Preface To Sorrow: Happy Birthday America!

(I found this on Tumblr somewhere.)

Over on Facebook, where they let you relive your "on this day" memories, I noticed a pattern: for a few years there, I would say, on the Fourth Of July, "Happy Birthday, America.  You're old."  Or some semblance of that.

As this country continues to look & act less & less like I always thought it would, I feel like I should continue that tradition as long as we have a country, which may for all I know not be long.  So:

Happy birthday, America!  Wow you're old.

Low In High School

On Facebook last week I succumbed to one of those "do this & tag your friends to do it too" things that were way more popular in the early days of Facebook then they are now.  I was waiting for my wife to return from Jazzercise & didn't want to start doing something (listening to a record, picking up a book) that could be interrupted if I were really into it.

The task: "Tell us about your final year of high school."  So I did.

Year: 1985-1986

1. Did you know your spouse?
Nope. She was in California, in elementary school.

2. Did you skip school?
Probably. My mother worked so if my little brother & I didn't want to, we'd make an excuse about being sick & she couldn't check on us.

3. What kind of car did you have?
A 1976 Ford Granada. Already on its last legs, er, wheels.

4. It's FRIDAY night where are you?
Probably driving around with my pal Joe listening to music & talking about life.

5. What kind of job did you have?
I worked at a Mobil gas station for half the year, & sometimes at my family's convenience store.

6. Were you a party animal?
Ha ha ha no.

7. Were you considered a jock?
Ha ha ha no.

8. Were you in choir, band or orchestra?
Ha ha ha no.

9. Were you a nerd?
I spent all my money on records & comic books. What do you think?

10. Did you get suspended?
Nope, I was a good boy.

11. Can you sing the fight/school song?
Yes. Off key.*

12. Where did you eat?
I wasn't a vegetarian yet, so probably fast food crap.**

13. Where was your high school?
Garland, Texas. It's still there as far as I can tell.

14. What was your school mascot?
A racist Civil War Colonel.***

15. If you could go back and do it over again, would you?
God, no.

16. Do you still talk to the person you went to prom with?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha I didn't go to prom.

17.Are you planning on going to the next high school reunion?
I haven't been to any of them, & don't really talk to anyone from my high school.

18. Are you still in contact with people from high school?
Not really. A couple, one who left in ninth grade, another who was in the grade before mine. I am surprised when I look back how few people I knew back then, but I know so few people now so I guess it's not that much of a surprise.

19. What happened to question 19? Am I supposed to make something up? Okay, how about this: do you know if anyone you went to high school is dead now? ****
Yes! There's an entire web site for my school (not just my class) called "Fallen Colonels" & I occasionally check there to see if anyone I know has died. But of course I didn't really know anyone, so if I recognize anyone, it's just a name. I think we've lost ten out of 435 but I haven't checked recently.*****

20. Do you know where your high school sweetheart is?
Ha ha ha ha ha I didn't have a high school sweetheart.******

21. What was your favorite subject?
I used to hang out in the library with a couple of friends during lunch, that seemed to be the most fun I had.*******

22. Do you still have your class ring?
I would never have even thought about buying a class ring.********

23. Do you still have your yearbook?
Yeah, in a box in a closet.

Interesting?  No?  Notes on my answers below.

* It's pretty simple: "All hail to thee, to our alma mater sing, long may your power & glory ring, forever true, our hearts will be, our school South Garland High, all hail to thee."  The last "all hail to thee" was shouted with forceful pointing of the outstretched hand.  You can see it here.
** I'm embarrassed to say I spent some of my disposable income on junk food, especially Jack-In-The-Box.  If you told my seventeen year old self that in a year he'd be a vegetarian, he would've laughed.

*** I went into this more a few years back on the blog.

**** The original Facebook thing didn't have a question 19.  I don't know if the previous person omitted it or if there never was one.

***** The site is

****** My first kiss happened at the tail-end of high school, but I'm friends with her on Facebook & I think she might be a little offended if I called her my high-school sweetheart.  So she probably wasn't.

******* I was fond of English & history, though.  I went on to major in English in college.

******** My mother got a class ring thing in the mail & seemed to want to buy me one.  I told her I would never wear it & she should save the money.  I think I hurt her feelings.  I don't know if any of my siblings (four of whom graduated from the same school) ever got class rings.

A Burgh Of Pitts

That's where I was most of last week: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.  Why, you may ask?  The wife had business there.  I came along because it's nice to go to places you've never been to, isn't it?

Here's a picture of the town from the Wikipedia entry about Pittsburgh:

Yeah, I took a bunch of pictures of the town, but when I get around to looking at them, they'll probably be on the the Self Help Radio Tumblr page in a few months.  The pics I like.  They probably won't be too touristy.

One thing I realized is that - I should've realized this before - I am very lucky I married someone who's as much of a foodie as I am.  We ate at these places: B52 Cafe, Onion Maiden, & Apteka, to mention the three great vegan places we went to.  We found vegan options in other places, all delicious.

Mainly we haunted the museums but did manage some walks through some neighborhoods.  It reminded me a very little of Huntington (although I must stress except for mainly the hills & trees, nothing about the place felt Appalachian), a very lot of Cincinnati, with maybe some of the industrial spirit of Chicago.  I like that it's close to Columbus.  There's a part of me that wishes I had discovered the city a long time before now.

One sad thing is that I used to have a friend who lived in Pittsburgh but I lost touch with her, & very surprisingly, especially since we met online, she has almost no online presence.  But also, my last email exchange with her was like fourteen years ago.  I almost went to the address she used to live at but thought better of it.  Anyway.  It's strange to be in a place where you know (or you think you know) someone you've been friends with lives but because of stupid time & other things you've lost touch & you can't find them.  But I suppose it must've been worse in the past.

It's crazy, I'd love to go back but also there are so many places I've just never been so shouldn't I go there first?  I think so.  But thank you, Pittsburgh.  I'm sorry I never paid much attention to you.  It makes me wonder what other places I should be paying attention to.

Self Help Radio 062918: There Is No Self Help Radio 062918

Get it?

Oh crap I ruined it.

Damn it all.

Whither - Oh There's No Show This Week, Sorry

It's true, I'm not anywhere I can put a show together but I'm elsewhere at the moment.  Well, I'm here, because where else would I be but it's not the here that I'm usually at.  "Where you are is where you're at," right?  Or something like that?  I'm not really where I generally am, is the point I'm trying to make.  So, no show.

Also, no "whither" entry for the blog.  Except this is...  I mean, this would be...  Well, poops.

There are some things I'd like to get off my chest while you're here.  Like, air travel.  What a mess.  Wait!  Where are you going?  I have some solutions!  Wait!  Wait!

Poops!

Stop, Plug A Minute

In a few minutes, I'll going somewhere else for a couple of days (it's why there's no show this week) so I thought that I'd spend a second with a short list of links that you may use to occupy your time if you regularly expect a Self Help Radio once a week.  I know no one like that exists but if it's all right with you, I'll just pretend.

You can listen to the radio station where I deejay in Dallas, KNON.  It's a great community radio station with a lot of different shows, which you can see on the schedule.

If something there strikes your fancy, you can sample any show at Radio Free America.  (That's also where you can sample the last two weeks of the show I do.)

You may also enjoy the two stations that aired Self Help Radio in Kentucky, the student-run WRFL & the community-based WLXU.  It seems like it was only yesterday there'd be a new Self Help Radio on Wednesday nights in Lexington - but it's been like two months.

Of course, there are well over fifty old episodes of Self Help Radio (all of the shows from the past year, for instance) on the Self Help Radio website.  Remember the username SHR & the password selfhelp to listen.  Most of the shows are from the WLXU days but some shows go back way into the WRFL & even KOOP past.

It would be swell if you'd follow the show on Twitter & like the show on Facebook, & look at dumb pictures I took on Tumblr.  I imagine there would be some diverting moments there.  Or not?

That's all.  I'll miss you this week.  But I'll be back next week with a show about sorrow.  Because I feel the need to be cheery in your presence.

But Maybe Listen To More Self Help Radio?

(Image, of course, from Toothpaste For Dinner.)

Emails I Delete & Never Open

Just now - I suppose it happens every Monday about this time - I got an email from Tumblr that spotlights like five different Tumblr blogs.  It says something like "The Five Blogs Of Your Future," or "Your Blog Cravings, Satisfied."  I never read it, I just delete it.  I mean, maybe I can unsubscribe from it if I open & read it?  But naw.  I just delete it.

My brain just asked me, what if your blog were on that list?  The chances that the Self Help Radio Tumblr Blog would end up on a list like that are vanishingly small, what with its 29 followers who never like any of my photos.  Maybe a Tumblr blog for a radio show shouldn't be putting up photos like it's a fucking Instagram account but anyway.

Or wait, what if it had been on that list previously, & anyone who saw it was like, "Oh shit, worst Tumblr blog ever"?  That would be an appropriate response, but again, it's so very unlikely.

It's not just Tumblr notifications I delete.  I delete stuff from Paypal, from charities I've given to (or the ones that I took surveys for that were designed to just get on their mailing lists), from newspapers I've created accounts for.  I'm certain all those have unsubscribe buttons, & occasionally I do unsubscribe, but mostly I just delete without reading.

It's funny, I don't pay attention to those emails but I do like to read the emails from my spam mailbox.  There's one spam I get regularly which says "subscribe from all our lists here."  Maybe that's why I think it doesn't matter if I unsubscribe from any lists - it's all a scam.

But confidentially, I suspect the reason that I don't mind getting the emails is that I don't really get any emails anymore.  It's nice to know my inbox is getting some action.  It makes me feel bad for all those folks I never bothered to write back to twenty years ago or more.  I thought I'd always have correspondents!  What hubris!

Self Help Radio 062218: Glitter

(Original glitter image here.)

Crap, this show is gonna get everywhere & you're not going to be able to clean it all up.  You'll be finding little pieces of it in your hair, on your skin, in the carpet, damn it, it's all over the cat.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!

Can I just say, though, it's totally worth it?  Everyone likes to feel sparkly for a little while & glitter helps you feel that way without MDMA or, you know, fire.  The show features music about glitter, about things that glitter, & about glittering.  It's as well rounded as possible.  Plus!  A new song written for the show by Drug Boyfriend & Holy Worm down in Texas as well as interviews with the owner & CEO of Glitter's Party Superstore, Elliot Kliffnerd, & with the biggest fan of the 2001 Mariah Carey movie Glitter, Mary Curtay.  Plus!  A special exposé (written by someone else but read by me) about the dark side of glitter!  I'm telling you, it's worth it.

Download or listen now at Self Help Radio dot net.  Pay attention to the username & password info on the page.  What's in the show (it's almost two hours long!) is listed below.

Have you tried a cloth?  A vacuum cleaner isn't going to worth.  Maybe a slightly wet cloth, or paper towels?  This shit's everywhere.

"Glitter" Pinkshinyultrablast _Everything Else Matters_
"Glitter & Twang" Tullycraft _Beat Surf Fun_
"Glitter & Gold" The Turtles _It Ain't Me Babe_

introduction & definitions

"Love & Glitter, Hot Days & Muzik" Helen Love _Love & Glitter, Hot Days & Muzik_
"Mark & John (Bring On The Glitter Kids)" The Secret History _Desolation Town_
"Glitter" Eddie Gossling _Fresh Brewed Eddie_
"Glitter Freeze (feat. Mark E. Smith)" Gorillaz _Plastic Beach_
"Glitter Gulch" Elvis Costello _King Of America_

interview with Elliot Kliffnerd of Glitter's

"Different Glitter" The Inquisitions _Different Glitter_
"Mekong Glitter" Insecure Men _Insecure Men_
"Glitter In Their Eyes" Patti Smith _Gung Ho_
"I Saw The Glitter On Your Face" Denim _Back In Denim_
"Glitterships" Sunbutler _Sunbutler_

special report: the dark side of glitter

"Glittering Prize" Simple Minds _New Gold Dream (81-82-83-84)_
"The Glittering Prizes" Television Personalities _They Could Have Been Bigger Than The Beatles_
"Glitter" John Heffron _Good Kid, Bad Adult_
"Glittering Girl" The Who _Sell Out_
"Glittering Dream" The Minders _It's A Bright Guilty World_

interview with Mariah Carey fan Mary Curtay

"Glitter (& Not Gold)" Big Joe _High Explosion: DJ Sounds From 1970-1976_
"All That Glitters" Hi-Life International _Travel & See_
"All That Glitters Ain't Gold" Spinners _Pick Of The Litter_
"Everything That Glitters (Ain't Always Gold)" DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince _And In This Corner..._
"All That Glitters" The Blow Monkeys _If Not Now, When?_

conclusion & goodbyes

"Glitter Parade! (feat. Rahim Quazi)" Drug Boyfriend & Holy Worm _Glitter Parade!_
"Glittery Joe" Bentcousin _Everybody's Got One_
"Glitter & Be Gay (from Candide)" Barbara Cook _Smithsonian Collection Of American Musical Theater, Vol. 4: Shows, Songs, & Stars_

post mortem

Whither Glitter?

(Image from here but don't be a dick & use that website please.)

An entire show about glitter?  What?  How?  It's true!

Look, I know what you're thinking: Gary's not into arts & crafts.  He's never been to a rave.  & that one time he wore eyeliner it was disastrous.  But this show isn't all about me, you know.  Sometimes it's about what it's about.  & I think that's pretty deep.

As I've doubtless said before, anyone can do a radio show about broad topics, like cars or dogs, but when you've done a theme-based show for as long as I have, you find yourself needing a challenge now & then.  A show about something you just can't imagine people would have written many songs about.  Like cheese fries.  Or the Periodic Table of the Elements.  Or glitter.

& yeah, it's not just going to be about that kind of glitter, the one in the photo above.  No, we'll be exploring the verb "to glitter" as well as its adjectival version "glittering."  & all that glitters, I've discovered, does not make a gold record.  But there are some awesome glitter songs.  You'll see.  Or hear.  You'll hear.

The show will be available tomorrow at noon.  Friday at noon.  That's tomorrow.  At the show's website.  Like usual.

Do not, I repeat, do not send people glitter.  It's mean!

Preface To Glitter: Dental Problems

Today I had my tooth prepared for a crown.  It's not a king, it's in bad shape.  The crown is supposed to protect it.  The experience lasted for two hours, mainly because dentists see other patients in a staggered manner to maximize their time & make themselves more $$$$.

The people helping - all of them female - I want to say there were three of them - they were pretty indistinguishable.  I know one of this helped the dentist - she might also have been the one who made the temporary crown - & another one took x-rays & another one actually scanned my mouth.  Like, scanned it to a computer.  I took a picture but I'm too lazy to upload it here.  Also, my teeth are terrible.  I know you'd judge me for that.

Anyway, I told a couple of jokes.  My wife says they're "Dad Jokes."  I prefer to think of them as more Groucho Marxian.  Like, at the end, I told one of the women (the dentist split as soon as he was done), "I don't want to alarm you, but I will not be giving this spa a good review in Yelp."  She then told me she went to an actual spa the past weekend.  She reported that it was nice, but weird.

This wasn't my first dental surgery nor my first crown.  But I never forget how weird it is to:

1) Have people constantly put their hands in your mouth.
2) Have someone stick needles into your gums.
3) Wait for your mouth to un-numb & then just be sore.

But the weirdest thing was, in my alone time - to wait for the gums to numb, to wait for the temporary crown, to wait for the dentist to get back to me - I started thinking about weird sexual practices.  Bear with me.  I was thinking, there are people who get off on pain, right?  & there are people who - even if it's not entirely sexual - I mean, I never made it through that J.G. Ballard book Crash, it made me kinda sick to read - anyway, some people like to be injured & probably like to have surgical procedures done on them, so surely there are people who find a visit to the dentist to be erotic.  Right?

My brain said to me, "Sexual dentistry," & I started giggling.  One of the assistants walked in & asked what was so funny.  I couldn't say.

But I think it would've made a great Marvin Gaye record, or something.

Ways To Help

On the Tuesday Morning Blend I spoke today about organizations helping the children & families being separated & detained under this administration's "zero tolerance" policy, & listed some organizations who are trying to help. Here are the ones I mentioned:

The ACLU
The Refugee & Immigrant Center for Education & Legal Services (RAICES)
The Texas Civil Rights Project
The Asylum Seeker Advocacy Project
Pueblo Sin Fronteras

I also mentioned that it may be worth it to reach out to your representatives & let them know how you feel.  If you live in Texas, your senators are:
Ted Cruz & John Cornyn.

If you don't know who your representative is, you can find him or her at this link.

I did not mention this, but noticed it later: a way to contribute to many organizations at once, with links to their websites so you can see what they do, it's
at this link.

Tonight I see the AP has found the places where they're keeping the youngest detainees.  It just keeps getting more & more awful.

So maybe we can help in some way.

Is There A Word...

...for someone who needs their opinion to be accepted in such a way that it's taken as fact?

An English word, I mean, not a German word.  Of course there's a German word for that.

It seems to me this phenomenon is getting worse & worse.  Your reputation will actually lower in someone's estimation if you don't share their opinion.  Indeed, they'll cite other people's opinions - usually by linking to some online opinion piece - as evidence of the unimpeachable nature of their opinion.

Except opinions can't ever be objectively true.  That's the nature of opinion.  At best (I feel like I've said this before, so I probably have) an opinion can be more informed than another, but if you like something, how can I say it's not good?  In the case of art, music, whatever, ratings are a democratic process.  Hell, it's because of the weird sense that people have that the things they like aren't appreciated that we get the term "guilty pleasure."  If you like something, you shouldn't feel guilty for enjoying it.  I for one have reasons why I like all the things I like.

Why am I talking about this today?  Because someone told me that if I didn't like soccer (you know, the World Cup is going on), I didn't like sex.  What the what?

Apparently a common complaint about soccer from people who enjoy other sports is that there's just not enough scoring.  That was the background for the comment.  It was assumed that I didn't like soccer because of low scoring.

When I brought up the fact that it's actually baseball, not soccer, that people use as a sports metaphor for sex (you know, getting to first base, etc.), the person had to concede but said, "They score more in baseball though!"

The point is, why do you need your liking of a sport to be such that anyone who dislikes has to have some issue - not liking sex? - which makes their dislike of it a problem?  I don't pay attention to any sportsball.  Anyone who listens to music as much as I do can't imagine spending three hours watching anyone do any one thing.  (Well, I guess if it's a superhero movie - but, you know, nerds like me don't watch sports as a rule anyway.)

If there's a word for this, I'd love to know it - it's such a crazy thing that humans as a rule desperately need their opinions validated.  It reminds me of a certain podcast host who, every time he has a musician on, he always asks them if they like records or artists he likes.  I guess it's great when someone you admire approves of your taste in music or movies or whatever, but the truth is, it doesn't make your opinion more correct or objectively true.

Like I once tweeted: "You have good taste in music = I like the same music you like."

Self Help Radio 061518: Vibrations

(You do know Suloni Robertson designed this logo, don't you?)

Oh my!  I've been vibrating all week & now I think I can vibrate through anything!  Like walls!  Or time!  Or...  What's something else I can vibrate through?  Think!  Before I stop vibrating & move on to another radio show!

One hopes this show isn't too vibratory for you.  People these days like to be a little calm.  But you know, inside this show, you'll discover how vibrations work, what they do, how they're used (for naughty & not naughty purposes), & you'll get to hear lots of songs about different kinds of "vibes," from good & positive to bad & negative.  You may even enjoy yourself!  Which I know is a tall order.

Listen to the show now at the Self Help Radio website. You can find it directly at if you're impatient.  You'll need a username & a password, that would be SHR & selfhelp.  Want to know what's on the long (120 minute!) show?  It's noted below.

[Insert weird vibration noises here.]

"Vibration" Dorothy Collins _Experiment Songs (From Ballads For The Age Of Science)_
"Vibrations" The Royal Jokers _Swing For A Crime_
"Vibrations" Lancelot Link & The Evolution Revolution _Lancelot Link & The Evolution Revolution_

Introduction, definitions, & the Science-O-Tron 7000

"Good Vibrations" Langley Schools Music Project _Innocence & Despair_
"I'm Sending Vibrations" The Webb People _The Detroit Funk Vaults_
"Sweet Vibrations" Latimore _Hit The Rhodes, Jack_
"Sad Vibrations" The Second Summers _Psychedelic Archaeology, Vol. 6_
"Positive Vibrations" The Soft Boys _Underwater Moonlight_

Interview with vibrator designer Rosco Sunday

"Vibration (featuring Jon Auer)" Drug Boyfriend & Holy Worm _Vibration_
"Negative Vibe" Barnabys _Augustus Loop_
"Yawn Vibes" The Bats _The Law Of Things_
"I Got The Vibes" Jo Armstead _Do The Crossover Baby_
"Killin' The Vibe (Feat. Panda Bear)" Ducktails _Killin' The Vibe EP_

Interview with Sri Dr David Fruchter

"Vibrations" Zap Mama _ReCreation_
"Sweet Vibe" Rasputin Stash _The Devil Made Me Do It_
"Bad Vibes & Evil Thoughts" Sonny & The Sunsets _Tomorrow Is Alright_
"Vibrating Vegetable" The Rip-Off Artist _Open Up & Say...@<%_|^[!]_
"Vibrate On" Augustus Pablo Meets The Upsetter _Lee Scratch Perry: Arkology_

Interview with Mr Vibrato

"Radiation Vibe" Hem _No Word From Tom_
"Love Vibrations" Kim Weston _Kim Kim Kim_
"Smell The Vibe" Beardyman _I Done A Album_
"Vibrate" Mr. Scruff _Trouser Jazz_
"Vibes & Stuff" A Tribe Called Quest _The Low End Theory_

Closing & goodbyes

"New Vibration" Damien Youth _The Man Who Invented God_
"Bad Vibrations" The Crimea _Tragedy Rocks_
"Bad Vibes" Brilliant Colors _Walk Into The World 7"_
"Where's The Vibe" 10 Cents _The Patio Collection, Vol. 2_

Post mortem

Whither Vibrations?

(Image from here.)

Why in the world is this week's Self Help Radio about vibrations?  Come with me on a journey of despair & inspiration!

You may recall that I also do a show on KNON in Dallas called the Tuesday Morning Blend.  You may also recall how the delightful station it's on must needs raise money on the regular because we don't got no corporate overlords.  You may not recall but you may suspect that I am terrible at raising money.  All of this is true, true, true.

One of the ways I attempted to encourage people to donate during the most recent pledge drive was to try to make themes à la Self Help Radio.  (That didn't go well.)  But one of the themes I thought might resonate in folks was playing a tribute to David Bowie.  Forgetting all about the disastrous pledge drive (which I can't), I was charmed again listening to the Langley Schools Music Project's recording of "Space Oddity."  It prompted me to revisit the entire record.

When I got through it, & was mulling it over, I thought about their version of the song "Good Vibrations" & wondered if there were a lot of good songs about vibrations.  & when I do that, it means I am thinking about a theme for a show.  & then I started actively looking for songs about vibrations.

& here we are!  Or here we'll be - the vibrations program will be available tomorrow at noon central.  Full of mostly good vibes.  I mean, it's me, there will be some bad vibes.  It's why cats love me.

Tomorrow! Noon! Self Help Radio dot net! Watch this space!

Preface To Vibrations: Never Been In An Earthquake

Yeah.  I never been in an earthquake.  No.

& never been in a hurricane neither, nor a tsunami as well.

These days there are volcanoes & there are floods, lotsa floods, never been in neither or either.

Yeah, there was that time, driving through New Mexico, a cop made us pull off the highway & park in some truckstop parking lot & wait out a dust storm.  It was pretty intense.  So.  Been in a dust storm sure.

The car didn't vibrate though.  It got dusty.

& yeah, there was a time I drove through Kansas in the summer when butterflies were everywhere & when we stopped the grill of the car was covered in butterfly carcasses.  Pretty wings flapping gruesomely in the mild breeze.  That was almost biblical in its awfulness.

Never been trapped in cold & almost froze to death.  A blizzard, that's the word I'm looking for.  Never been in a blizzard, nor an avalanche.  Wasn't ever at the foot of the mountain & an avalanche came tumbling down.  Bet that would vibrate!

What have I survived?  If you wanna call it survival.  Heavy rains.  Some hail.  Mild discomfort.

When I was a kid, I am told, I don't remember, we pulled off the side of the road when a tornado was spotted.  I don't remember seeing a tornado.  But I guess I survived.

There'll be a time when I won't survive, that's true.  But it'll probably be as unexciting as my life.

Wherewhatwherehowwhere?

Like many fanciful people, I once imagined I had talent as a writer.  Here's a fun fact: last year someone asked to read something I had written.  I sent this person a short story I wrote like twenty-five years ago & they never spoke to me again.  That's some terrible writing right there!

Boy I sure liked to pretend though.  In ninth grade I had a small group of friends - Scott, Mike, & Robert were their names - I was closest with Scott, I was friendly with Mike, & Robert did not like me & just wanted to hang with Scott - but to make them laugh I wrote a series of stories - chapters, really, in a novel I would never finish - in which we were superspies in a James Bond-like world.  The "novel" was full of inside jokes, & people we knew in school - people who probably had no idea I existed - were cast as foils or villains or such things.  I remember that Mike's older sister was some kind of sinister malefactor I called "Ms Death."

It's crazy I can recall even that - I have the pages, written in pencil so probably illegible, saved somewhere, but I have no idea what it was really about.  I do remember why I stopped writing it: Mike burst my bubble.  He told me it was terrible & it would never be published.

There was certainly a part of me that knew it would never be published, in the same way I knew the silly tapes I made with friends pretending to be doing radio shows would never actually become comic albums or whatever, but part of the thrill was the pretending.  I was trying to write this fantasy where all my friends were something else, I was writing it for them, I was hoping to charm & amuse them.  Mike didn't possess a fanciful bone, however, & when I mused about publication, he didn't mind raining on my parade.  He actually laughed out loud at my folly.

It was at that point that I just lost interest.  & it was fine that he made me realize that actually making a book was hard work, he didn't have to tell me it was terrible.

No worries!  It didn't deter me then from pursuing a writing career.  It would take me, realizing later that in fact my writing was pretty awful, to leave that path.

Still.  Wow, I didn't know until this past year that my writing was so bad it would make someone stop talking to me.  Seriously - that's some fucking terrible writing there!

Might I Recommend?

One of the nice things that happens when you do community radio is that other community radio folk listen to your shows, because, you know, you're part of a community.

As for me, I don't get to listen as often as I wish - I spend a great deal of time listening to music on my own, lots of it for the dumb show I do.  But one of the coolest things is Radio Free America, especially (of course) the KNON portion, where I can hear shows I'm either not awake for or too busy to listen to.

For example, I really like Roulette Radio.  (Here is their Facebook page.)  It's pretty great freeform radio, & they often do "sets" that will please the Self Help Radio listener.  Like, this week's show was all bands whose names were initials, stuff like that.

During these unbearably hot Texas summers, we wake early to walk the dogs, so I can't be up Sunday nights/Monday mornings midnight to four to enjoy a show like Roulette Radio.  But I can put them on during the day thanks to their Radio Free American stream.  So, hooray!

Might I recommend the show to you?

Self Help Radio 060818: Style

(Stylish old Italian dudes originally found here.)

Style! Can you learn it? Can you borrow it? Can you buy it? Can you sell it?

Style! Is it worth it? Does it hurt you? Does it change you? Can it save you?

Style! What is it all about? What does it mean? What is going on? Who the hell are you?

Yes, none of the above questions - & more! - are answered on today's Self Help Radio, a show about style.  There are guests, lots of songs, & probably twelve to fifteen percent more nonsense than usual. & you will agree, that's an almost intolerable amount of nonsense.

Listen now or when the mood strikes at the Self Help Radio website.  Use the password "SHR" & the password "selfhelp" (without the quotation marks) to download.  The show is two hours long but it will probably feel like four.  The songs played - as well as the noted guests - are listed below.

Style! Okay, I'll shut up about it now.

"Style (with Bing Crosby & Dean Martin)" Frank Sinatra _The Complete Reprise Studio Recordings_
"Style (Peter Gunn Theme)" Grandmaster Flash _Style (Peter Gunn Theme)_
"Style" Cameo _Style_

introductions & definitions

"Putting On The Style" Lonnie Donegan _More Than 'Pye In The Sky'_
"Cramping My Own Style" Jacobites _God Save Us Poor Sinners_
"I Dig His Style" Jackie Ross _Jerk & Twine: The Complete Chess Recordings_
"He's Just My Style" Lennon Sisters _Today!!_
"Love American Style" The Cowsills _The Best Of The Cowsills_

interview with designer & "Straight Eye For The Queer Guy" host David Fruchter

"What Are You Wearing" Kahimie Karie _K.K.K.K.K._
"The Wildstyle" Time Zone _Beat Freaks_
"Style It Takes" Lou Reed & John Cale _Songs For Drella_
"No Style" Vic Godard & The Subway Sect _Songs For Sale_
"I'll Change My Style" Jimmy Reed _The Vee-Jay Years (1953-1965)_

a visit from Dr. Idiom!

"Lifestyle" Elektric Music _Esperanto_
"Lifestyles Of The Rich & Famous" Momus _Don't Stop The Night_
"Lifestyles Of The Rich & Famous" Beatnik Filmstars _In Hospitalable_
"Experimental Lifestyle" Brilliantine _My Life & The Beautiful Game_
"Rock & Roll Lifestyle" Cake _Motorcade Of Generosity_

a moment of reflection about the show

"I Like Your Style Of Making Love" The Cleftones _The Best Of The Cleftones_
"I Like Your Style" Lee Shot Williams _Hot Shot_
"I Like Your Style" The Originals _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 10: 1970_
"Hey Girl (I Like Your Style)" The Temptations _Emperors Of Soul_
"My Own Style Of Loving" Wilson Pickett _Hey Jude_

closing remarks

"Revolt Into Style" Bill Nelson's Red Noise _Sound On Sound_
"Back In Style" Felix _You Are The One I Pick_

post mortem

Whither Style?

(Ooo, look, cancer of the mouth from cigar smoking is back in style, according to these guys!)

You may be thinking, how can someone like Gary, who basically only has a beard because he's too lazy to shave, how can he do a show about style?  That would be like the Pope doing a show about foreplay.  Or a cat doing a show about compassion.  Or a salt shaker doing a show about berbere spice.  Or a...  You get the idea.

You may be thinking that (or you may be surprised there's still something called "Self Help Radio"), but have you ever heard of research?  Just because a do a show about something doesn't mean I'm an expert in it.  Maybe I just wanted to do a show about style to immerse myself in all meanings of the world.  After all, isn't that the style of Self Help Radio?

Aha!  I gotcha there!  You were all like, "Ha ha, Gary dresses like a beat-up store mannequin after a blackout," & I was like, "Can't a poorly-dressed mannequin still be curious about the better-dressed mannequins in the store?"  & then you were all like, "Oh shit, we just p-owned or pawned or powned whatever that weird thing people say on the internet is but they never pronounce it so when we pronounce it we're at the mercy of people who think they know it's pronounced."  & then I was like, "Damn, you're as insecure as I am, maybe you didn't mean to be so dickish when you insulted my personal look & you were just lashing out in frustration & sadness."  & then you were all like, "Oh go fuck yourself you touchy-feely piece of shit, you still have no style & we're never going to speak to you again."

This is going to be a very complicated show, I can tell.  In any event, the Self Help Radio exploration of style in music & chatter is happening tomorrow at noon at Self Help Radio dot net.  Frankly, I don't care what you wear or how you act while you listen.