The meanest cat in the neighborhood has only three legs, but that doesn't explain why she's so mean. Some say she was just born that way, but the local feline psychologists, who've been close enough to her to hear her grumbling purr, suggest that she wasn't loved much as a kitten, no, not even by her mother.
The leg, incidentally, was lost in a well-publicized spat with an immigrant cat who stupidly thought she could set up a catnip house in the this neck of the woods. The meanest cat in the neighborhood waged bloody war with that interloper & the trained dogs (for all catnip dealers inevitably use thugs like boxers or pit bulls to do their dirty work) brought in as muscle. The meanest cat in the neighborhood lost the leg choking a particularly nasty rottweiler, but even trailing blood she forced the drug dealers out. That, of course, is the subject of the Caldecott Medal-winning children's book "Cat On The Wire."
In any event, the meanest cat in the neighborhood finished her patrols this morning & noticed something odd. There was a sign tacked to the side of telephone pole at the bottom of the hill which read: Vegan Pancakes For Everyone!
(Of course the cat could read! All cats know how to read. Generally speaking, though, they hate English text. They really, really miss hieroglyphics.)
The cat did a double take, or chewed a little on the fur between her naughty bits & her inner thigh. Then she read again, because cats have notoriously bad memories: Vegan Pancakes For Everyone!
She called her friend Sherri, who was a waitress at a vegan cafe in Columbus, but Sherri was probably sleeping it off, since it's Sunday &, as Sherri often points out, "Vodka is vegan!" So she didn't answer the phone.
(Of course cats have cell phones! They just don't call you.)
The meanest cat in the neighborhood just wasn't certain whether the sign was supposed to be a call to action or a wish list or even an indicator of a delicious treat at some event, restaurant or cafe - it didn't say anything else. This made the meanest cat in the neighborhood so angry she hissed at some squirrels who weren't doing anything but will admit that, as they ran away, they peed a little. The meanest cat in the neighborhood shook her head & turned around to go home. The sky told her it was about ten in the morning or thereabouts, so she had to get started or breakfast time would be over soon.
Because even though she was the meanest cat in the neighborhood, she felt it important that everyone trusted signs. Otherwise who would stop at a stop sign? Or leave a house with a no soliciting sign alone? Or detour when a detour was required?
She jumped into someone's window, found the kitchen, gathered the materials, & began to prepare vegan pancakes.
For everyone.
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