The show - Self Help Radio - was not yet two years old when I got one of the first "criticisms" of it by a listener. I don't remember her name, I just recall she called & said she had noticed that the show tended to be more "negative" than positive. She remembered a show I did called "the broken show" where I played songs & talked about being broken. She mentioned a show about war, about being lost, about being stupid. It occurred to me at the time that maybe she had actually heard only four shows.* But there is no denying it: I am a negative person.
When my sister died a couple of months ago, those in my family who are reflective tried to paint a picture of her that was more complete than the moments we spent with her, especially those last moments. It became very clear to me, at least, that somewhere along the line both she & I had inherited, if not from our mother's behavior, something genetic which made us the blackest of pessimists. As my nephew, her son, said, "I didn't realize how strong the Dickerson** was in her."
In addition to our bleak outlook on life - we "expect the worst" - apparently we're a bunch of quitters. Honestly, I thought it was just me. I have quit a lot of things in my life - I have found catharsis in quitting - but those who see things through obviously disdain even the best intentions for bailing. I don't know enough about my brothers to know exactly what that means, unless it's about quitting work - except for my little brother, who goes to church, I don't know about any of my siblings having hobbies outside of televised sports. I should also ask my nephew what his mother quit that he remembers.
In any event, there is reason to believe I'm something of a failure. I went to college with the intention of becoming a teacher, but that obviously didn't happen. The "career"*** I had for twenty years is not something I want to return to. The thing I've loved most is a thing I will never ever get paid for, which is the radio. Crazy, right?
Do you know those lists of so-called "famous failures" which is designed to make you realize that many successful people fail a lot before they succeed? I know, it's all about inspiring people. But I wish I could find a list of failures that never ever succeeded, never got out of the hole they found themselves in. I can't - they're unmemorable. Although I have an idea
for something to talk about on the show...
Where was I? Oh, I was just thinking of whether I am actually a failure. I confess I don't even know what I'd do if I could somehow find success. Which reminds me of the sad Woodentops line from "Last Time": "I found success in the Eden that we made." Maybe my wonderful life with a wonderful woman & eight infuriatingly wonderful animals makes me a few notches above a failure.
Nah. The Dickerson is too strong in me.
* Actually, someone called me a few months ago on WRFL & mentioned that he liked my show, but that he had only heard it "about four times." So perhaps four times is the average saturation point.
** That's my last name, my sister's maiden name.
*** The job I had after college that I stumbled into.
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