Jazz In The Brain Pan

There was another flash! of jazz in the Self Help Radio universe today as the fifth episode of Tags & Tricks magically appeared, after I played a bunch of songs & talked very little. Seriously, it's a nice show today featuring such artists as Sonny Criss, Yusef Lateef, Rahsaan Roland Kirk, & Joe McPhee, & many more. I kinda played really long songs today, so there are fewer artists than I regular play, but I more than make up for it by the amazingness of the music.

Where's all that jazz? It's where every radio show I do ends up, at self help radio dot net. Didn't you know? Well, you do now.

Lazy & Amazing

She snaps her fingers, & wishes she had had the prerequisite typing lessons. But as the supervisor passes, she fakes it, she hunts & pecks.

It reminds her of her ridiculously codependent cat, who only enjoys eating if she is petting her. Seriously. She had had obese cats who will eat everything left out for them within minutes, but this cat - let me tell you, a feast could have been laid out by the most preeminent caterers in Europe & she would only have deigned to begin mastication once a sympathetic hand brushed against her fur.

What the fuck?

She never thought she'd join her cat on what she believed was the 13th level of unhappiness. Because even if her cat, at state zero (0), believed that she was happy (which was not state zero [0]), there was some other element that increased pleasure beyond happiness (state zero [0]), which existed when someone pet her, which must've been amplified when she ate, which was why she was petting her while she ate.

There were, she believe, twelve levels of unhappiness greater than that delusional level of happiness she - & her cats - lived at.

She sighs to herself, & says, later, on her blog, "Getting a job in 2010 - what're you gonna do?"

Her cat is insulted, but, luckily, is not allowed to have a blog.

Wings In Stereo

See, there are two wings, so they're in stereo - get it?

Not only that, but archived Self Help Radio shows (starting with this one) are stereo now. It also helps that I record it in stereo. I have this nifty device (as seen on televisions Law &/or Order) but it only records in mono. I use something else now, that captures the station's stereo output. So it's real stereo. Not that fake 1950s shit. Christ, that stereo was bullshit. Anyway, the files are larger but I had heard some grumbles from one or two porpoises so I thought, what the hell.

The show - & this week's episode of Sugar Substitute, which is also in stereo - is at self help radio dot net. The theme is wings, & the show may well reveal to you the secret of flight. If, you know, it was still a secret & not something humans as well as birds & insects & mammals like bats & some fish do all the damn time.

Our Overweight Sexist Media

Self Help Radio takes wing tomorrow by featuring a show about wings!

Here are the following kinds of wings which probably will not be featured in song tomorrow:

1) Paul McCartney's post-Beatles back-up band.
2) A folding section, as of a double door or of a movable partition.
3) The unseen backstage area on either side of the stage of a proscenium theater.
4) A section of a large building devoted to a specific purpose
5) Either of two groups with opposing views within a larger group; a faction.
6) Any of the meanings referring to anything in the military.
7) Any of the meanings referring to anything in sports.

Here are the following kinds of wings which will most probably be featured in song tomorrow:

1) Things that help creatures or human-made devices fly.
2) Metaphorical forms of the word that means the above.

Here are as many words I can make from the word "wings" so I can win at Boggle or whatever game that is:

I, is, GI (is that allowed?), gin, win, sin, wig, gins, wins, wigs, swig, wing, wings, swing

Here is when the show is on tomorrow so you can listen:

A little too early. Seriously, it's on at like 4:30 am.

Here are three ways you can listen:

Live in Lexington on the radio, 88.1 fm.
Live anywhere on the computer at wrfl dot fm.
Archived later (sometime tomorrow) on self help radio dot net.

Here is something you might not know:

The show on before it is called Sugar Substitute & it's a pop show I do. It's also archived later because it is in fact on too damn early.

We hope you listen in one way or another!

Whither Wings?

- Wither wings, so I shall fly no more!
- Why so unhappy, friend bird?
- Did you know, my bones are hollow, & I must eat so much every day, just to fly!
- It seems so unsafe here on the ground.
- Yet you hibernate in winter! I must fly vast distances, to keep warm.
- We admire you down here. We wish we were free as you.
- Free! I am cursed by my wings to endlessly soar!
- Seriously, that sounds awesome. Not a curse at all.
- While I may have wings, there are others that have wings, too.
- Others?
- Bigger others.
- Bigger mothers, you mean.
- They swoop down at me, they want to eat me.
- Dude, it's no different down here. Bigger mothers want to eat me too.
- Maybe being bound to the land is a curse as well.
- Maybe life is a curse.
- Wither life, so I shall fly no more!
- Or you could just stand right there, something will come by & eat you soon enough.
- Is that clock right?
- Which one?
- On the bank there.
- Oh, yeah. We had to "fall back" last night, we're not on daylight savings time anymore.
- Oh dear, I'm late! I gotta jet.

How Cold Is The Metal You Love

Fellow lovers of our future robot overlords, let me beseech you, in this cold, cold times, press the coldest metal to your face, grip it tightly in frostbitten hands, lay with it, learn to prefer it to warm, imperfect flesh. Because in the process of our obsolescence, we will find our only consolation with the cold alloys of our robot paramours.

& the music they shall sing to us will be the music you can hear on Dickenbock Electronics, my (usually) every three week or so electronica showcase, a new episode of which is available for your listening pleasure at self help radio dot net.

Produced as a public service for the Committee to Replace Organics on Planet Earth, or CROPE. CROPE is pleased to announce that it now has a human on its Board Of Directors.

Go! Listen now! While you still have a choice!

The Face In The Furor

Aw, did the season start too soon for you? Here are handy tips for making sure you don't catch cold & miss out on the wonders of winter:

1) Keep it in your pants. Whatever it is, if it's not in your pants, it's colder than when it is in your pants, & when whatever it is is cold, it can lower your immune defenses, to let a dreadful cold sneak in & lay you low.

2) Eat plenty of healthy. Yes, healthy often suffers at the hands & feet of unhealthy, which is available in most stores, but surely you can find healthy wherever it is sold & consume more of it. Studies show eating a lot of healthy often keeps you well.

3) If you must exercise, make sure it's your brain. Too many famous people who once were alive & fit are now dead but did they think the right things? I'm not so sure. Reading is good, but also just pondering is worth your while.

4) Perhaps you should also be in love. While nine out of fourteen doctors find love to be distracting unless the sex is good, researchers are fixing the data to show a connection between love in your life & physical well-being. Look it up!

5) Your pets need to go for a walk. This applies mainly to dogs, who carry loads of diseases, but who, when you walk them, spread those germs outdoors & not in the confines of your lovely home.

6) I find alcohol to be delicious. Not so much if it's in medications, like that awful one that you take just so the alcohol in it will make you sleepy. But if that's all you can get - sometimes in the middle of the night, it is - salut!

7) Friends don't let friends get sick. If your friend is sick, you have not been a good friend & it means you probably don't respect him or her very much. Plus, that friend being sick may make you sick. Goodbye, friend!

8) Snow is more cold than soft. It does not make a nice pillow for cold winter sleepytime. Even if, in this tough economy, all you can afford to live under is a bridge. People have been known to make this mistake, or maybe it's just me.

Well! The staff & homemakers at Self Help Radio hope you enjoy this winter in the same way you didn't last year, & we hope these nine simple rules will force you to stay well all through the season & only get the flu perhaps in early spring when you least expect it.

But Did You Vote?

Sure, sure, this week's episode of Self Help Radio, which is about hunger, or being hungry, is now available for your listening pleasure at self help radio dot net, but that seems so unimportant. Don't you think? Because there's this crazy election going on! You should have voted. Did you vote?

Some people think it's foolish. Some don't care. Some think it's buying into a corrupt system. All I can say is, there's probably some truth to the negative comments. But it sure feels nice to vote. Even if it's voting against someone.

& who knows? Maybe one day we'll not get to vote anymore. You might at least want to say you did something so quaint - & desirable - once in your life.

Or maybe you'd rather listen to Self Help Radio?

Oh, You Already Know What's Important About Tomorrow

Yes! & it's not my stupid radio show. It's that you vote! Even if it seems ridiculous or hopeless, even if you haven't really cared in months, even if the media have already told you who's won - VOTE!

The choices aren't so great, I'll grant you. But at least you have something like a choice, right? One time, on KOOP, there was this inane show - it's probably still on - where the host, a simple but amiable fellow, was interviewing some high muckety-muck from Cuba during one of their "elections," & he asked him, "What's voter turnout in Cuba?" The man said proudly, "Ninety-nine percent of the population votes!" The host gosh-wowed about that & then tsk-tsked the low turnout in the United States, all the while never asking the most important question, which is: but aren't they voting for a single party? If that's the case, could there be another reason they go to the polls - perhaps because they might be punished if they don't?

Perhaps we should punish Americans if they don't vote. But then again, there is a punishment - have you seen the people who run our country? I don't think a one of us could stand to be in a room with a random sampling of any of them.

Vote! Vote! Vote! I say. It feels nice.

& if you're up early enough, listen to me tell you to vote on 88.1 WRFL fm! Don't wait to listen to it later when I archive it on self help radio dot net. It won't make any sense. But actually, you can listen to my shows any time. That'd be great.

Whither Hungry?

That sounds like something a pretentious waiter might say instead of "What can I get you?"

Billions of people in our world live in a state called hunger. Batman might have told members of the Justice League, "Hunger is good for the soul," but that just means he thinks starving children are more soulful than well-fed ones. Which is terrible logic, for both me & him. But it sucks for the Batman since he has a better reputation than I do.

Self Help Radio explores hunger this week because it realized that, about halfway through most of its shows, it could really use a snack. & not something junk food-y, like chips or nuts or whatever. A substantial amount of food, like a sandwich perhaps, or maybe one of those things that other cultures make which aren't really sandwiches but emulate sandwiches in a delicious manner, like a burrito, or a samosa, or even pizza, folded over like they do in New York. Mmmm.

Of course, Self Help Radio is also proud to explore issues of lasting import, like hunger, which has become more prevalent in this country during our Great Recession, & will probably continue to increase, since Self Help Radio expects the worst. & boy, does the worst deliver.

Self Help Radio will be full of depressing facts this week, like this one:

36.3 million people - including 13 million children - live in households that experience hunger or the risk of hunger. This represents more than one in ten households in the United States (11.2 percent). This is an increase of 1.4 million, from 34.9, million in 2002.

Luckily, Self Help Radio will accompany these facts with awesome music to offset this gloomy information.

Correcting The Unfairness Of Holidays

Living in West Virginia for a year did some damage, it's true. For one thing, it was such an awful place to live (& really, I just lived in Huntington, so I will freely admit that I can't say anything about any other town in West Virginia except I'm certain it's probably better) that it makes every other place look wonderful by comparison. I mean, after living in Huntington for about ten months, I visited Dallas & thought to myself, "I'd prefer living here." Dallas. Dallas, Texas. How awful must a town be to make Dallas look attractive?

One thing that happened around this time last year - & one of the neighbors scolded me for this lack of knowledge, as I didn't read the paper or watch the news - is that the town simply rescheduled Halloween. Halloween, you may recall, fell on a Saturday last year - a perfectly respectful day of the week for a perfectly respectable holiday. But the Thursday before, kids knocked on our doors tricking & treating. Why? Because the city decided Thursday was a better day for Halloween. Thursday!

I did wait for the rogue child, possessed of independent thought & an anarchic spirit, to come on Saturday, but no luck. I suppose they knew the rest of the city had given all its candy away on Thursday. Thursday! The kids had to sit at home on Saturday knowing full well the entire rest of the country was out trick-or-treating that night. Absurd.

It was burned into my Texan brain that that must be the case in Lexington, too. After all, it's just a hundred miles to the west. Of course, it's also two decades into the future here - so I was fooled. Someone told me - I don't remember who - or even if it were some delusion fostered by a thought-stunting year in the backwards world of Huntington - that Halloween would be on Saturday in Lexington.

The wife & I took the dogs for a late walk last night & I made her bring candy along with us to give to the trick-or-treaters I knew we'd meet out & about.

Of course there were none. Halloween is tomorrow. Lexington exists in the real world. I need to get used to that.

My Unhappy Is Your Zombie

I can't go to the Jon Stewart rally this weekend, which makes me sad. It's because of my dumb animals, who are my best friends & who I love more than anything. But still. Seriously, dudes?

I'm still not going to do a show this weekend. I'm going to watch the rally on television. So there.

I did do a show yesterday - subbing for two nice people named Katie & Travis - all about zombies. A nice caller asked me to put it online so I have. It's here: at the top of the page. That means, by the way, that you have three Self Help Radio shows for your Halloween pleasure, if you'd like: the aforementioned show about zombies, & the show I did Tuesday about haunted houses & last year's show about werewolves. What a punishment of screams!

I need to go sulk now.

I Think This Blog Is Haunted

Boo!

Be wary, intrepid traveler, for Self Help Radio today emanated eerily from a haunted radio station, with many songs about haunted houses & not a single song about a haunted apartment or condominium. Really, not even one about a haunted hotel room or a haunted spare bedroom in the back with access only to a bathroom, no shower. Ghosts & other malevolent spirits need their space, I guess.

Also: boo!

Here's a trick: the show, which aired this morning, is available for listening now at any time at self help radio dot net . Here's a treat: you can download the songs from the show in mp3 form by clicking here to get the zip file . Over ninety minutes of fright, featuring some things you didn't hear on the show! Get them now! They're only available until the morning of November 1!

Did I mention: boo!

Would you prefer a show about werewolves? That's so last year - but you can listen to that show to right over here.

Thanks for listening & have a happy Halloween!

Especially Self-Conscious In My Dreams

It seems. I had a dream where, when I stepped onto a bridge, it slowly, as if made of elastic, dipped into the water. What do you do when your own dreams call you fatty?

You soldier on. For example, early tomorrow morning you'll get to hear Self Help Radio's Halloween 2010 show, which is about haunted houses. If you perhaps become a "fan" or "like" (whatever the case is) Self Help Radio on Facebook, you might be able to get haunted house music to play yourself. Or maybe you can just look at the page - it's located right here & if it's not a trick & truly a treat, it'll last until Halloween.

They like Halloween around here. I may have to walk through several graveyards to get to the station tonight. I hope it's not too ghoulish.

So if you can listen tomorrow, it's on 88.1 fm WRFL too early in the morning (4:30 am in fact) on the radio & online. Or I'll have the show up at the Self Help Radio website some time tomorrow. In time for Halloween!

Whither Haunted Houses?

Every Halloween Self Help Radio does some sort of Halloween show. I can't help it. I started out thinking I could do "general" holiday shows, you know, with a song about a ghost then a song about a vampire then a song about a zombie, but I started thinking, you know, Self Help Radio specializes in specific themes. The only holiday that I somewhat celebrate with a more or less general theme is Christmas, & that's because it would just be weird to do an entire show about mistletoe (for example).

So, my first Self Help Radio Halloween was of the generalest kind. The next year (Halloween 2003) was about ghosts. Morrissey was supposed to come to town around Halloween 2004, so I preempted my Halloween show for a Smiths show, but, terrifying as it was, he cancelled the concert. My 2005 show was about vampires, my 2006 show was about monsters, my 2007 show was about zombies, my 2008 show was about witches, & last year's show was about werewolves. It may seem as though I am exhausting all the major characters in the Halloween storybook, but it's not true! This year's show is about haunted houses. Ha ha! Didn't see that coming, did you? Ha ha!

Except, you know, in the title of this entry.

By far one of the most embarrassing things that ever happened to me happened in a homemade "haunted house" in my childhood. I even once wrote a short story about it. Hey! Maybe I can find it & put it here tomorrow! Except I'll edit it for length. Possibly even make sure it's at least readable. Many of my old short stories fail the "readability" test. & not because I wrote them in my completely made-up language called Garyrag. I only translate great books into that language.

"Haunted house" in Garyrag is "griffdo eeks." Just in case you were wondering.

Weekends Incommunicado

Perhaps you've read this blog. Perhaps you're someone who gives a hoodley-hoo about the radio show this blog is arguably about, or the radio show programmer who writes this blog & also does the radio show. According to Google Analytics, you are about one-quarter of a person, because that's the average number of visitors this blog gets a day. I hope you didn't have a weird accident or anything!

As a regular reader (or irregular, if there's three-fourths of you missing) of this blog, you might have previously heard that the next two weekend I will have other engagements which will keep me from my regular Saturday shows. This will also mean that I probably will not be writing in this blog on those days. Whatever shall you do? It's not like there are other, more interesting blogs out there, are there? Of course there are! I read some of them more than this blog!

This week is my Halloween show, which is about haunted houses, & I will be listening to haunted house songs all the way to Missouri, where my friend LeAndra is getting married, & usually I give away Halloween CDs to people who call in to win them during the show. I can't do that this year - WRFL has a no-giveaways policy - but I can give them away on this blog & on my Facebook page, where you should also totally "like" me.

So if you don't hear from me for a couple of days, don't worry! I'm driving to Missouri. Then driving back from Missouri. The show will go on as promised!

Unless I have a weird accident or something & am reduced to one-fourth of a person.

It's Been A Long Day; Or, I'm Exhausted

If you're the sort of person who can only read one sentence because of ADD & then has to find another blog, then let me tell you this week's episode of Self Help Radio is available for your audio enjoyment at self help radio dot net. The theme is "this or that," & there's also a new episode of my pop show, Sugar Substitute, as well. Wait, you're the sort of person who, because of your ADD, can't get this far in a paragraph. My bad.

I do have an excuse for the tardiness in putting the show up, however. Some working dudes were repairing or updating or reinstalling or doing busy work on a power line & my electricity was off for about three hours in the middle of the day. True story! I decided, after waiting two & a half hours, to take a nap, & then, as I was dozing off, I woke to the hum of refrigerator starting up.

Which is better, it's true, than being awakened from a nap, as I often am, by the tap-tapping of annoying beagles who just want to go outside to chase chipmunks.

This Week In Media Manipulation

Hey! If you're reading this right now, & "right now" is defined as "six to eight pm Eastern time," you can listen to me play electronical music on WRFL 88.1 during that time. If you're not in Lexington (where it's been a lovely autumn day), you can listen online at wrfl.fm.

If you are reading this later, & "later" is defined as "sometime between Monday night & Tuesday morning," be aware that, mere hours from now, after I've left the deejay booth cold & alone on a Monday night, I will return cold & lonesome early Tuesday morning for a new Sugar Substitute & a new Self Help Radio. Sleep? Who needs sleep?

Actually, I'm craving pizza. I'll probably eat pizza in the next forty-eight hours, Then I will fall asleep on a pizza. That's my promise to you.

Whither This Or That?

Sometimes, while I'm doing Self Help Radio shows, I think of this dude I sort of knew in Austin. He was one of those loud-mouthed know-it-alls who would call the show all the time & ask questions he knew the answers to so that he could remember the answer the second after he asked. He seemed to like my show & I was always nice to him, & he knew other deejays at the station so often showed up to talk & talk & talk. Anyway, he once sent me a list of themes he thought I should do - themes I'm sure he had plenty of ideas about it.

Now, I can be pretty snobby - & I certainly don't want to be "obvious" about themes. Still, I've picked some easy ones. But his - well, they were both extremely general & generally banal. They were things like "rain" & "cars" & "crying." It's not to say I wouldn't one day do shows with those themes - in a way, they're "gimmies," easy shows to do because of the wealth of material.

But the fellow's personality & the utter unoriginality of the themes made me sniff & say, "Oh, those themes - thank you for suggesting them - but I'm looking for more challenging topics for my show..."

The truth is, sometimes I need a "gimmie." So that explains this week's theme, "this or that." How easy to find songs with the title [insert word here] or [insert other word here]! I'll be able to sleep more this weekend.

It turns out, of course, that the more general themes have so many more songs that it's actually harder to do the shows. I've been listening to songs all day & am nowhere near done. So. I deserve it for being such a snot. A more obscure theme might be more time-consuming in the search for songs to satisfy it. But general themes - even if they're easy - I have to spend the time. I want to pick the best songs to play, don't I?

Howdy! It's Zeke Moonshine!

As promised, here's a Pony Express missive letting you know that this week's episode of the Zeke Moonshine Show - starring Zeke Moonshine - as well as old timey country & blues musicians like Wilmer Watts, Ken Maynard, Casey Bill Weldon, the Girls Of The Golden West, Patsy Montana, Skip James, Bukka White & much, much more - is now available for your listening pleasure at self help radio dot net.

If you're not interested, might I suggest you stare at this lovely photo of the Girls Of The Golden West until you find yourself in the mood?



Please remember, though Zeke has his own still, he starts drinking & playing records long before you get there. Bring your own!