBOO. I took "a week off." Played electronica jazz + experimental stuff. Listen on the KBOO website or on the Self Help Radio website.

Now let's see if I can get my act together for the next week!

Self Help Radio 022426: A Week Off

(all album cover images from Bandcamp)

After a particularly heavy week - wherein I had to travel back to Texas to see a family member that took ill - she's fine now tho! - I realized I didn't have the time to put together one of my regular shabbily-constructed shows. I really did not have the time or the energy. So I said to my wife, "I think Self Help Radio is going to have to take the week off." She said, "So you're not doing a show this week?" I said, "I'll do a show, it just won't be a theme-based Self Help Radio episode." She rolled her eyes at me & said, "That's not taking a week off."

But you have to admit, it's better than a repeat!

So here's a selection of recently released jazz, electronica, experimental, etc., with very few interruptions from me. You can listen if you'd like at the KBOO website or at the Self Help Radio website. The songs I played are below.

Back to the regular nonsense next week.

Self Help Radio Takes A Week Off

"Tidal Motions" Dapper Blob _Most People Are Other People_

"Theme For Fruitful Tangents" Squanderers _Skantagio_

"AZK" Florian Stéphant _La Sympathie Des Horloges_ 

"Decreation" Venera _Exinfinite_

"Sunder" Leslie Keffer _Sunder_

"Out The Door" Matt Bachmann _Compost Karaoke_

"Conjunctions I For Saxophones" Shane Krause _I Measured The Skies_

"The Kingdom Of Heaven Is Within" Rich Brown _Nyaeba_

"Shiver" Valley Voice _Stars, Engines_

"No Bread For You" Cookin' On 3 Burners _Cookin' The Books_

"Causeway" The Necks _Disquiet_

"Book Of Changes" Faten Kanaan _Diary Of A Candle_

"Exp" Aatocaster _Superstition (Studio Works '23 - '25)_

"Uncontrollable Thoughts" Anushka Chkheidze + Robert Lippok _Uncontrollable Thoughts_

"Dreams Like These" Doug Bielmeier _Electric Rodeo Revival_

"Dream Palette" Loneward _Musings Of A Painted Sky_

"Junoon" Didon _Bab El Mdina_

"Generation Amiga" Duid _Let's Duid_

"Les Grands Départs" Géraldine Eguiluz & Michel F Côté _Hors Temps_

"Illuminance" Midori Hirano _Otonoma_

"Cloudseeding 10" Devin Maxwell _Megadrought_

"Gestations" The Messthetics & James Brandon Lewis _Deface The Currency_

"Marwa The Mountain" Shabaka _Of The Earth_

"Magic Touch" Nick Schofield _Blue Hour_

"Flourishing Flakes" The Setting _The Setting_

"Hum" Leo Chang _Live At CPR_

Whither A Week Off?

Listen. I had a heck of a week. A family emergency took me to Dallas. Once back, I had a radio show on XRAY, a meeting at Freeform Portland, & I helped with a show at KBOO. & I'm not as young as I used to be.

What I keep saying is, "I'm taking a week off." That's not entirely true. I'm not doing the planned episode of Self Help Radio this week - the show with the theme "rooftops." I'll do that next week. This week I'll just play lots of sounds I find interesting - in the jazz, electronic, & experimental genres - that have been released in oh the last six months or so. Instrumentals mainly. Not so much me talking.

Hopefully it'll give me a chance to recharge & spend the time to make sure the show is a good one.

So listen to me "take a week off" tonight on KBOO - 90.7fm in town, kboo dot fm everywhere - from midnight to 3am. It isn't that I couldn't play a rerun or anything - I just don't think anyone should be subjected to one of my shows more than once.

Preface To The Next Show: What Will It Be?

(image found here)

If you look at the Self Help Radio web page right now, you will see that the theme for tomorrow night's show is "rooftops." Or is it?

You see, I had a hell of a week. A family member took ill & I had to go to Dallas. & I am still very, very tired. & not a little discombobulated.

So there's a very good chance I'll take a week off. I'll still have some kind of show - it just won't necessarily be a Self Help Radio episode about rooftops. That will have to wait until next week.

But. We'll see. Maybe if I get a little sleep tonight, that will help & I'll be bright-tailed & bushy-eyed & be able to navigate the day. Chances are slim but there's still a chance. Maybe?

Let me think on it & I'll tell you tomorrow.

Coming Up Tomorrow On The Dickenbock Report: Be Humble Day

(image found here)

Because he is the epitome of humility, Dick Dickenbock will proudly report on February 22, which is Be Humble Day... Nope. Can't do it. We all know Dick Dickenbock is the very opposite of humble. If there were a Be Excessively Vainglorious Day, well, yes, we could hold him out as a shining example for the day. But humble? Dick Dickenbock? Please.

Find out how he squares this circle tomorrow, Sunday February 22, on the Dickenbock Report, noon to 1pm on 91.1+107.1fm in Portland, xray dot fm everywhere.

Dick Dickenbock humble! It is to laugh.

This Week In Self Help: February 15 + 17

(Ellen Greene as Audrey in Little Shop Of Horrors, found here)

This week on Self Help Radio the show was about the name Audrey. Tho my guest Carole mentioned Audreys I & II from Little Shop Of Horrors, & tho I devoted an entire airbreak to the character of Audrey Horne from Twin Peaks, because I left them out of the collage of Audreys I made for the show, I was criticized for "forgetting them." You can't please an Audrey lover no matter how hard you try.

This week was all like:

World Hippo Day on The Dickenbock Report on XRAY FM. Sunday the 15th. Listen here.

Audrey's Show on Self Help Radio on KBOO. Tuesday the 17th. Listen here. Or here.

New releases on Corporate Standardized Programming on KBOO. Also Tuesday the 17th. Listen here (after Self Help Radio). Or here.

& that was it. I hope at least there was an Audrey out there that liked the show.

Self Help Radio 021726: Audrey's Show

(images found on Wikipedia)

Though I found no Audreys to talk to for Audrey's show, I did find plenty of songs about Audrey for Audrey to enjoy. Maybe a few of them were about Audrey Hepburn & none at all about Audrey Munson but! It is well-known that all songs about Audrey are, by some mystical mathematical property of transference, about all Audreys. It is the cosmic connection of Audreyness about which many philosophical treatises have been written & many mellifluous poems composed. At least one would hope. I just played songs.

Tell all the Audreys you know there's a show about her! If you're Audrey, tell yourself! You can listen now or when Audrey's around at either the KBOO web page or at the Self Help Radio web page. As I continually bemoan, there were no Audreys for me to talk to, but you can see I talked about a few Audreys - the list of what happened on the show is below.

Gosh I hope Audrey likes her show!

Audrey's Self Help Radio Show

"Audry" The Rob Roys _Back Beat Records: Rock & Roll Party_

"Audrey" Billy Lehman _The Rockin' Spot Volume Five: Audrey_

"Talk To Audrey" The Hollywood Playboys _Talk To Audrey_

introduction & definitions

"Audrey" Owen Gray _The Singles Collection 1960-1962 (Classic Jamaican Collection)_

"Audrey" Winston Shand _Audrey_

"Norman & Audrey" Lord Nelson _Black Gold_

"Audrey" Mike Heron _Smiling Men With Bad Reputations_

"Audrey" Club Eternity _Audrey_

our favorite librarian Carole stops by!

"All About Audrey" Jim's Twenty-One _Nadine_

"Little Audrey" Stephen _Dumb_

"Audrey Hepburn" Die Fünf Freunde _The Marsh Marigold Review Gold 01-10_

"Audrey's Curtains" The Days _The Sound Of Leamington Spa Volume 4_

"Audrey's Eyes" Velocity Girl _Copacetic_

a discussion about Little Audrey

"Audrey Hepburn" Planet Sunday _Planet Sunday_

"Audrey" The Automaticans _Audrey_

"Des Tours Pour Audrey (Turns For Audrey)" Souvenir _Points De Suspension_

"Audrey Hepburn's Beauty Tips" The Silent Boys _Beauty Tips_

"Hank & Audrey (feat. Tom Russell)" Katy Moffatt _Midnight Radio_

a discussion about Audrey Horne

"She Looked Like Audrey Hepburn" Little Man Tate _Nothing Worth Having Comes Easy_

"Audrey (Spending All My Time With You)" The Shacks _Audrey_

"Audrey" Superfamily _Back In Paris_

"Audrey" Someone _Owls_

"Oobey Dooh I Wanna Be Audrey Tatou" The Bobby McGee's _Yay 4 Cuteness_

conclusion & goodbye

"Audrey" Walking Concert _Run To Be Born_

"Simply Audrey" The Pooches _One Man Dog_

"Audrey" The Double Happiness _Roadhouse_

"Audrey Of Spirits" Dream Diary _You Are The Beat_

Whither Audrey's Show?

Here's the thing: I love doing shows about people's names. Names fascinate me. I remember one time in West Virginia when two (possibly inadvertently) racist people were making fun of African-American names. They said, "The names just sound made up!" I told them, "You're going to be very surprised when you learn that all names are made up."

Discovering where names come from - & songs that contain the names - is fun for me. & when I thought it might be time to do another show about a name, "Audrey" came to mind. It might have been because of a song I heard & it might have been because I knew a couple of Audreys I could interview for the show. So I gathered the songs & I reached out to the Audreys - & as you know, they didn't want to be interviewed for the show. So it's an Audrey show with plenty of Audrey songs - but, alas, no Audreys.

& it all happens tonight - midnight to 2am - on KBOO - 90.7fm in town, kboo dot fm everywhere. Even if I don't talk to any Audreys, I hope at least an Audrey or two will listen - & be charmed.

Preface To Audrey: No Audreys I Know

This is true: I love doing shows about peoples' names. I especially like to talk to people who have that name on the air - I recently did it with my anniversary show where I talked the name Molly. I got to talk to three Mollys for that show! & I hoped to talk to some Audreys for my Audrey show.

Alas! The Audreys I know - I should say "knew," since we're no longer in touch - did not return my requests for being on the show. One of them is a Facebook friend - we knew each other in Kentucky - & she obviously doesn't check her Facebook anymore. The other did not respond to emails.

But I did try to find an Audrey or two to talk to! There was a post on Bluesky which no one responded to & on-air requests. I asked friends about their friends named Audrey - since they seem to have friends named Audrey on Facebook. That didn't get any response. I was given an email of a friend's friend named Audrey - she never wrote me back. & I contacted another friend's friend named Audrey who even arranged a time to meet with me - but didn't show up for the meeting or communicate with me any further.

It's a bummer, I would have liked to talk to an Audrey for the Audrey show.

That picture above was taken in Fort Worth in I think 2018. My wife & I had gone on a food adventure in a mostly undeveloped, or industrialized, area of east Fort Worth, we had been told about incredible sandwiches, & walked the dogs in the nearby neighborhood. It seemed novel to me to have your names - your first names! - posted on the side of your house. But I suppose people do that all the time in many ways. So maybe I'm the doofus for thinking it's novel.

But gosh I wish I had an Audrey to talk about for the Audrey show. Sigh.

Coming Up Tomorrow On The Dickenbock Report: World Hippo Day

February 15 is World Hippo Day. Despite the fact that envious colleagues have often called him "Hippo" behind his back, Dick Dickenbock has a fondness for these strange & wonderful creatures. They deserve an afternoon newshour devoted to them.

So that's what we'll do Sunday, February 15, from noon to 1pm - talk about & play musical reports about the hippo. That's on XRAY FM - 91.1+107.1fm in Portland, xray dot fm everywhere.

This Week In Self Help: February 8 + 10

Oh yeah I forgot to tell you:

February 8 - Opera Day - Dickenbock Report on XRAY. Listen here.
February 10 - Valentine's Day show about devotion - Self Help Radio on KBOO. Listen here. Or listen here.
February 10 as well - celebration of artists we lost in September 2025 - Corporate Standardized Programming on KBOO. Listen here (after Self Help Radio). Or listen here.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Self Help Radio 021026: Valentine's Day 2026 - Devotion

Here is this year's Valentine's Day show! This time around with unplanned-for religious content! But seriously you should focus on the whole "devoted to your lover" thing. It's a Valentine's Day show after all! The other kinds of devotion - tho represented here - don't really make sense in that context. Okay?

You can listen to the show on the KBOO website or you can listen to it on the Self Help Radio website. Lots of stuff happened on the show - people called in to tell us about who or what they were devoted to - & all of that is noted below. I don't think I have anything else to add except:

Happy Valentine's Day!

Self Help Radio Valetine's Day Devotion Show

"Adolescent Song Of Mindless Devotion" The Lucksmiths _First Tape_

"Devotion" Petula Clark _The Sound Of Petula Clark_

"Devotion" Walker Kong _There Goes The Sun_

introduction & definitions

"Hopelessly Devoted To You" The Orion Experience _Cosmicovers_

"Hopelessly Devoted" True Love Always _Spring Collection_

"Devoted To You" Rose Melberg _Portola_

"Chains Of Devotion" Katydids _Katydids_

"Devotion & Respect" Space Ghost _Yeah, Whatever..._

"Devotion" Earth Wind & Fire _Gratitude_

Smithy tells us to whom he's devoted

"Show A Little Devotion" Kate Bush _Moments Of Pleasure_

"River Devotion" The Folk Implosion _Dare To Be Surprised_

"Devoted" Atta Boy _Big Heart Manners_

"Devotion" The Staves _Good Woman_

"Devotion" Mission Of Burma _Signals, Calls, & Marches_

Marla & Mark tells us what they're devoted to

"Devotion" Hilly Michaels _Calling All Girls_

"Devotion" Cassandra Jenkins _My Light, My Destroyer_

"Born Sandy Devotional" The Triffids _In The Pines_

"Devotion" Steph Green _Thanks For That_

"Devotion" Smog _Dongs Of Sevotion_

Zack tells us what he's devoted to

"I Need Your Devotion" Exploding Flowers _Stumbling Blocks_

"Devotion" Helen Ganya _Polish The Machine_

"Canons Of Devotion" Yesan Damen _Chronos/Kairos_

"Total Devotion" Pink Sky _Total Devotion_

"Totally Devoted" Witch _Sogolo_

conclusion & goodbye

"Devotional" Tabla Beat Science _Live In San Francisco At Stern Grove_

Whither Devotion (Valentine's Day 2026)?

Every year on Self Help Radio, I explore a different Valentine's Day-related theme on Valentine's Day. In the past, I have covered the topics Affection, Boyfriends, Crushes, Dating, Falling In Love, Famous Lovers, Flirting, Girlfriends, Hate, The Heart, Heartbreak, Jealousy, Love, Love Is..., Love Songs, Lovesick, Make You Mine, Roses, Sweethearts, True Love, &Valentines. That's a lot of Valentine's Day related topics! Like with Halloween I do fear I will eventually run out of subjects for the holiday. I mentioned that on a show last year & asked for a theme for this year's Valentine's Day show - & someone suggested "devotion."

It seemed a good idea - Valentine's Day is certainly a holiday that can be used to demonstrate one's devotion to another. I said sure! & I didn't think ahead to other forms of devotion - like devotion to one's duty, or even worse, one's devotion to one's faith. I didn't realize that until I had already done enough work to make the show. So we'll be discussion that kind of devotion, too!

So happy Valentine's Day a few days early & listen to my valentine to you tonight from midnight to 2am on 90.7fm in town, kboo dot fm everywhere. I know, you would have preferred a box of candy instead but this is what I'm giving you this year.

Preface To Devotion: Oh No A Religious Valentine's Day

There is an observation I've made before about taking pictures - they're a little like diary entries. But like diary entries, they can lack context. For example, I took this picture in Deep Ellum, Dallas, on November 27, 2018. It's as if I wrote in a diary, "I saw a cool sculpture of a heart that had bicycle parts & locks in & on it." It doesn't tell me why I was there, or if it was street art, or in a show I attended. What I do know is that it was a sunny day in late November 2018 & I took a picture of a sculpture that struck my fancy.

The picture has nothing to do with devotion, but it's hard to find pictures about devotion on the internet because it turns out the word "devotion" is not as Valentine's Day-friendly as I had initially thought. Indeed, almost all the pictures I can find are religious - including art for devotionals that religious people carry. I am not a religious person. I think about it at best academically. So the idea of religious devotion is not something I could easily wrap my head around - indeed, even when as a child I thought there might be a mean dude in the sky that punished me when I was bad (or at least would when I was dead), I found the concept of somehow loving, worshipping, praising that dude to be a little silly. Mainly I couldn't wrap my head around it - I understood Zeus & Thor & the Force in Star Wars (this is pre-midichlorian) far better than whatever nebulous concept of a god my mother & some of the people around me believed in.

So naturally when I chose the theme "devotion" for Valentine's Day, I thought of being devoted to one's partner - or a pet's devotion to its master. The religious angle had not even occurred to me.

& yeah I know Valentine's Day was named after a saint, but it's become a secular holiday much like Christmas has. It's not about some dude who ministered to persecuted Christians & was beatified for it - it's about candy & roses & cards. I doubt many of the people who like Valentine's day & "celebrate" even know it's from a tradition that involved early Christians. Just like (I'd argue) most of the people who exchange gifts at Christmas don't really think it's the birthday of a god's kid. It's just about presents & family & oh yeah getting off work.

It was therefore not my intention to do a religious Valentine's Day show. Heck, I don't even think "love" as a concept would make a good religion. But that's a discussion for later. How did I end up with this as my Valentine's Day theme? I'll tell you tomorrow.

Coming Up Tomorrow On The Dickenbock Report: Opera Day

(image found here)

February 8 is Opera Day. Between you & me, virtually no one on The Dickenbock Report knows anything about opera. Most of what I know is from the Bugs Bunny short What's Opera, Doc? So who knows what we'll report on. I don't know if we're going to actually hear any opera!

You'll have to tune in to find out. That's tomorrow, Sunday February 8, from noon to 1pm on 91.1+107.1fm in Portland, & online everywhere at xray dot fm. Oh no. Dick Dickenbock says he can sing an aria or two!

This Week In Self Help: February 1 + 3

(icon found here)

A quiet week, I guess. My regular shows. No other intrusions onto the airwaves. It went like this:

The Dickenbock Report on XRAY on Sunday February 1 was Robinson Crusoe Day. You can listen to the show on the XRAY web page.

Self Help Radio on KBOO on Tuesday February 3 had the theme "stubbon." You can download the show by clicking here or you can listen to it on the KBOO web page.

Corporate Standardized Programming on KBOO also on Tuesday February 3 featured lots of new releases. You can download the show by clicking here or you can listen to it on the KBOO web page (after Self Help Radio).

& now I stubbornly refuse to write any more about my dumb radio week.

Self Help Radio 020326: Stubborn

This morning I was trying to think of an image for a show with the theme "stubborn" while walking the dogs. & then my dog Stuart refused to move when he saw something in someone's yard. My wife quickly snapped the above picture. Moving a beagle when it is fixated on something is like trying to drag an anchor across a beach. I may required a physical therapist.

Here is the stubborn show. Not the stubbornness show! The stubborn show. I am adamant about that.

You can listen now or whenever by going to the Self Help Radio website or going to the KBOO website. Most everything that happened is listed below.

& for those who stubbornly refuse to listen to my dumb show, I salute you & dedicate this show to you.

Self Help Radio Stubborn Show

"My Stubborn Heart" Onie Wheeler _White Lightning Cherokee_

"Stubborn Heart" Kitty Wells _Winner Of Your Heart_

"Two Stubborn People" Floyd Tillman _Let's Make Memories_

introduction & definitions

"Stubborn Kind Of Fellow" Marvin Gaye _Anthology_

"Stubborn Heart" The Sheppards _The In Crowd (The Story Of Northern Soul)_

"Stubborn" The Charlottes _LoveHappy_

"Stubborn Or Bust" Shrag _Life! Death! Prizes!_

"Stubborn Little Mule" KateGoes _Animals Who Want To Be Other Animals_

interview with listener Jed, who claims to be stubborn

"Stubborn" Emily Easterly _Cole_

"Stubborn Mule Blues" Edgar Jones _Soothing Music For Stray Cats_

"Stubborn Beast" Jolie Holland _Springtime Can Kill You_

"Stubborn Man" The Old Ceremony _Walk On Thin Air_

"Too Stubborn To Fold" Wheels On Fire _Get Famous!_

interview with listener Betty, who had a stubborn mother

"Stubborn Walls" Nicole Bianchet _House Of Silence_

"Stubborn Taurus" Danella Hocevar _Hearts Will Be Broken Here_

"Stubborn Day" Lowly _Heba_

"Stubborn Signs" ShitKid _20/20 ShitKid_

"Ballad Of Two Stubborn Men" The Younger Lovers _Young Brothers_

interview with listener Ned, who raised five stubborn children

"Stubborn Land" Marybeth D'Amico _The Light Inside_

"Stubborn Love" Edie Brickell & New Bohemians _Hunter & The Dog Star_

"Stubborn Vassals" Ivor Cutler _A Flat Man_

"Too Stubborn" The Marshall Tucker Band _A New Life_

"Stubborn Man" The Antlers _Green To Gold_

conclusion & goodbye

"Nyamwanga Kumva! ('Stubborn Until The End!')" The Good Ones _Rwanda Is My Home_

"Stubborn Problems" Femi Kuti _Femi Kuti_

Whither Stubborn?

(image found here)

Although I love radio & I love encouraging people to do radio & I train people to do radio, there's very little more tedious to me than talking about my own radio show. But then I have a blog where I'm supposed to talk about my own radio show. So I now have to do the thing that I don't like doing. I'd rather you listen to the show to see what it's all about. Ah well.

There was a moment early on doing Self Help Radio when I realized all my themes were nouns. (Or gerunds or participles or proper nouns, anyway.) My contrariness was offended. I started doing shows whose themes were phrases, verbs, adjectives, whatever. I can't think of an example offhand, but let's say I had a show & the theme was "swim." Inevitably someone would say, "Why not have the theme be swimming?"

So too this week's theme. Why "stubborn"? Why not "stubbornness"? The short answer is, who cares? The long answer is, there aren't songs that are explicitly about stubbornness but lots of songs that reference being stubborn & stubborn things. Why not "being stubborn" or "stubborn things"? You must agree that's kinda awkward. An adjective being a theme may also be awkward but I've done it long enough that it's no longer awkward to me. But "being stubborn"? Yikes, I'd be more embarrassed than I usually am!

There are lots of stubborn people in my life & one of them is our newest adopted dog, Stuart. He's nine years old & was not raised well. He was very large when we adopted him & now is still large but less substantial - on our first walks he would pant so hard I thought he would have a heart attack, but now he does those walks with a spring in his step. When it comes to food, he cannot be moved. Nothing distracts him. He is the essence of the stubborn creature. This show was inspired by him.

A stubborn show for a stubborn beagle (& any other stubborn being). On KBOO tonight midnight to 2am. 90.7fm in town, kboo dot fm everywhere. KBOO stubbornly refuses to put me on anytime else.

Preface To Stubborn: I Grew Up With A Stubborn Mother

There are so very many stories I can tell you about my mother's stubbornness. She remained stubborn until finally dementia overtook her mind - although my sister thinks there was still some of it in the way she looked at her at the end. But instead of regaling you with stories that show bullheadedness leading to exasperation & frustration, I want to tell you what happened to me because I grew up with a stubborn mother.

& to be sure, I am not a psychologist nor have I spoken to one about this subject. I don't imagine I am discussing anything universal or even general - just my own experience.

Years after I had left home - when being around my mother was something that happened once a year for just a few hours - I got to see my mother being stubborn in the way that she must've been when I was a kid. In effect I could watch it a little more objectively - she had no power or authority over me, I was a visitor in her life at the time, & I felt a little like I was watching something from outside, as through a picture window.

& it made think how she must've been like that many times in my childhood. She would get obsessed about a topic & she would not let you change the subject. She wanted something & she was going to have it. She wanted you to do something & you were going to do it. She would be focused in such a way that precluded any other opinion - in fact, to offer an opinion, to suggest you might disagree, would be as offensive as if you'd yelled at her, or even struck her. I watched with fascination as my mother held on to some dumb thought or opinion or command as if for dear life. & I could see myself, as a child, buckling under that onslaught.

Because I was very attached to my mother as a child. She liked it that way.

My sister Pat - my oldest sister - became a very stubborn woman. I suspect my sister Karin - my youngest sister - has some stubbornness in her but she's a very reasonable person - she is open to discussion. I don't know about my brothers because we're not close, but I'm sure some of them have a stubborn streak. But what happened to me is that I learned to do anything - anything - to keep from having to endure such stubbornness in my life.  It made me prone to be accommodating - I've been accused of being a people pleaser. But I think now it was as a reaction to my mother's stubbornness that I learned to compromise rather than have to be overwhelmed by the power of someone else's stubbornness.

Is this a common reaction to or result of having a stubborn parent? I don't know. I'm kind of afraid to look it up. But it's something that's close to the theme this week. My mother was hella stubborn.

Seriously, I could tell you stories. Remind me to tell you stories. When my mother told stories of her stubbornness, she told them as the hero of those stories. I could only sympathize with the people who were inevitably negatively affected by her intractability. Because I had been one of them, often.

Coming Up Tomorrow On The Dickenbock Report: Robinson Crusoe Day

(image from the Wikipedia)

February 1 is Robinson Crusoe Day. Sure, you've read Daniel Defoe's novel, & you've seen television shows & maybe even movies based on/inspired by it. But have you heard a radio show about Robinson Crusoe? We think not.

Explore Robinson Crusoe tomorrow, February 1, on The Dickenbock Report on XRAY FM - 91.1+107.1fm in Portland, online everywhere at xray dot fm. Maybe you'll even find out what Friday does on a Sunday afternoon!

This Week In Self Help January 23 25 + 27

Really, I was hanging upside down off one of the buildings in downtown Portland when I took that picture. It's totally not a picture I took rightside up then flipped in an image-editing program. That would be dishonest.

Friday January 23rd I subbed a show on XRAY. Played lots of random stuff. You can listen to it on the XRAY website if you want.

Sunday January 25th there was an episode of The Dickenbock Report where I played songs with "around the world" as their theme, since it was the anniversary of Nellie Bly returning on her historic journey around the world, which took her just over 72 days. You can listen to it on the XRAY website if you'd like.

Tuesday January 27th there was an episode of Self Help Radio with the theme "upside." You can listen to it on the Self Help Radio website. & you can listen to it on the KBOO website. If that's something you think you might enjoy.

Also Tuesday January 27th there was an episode of Corporate Standardized Programming wherein I played music by artists we lost in July of last year. You can listen to it on the Self Help Radio website. & you can listen to it on the KBOO website (after Self Help Radio). If you have nothing better to do.

That's what I did this past week. What were you up to?

Self Help Radio 012726: Upside

The downside of this upside show is that there are three upside down songs to each upside song. That affects you not at all but I was hoping I could do an entirely "upside" show. & maybe later an "upside down" show. I totally bet I could do an entire "downside" show!

But let's not dwell on what might've been. Here is the show. There are lots of groovy tunes & goofy interviews & the occasional foibles of someone doing a late night radio show while being a little tired. Same old same old.

Listen to the show on the KBOO website or on the Self Help Radio website. The latter may require the username SHR & password selfhelp to access. Everything that happened on the show is below.

Listening to this show upside is neither recommended nor not recommended.  It's not like I'm an expert or anything.

Self Help Radio Upside Show

"I'm Going Upside Your Head" Jimmy Reed _Jimmy Reed At Soul City_

"Upside Mine" The Chatham Singers _Juju Claudius_

"Looking For The Upside" The Photocopies _Counterintuition_

introduction & definitions

"The Upside" Raavi _The Upside_

"The Upside" Carissa Johnson & The Cure-Alls _The Good EP_

"There Is No Upside" James Yorkston & The Second Hand Orchestra _The Wide, Wide River_

"I Don't Believe You Want To Get Up & Dance (Oops Up Side Your Head)" The Gap Band _Ultimate Collection_

"On The Upside" Xena _Electro Funk Sessions (The Finest Electronic Street Jams From Back In The Day)_

interview with What's The Upside podcast host Chris Talbot

"Upside Down" Bruce Haack _The Electronic Record For Children_

"Upside Down Blues" Curtis Jones _Complete Recorded Works In Chronological Order Volume 4_

"My Smile Is Just A Frown (Turned Upside Down)" Carolyn Crawford _The Complete Motown Singles | Vol. 4: 1964_

"Upside Down" Norman Conquest _The Rubble Collection Volumes 1-10_

"Inside, Outside, Upside Down" Josie & The Pussycats _Stop, Look, & Listen: The Capitol Recordings_

"I Keep Her Picture Hanging Upside Down" Jerry Lewis _The Capitol Collector's Series_

interview with Jenny & Jeremy of Portland's Upside Club

"Upside Down" Magazine _The Correct Use Of Soap_

"Upside Down" The Jesus & Mary Chain _Psychocandy_

"My Brain Is Hanging Upside Down (Bonzo Goes To Bitburg)" Ramones _Animal Boy_

"Inside Out & Upside Down (With You)" The Cramps _Flamejob_

"Hanging Upside Down" David Byrne _Uh-Oh_

interview with my friend Jasper who likes to be upside down

"Upside-Down" Yo La Tengo _May I Sing With Me_

"A Planet Upside Down" Pearl & The Oysters _Planet Pearl_

"World Upside Down" Tears Run Rings _Always, Sometimes, Seldom, Never_

"Upside Down On Brighton Beach" Shirley Lee _Shirley Lee_

"Love In The Upside Down" David Holmes & Raven Violet _Blind On A Galloping Horse_

conclusion & goodbye

"Turn Things Upside Down" The Happy End _Turn Things Upside Down_

"Leaving Everything Upside Down" Gretta Seabird _Cycling EP_

"Downhill (Upside Down Optimist)" Jeremy Ivey _Invisible Pictures_

"Upsidedown" The Mighty Project _Total Football_

Whither Upside?

That is a picture of my grey tabby cat Bluto upside down. He was all of maybe five months old in that picture. But to this day he still enjoys being upside down. You can hold him & he will stretch out until he is upside down. No other creature in the house - nor any cat I have ever owned - enjoys this particular thing.

Anyway. The theme this week is "upside." It could also be "upside down" but I wanted to find songs that specifically mentioned the word "upside." Since an "upside" is a different thing than the word "upside" in the phrase "upside down." Spoiler alert! I found more upside down songs than upside songs. Perhaps I'll discuss it on the show.

& no this isn't telling you why that's the theme because the reason it's the theme is a little dumb. I was looking at the list of themes I have explored (which you can find here) & I noticed I had only explored - in 23 years! - themes that began with the letter U a mere eleven times. What could I explore to add something to that short list? "Up" would have too many choices. My upside down? But then I thought - let's see if there are any songs just using the word "upside." There couldn't be a downside to that!

The upside show airs in this upside down world tonight from midnight to 2am on KBOO - 90.7fm in town, kboo dot fm everywhere. Maybe there's an upside to all this.

Preface To Upside: Upside Down Nation

That picture was taken in Fort Worth, Texas, a lifetime ago. Or maybe just eight years. It seems too long ago. Every day we walked with the dogs in our neighborhood, & our walk took us past an elementary school, Ridgelea Hills Elementary. Sometimes our walk took us behind the school, in the area where the children played/had recess. One day - apparently March 11, 2018 - I saw that someone had taken apart some monkey bars - that's what we used to call them - & turned the thing upside down.

A year after that, my wife would accept a job in Portland & my life would change again, but I had no idea that would happen when I took this picture. Then as now, I did my best to find joy where I could - that usually involves radio, my pets, & my wife - despite what is happening in the world. I have lived through the Reagan presidency, as well as two Bushes, & was living through Trump One at the time that picture was taken. It has been exhausting but nothing could have prepared me for the first three weeks of this year.

This morning on The Dickenbock Report, I said something like this: Please don't think because I try to have fun with this ridiculous radio show that I'm not aware of the creeping fascism that threatens our lives. I try to have fun but it's hard when goons who can't even pass an open-book test murder nurses in our streets. Please know I'm sad & angry & know this cannot stand.

What's true is I feel helpless too & don't want to be like my German grandparents were in the 1930s when Germany went full fascist. My mother used to tell me about people in her village disappearing but also that the economy was great & my grandfather could buy a car for the very first time. I don't want the fact that I allowed to make stupid radio shows to be a freedom I have at the expense of others. I am carrying within me an alarming amount of guilt.

The people in Minnesota are so strong, the proud boy gestapo so despicable. We marched in the No Kings March & the stations I am at are proudly anti-fascist. But I do wish I could do more.

If you notice any hesitancy - any embarrassment - any small lack of commitment to my programs - it's because seeing my fellow citizens stand up to a mad king's private racist army while I make dumb noises into a microphone seems like a betrayal. & yet there's really little else I can do.

My apologies. But also my gratitude if you understand. Because I'll keep making my dumb radio shows.

Coming Up Tomorrow On The Dickenbock Report: Nellie Bly Around The World

(image from Wikipedia)

On January 25, 1890 - almost 136 years go - journalist Nellie Bly complete her journey around the world - in just over 72 days! For this anniversary, The Dickenbock Report will talk about that impressive feat & listen to music about all things "around the world."

That's tomorrow - Sunday - from noon to 1pm on XRAY FM - 91.1+107.1fm in Portland, xray dot fm everywhere. All around the world!

This Week In Self Help: January 16 18 + 20

(image found here)

Yeah that Time Magazine cover is weird isn't it. I lived through George HW Bush's presidency & could not care any fucking less about him so I am not nor will ever be curious enough to find out why he was Time's "Men Of The Year" - the truth is, he was about the least "manly" President this country has ever had, although the baby currently in the White House comes very close. I only picked the image because he was the 1990 "Men Of The Year" & 1990 played a role in this week's radio stuff I did.

A week ago - Friday January 16th - I was on The Songcircle on KBOO. I played lots of new releases. You can listen to that show on the KBOO website or on the Self Help Radio website.

Sunday January 18th on The Dickenbock Report on XRAY I played songs about x-rays because of some anniversary involving x-rays. It was just an excuse to play songs about x-rays on a station called XRAY. You can listen to that show on the XRAY website or on the Self Help Radio website.

Monday January 20th on Self Help Radio on KBOO I played lots of my favorite music from 1990. You can listen to that show on the KBOO website or on the Self Help Radio website.

Also Monday January 20th on Corporate Standardized Programming on KBOO I played lots more new releases. You can listen to that show on the KBOO website (after Self Help Radio) or on the Self Help Radio website.

Remember! Username SHR password selfhelp! It may come in handy!

Seriously though, I hope that cover upset HW Bush. He was such a dumb douchenozzle.

Self Help Radio 012026: 1990

(images found at Discogs)

The time in that book when Proust ate a cookie & it made him remember his life? If that book were about me, it would be me hearing a song & its associations carrying me into the past. I have memories related to so many of the releases I played on this show. I guess the songs themselves become memories. & maybe they become over time as untrustworthy as memories.

Anyway. Here's this week's show, my birthday show, my favorite music from 1990. Some of it, anyway. There was way too much. You might know a little more about me knowing these are things I love. More than likely though if we both like them, we'll know we might have more in common.

You can listen to the show at the KBOO website or at the Self Help Radio website. At the latter, you may need a username+password to access. Try SHR + selfhelp. Everything I played on the show is listed below. Everything I said on the show, well, you have to listen for that.

Today I start year 58!

Self Help Radio 1990 Show

"Spoken Word" Ed's Redeeming Qualities _More Bad Times_

"Down To The Well" Pixies _Bossanova_

"Oh!" The Breeders _Pod_

"Diane (Excerpt)" Kyle MacLachlan _"Diane..." The Twin Peaks Tapes Of Agent Cooper_1990 cassette)

"Morality Is Vanity" Momus _Monsters Of Love: Singles 1985-90_

"The Weeping Song" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _The Good Son_

"November Spawned A Monster" Morrissey _November Spawned A Monster_

"Never Enough" The Cure _Never Enough_

"My Finest Hour" The Sundays _Reading, Writing, & Arithmetic_

"Crawl" The Wedding Present _3 Songs_

"Do You Have To Break My Heart" The Darling Buds _Crawdaddy_

"Don't Ask Why" My Bloody Valentine _Glider_

"I Fell In Love Last Night" Heavenly _I Fell In Love Last Night_

"Forever Changed" Lou Reed & John Cale _Songs For Drella_

"One Word" Brian Eno & John Cale _Wrong Way Up_

"Telephone Thing" The Fall _Extricate_

"Out Of My Mind On Dope & Speed" Julian Cope _Skellington_

"Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes)" The Siddeleys _Alvin Lives (In Leeds): Anti Poll Tax Trax_

"No Blue Skies" Lloyd Cole _Lloyd Cole_

"Baby Stones" Robert Forster _Danger In The Past_

"Beatles & The Stones" The House Of Love _The House Of Love_

"Fifty-Fifty Clown" Cocteau Twins _Heaven Or Las Vegas_

"Miss Otis Regrets/Just One Of Those Things" Kirsty MacColl & The Pogues _Red Hot + Blue_

"Sweet Jane" The Blue Aeroplanes _World View Blue_

"De-Luxe" Lush _Mad Love EP_

"She's On Drugs" The Jazz Butcher _Cult Of The Basement_

Whither 1990?

a self-portrait from 1990

On my birthdays I play my favorite music from a year in my life. On the first episode of Self Help Radio that aired around the time of my birthday, I played music from the year I was born, 1968. That was in 2003. I have made it up to 1990.

Like last year, I have found so much music from that year that I love. I will undoubtedly fill up some other shows on KBOO's schedule late at night playing that leftover music. For tonight's show, I am playing music I loved in 1990 as it happened - mostly. There are a few artists that became important to me later whose work of that year means a great deal to me now. But the vast majority of the music I'll play tonight you would have found me listening to in 1990, when I was a mere 22 years old.

Music has always been important to me. It's how I process my feelings. It connects me to more memories than anything - except maybe trauma. It has been & remains my salvation. Since I was in a relationship in 1990 (albeit a one-sided one), that was the first time in my life that music took a back seat in my head & my heart. I didn't have ready access to my music either, for reasons I explained yesterday. & my "girlfriend" didn't like some of the music I liked, & was unhappy if I played it around her - so of course I didn't play it around her.

It's not that I'm saying I didn't need music in the same way as I had previously - I just didn't think I needed music in the same way as I had previously. It's a mistake that perhaps many people make. When that relationship came to its inevitable tragic end, music was there for me. In many ways, it was all I had. But that wouldn't happen until the end of 1991, so we'll save that for next year.

Please enjoy a selection of music that I truly, madly, deeply love which was released in 1990. That's tonight, midnight to 2am, on KBOO - 90.7 fm here in Portland, kboo dot fm everywhere.

& by the way, this is only the third time I've had one of these birthday shows on my actual birthday!

Preface To 1990: My Twenty-Second Year

what I looked like in 1990

On January 20, 1990, I turned 22 years old. I should have been right about to graduate college*, but because of various things - some of which I detailed on this blog around this time last year - I had decided to take a semester off. I had gotten a twenty-hour-a-week gig at a department at the University of Texas called originally the Language Lab, but now called Liberal Arts Media Center** & would also work, when school was on, in the actual Language Lab nineteen hours a week. It was enough to live on, & I needed a rest from the hellish last six months of 1989. Again, detailed in the post linked above.

At the time, it seemed to me I had a good relationship with a woman who, time would tell, didn't really love me & perhaps never even liked me. But we spent all of our time together so codependence helped me delude myself & - importantly for the relationship - kept her around. We spent all our time together. Her parents had not allowed her to date me - though she was in college - so we weren't allowed to live together, though we basically did. I believe in the summer of 1990 she found a new place to live, & I found a room in a duplex. Since I don't want to repeat myself I'll just say I wrote about that in this blog post here. Since we lived together anyway, I gave up the rented room, & had to live for the next year & a half in a place where I couldn't keep much of my stuff & couldn't answer the phone. The things you do for one-sided love!

Thinking about that time now I note that I didn't have many friends & the people who were in my life then are either absent or peripheral to my life now. (It's really just five or six people.) I did my best to help my "girlfriend" with her schoolwork - I really would do anything for her - & I pretended that I would one day be a writer. I wrote lots of short stories, none of which were any good - & I knew that then. I didn't take any creative writing classes & I never showed them to anyone because I knew they weren't any good. I myself didn't like them.

Hunh. I don't think I've ever admitted that to myself before. I myself didn't like the things I wrote. Maybe I kept writing because I wanted to somehow prove to myself it wasn't true. You might ask when did I stop writing, & I answer is, radio. I stopped wanting to be a writer when I could be somewhat creative on the radio. But - should I have said "spoiler alert" earlier? - but spoiler alert again, that wouldn't happen for four more years.

As for my memories of other parts of my life - I'm sure I talked to my mother from time-to-time. I definitely visited my hometown of Garland once or twice a year - probably on holidays. My mother had worked at a convenience store owned by a man who I guess was her boyfriend but when they sold the store, they sort of broke up - it's a long story & if I haven't told it here, I may one day. She moved into a little one-bedroom apartment - where she would live for tweny-five years - & got a job doing food prep at a Jack In The Box. When I came home, she gave me frozen jalapeño poppers she'd stolen from the fast food place. I saw my siblings around this time but we weren't close. I often didn't have money so didn't get them presents for Christmas & usually didn't want the presents they gave me. That I have no memories of Garland or my family from that year suggests that I didn't think much of them.

Sometime a while back I was looking at some lists of bands who visited Austin in the early 90s & I was amazed how much I had missed. Much of this had to do with money & some of it had to do with my "girlfriend," who could be very unpleasant about seeing shows with bands/musicians she didn't like. I was very excited to see Lloyd Cole, for example, at this lovely venue called Liberty Lunch which doesn't exist today, but when we got there, she decided she didn't like the music. "Why would you bring me to this place?" she asked me, & made us leave***. In any event, I don't think I saw a lot of bands that year.

As to my relationship with music in 1990, it was still deeply important to me, but somewhat sidelined by my relationship, which took up a lot of my energy & attention. I'll have some thoughts about that tomorrow. I did return to school for the fall semester 1990, but have very little memory of my schooling then.

What I can say is, that if you had met me that year, it would have seemed like I was in a good & stable  relationship & was somewhat happy. I'm not good at happy, but I was in love & I was willing to do anything for the one I loved. I was the same with friends. I was helpful because I loved to help. But holy shit looking back now I can't believe I was ever so young. I was so young & I had read so much & learned so much & heard so much music & yet was so very fucking dumb.

Seriously, I am amazed I didn't just fall down a hole & somehow die of a stubbed toe or something.

* You know what I missed by not graduating with my 1990 class? George HW Bush gave the commencement speech. Maybe that's when my life started to go wrong.

** When joking about this name with my co-workers, I admitted I was sad they hadn't decided on the Center for Liberal Arts Media, so we could call the place The CLAM. As it was, they pronounced the acronym "lam-see."

*** I can't find the date for this show on any website but I did discover he returned in 1995 & for some strange reason I didn't see him then. I wonder what stopped me that time?