This is a photo taken on this day in 2019, three years ago. It's a little device I found in the XRAY studios right when I started to do my first show there. I think when I finally posted it to Facebook, I wrote something like "the key to every moderately successful radio show."
But I actually didn't really try it. & I haven't seen it since. Which may be why my shows are so terrible.
You're one hundred years old today?
Yes.
You don't look it!
Thank you.
You look much older than that.
What.
You look biblically old.
Stop.
Those old biblical dudes who lived to be 900 but were just piss & shit machines.
I told you to stop.
Or what? You're going to fight me?
That's right!
Come at me, then, Methuselah!
Pow!
Oh shit you just punched me!
That's right asshole.
I just got decked by a hundred year old man.
Not really. I'm just thirty-two.
What the fuck.
I tell people I'm a hundred because I look like I'm a hundred.
Worse.
You want me to hit you again?
Sure. This time I'll hit back!
Wait. You will?
You fucking bet I will.
You'd hit a hundred year old man?
You're not...
Did you hear that? This guy wants to hit me! & I'm one hundred years old today.
Jesus Christ.
He only lived to be like thirty.
While this show failed to find an Alice who wanted to talk to the show about being an Alice - & to be fair, there were some who were willing but not available this past week - I think you can say Self Help Radio did its best to represent as many Alices as possible, in song & with commentary.
As I usually say when I do these kinds of shows, I hope you know an Alice you can share this with. Or if you're an Alice yourself, even better - you can think the show is for you! Because of course it is.
The show is available now at both the KBOO website & at the Self Help Radio website. If you listen to it at the show's website, you'll need a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp) but you'll be able to download it if you want. Everything that happened on the show is listed below.
Who's in the collage above? There's a legend at the very bottom of this post!
Self Help Radio Presents Alice's Show
"Alice Blue Gown" Edith Day _The Smithsonian Collection Of Recordings American Musical Theater Shows, Songs, & Stars_
"Alice From Dallas" Buddy Jones _The Louisiana Honky Tonk Boy_
"The Story Of Alice (Part 1)" The Chad Mitchell Trio _Blowin' In The Wind_
introduction & definition (featuring the Definition-O-Tron 3000!)
"Walt Disney's Story Of Alice In Wonderland" Robie Lester _Walt Disney's Story Of Alice In Wonderland_
"Alice In Wonderland" Neil Sedaka _The Real... Neil Sedaka (The Ultimate Collection)_
"Alice" Gil & Johnny _Alice_
"Alice In Wonderland" The Berkeley Kites _Alice In Wonderland_
"White Rabbit" Shannon & The Clams _Gremlins Crawl_
Marge Most interrupts to talk about Alice Coltrane
"That Alice" Laura Veirs _Warp & Weft_
"Alice" Cocteau Twins _Treasure Hiding (The Fontana Years)_
"Alice" Tom Waits _Alice_
"All The Girls Love Alice" Emeli Sande _Goodbye Yellow Brick Road_
"Alice Mae" R. L. Burnside _Mr. Wizard_
Ned Dry & Captain McCheese present a tribute to Alice Cooper
"Alice" The Sisters Of Mercy _Alice_
"Alice's House" The Psychedelic Furs _Mirror Moves_
"Watching Alice" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _Tender Prey_
"Here Comes Alice" The Jesus & Mary Chain _Automatic_
"Alice Everyday" Book Of Love _Candy Carol_
Sir Archibald Von Poesy presents his poem "Alice"
"Whatever Happened To Alice?" Rosemary's Children _Él Records - The Legendary B Sides_
"Alice's Wings" Charlotte's Web _Heart Trouble_
"Shame About Alice" Strawberry Story _Clamming For It_
"Love You Alice/D" The Apples In Stereo _Fun Trick Noisemaker_
"Alice D" Lovs e Blur _Behind The Banana Curtain 1975-2000_
Marge Most interrupts to talk about Alice B. Toklas
"I Love You, Alice B. Toklas" Harpers Bizarre _Harpers Bizarre 4_
"Gertrude Stein & Alice B Toklas" Shelley Berman _The Edge Of Shelley Berman_
"Alice Long (You're Still My Favorite Girlfriend)" Tommy Boyce & Bobby Hart _The Anthology_
"Who Planted Thorns In Miss Alice's Garden" Tom Northcott _Hallucinations: Psychedelic Pop Nuggets From The WEA Vaults_
"Alice" Mott The Hoople _The Hoople_
What do the Kabalarians think of the name Alice? A report.
"Aurora Bori Alice" Cotton Mather _Kontiki_
"Alice" Yellow Fever _Cats & Rats_
"Alice Please" Bubblegum Lemonade _Sophomore Release_
"Japanese Alice" Wild Nothing _Life Of Pause_
"Alice, I Want You Just For Me!" Full Force _Electro Funk Sessions_
conclusion & goodbye
"Alice's Restaurant Massacree" Arlo Guthrie _The Best Of Arlo Guthrie_
"Alice" Darwin Deez _Songs For Imaginative People_
"Ugly Alice" Damien Youth _Bride Of The Asylum_
"Alice Was A Dream" Mr. Flood's Party _Mr. Flood's Party_
-----
*The Alices in the image are, left to right:
Row one: Princess Alice, Alice Brown, Alice Stone Blackwell, Alice Bailey, Alice Guy Blanche, Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Row two: Alice B. Toklas, Alice Stokes Paul, Alice Brady, Alice Lake, Alice Terry, Alice White
Row three: Alice Sapritch, Alice Coachman, Alice Ghostly, Alice Barber, Alice Munro, Alice Coltrane
Row four: Alice Walker, Alice Cooper, Alice Krige, Alice Evans, Alice Eve, Alice Braga
There are of course many more famous Alices, this was not meant to be exhaustive.
Sadly, there will be hardly any Linda Lavin on tonight's Alice show. & as I mentioned yesterday, no interviews with any Alices, either. But there'll be lots of songs about people named Alice - some of whom are famous - as well as information I can share.
It's really fun to play lots of songs about a person (or at least a person's name) & it seemed it was time for me to tackle a different name. I once shared a few Alice songs with a person named Alice. I have forgotten most everything about her - I think we worked together - but I wish I had known there were this many songs about Alices. She would've gotten more than the two or three I knew at the time!
If you're an Alice, or you know an Alice, maybe you'll want to listen tonight on KBOO, from midnight to 3am. That's at 90.7fm here in Portland town, online everywhere at kboo.fm. It will please any Alice & many of the Alice-adjacent.
It pains me to report that this week's Self Help Radio, which will feature songs about all kinds of Alices, will have no interviews with any Alice. It's been the habit of the show, when exploring a name, to talk to people who share the name, to ask if they like the name, how they got the name, etc. I don't personally know any Alices, but I asked on the air & I asked on the Facebook & I asked on the Twitter, & even those who showed a modicum of interest said no or were unable to schedule a time.
The sadness of having an obscure radio show.
introduction & definition
"Infinity ytinifnI" These New Puritans _Beat Pyramid_
"Infinite Roads" The Hawaiian Pups _Split Second Precision_
"You're A Reflection Of Infinite Chaos" Outrageous Cherry _Our Love Will Change The World_
"Billy Infinity" Bill Nelson _Atom Shop_
"Infinity" Desdamona _The Source_
interview with my friend Gus, who has a fear of infinity
"Spud Infinity" Big Thief _Dragon New Warm Mountain I Believe In You_
"Infinite Combinations" John Wesley Harding _New Deal_
"It's Infinite" Lomelda _Hannah_
"December Infinity" Lee Noble _Ruiner_
"Infinity Avenue" Electric Sunset _Electric Sunset_
interview with Hank Ralph, who has an Infiniti dealership
"Neighbourhood Of Infinity" The Fall _Perverted By Language_
"Approximately Infinite Universe" Yoko Ono _Approximately Infinite Universe_
"Masculine Infinity" CS Yeh _Transitions_
"Infinity" Mouth Music _Shorelife_
"Infinity Of Rhythm Instrumental" AmmonContact _You Don't Know: Ninja Cuts_
interview with creator of Infinity Lad & Eternity Lass Jeff Clarement
"Infinitely Late At Night" The Magnetic Fields _i_
"Infinity Net" Sisu _Light Eyes_
"Infinity Pools" The Smittens _City Rock Dove_
"Infinite Mile" King Tuff _The Other_
"The Infinite Shoeblack" Nits _Giant Normal Dwarf_
interview with Betsy The Spirit Guide about how to spend infinity
"Infinity" Suuns _Hold/Still_
"Infinity" Catnaps _Why Don't You Whisper?_
"An Infinite Loop" Hutch & Kathy _Hutch & Kathy_
"Bound For Infinity" Renaissance _Prologue_
"Infinity" Montreal _A Summer's Night_
Dr. Jeff Green explains infinity
"Infinite Potential" Luke Vibert _Compilation Tracks For Which I Was Never Paid_
"Infinity + 1" Klangwelt _The Age Of Numbers_
"Infinite Snow" Monolake _Silence_
"Infinite Everywhere" Eric Hilton _Infinite Everywhere_
conclusion & goodbye
"To The Infinity" DJ Krush _Strictly Turntablized_
"Infinity (MTR 12" Mix)" Eon _Void Dweller_
"Sweet Honeybee Of Infinity" Boy Robot _Rotten Cocktails_
There's something called apeirophobia - which sounds like a fear of the thing you use to get to your boat on a lake or river or sea or whatever - but which is actually the fear of infinity. We'll talk on the show tomorrow with someone who experiences this but I've been thinking about whether I have felt such a fear, & it reminded me of common nightmares I had as a child.
To understand the first one, it must be said I was very close to my mother until my teenage years. Like all mothers I suppose she managed to instill in me a trust & loyalty that was seemingly permanent - until I started paying attention to her. Once I started to recognize her many faults, I didn't feel as close to her - & certainly stopped trusting her or feeling a loyalty to her. For a long time I thought that was a natural thing, but my brothers never stopped feeling that way toward her, so I guess my disillusionment with her was unusual in our family.
Anyway, before my teen years, a common nightmare would be that she & I would be sitting together & then the earth would move & she would somehow begin separating from me. She seemed utterly oblivious but I was horrified, & I tried to go to her but the distance between us became a chasm. In addition, it seemed as though that distance was exponential - I wouldn't have understood that as a child - but the more I tried to get to her, the more it seemed like she'd get farther away, the distance doubling with every attempt. I would wake up from such dreams crying, horrified, feeling abandoned & alone.
My insecurities wouldn't let me abandon such horror even after I probably wouldn't have been so upset to have my mother wrenched from me. So the dream changed in my teenage years to me being alone & suddenly realizing how vast the universe is. In this iteration of my dream the distance between me & everything else seem to increase exponentially. & it was for me mathematical - I could feel the distance growing as if squared again & again. & it made me feel inconsequential, helpless, & utterly alone. I would wake from such dreams in a cold sweat, absolutely terrified & unable to shake that feeling for a long time afterwards
Luckily as I got older this dream faded away - not because I felt any more secure, or because I found someone who made helped my insecurity & loneliness, but because I became more comfortable with those feelings. They felt lived-in by my mid-1920s. I haven't had that sort of dream in probably decades.
Was it a fear of infinity? Do I still have a remnant of that in me? & if I do, will a show about infinity help or help? I don't know!
As always, we recommend you follow Chuck on Twitter! Just to see what he's watching!
Well, I'm glad I went looking for pictures of spiders just now because I'm not going to sleep well tonight.
It was in the late summer or early fall of 2014 when I started taking pictures of things with a cheap little digital camera. I've discussed why I do it here before - I've mentioned I put those pictures on my personal Facebook account as well as the show's Tumblr page - & I've made a habit of occasionally looking back through those photos & sharing them when I can on the anniversary days of when they were taken.
For some reason, the last few years I've skipped October 22. I might have taken pictures that day but I didn't save them. Two years in particular though I saved lots of photos - in 2014 (not represented here) & in 2016, when I was obviously in Garland & took a picture of the street named after me.
You know I could swear I've written about this nondescript street on this blog before but I can't seem to find that page. Hm. Anyway, there's a street named after me in Garland. It's completely unimportant.
The reason the theme for tonight's Self Help Radio is "paralyzed" is possibly the main reason I pick themes: I noticed that there were lots of songs I liked called "Paralyzed." (Or "Paralysed" because British English.) I know that's a boring answer for a theme but it really is how it works most of the time. I'm listening to a record, then another one, & I notice a couple of songs, & I think, "Maybe that would make a good theme." I create a folder on my computer & as time passes I find other songs & come up with other ideas that might go into the folder.
One of my obsessions - which I think I've realized a few times - is to have an entire show with all the songs having the same name. If Self Help Radio were still two hours long, I do believe I would be able to fill the entire show with nothing but songs called "Paralyzed" (or, you know, "Paralysed"). Alas, it's three hours long. Which is fine, I have found some songs I really like & hope you'll like too.
Three hours! Tonight! Midnight to 3am Portland time! On 90.7fm in town! & online at kboo.fm! I'll try not to be like a deer in the headlights.
The show this week - on tomorrow night! - has the theme "paralyzed." Initially I thought I'd use the noun form - "paralysis" - but really the show isn't going to be about paralysis in its main meaning at all.
This website tells us, "Paralysis occurs when you're unable to make voluntary muscle movements. A nervous system problem causes paralysis."
& that's fucking heavy. There's just no way I could do a light-hearted radio show with a topic like paralysis. The internet search that found that web page linked there says in a sidebar - & I don't know if I've ever seen a sidebar like this on a web search - it says "See a doctor immediately if you experience sudden paralysis or weakness in any part of the body."
My hope is that it's obvious that the sort of paralysis one finds in a song is a metaphorical paralysis - or maybe just plain hyperbole. "All I could do is stand there paralyzed," Elvis sang. He wasn't actually paralyzed!
Mostly no one will care, it's just a dumb radio show, but I hope no one thinks I'm going to have songs about paraplegia!
What I will do is play that Legendary Stardust Cowboy tune. I don't think it's the world's worst record! I remember the first time I heard it, on a compilation at KVRX, I immediately played it on the radio.
