Whither Gold?

Generous miser! May we partake in your plethora of gold?

There are too many of you, mouth to feed! There is a finite supply of gold!

Oh healthy miner! That dear metal is so lovely to behold!

Like a dragon I shall guard my hoard. You hordes shall ever look but never touch!

Kind sir, kind sir, this air, it's full of gold dust, can we just breathe a little in?

Think you me a Rumple nor a Stiltskin? What is hard fought is hard won!

Dear familiar stranger, deny us not the luster of that soft, soft aurum!

Oh all right. Form a line at the right. No licking!

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The preceding parable was found many times in antiquity. It was then conveniently lost many other times.

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For scholastic purposes, this ancient dialogue should be read by a monk with a raspy voice. Whenever possible, the part of the inquisitor (known in some academic circles as "the mob") should be read by Dan Castellaneta, the voice of television's "Homer Simpson."

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The meaning of this so-called "poem" has been the basis of several unimpressive scholarly careers & even (it is rumored) one tenure, &, as might be expected, there is no consensus on the actual point of the dialogue. Why does the flattering interlocutor & the group he perhaps represents want so desperately to visit the hoarder's gold stash, besides, you know, the obvious? Why doesn't the wealthy grump employ some armed musclemen to beat back the grasping group, like rich people have done throughout history? Is this some sort of allegory or something? Use the back of the piece of paper if necessary. You are not allowed to use your texts.

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One famous "commentary" on this literary scrap will air on the morning of Monday, March 26, on a radio station called WRFL in Lexington, Kentucky, which, it must be noted, is roughly one hundred miles from Fort Knox, where the majority of United States gold is kept. You can listen to that show from 7:30 to 9am Eastern time on 88.1 fm in the Lexington area or anywhere if you follow this audio link. The show will be archived, reportedly, online at some site called Self Help Radio although that is not a reputable educational journal site so make sure you are wearing your spam pants.