Paraskevidekatriaphobia

Are you afraid of Friday the 13th? You ought not be. But you should. From time immemorial, when we didn't have good records, to time memorial, which is what we also call now, when we have better records but people are instead saving music to their computers, humans all over the place have been afraid of Friday the 13th & that include many people's mothers.

Why would scared parents warn impressionable children of a day like any other which happened to be a Friday &, if the calendar is to be believed, also the 13th? Scholars & circus people alike have spent many hours poring through the annals of human thought (sometimes the two DVD set) overlooking the underpinnings of this nefarious date. Here's something similar to what they found:

- On Friday the 13th, people who otherwise can pronounce English words more or less correctly find certain vowel combinations difficult. "Dairy" becomes "diary." "Tier" becomes "tire." & some for strange reason "beet" becomes "beat."

- On a Friday the 13th when the moon is waxing gibbous, people who drive to work can't get the melody - but not the words - of "Frère Jacques" out of their heads.

- On a Friday the 13th in a Leap Year, any group of thirteen people - even if they don't know each other - must apologize profusely to passers-by or, if they're in an office, or a lobby, or an elevator - mutter undignified excuses to themselves, or else their children's children will be cursed with temporary ineffectualness on important national holidays.

There are terrifying stories about folks who chose to toy with their fates on Friday the 13th, & unfortunately none of them have survived to tell their tales. Here are some moderately accurate recreations:

- On Friday the 13th, 1891, a young man in Ohio refused to offer blandishments to a young maiden who was expecting them, & sixteen years later that young man was forced by President Theodore Roosevelt to put his head in a recently killed moose.

- On Friday the 13th some time in the last seven years, two children who have since stopped being children because of aging were struck by the inherent awfulness of cartoons in the 1980s & never spoke of it again.

- On Friday the 13th when it used to matter, a young minor league Baseball booster decided to cross the street under a ladder walking barefoot over a broken mirror & was accidentally side-swiped by a car owned but not driven by none other than Stevie Wonder's former bodyguard's niece.

How do psychologists treat those with an irrational fear of this day? It turns out it's the same way they treat those with rational fear of this day: with powerful chocolate-scented narcotics. Should you be one of those unfortunate souls without access to decidedly unethical analysts, there are some over-the-counter & over-the-top treatments recommended by those who ought to know better. Try at your own risk.

- Anything with lanolin smeared on any part of you that resembles a sheep.
- A red scarf draped over a blue hat billowing out of a yellow sportscar.
- Reading any three of Shakespeare's sonnets to a surly senior citizen.
- Standing uncomfortably in a hobby store asking uncomfortable questions.
- Calendar avoidance &/or "accidental" date rearranging.

Most of all, you should be entirely aware of the arbitrary nature of this day which happens to be a Friday coinciding with the thirteenth of the month (luckily, not all months have thirteen days). The ancient Eritreans, for example, found Tuesday the 3rd to be full of ill omens, especially if bills were due. Certain South American city-states used to plan no weddings, funerals, or ice cream socials on any Wednesday that fell on a 4th or 14th. & of course certain religious sects have cautioned against going against holy dicta on even-numbered months that fell in odd-numbered years, but you expect that sort of thing from them, don't you?

Hopefully the more information you know about the history of "Friday the 13th," the less you have an irrational fear of it! Have a happy 13th of Friday!