Self Help Radio 053117: Bars

(Original image here.)

Whew!  That was a hell of a night!  When did we finally get home?  Did I throw up in the taxi?

Has a radio show ever come as close to turning itself into a dive bar as this week's Self Help Radio?  Yes, probably in the 1970s so I should just get over myself.  Good lord!  It's just a radio show with a bunch of songs about bars.  It's not like I played pool all night long while playing over & over the only good song on the crappy jukebox, which of course is "Born To Run" by Bruce Springsteen.  In any event, the show was completely dry - & what kind of bar has no beer?

What did happen was that two tavern owners chatted with me about their establishments, & I spoke with a professional Drinking Companion, & my spiritual mentor called & didn't talk much about bars.    Plus all that music.  Which I think was expertly chosen & placed for superior listening enjoyment but you know what I should just get over myself.

The show is available now at the Self Help Radio web page.  Please note the username/password information on the page.  The show is in two parts, & what songs are in each part is listed below.

Ugh, who's going to clean up all this?

(part one)

"Bar Room Polka" Frankie Yankovic & His Yanks _Greatest Polka Hits_
"Corner Street Bar" Dillard & Clark _Through The Morning Through The Night_
"Alabama Song" David Bowie _Scary Monsters (& Super Creeps)_

"'02: Be True To Your Bar" The Magnetic Fields _50 Song Memoir_
"Where Everybody Knows Your Name (Theme From 'Cheers')" The Wedding Present _Singles 1995-97_
"I Tell You With Bars I Am Never Lucky" Rodney Dangerfield _Rappin' Rodney_
"Bar Fly Blues" Jimmy Witherspoon with Jay McShann & His Sextette _The Mercury Blues & Rhythm Story 1945-1955_
"Swinging Doors" Merle Haggard _Down Every Road 1962-1994_

"Happy Hour" The Housemartins _Live At The BBC_
"2 Pints Of Lager & A Packet Of Crisps Please" Splodgenessabounds _Teenage Kicks_
"The Girl Behind The Bar" Johnny Ashcroft _They're A Weird Mob_
"Closing Time" Leonard Cohen _The Future_

"Between The Bars" Tanya Donelly _Say Yes! A Tribute To Elliott Smith_
"Beer Nut" The Lucksmiths _Happy Secret_

(part two)

"Bartender" Laurel Aitken _You Got Me Rockin' (The Blue Beat Years 1960-1964)_
"Too Many Taverns" King Sterling & His Blue Grass Melody Boys _Texas Bop, Vol. 2_
"I Was Dancing In The Lesbian Bar" Jonathan Richman _I, Jonathan_

"Sally Maclennane" The Pogues _Rum, Sodomy, & The Lash_
"A Pub With No Beer" Slim Dusty _The Best Of Slim Dusty_
"Any More Rocket Fuel/Hardhats" Firesign Theatre _Dear Friends_
"No Hope Bar" Holly Golightly _Singles Round-Up_
"Barmaid" Jerry Colonna _Songs For Screaming_

"There Is A Tavern In The Town" Wally Cox _Golden Goofers_
"Wunderbarmaid" Martin Newell _Let's Kiosk!_
"Outside This Bar" American Music Club _Engine_
"All Bar One Girls" The Long Blondes _Someone To Drive You Home_

"Bartender's Blues" Merrill Moore _Boogie My Blues Away_
"Hey Bartender Give That Man A Drink" Jumpin' Joe Williams with Red Saunders & His Orchestra _The OKeh Rhythm & Blues Story 1949-1957_
"This Tavern Boogie" JT Brown _Rockin' With J.T._

Whither Bars?

(A famous television bar.  Image from here.)

Honestly I do wish I spent more time in bars.  I wish I knew a bunch of people who were regulars & I was a regular & I had a tab & when I walked in people were glad to see me & the bartender knew what I wanted to drink.  That's not something that's ever happened to me.

In fact, I kind of hate the whole business model of bars - it's expensive to drink in bars when you compare with buying the booze yourself & enjoying it at home.  I'm not a cheapskate or anything but that's always bugged me - but only because I never had the other benefits of a bar, the friends, the camaraderie, the feeling of belonging.  I should understand I'm paying for more than a drink.

Having said all that, I think this will be a good episode.  I have a fondness for bars because I do like drinking & I do like seeing live music.  I think you will enjoy the show, & maybe you'll even hear it in a bar.  But.  Probably not.

The show's on tonight from 9-11pm eastern, 8-10pm central, on WLXU, 93.9 fm.  It's also online at the Lexington Community Radio page.

Dude!  There's no cover charge!  No one's gonna check your ID!  Just go right in!

Preface To Bars: Favorites

Do you have a favorite bar?  As someone who didn't really start drinking until my mid-20s, I didn't even know - except maybe for TV shows like Cheers - that one could have a favorite bar.  In fact, I've never had a bar like the one in Cheers.  Not even close.

& the more I think about it, all my favorite places to drink were in Austin.  & now they're gone.  Seriously.

The truth is, most of the bars I went to, I didn't go for things like drinking, or atmosphere, or coolness.  I went for one thing: cheese fries.  In my pre-vegan days I would travel far & wide for cheese fries.  With lots of jalapeños on them.  My god.

For fuck's sake I said no bacon!  Assholes.  Yes, I'll wait for you to make a new batch.  Don't just scrape it off!

There was a bar close to downtown Austin that I used to bus to - this was in my bachelor days, when I had no car - just to sit & read & have a couple of beers & eat cheese fries.  This was so long ago & they closed before the turn of the century that I can't remember their name.  I went there with a friend the last night they were open & they were out of beer - I guess they were a brew pub - but the sad thing was also that the kitchen was closed.  I wonder what's there now?  Not a bar, that's for sure.

At some point I became all right with the cheese fries at a place called The Dog & Duck, on Guadalupe.  It was near my work so sometimes we'd go there on Fridays to drink & hang out.  It closed some time back, but I just checked & they've opened a new location in East Austin.  I don't go back to Austin very much anymore but I doubt I'd go back there.  For one thing, I mainly went for the cheese fries.  & I don't eat cheese anymore.

A great bar with a great jukebox was Lovejoy's, which closed four years ago.  During South By Southwest they'd have cool day shows; I practiced (& mostly failed) picking up pretty girls there.  It was right off Sixth Street, near KOOP, & I'd occasionally stop in for a pint after a meeting.  It was usually crowded, but I'd find a lonesome spot to watch the proceedings.  Chain smoking miserably.  Funny how you can miss such things.

& it would be remiss not to say something about Club DeVille.  Not a favorite of mine - it was more a cocktail bar than anything else - but it was cool to take women there.  Also, I deejayed there a couple of times for KOOP, so when it closed it was like, There's no proof left anymore you did anything Gary.

For whatever reason, I never went to a lot of bars in Lexington, so I don't really have an opinion about any of them.  & I have only been to one place here in Fort Worth, where I saw a show, & didn't even drink.  There's a pub down the street (within walking distance, sort of) called the Royal Falcon Pub but I've read on Yelp that the place is choked with cigarette smoke which made me realize that Fort Worth isn't smoke-free.  That's kind of fucked-up.  It's 20damn17 folks!

Maybe I won't be exploring bars here for a while.

Blow-By-Blow Play-By-Play

What am I doing? Editing the interviews that will appear on the show this week.  What?  You thought they were live?  I haven't been hiding anything!

They're pretty funny this week but I had such a good time with them & so they are long, long, looooooonnng.  That makes them hard to edit, because I don't want to cut out too much hilarity.  Usually my solution to this is quite simply to cut out as much of me as possible, so that's been the plan.  Just know that when you hear something that sounds like it might have been expanded upon, it might have been - it just didn't fit into the allotted time.

Really though I very much enjoy this process - so much so that I wish I could do it for more things.  Like, there's been talk by the person who plays my spiritual mentor the Rev. Dr. Howard Gently of having the "good" "doctor" branch out into his own podcast.  I would love to be involved with that - especially editing it.  I would not be creating any content - perhaps playing the naïve soul around the doc as I do on the radio - but I'd be glad to do with that what I do with my show.

It's like a variation on that Smiths line - "& when you want to live, where do you start, where do you go, who do you need to know?"  Perhaps I should make more friends, then make them start podcasts, & then offer to edit the podcasts for them.  It seems like so much work to get so much work, though.

Between you & me, I've thought about making a kind of podcast of stuff that I find that's not music related, to be around thirty minutes each, featuring me talking & samples & other things, but I am always less motivated to do something for me than if it's something for someone else.  If Self Help Radio didn't air weekly, I'd probably never get around to it.

Okay, thanks for taking this break with me.  Back to the editing process!

This Long Weekend

Whatcha doin'?  I'm going to see these guys tonight:



The new album I am enjoying quite a bit, although I do kinda wish the band had decided to ape the goth style on all the tracks, not just this first one.

By the way, doesn't that song sound like a kind of riff on this song:



?

Self Help Radio 052417: Questions

(Original image here.)

Despite the fact that you think you know me, that you think because this week's show was about questions, I will not pepper this post-show summary with a bunch of questions.  Because although I am often obvious, & sadly predictable, I am also moderately self-aware & realize when I am being corny, hacky, & tiresome.  Not always, but sometimes, & I realize that, after a show about questions in which I often added questions to the airbreaks to emphasize that the show was about questions, doing that now is just too much.

Instead, in simple declarative sentences, I will just inform you that this week's show is now available for listening to, no questions asked, at the Self Help Radio web page, where you will be asked for a username & a password, both of which are on the page, so don't be freaked out by that.  The show is in two parts, around an hour each, & feature lots of music about questions, as well as interviews with a spiritual dude, a know-it-all, & an educator.  The songs I played are listed below.

It was a fun show to make so I hope it's fun to listen to.  Please let me know if you have any questions.

Well.  That was easy!  Wasn't it.

(part one)

"Too Many Questions" The Wave Pictures _If You Leave It Alone_
"Sex & Question Marks" The Wombats _Glitterbug_
"A Question Of Temperature" The Balloon Farm _Nuggets (Original Artyfacts From The First Psychedelic Era 1965-1968) Vol. 3_

"Questions I Can't Answer" Dan Atello _Ya Gotta Have Moxie, Vol. 1_
"The Burning Question" Bill Nelson _The Two-Fold Aspect Of Everything_
"Hospital Questionnaire" Tig Notaro _Live_
"Hunderttausend Fragen" Vicky Leandros _Pop In Germany, Vol. 5_

"Question This" Milk Kan _The Junk Shop_
"There Are More Questions Than Answers" Johnny Nash _I Can See Clearly Now_
"(We'd Like To) Pose A Question" The L.A. Carnival _Would Like To Pose A Question_
"A Question Of Lust" Depeche Mode _Black Celebration_

"Don't Ask Me Questions" Graham Parker _Howlin' Wind_

(part two)

"Questioningly" The Just Joans _No More Of Your Fairy Stories: An Indiepop Loveletter To The Ramones_
"A Lover's Question" Clyde McPhatter _Greatest Hits_
"2 My Question" Dressy Bessy _Little Music_

"Questions I Can't Answer" Hydroplane _Darla 100_
"Question Girl All Right" Boston Spaceships _Zero To 99_
"Vet Questionnaire" Mike Birbiglia _Dog Years_
"Question Ball" The Bongos _Drums Along The Hudson_
"Ask Me No Questions" Johnny Thunders _So Alone_

"Don't Ask Me No Questions" Lord Charles & The Prophets _Quagmire, Vol. 3_
"It's Out Of The Question" The Isley Brothers _The Motown Anthology_
"I Keep Asking You Questions" Black Ivory _Shaolin Soul (Episode 2)_
"Question The Answer" Shiela Chandra _Nada Brahma_

"Who Cares What The Question Is?" A Band Of Bees _Octopus_
"Question Mark" This Poison! _Magazine 1986-1988

Whither Questions?

(Image from here.)

In the interest of full disclosure, I have to tell you that I kinda stole the idea for this week's show from another radio show.

But oh I can hear you say, or is it just me, "Gary, every radio show does some kind of theme every now & then.  You're the weirdo that's been doing a show where there's a different theme each week for like fifteen years!"

It's true, I guess, but I do listen to a show - & I've mentioned it before - on the college radio station in Fort Worth called Night Skool which also organizes itself around particular themes.  Last week's show, for example, was new music from the past few years, while the week before was a "non-sequitur" show.  But a couple weeks before that, the show was a question show, which may seem familiar to anyone who is reading this that has caught on that this week's Self Help Radio is also a show about questions.

But you know I can't do anything in a straightforward manner, even copying something, so where Night Skool featured songs that asked questions - like "What Becomes Of The Broken-Hearted?" or "Why Don't We Do It In The Road?" - Self Help Radio is featuring songs about questions.  That means that my show isn't entirely a rip-off of the Night Skool show.  But I had to say that I was inspired by the other program to explore this week's theme.

So I guess I shouldn't have said "stole the idea."  Maybe I just wanted to be a little dramatic.  Perhaps also I thought you might be more interested in a dumb explanation of why a dumb radio show has another dumb theme if there were larceny involved.  Did it work?

Self Help Radio's playing songs about questions tonight on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington & online everywhere at Lexington Community Radio dot org.  From 9-11pm eastern, 8-10pm central.  I hope you'll listen.

Wait.  Maybe I should say: I hope you'll listen?

Preface To Questions: Garrulous Vs Querulous

One day I was driving in a car with my high school American History teacher, Mr. Bridwell.  He had taken me to a bookstore - & before you say anything, I know it's weird to hang out with teachers when you're in high school, but I admired him, & he seemed to like me & it was fun going to a bookstore with him because we both loved books.  One time, I remember, when I saw him later, when I was in college, & deeply in love with The Smiths, I quoted Morrissey to him:

There's more to life than books, you know
But not much more

He laughed approvingly.

Anyway, we were in a car, & he was in a good mood, & he made a little joke to himself about me, almost as if I weren't even there, because I was yammering away about something, he said, "Garrulous Gary."  Because I did talk & talk & talk in those days, & mostly about meaningless stuff.  I did, & I do.  But he had made a funny in his head with a word & my name, & he said it out loud, & he laughed.

The weird thing is, since he wasn't talking to me, & he said it somewhat quietly, I thought he said, "Querulous Gary."  & I stopped talking because, well, I knew what that word meant.  It means complaining & whining.  & I didn't think I was doing that.  (I knew the word's meaning, actually, because it was an SAT word I had learned the previous year.)

My feelings were a little hurt, but I did my best to hide them, & probably wasn't as chatty the rest of the drive.  Luckily we were on our way home when this happened.

Why didn't I ever ask him why he said that?  It would have been a simple question!  Because, as you might have realized, I heard him later called me "Garrulous Gary" & realized I had misheard.

But just asking at the time would have saved me a lot of hurt feelings.

These Despairing Carp

No, he said at himself, that sounds too much like a Robyn Hitchcock song title.

Not an album? said the creature reading his thoughts.

Not an album, he said at himself, because the thoughts of the creature reading his thoughts sounded, in his head, like his own thoughts.

That's why, the creature now reading my thoughts said to me, I am so lonesome.

You're in luck! I told the creature reading my thoughts.  For I have made you up, & therefore I know you exist.  In fact, I continued, I even know what kind of creature you are!

What about me? said the person who was going to be the protagonist of this little tale until the creature who could read thoughts turned out to be far more interesting.

Ignore him, said the creature reading my thoughts.  Maybe write a tragedy for him?  Like an elevator falling on his shoes?

But, I said to the creature reading my thoughts, though I knew I was being overheard by the person who was previously going to be the protagonist of this story, I didn't originally think this would a tragedy.  I had hoped it would be a little funny.  Perhaps whimsical.  I mean, it's called "These Despairing Carp!"

That sounds sad, said the creature reading my thoughts.  Who wants carp to be sad?

Jeff, said the person who was, at this story's outset, its hero.

What? I said.

My name is Jeff, Jeff said.

That's fascinating, I said to Jeff.  Because I hadn't given you a name.

You had, Jeff replied.  You just hadn't written it down.

The subconscious can be fucking strange, I said admiringly.

& lonely! said the creature reading my thoughts.

Well, I said to both of them, I appear to have backed myself into a narrative corner.

How so? asked Jeff, because he thought I was only talking to him.

Not to hurt your feelings, I said, but I am no longer interested in you as the protagonist, & frankly I am finding the creature who can read our thoughts to be a little too self-pitying.

The what that can do what? said Jeff.

Great, said the creature who could read our thoughts, now I have to kill him.

What would I think such a thing? Jeff asked himself.  I am a monster! he cried, running far away.

The creature who could read my thoughts then turned to me & said, I guess I'll have to kill you now.

Honestly, I said, I am really surprised this took such a dark turn.  However, I have the perfect way to stop you from hurting me or anyone.

What is that? said the creature who could read my thoughts, skeptically.

Oh, I said, it's this:

THE END

Then I pushed "publish" on the blog & went to go eat an apple.

What Kind Of Fantastic Trees Have You Got Growing Around Here?

You live long enough, the world finds its way back to both brilliance & tragedy.  I am so happy I get to return to Twin Peaks tonight.

Self Help Radio 051717: Firsts

(Original image here.)

This is far from the first Self Help Radio I've ever done.  I actually don't have an exact number, but if I've done a show every week for fourteen & a half years - which I haven't - I've done about 750 shows or more.  (That's probably bad math.)  While I did do a hello show, which was technically the first SHR, I also did a goodbye show which was far from the last SHR.  So nothing means anything is the lesson?  I guess.

This week, though, I focused on firsts.  It's crazy to think that there are some firsts - like first human in space - that only one person will ever get, while there are other firsts - first time in Hawaii! - that lots of people get to share.  & there are contradictions, too: every animal in my house, including the human female I live with, is first in my heart.  Is that possible?  Of course it is!

It does trouble me that this might be the first Self Help Radio someone has ever listened to.  But then that would trouble me with every show, so that's not a first for me.  In any case, the show is now at the Self Help Radio website, waiting patiently for you to be the first to listen.  The song played are below.  So many firsts!

(part one)

"The First Day Of Spring" Friends _The First Day Of Spring EP_
"First Few Desperate Hours" The Mountain Goats _Tallahassee_
"First Love" The Bartlebees _From Path Of Pain To Jewels Of Glory_

"First Bus" The Smittens _Believe Me_
"Our First Fight" Jens Lekman _Life Will See You Now_
"Ladies First" Shel Silverstein _A Light In The Attic_
"First Aid" The Wibbley Brothers _Go Weird_
"The First Cut" Eurthymics _Touch_

"The First One" Gary Valentine _Tomorrow Belongs To You_
"The Girl He First Met" Zuzu's Petals _The Music Of Your Life_
"First I Look At The Purse" The Contours _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 5: 1965_
"First Love Never Die" Soko _I Thought I Was An Alien_

"First Notebook" The Railway Children _Reunion Wilderness_

(part two)

"You Are My First Love" Pat Hunt _Los Angeles Soul: Kent-Modern's Black Music Legacy_
"I Dumped You First" God Help The Girl _God Help The Girl (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)_
"First Cigarette In The Rain" Jerusalem & The Starbaskets _Dost_
"First Tell Me Why" Clefs Of Lavender Hill _Stop! Get A Ticket_

"Who’s On First" Abbott & Costello _When Radio Was King_
"McGuillicutty & Green" The Kids In The Hall _Season One_
"The First Cut Is The Deepest" Cat Stevens _On The Road To Find Out_
"The First Time You Saw Snow" Shirley Lee _Shirley Lee_

"My First UFO" Figurine _Transportation + Communication = Love_
"First One Today" The Fall _Sub-Lingual Tablet_
"The First Boy" Frankie & The Heartstrings _The Days Run Away_
"One Of These Things First" Nick Drake _Bryter Layter_

"In Love For The Very First Time" Talulah Gosh _They've Scoffed The Lot_
"First Summer In A City" Free Cake For Every Creature _Talking Quietly Of Anything With You_
"First Of A Million Love Songs" The Pooh Sticks _Optimistic Fool_

Whither Firsts?

(Image from here.)

Wow, it just occurred to me that I have no real idea where I got the idea of a show about firsts.  But I do know that, when I was a kid & learning about ordinal numbers, I was almost taught "first" incorrectly because of a smart-ass kid two years older than I was.

His name was Todd & he lived in our apartment complex.  We were learning about ordinal numbers - I'm not sure they used that word, but whatever - & we were taught that, except for one, two, & three, you formed an ordinal by adding a -th to the end - you know, four becomes fourth, five becomes fifth, thirty becomes thirtieth, million becomes millionth.  The exceptions were first, second, & third.

This kid managed to convince me - I was little, I probably didn't need much convincing - that it was perfectly all right - in fact it was what they would teach us later, because it was proper English - to say oneth, twoth, threeth.  I took some delight in knowing something as such a tender age that only adults - proper adults - knew.  But I was delighted to a fault - I wanted to show it off.

& the only person I knew who'd truly "get" it was my teacher*, so I told her.  & she said, "That's wrong.  Whoever told you that was wrong."

Knowing that Todd was bigger, older, & probably likely to hit me, I never told him that his trick didn't work.  & he fucked with us constantly, so he didn't mention it again.

Perhaps I should dedicate this week's show to Todd, wherever he might be (he's probably still living in Garland, Texas).  It's on from 8-10pm central, 9-11pm eastern, on 93.9 fm in Lexington & online everywhere at Lexington community radio dot org.  Be the first to listen!  But there's no first prize for doing so.

* Surprisingly, I never thought to ask my older siblings.  I understand not mentioning it to my mother - she's German, English is her second language, I couldn't be sure she'd know the "proper" way to speak.

Preface To Firsts: Twenty-Sixth Hundredth

Tomorrow - not today - will make the twenty-sixth hundred post in this blog.  I usually make a big deal out of it - I'm sure there are more people who have written more on their blogs, but surely writing 2,600 discrete blocks of text (& some pictures, most of which came from somewhere else) is a kind of achievement.

But.  I don't imagine anyone cares but me.  So, for the first time on this blog - & this is not related to this week's theme! - I am not going to mention on the blog on the day I get to the next notch of one hundred posts.

Do people still call them "posts," by the way?  I have used that word since my days on the Usenet, but I'm not sure what people call individual blog entries.  "Entries"?  Anyway.

"Hey, Gary," I hear myself hear you say to me, "aren't you making a big deal about it now?"

Well, no, because this is the 2599th entry.  Shit, that's a big number.  Maybe I should be making a big deal about it.

"Hey Gary," the voice in my head says because I forgot to stop listening to it, "are you trying to have your cake & eat it too?"

Listen, man - you try writing shit down 2599 times.  You write about dumb shit.  Here's an entry from  the 1300 series - so, roughly half the show ago:

Do you worry about urinary tract infections? Or do you have a urologist on speed dial? Could there be such things as lousy urologists? Wouldn't someone enter that profession to make the most money possible? So wouldn't they want to be the best urologist possible? This is something perhaps you know.

That's the sort of thing one might write if:

a) one really had nothing to say; &
2) one wrote in a blog five days a week

Indeed, this is not celebrating.  This is a collection of thoughts I need to share with my therapist.

Often Apologizing

Listening to music for this week's show, which has the theme "firsts," I found myself slowly realizing I had hours - hours - of music I could play.  But I was only going to get one hundred & twenty minutes.  There had to be some kind of filter to decide what was going to get played.  & that filter, alas, is what I like.

This happened last week with the Johnny show.  So many songs about different Johnnys!  & yet, I ended up playing what I liked best.  That doesn't seem fair.

Don't get me wrong - I am nervous about shows where the theme is kinda hard, & I can barely find enough for the show.  But I am self-conscious enough to worry that - even after fifteen years - my taste in music might not be what's best for the show.

So please accept my apologies.  I know Self Help Radio is my show, I've been doing it for a very long time, & I never play music I really hate or even dislike on it.  But when I have so much music to sift through, & I gravitate toward the Morrissey song, I feel a little guilty.

Maybe this week I won't do that?  Probably not.

At This Point I Have No Idea How Much I Talk About Driving

If one drives south down I-35 from the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex, one notices that the scenery gets sparser, the trees get shorter, &, if it's at all possible, the sun gets brighter.

What could make the sun noticeably brighter just a few lines of latitude south?  Perhaps the same thing that makes the sky seem larger once one drives away from the hills of Appalachia into the more open areas in central & western Kentucky: perspective.

But at this point I don't want to write about that particular stray observation I made during a brief visit to Austin this weekend; I have another one in mind.  I want to mention that, since I lived in Austin for over twenty years, I made the trip up & down I-35 numerous times.  I waited through countless construction projects, I groaned when the city filled up for SXSW & ACL & other capital letters that aren't really acronyms since they don't spell anything.  I watched helplessly as NAFTA turned a sleepy artery that lazily connected Dallas with the town of Laredo - where the art of the siesta is all you wanted to cultivate during the summer which lasted from March to November - into a choked vein of Wal-Mart semis & U-Haul trailers & car, SUVs, cars, trucks, SUVs, & cars (& trucks).  & it didn't seem like it could ever get much worse.

But it's much, much worse.

There's a fuzzy memory - alcohol was involved, I'm sure - of me on a warm summer's night, it's very late, I'm with a girl, neither of us have cars, the buses are no longer running, we're going to a place called Star Seeds, an all-night diner where the ex-junkie fry cooks in the back listen to death metal at a deafening volume, & it's on the other side of the highway.  We happen to be somewhere between 26th Street (now called Dean Keaton) & 38th Street, & I suppose we could just walk down to 32nd street, where we could cross over & under the highway simultaneously - at this point I-35 has split into a "lower level," where you can exit at the streets I've just mentioned, & an "upper level," which bypasses those exits in a hopefully "express" manner - but instead, feeling frisky, we simply clamber onto the lower level, walk to the median (which has a concrete barrier we also have to climb over) & then walk to the other side, where we find a way up, & stumble, laughing, onto the frontage road.*

It's after 3am I'm sure.  There are no cars on the road.  No trucks, nothing.  Well, maybe on the upper level.

That doesn't happen anymore.  There's no way you could do that now.  It's a harrowing game of real-life Frogger if you try.  & think of this: if that's the case all night long in Austin, what is it like during the day, when most people are awake?

It's a nightmare.

A three-hour drive in 2007 is now a four-hour drive.  Without any sign of workers, or accidents, or anything but obvious construction - always, always the widening of the highway - traffic just stops.  Stops for a half-hour or more.  I was told it was worse on the way to Austin than on the way from, but if anything, today, it was worse coming back to Fort Worth.

Nothing said here is a revelation, & anyone who lives in Texas knows this.  In fact, it's almost as bad here in DFW, but, perhaps as my wife says, the highways are better here.  Nor do I have any solutions  - I am certainly not a civil engineer nor any kind of city planner sort.

But sort of like how badly we think our government is run, & yet continue to return the same desperately terrible congresspeople back again & again, it's a wonder we endure the exhausting awfulness of our highway system.

Well, some of us.  My friends in Austin tell me this: "We just don't go out very much anymore."

It's not, I assume, because the sun is much brighter there.  Or maybe it is, since they've had to cut down more trees to both build & to make room for bigger highways.

*Austinites can feel free to call bullshit on this story, as I'm pretty sure it didn't happen this way.  We either crossed below 26th street or I am conflating that story with one when I cross just north of 51st street from the Cameron Road side to the sleazy hotels & massage parlors on the west frontage road.  The point is, I made this crossing more than once, & with at least two different women.  Anyway.  It doesn't matter exactly how it happened.  In one case, we were definitely going to Star Seeds.  In both cases, there were almost no cars - or no cars - on the road.

Self Help Radio 051017: A Show Called Johnny

(Most images made creepy taken from here.)

Look!  It's Saturday!  Normally I post on a Thursday!  What the hell is wrong with me?

Boy do I wish I could blame this on a Johnny.  But I can't.  Got too busy, actually put this on the web page yesterday, forgot to say anything.

Something is said now.  This week's show, which is full of songs about Johnnys both famous & not, is available to be listened to whether your name is Johnny or not at the Self Help Radio website.  There's a username & password, but both are on the main page, so if you can't find them, maybe ask someone named Johnny,  he (or she) might be able to help.  Then you can tell him (or her) about the show, that it's in two parts, & he (or she) can see all the songs about people named Johnny that were played this week, which are listed below.

Enjoy your weekend!  I'm going to find a new friend who I hope has the name Johnny.

(part one)

"Johnny Angel" Bunnygrunt _Johnny Angel_
"Poor Old Johnny" Twinkle _Golden Lights_
"Ask Johnny Dee" The Chesterfields _CD86: 48 Tracks From The Birth Of Indie Pop_

"Johnny B Goode" Chuck Berry _The Chess Box_
"English Civil War" The Clash _Give 'Em Enough Rope_
"Johnny Carson" Space Ghost _Yeah, Whatever..._
"The Johnny Carcinogenic Show" Billy Bragg _Mr. Love & Justice_
"Johnny Mathis' Feet" American Music Club _Mercury_

"The Rebel Johnny Yuma" Johnny Cash _The Essential Johnny Cash_
"A Front Row Seat To Hear Ole Johnny Sing" Shel Silverstein _Freakin' At The Freakers Ball_
"Whiskey Johnny" Michael Gira _Son Of Rogue's Gallery: Pirate Ballads, Sea Songs, & Chanteys_
"The Boy Looked At Johnny" The Libertines _Up The Bracket_
"Johnny, Are You Queer?" Josie Cotton _Just Can't Get Enough: New Wave Hits Of The 80s, Vol. 6_

"Johnny" Suicide _Suicide_
"Johnny Anorak" The Secret History _The World That Never Was_

(part two)

"Little Johnny Jewel" Television _Singles: The Great New York Singles Scene_
"Johnny Miner" The Mekons _So Good It Hurts_
"Johnny Too Bad" The Slicker _The Harder They Come OST_

"Johnny The Moondog Is Dead" Cleaners From Venus _Under Wartime Conditions_
"Johnny Marr" Permafrost _In Harm's Way_
"Johnny Thunders" Vic Godard _The End Of The Surrey People_
"Johnny Thunders Fantasy Space Camp" Shilpa Ray _Last Year's Savage_

"I'll Be Your Jonny On The Spot" Ween _The Mollusk_
"Johnny Delusional" FFS _FFS_
"Keep Away From Johnny" Hunx & His Punx _Too Young To Be In Love_
"Johnny" Stereo Total _Oh Ah_
"A Girl Called Johnny" The Waterboys _The Waterboys_

"Johnny I Hardly Knew You" Easterhouse _Contenders_
"Johnny Was A Good Boy" The Mystery Trend _Love Is The Song We Sing (San Francisco Nuggets 1965-1970)_
"Johnny" Saturday Looks Good To Me _One Kiss Ends It All_

Whither A Show Called Johnny?

(It just seemed appropriate.  Image from here.)

Yesterday I explained why I am calling this "A Show Called Johnny," & today I'll explain why I am doing "A Show Called Johnny."  It's because of Chuck Berry dying.  I wanted to play a Chuck Berry song & say something about his influence.  I picked "Johnny B. Goode" as the song & I built a show around that theme.

You might ask, "Why not just do a show like you do where you play a bunch of people covering Chuck Berry?"  I might answer, "I thought of that."  But I never got farther than the thought.

Tell all your friends named Johnny that there's a show full of songs about Johnnys tonight on Self Help Radio on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington & online at Lexington community radio dot org.  Johnny time is 9-11pm eastern, 8-10 pm central.

You can listen if your name isn't Johnny.  Johnnys won't mind.

Preface To A Show Called Johnny: Famous Johnnys

Do you have a favorite Johnny?  Music lovers will doubtless think of Johnny Cash, but if you're more indie you'll think of Johnny Marr, & if more punk you'll think of Johnny Ramone - or maybe Johnny Thunders.  Old-time jazz fans may mention Johnny Dodd, while the more lounge-y crowd might mention Johnny Mathis.  & those are just a few of the musicians!

There are lots of Johnnys, wow!

The reason this show is called "A Show Called Johnny" & not just "Johnny" as I did with other name shows, like Bill & Emily is because I'm making a reference to a Waterboys song, specifically "A Girl Called Johnny."  There's a video for it!



Man, Karl Wallinger is super scrawny in that video.  My life might have been different is the videos that I am now discovering for songs I loved thirty years ago were as easily available as they are now.  But also, to be fair, when I was a teenager, the internet would have fucked me up.

That's all.

Johnny Realization

The show this week has the theme "A Show Called Johnny."  It will feature songs about people named Johnny, both famous & otherwise.

It made me wonder - do I know anyone named Johnny?

It turns out that I have seven Facebook friends named John, but none that I would ever really call Johnny.  There are also no Johnnys in my family.

But come to think of it - no, I can't think of any of my German relatives - from my mother's side of the family - being named Johan or Johannes.

The Johnnys I remember from my school days were kind of troublemakers.  Maybe Johns stop calling themselves Johnny when they grow up because Johnnys are known to be hoodlums.

Still, hopefully there'll be some Johnnys who appreciate a radio show about them this week!

New Intro Time Again Again Again Again Again!

It's that time again.  Actually, last week was that time again, but I was out of town eight days out of fourteen & couldn't carve out a few hours to work on this.  But!  This week's show will feature a new intro to the show.

Some history: With the exception of 2004 - & I don't know why I didn't do it except maybe I had other things on my mind - there has been a new Self Help Radio intro each year.  In the beginning, it was usually at the start of a show schedule - I'm sure the first few showed up whenever I did them - but by the time the show ended up at WRFL, I would do a new intro at the beginning of the summer semester, or at least at the end of the spring semester - around May 1st was the general time.   Or maybe it happened when KOOP started a bi-yearly schedule change.  I don't know.  It ain't important.

The show of course is now at a community radio station, which doesn't have semester schedules, but I guess I'll stick with changing the intro out every year around May.  Hey!  It's May.  It's time for a new intro!

So if you tune in to the show Wednesday, at 8 pm eastern, you'll hear this:

The Self Help Radio 2017-2018 Intro!

I hope that some time soon it'll be heard in the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex.

Perhaps you'd like to hear the intros from shows of self help past?  Okay.

You can listen to the 2002 intro (my first!) here.

You can listen to the 2003 intro here.

You can listen to the 2005 intro here.

You can listen to the 2006 intro here.

You can listen to the 2007 intro here.

You can listen to the 2008 intro here.

You can listen to the 2009 intro here.

You can listen to the 2010 intro here.

You can listen to the 2011 intro here.

You can listen to the 2012 intro here.

You can listen to the 2013 intro here.

You can listen to the 2014 intro here.

You can listen to the 2015 intro here.

You can listen to the 2016 intro here.

& of course you'll get pretty sick of it soon.  I do.  My apologies.

Self Help Radio 050317: Turn It

(I used a couple of images for this, the originals of which are here & here.)

First of all, sorry this is a day late.  I had a lot of things to catch up to after being away for a few days, & needed most of yesterday to catch up.  The show was actually on the website yesterday, but since no one ever really visits the website, no one knew.

Second of all, sorry the show this week was kinda lame.  As I said on the show, the music is fine, & the theme, while a bit dumb, may have lent itself to interesting discussions - I just didn't have the time to do much work on it.

So many apologies!  If there are other things I need to apologize for, don't let me know - just understand that I am sorry.  & when you're sorry in italics, you're really quite sorry.

You can listen to the show (if you still want to after that preamble) at the Self Help Radio website.  You will need a username & a password, but luckily both of those things are on the front page.  The show is in two parts, & what's in each part is below.

Here's hoping your turn it on & turn it up!

(part one)

"Turn It On" Don Covay _The Boys Of Cameo Parkway, Vol. 1_
"Turn It Up" The Reegs _Return Of The Seamonkeys_
"Turn It Down" The Draytones _Up In My Head_

"Turn It On" The Enemy UK _Streets In The Sky_
"Turn It On" Franz Ferdinand _Tonight_
"Turn It Off" Deap Vally _Femejism_
"Turn It Up" Robots In Disguise _Get Rid!_

"Bring The Noise" Public Enemy _It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back_
"Turn It Up A Little" The Nextmen _Amongst The Madness_
"We Turn It On (feat. Doug E Fresh)" Slick Rick _The Art Of Storytelling_
"Give It Up Or Turnit A Loose" James Brown _The Singles, Volume 5: 1967-1969_

"Turn It Around" Hüsker Dü _Warehouse: Songs & Stories_
"Turn It On Me" Antietam _Opus Mixtum_
"Turn It Around" Len Price 3 _Rentacrowd_

(part two)

"Turn It On" The Creatures _Anima Animus_
"Turn It Off" Andrew Rannells & Cast _The Book Of Mormon_

"I Can't Turn It Off" D.P. Costello _Unfaithful Music & Soundtrack Album_
"Turn It My Way" The Halo Benders _The Rebels Not In_
"Turn It On" The Flaming Lips _Transmissions From The Satellite Heart_
"Turn It On" Sleater-Kinney _Dig Me Out_

"Turn It Up" Stars _No One Is Lost_
"Don't Turn It Off" Wolfie _Putting It Together (B-Sides 1997-2000)_
"Turn It Up" Lisa Prank _Adult Teen_
"Turning It On" The Vaselines _Sex With An X_
"Turn It On" The Skeptics _Highs In The Mid Sixties, Vol. 8: The South_

"I Can't Turn It Off" The Pheifer Ashman Kickbush _Games_
"Turn It Up" Wally Richie _Turn It Up_
"When The Music Is On, Turn It Off!" Luise Pop _The Car The Ship The Train_

Whither Turn It?

(There's a record label called "Turn It" & this is their logo.  Their Twitter feed is where I found it.)

As I might have mentioned on this blog, I went away for a few days.  I suppose I could have just taken the week off, reran an old show, or asked someone else to sub the show, because I knew I wouldn't have the time to work on the show that I usually take.  It may not be obvious to you, because the show usually turns out quite pitiful, but I do spend a long time listening to lots of music, editing interviews, making what I ironically call "funnies," stuff like that.  Things I would not be able to do if I were in another city in another state for four days, which I was.

But I'm back now, & the show's tonight, & I thought it should be at the very least listenable (sometimes a high bar for SHR) & I thought it would be fun to feature songs that feature the words "turn it" in some capacity: turn it on, turn it off, turn it up, turn it down, turn it around, turn it any & every way.  There were some very good songs & so the show is a little bit of me yammering & a lot of songs telling you how you can turn it.  I think it'll be fine.  I hope it'll be fine.  Okay now I'm not so sure.  Damn it.

The show is on tonight on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington, & online at LCR online - just make sure you choose "WLXU." It's on from 8-10pm central, 9-11pm eastern.  You can turn it off at anytime, just make sure that you turn it on at least once.

Preface To Turn It: Last Day Of Vacation

Tomorrow I'll try to explain how & why a radio show would have a theme like "turn it" - although I suppose the show has never shied away from dumb themes - so you shouldn't be surprised, nor will you by this week's show.

No, what I wanted to do is just say how incredible it was to see the Magnetic Fields perform their new record 50 Song Memoir live over two nights.  It's a wonderful record but - & how I wish the bands I love could do this regularly - it was lovely & insightful to have a stage with projected images (including fascinating animation) as well as the songwriter himself put the songs into context.  I found myself afterwards daydreaming about albums I wish I could see performed with the musician letting us know his or her thoughts behind the songs.

Of course, not all albums are openly autobiographical - or labelled as such - nor are most records opaque or downright inscrutable.  But still.  It was a superb experience, surely one of the best shows I'll see in my life, & I have my wife to thank for it.  She saw the show in Brooklyn last year as a birthday present from her oldest sister, & loved it so much she bought tickets to see it here, where her mother lives, & brought me along to experience it.  That's true romance.

What's not true romance is that, when we got back to our rental car after the show, we saw this:

No, not the empty bag of brand new Jalapeño Fritos!  The busted-in driver's side window!

We weren't the only people on the block who were victims - we talked to a young couple whose car had also been broken into, although the young lady bemoaned that they had only stolen "a gym bag with some dirty workout clothes & my only other pair of jeans," then remembered, "also my tampons."  All in a night's work!  The young man said it was the eighth time that this has happened to him in two years.

Which makes you wonder, how is that possible?  Well, it may be because of this: we called the police to report the incident & were told they were way too busy to come by but we could call back in four or five hours or file an incident report online.  My wife did this - the car was in her name - on his phone while we stood for about an hour on a street corner where someone felt they could break into people's cars with impunity.  We had to do that because we needed the incident report to give to the rental car company so we wouldn't have to pay for the window.

There wasn't anything of value in the car.  (Leftovers for dinner were in the trunk, which was not opened nor searched.)  But really, that's not the point.  If you know for a fact that the police don't give a shit about investigating or prosecuting car break-ins, & you're inclined to such a career, you're probably going to do so whether there's anything worth stealing - & stealing things, like tampons, which are bound to be worthless anyway.

As well, car break-ins, like other property crimes, are just not prosecuted.  (Well, maybe 

in some places, but that's a rare exception.) In the Reddit thread linked above, one person mentions they don't even report it - which doubtless makes breaking into vehicles - especially when you can find guns - & targeting tourists (like me) enough they want to make a law to warn tourists of the likelihood - well, it makes the crime a win-win.  You might find something, you might not - but you're most probably not ever going to get in trouble for it.  It's a big problem.

I've visited the Bay Area over a dozen times in this century & never had this happen before.  The good thing is, though it was an unhappiness, we weren't hurt, & it didn't change how I felt about the show.  If the Magnetic Fields come anywhere near you with this two-night show, do try to see them.  Although maybe look into whether the city is having a smash & grab epidemic beforehand?

Still On Vacation!

Didn't think that people who live in one city in one state who do radio shows in a different city in a different state get to take vacations, do you?  Very often that is not the case.  But!  A thoughtful wife thought I'd think that the Magnetic Fields would be a show I'd think marvelous, & if last night is any indication, I think I'll have thought both nights unthinkably great.  It would thoughtless for me to think otherwise!

But yes, there'll be another unthinking Self Help Radio this week.

On Vacation!

I'm seeing the Magnetic Fields tonight.  But I'll be back in time to do the show this week.  (Like you care.)

Self Help Radio 042617: Indiepop A To Z # 53

(Most, if not all, of these images came from Discogs.)

This week's show continued a series that threatens to turn into an obsession - indeed, it could be its own radio show!  If it were, this episode, the fifty-third, would be the first episode after an entire year of shows.  Imagine that.  No, don't.  I shouldn't be encouraged with this behavior.

In any event: we have made our way through the letter L & have begun the letter M.  M may take a few episodes - I don't really look too far ahead, so I can't be too sure - but I just got through to the band Males.  I am prepared to stay with the letter M for a while.

The show is at the Self Help Radio website now, should you want to listen.  In case you've never done this before, you need a username & password; the username is SHR & the password is selfhelp.  The show is in two parts, & the songs I played, in glorious alphabetical order, are listed below in their respective parts.  & hey!  There are lots more Indiepop A To Z episodes to listen to on the website's Archive Page.  I should probably put them all on the website.  But who has the time?

(part one)

"Little Things" Lunchbox _The Magic Of Sound_
"Small Screen Queen" Lung Leg _Hello Sir_
"De-Luxe" Lush _Mad Love EP_

"She Loves To Feel The Sun" The Luxembourg Signal _The Luxembourg Signal_
"Sheila" Luxuriator _Green Tennis Visor 7"_
"Equal On The Weekends" The Mabels _The Closest People_
"Cubicles" The Mabuses _The Mabuses_
"Rich Together" The MacGuffins _Rich Together_

"Big Jim (There's No Pubs In Heaven)" The MacKenzies _C86_
"The Drunk" Mad About Sunday _The Drunk_
"California" Mad Planets _Music Makes Me Think Of You_
"Paper Plane" The Mad Scene _A Trip Thru Monsterland_
"Spanish Bombs" Madame Godard _Galapagos_

"Swim" Madder Rose _Bring It Down_

(part two)

"Heavy Petal" Madison Electric _Heavy Petal_
"Lying Around" Magic Bullets _Magic Bullets_
"Hey Boy" Magic Kids _Memphis_
"It's True" The Magic Shop _Heroes & Villains: 23 Pop Songs 1980-1990_

"Helicopter People" The Magic Whispers _Carousels & Music Boxes_
"Born On A Train" The Magnetic Fields _The Charm Of The Highway Strip_
"Passion" The Magnificent Lkage _Passion_
"Stone In The River" Maher Shalal Hash Baz _You Don't Need Darkness To Do What You Think Is Right_
"The Mystique Of The Locomotive" Mahogany _The Dream Of A Modern Day_

"Autumn Tree" Maikotobranco _Fall Into The Glowing Fade_
"Heartache Avenue" The Maisonettes _Maisonettes For Sale_
"Bub" Majestic _Live It Up!_
"Nothing On TV" Majestic 12 _The Majestic 12 Years 1994-1998_
"Breakthrough" Making Marks _Nobody's Business, Vol. 1: A DIY Pop Compilation_

"Nothing Remains" Male Bonding _Nothing Hurts_
"So High" Males _Run Run Run/MalesMalesMales_

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 53?

(Indiepop can be super cute. Here's a picture of the cutest dog in the world, Winston.)

You know by now what to expect from my thrice-yearly excursions into the world of indiepop, right? Lots of great songs by mostly obscure bands which are labors of love in a genre that barely gets any recognition except from diehard fans like myself.  We'll finish the letter L & begin our long stay in the letter M.  Bands you'll probably hear tonight are the Mabels, the Magnetic Fields, Magic Kids, Majestic, & Lush.  Not in that order, of course - it'll be in alphabetical order.  Because I have a problem.

The show will air tonight from 8-10pm central, 9-11pm eastern on WLXU in Lexington - that's at 93.9 fm - & online at Lexington Community Radio dot org (you have to pick WLXU).  It's all music tonight, friend.  I hope you like.

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 53: Here's A Picture Of My Cat

Look, you know what to expect - two more hours of indiepop music in alphabetical order.  Here's something more interesting: a picture of my cat Beatrice.

She turns 17 in June but is still pretty agile & clear-headed.  She's had some health issues but is doing pretty well these day.

If I could figure out how to turn her into a radio show, I'd be famous!

I Had Such A Good Idea

For something to write about in the blog today, & I had it on tonight's dog walk - but I've forgotten it.

That's a shame, because I'm sure it was good.  I mean, I can't be certain - so much of what I think about is awful trite, if not downright banal, but this idea - I think it might've been a list, like, something in list form, which everyone digs - this idea was going to go quite well.  In fact, it might have been one of the best things I've written on this blog.

The list idea -

1) It would've gone something like this.
2) But it wouldn't have been too unwieldy; the lines would have been pithy, they wouldn't have gone on for so long that one of the items in the list was way longer than the rest.
3) It would've flowed.
4) & it would've been quite clever.

What happened to make me forget was probably a stupid discussion the wife & I have on dog walks.  Usually this involves mostly uninteresting observations which - if we didn't know each other better - might be mistaken for small talk.

& man am I easily distracted.  Anyone who's ever had a conversation with me knows this.  I will be talking about something & then an aside will loom & I'll go for it, I'll digress, I'm famous for digressing.  This one time, when I was in the middle of an important speech, I digressed so hard that I never made it back to the speech.  I spend a lot of time these days, actually, trying to recover from digression.  What was I talking about?

Who knows.  Oh wait, I can read back what a I wrote.  Hold on a second.  Okay.  I'm all caught up.

Well, you might have had a very interesting read on the Self Help Radio blog today.  I'm sorry you didn't.  But you could have, if I could've remembered the awesome idea - I've upgraded it from good to awesome because you'll never know if it was - that I had for something to write in the blog today.

There's always tomorrow!

Self Help Radio 041917: Umbrellas

(Original image here.)

Here's this past week's Self Help Radio, a show about umbrellas, which originally aired April 19, 2017.

You may note that I usually post these shows the day after they've aired.  It is now April 23, about four days after the show aired.  What up with that?

When the show aired, I was not in the usual place.  I was not even in the unusual place.  I was in the unexpected place: a vegan restaurant in New Orleans.  Ha!  No one saw that  coming!  (The restaurant was great, it's called Seed & for those of us who don't eat animals - especially not bugs or whatever crawfish are {they're probably bugs} - it was a good place to start a vacation.)  I checked on my phone to hear if the show were on, it was, & maybe you got a chance to hear it.

If you didn't, here it is!  Not too late after the fact, I hope.  I would say, "Let Self Help Radio be your umbrellas," but you'd be soaking wet in seconds.  Instead, you should listen to it somewhere warm & dry.  It doesn't matter - you'd just lose it anyway.

The show: at Self Help Radio dot net!  In two parts!  Password protected!  But the passwords are on the site!  The playlist is below!  Thank you for listening!

(part one)

"The Umbrella Man" Flanagan & Allen _Underneath The Arches: 24 Favorite Songs_
"A Fella With An Umbrella" Frank Sinatra _The Columbia Years (1943-1952)_
"Let A Smile Be Your Umbrella (vocals, Claire Hogan)" Jimmy Dorsey & His Original Dorseyland Jazz Band _Dorseyland Dance Parade_

"If I Had A Golden Umbrella" Alma Cogan _He Just Couldn't Resist Her: The Very Best Of Alma Cogan_
"The Lady With The Big Umbrella" Dean Martin _Memories Are Made Of This_
"The Girl In The Shade Of The Striped Umbrella" The Four Preps _Capitol Collector's Series_
"Guy With The Red Umbrella" Jim Gaffigan _Doing My Time_
"Umbrellas" Free Design _Kites Are Fun_
"Bus Stop" The Hollies _The Hollies' Greatest Hits_

"Under My Umbrella" Harry's Group _Fading Yellow, Vol. 13 (Lazy Days - US '60s Popsike & Other Delights)_
"Umbrella Man" The Searchers _Collected_
"Under Your Own Umbrella" Fox _Blue Hotel_
"Blue Umbrella" John Prine _Sweet Revenge_

"The Umbrella Song" Philomena Begley _Red Is The Rose_
"Umbrella" Nits _Tent_

(part two)

"Umbrella" Siouxsie & The Banshees _Downside Up_
"1000 Umbrellas" XTC _Skylarking_

"Umbrella" The Lucksmiths _Boondoggle_
"The Umbrella Song" The Shermans _Happiness Is Toy Shaped_
"All The Umbrellas In London" The Magnetic Fields _Get Lost_
"Umbrella" Dntel _Life Is Full Of Possibilities_

"Parasol" Niza _Modapop_
"Umbrella Day" The Haircuts _It's Always Better When We're Together_
"Parasols" Plastic Operator _Different Places_
"Umbrellas" Islands _Taste_

"Jumbie Umbrella" Mad Professor _Science & The Witch Doctor (Dub Me Crazy Part 9)_
"Penguin's Umbrella" The Sensational Guitars Of Dan & Dale _Batman & Robin_
"Umbrella" The Smoke _The Smoke

Whither Umbrellas?

(Image from here.)

Every week right before my show, I take a moment to reflect upon why this week's show is about whatever theme.  Sometimes it's hard to say - ideas for shows come at the weirdest times from the weirdest places in the weirdest ways.  But not this week!  I know exactly why this week's show is about umbrellas.  Because Jenny Adkins requested it!  In fact, she had such confidence in the subject that she entitled the email she sent me, "Brilliant theme idea alert!"

You didn't hear that from me.  But you will hear a show about umbrellas tonight from 9-11pm eastern, 8-10pm central, on WLXU 93.9 fm in Lexington & online at Lexington Community Radio online (make sure you pick WLXU)!  You be the judge of Jenny's theme-picking skills, & not, as usual, of my radio-making skills.

Oh, & by the way - I won't be able to put the show up on the website till Sunday.  So if you need a show about umbrellas to keep you warm - please listen tonight!

Preface To Umbrellas: A Short History Of Gary's Umbrellas

The ephemera in our lives - the clothes, the shoes, the things we have - there's something weird about how ultimately little they mean to us.  Because except for extraordinary items - expensive things, perhaps, or things we really, really wanted - we forget all about them.

Or maybe it's just me.

Because I was searching my memory to see if there were some umbrellas I've owned of which I was fond.  & frankly I can only remember the umbrella that my wife had which we used to keep in the car.  I don't know where it's gone now.

But there had to be other umbrellas in my life!  It does rain in Texas from time-to-time!  Bought or stolen, borrowed or found, umbrellas have definitely been in my possession or somewhat nearby when needed for most of my life.  For example, I've never bought an umbrellas in a store after I've been caught in the rain.  That's kind of a cliché, right?  The umbrellas are more expensive then?  But I can't remember doing that.

Ever heard of a memory palace?  I don't have the patience to do something like that but I have been, for the last few minutes, thinking about places I've lived, & wondered where the umbrella I must've owned was.  Mostly I think I've had those small, cheap, black umbrellas that are small & easy to carry (& lose).  Where are they in my bedroom when I was in the 11th grade, in 1985?  In the duplex I lived in in 1995?  In the house in Austin in 2005?  In the rental in Lexington in 2009?  In this house in which I now live in Fort Worth?  I have no idea.

Maybe you have a better umbrella story.  I hope so.  I'm doing a show about the damn things tomorrow!

This Was In Our Neighbor's Yard This Weekend

(Eek!)

That's a Great Plains Rat Snake.  This weekend we were in Dallas seeing Morrissey (this was the third time we'd bought tickets to see the Great Man; he had cancelled two previous shows) (here's a web site that lists all his cancelled shows up to 2014) & the neighbors called us to tell us they had seen a copperhead in their yard.  They took pictures & even video.  They were warning us to keep our pups indoors.

The neighbor came over tonight to tell me that he went to the zoo & talked to a herpetologist, who identified the picture right away as not a copperhead but a great plains rat snake.  I am confused as to whether I should capitalize breeds of snake.  According to this website, "[A]nimal names are not capitalized ('I spotted a red-tailed hawk,' not 'I spotted a Red-Tailed Hawk'), except when an element of the name is a proper noun, as in 'Steller's jay' & 'Siberian tiger.'"  So, Great Plains rat snake?  & copperhead?

We live very close to a lake, so I suppose I knew I'd be seeing snakes from time-to-time.  I'd totally freak out if I saw that baby up there, who's not venomous, but who will bite.  I also found myself admiring the snake specialist; I'd love to be able to know a snake type on sight!

The herpetologist believes the snake made its way back to the lake or in the ground.  In any event, it's not a threat to the pooches, & is only a threat to me inasmuch as I would ruin a perfectly good pair of pants if I saw it.

Now With Captions!

Hilarity may ensue.

You may perhaps know that Self Help Radio has a Tumblr page.  I am not entirely sure what Tumblr is or how it's any different from other things like Instagram & Blogger, but I jumped on the bandwagon at some point &, having nothing really to say about the show, I just started posting pictures I took on it.

You see, I like to take pictures.  I am completely aware that I have no natural skill at it, & also that the camera I use is not that great, but it amuses me, plus as I collect pictures, I am able to use them, if I happen to look back at them, to see what I might have been doing or where I happened to be at the time.  It's a help to a fading memory.  Initially I just randomly posted them, including pictures of my dogs & cats as well, since I take as many pictures of them as most parents take of their children.

Something hit me a few weeks back.  I thought, "Why don't I caption them?"  & then I thought, "That's boring."  Then I asked myself, "Why don't you caption them in an amusing way?"  I thought back to myself, "But I'm not very amusing."  Then I thought, "Oh well, what'll it hurt?"

So now I randomly post them, but I add captions.  Innovation!

For example, the caption to the picture above reads, this picture would have been much better if dallas would just stand fucking still.  Is that funny?  I thought so.  Maybe you'd find my pictures interesting & my captions funny.  If so:

Self Help Radio on Tumblr.  It has nothing to do with the show, which might recommend it to you after all.

Self Help Radio 041217: Blondes

(Original, not-as-disturbing image here.)

It's turns out that radio shows about blondes do have more fun!  Well, at least I had some fun.  Stereotypes were reaffirmed & simultaneously dismantled, attitudes were ultimately unaffected, peroxide bottles were left scattered in the hall.  & the other radio shows!  They started treating Self Help Radio differently, assuming the poor thing was a little dumb, but also kinda hitting the show, too.  Very disturbing.  & confusing!  Who knew radio show had libidos?

(Note to self: a radio show about libidos might be fun.)

In any event, Self Help Radio is glad its hair is going grey.  Going grey?!?  You're not even fifteen years old!  Silly thing.

The show, in all its golden glory, is now available at the Self Help Radio website.  The songs played on the show are below.  Now say it with me, "You don't have to be blonde to like this show, but it helps!"  Great!  Let's crochet that onto a knitted pillow.

(part one)

"The Blue Eyed Blonde Next Door" George Formby _The Ukelele Man_
"Peroxide Blond" Hank Penny _Crazy Rhythm: The Standard Transcriptions_
"Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes" Ray Smith _Rockin' Little Angel: The Sun Years, Plus_
"Long Blond Hair, Red Rose Lips" Johnny Powers _Rockin' Bones: 1950s Punk & Rockabilly_

"He's My Blonde-Headed, Stompie Wompie, Real Gone Surfer Guy" Little Pattie & The Statesmen _Hey, Beach Girls! Female Surf 'n' Drag 1961-1966_
"They Prefer Blondes" The Banshees _Back From The Grave, Volume One_
"The Girl With The Sandy Blonde Hair" Perpetuated Spirits Of Turpentine _Aliens Psychos & Wild Things Volume Fore_
"Dumb Blonde" Dolly Parton _Dolly_
"Platinum Blonde" Blondie _The Platinum Collection_

"Blonde Fever" The Diodes _Tired Of Waking Up Tired_
"I've Had It With Blondes" Cud _Elvis Belt_
"'Cause I'm A Blonde" Julie Brown _Earth Girls Are Easy OST_
"You're Not Blonde & Stupid, But Nobody's Perfect" The Bedflowers _Songs: Summer 1990_

"Blonde" The Wedding Present _Seamonsters_
"Dirty Blonde (Demo)" Summer Fiction _Himalaya_

(part two)

"Blonde Angel" Jacobites _God Save Us Poor Sinners_
"Episode Of Blonde" Elvis Costello _When I Was Cruel_

"Long Blonde" The Long Blondes _Singles_
"Leggy Blonde (feat. Rhys Darby)" Flight Of The Conchords _Flight Of The Conchords_
"Born Blonde" Hunx & His Punx _Street Punk_
"Blond Adonis" Future Bible Heroes _Memories Of Love_

"Just Because I'm Blonde" Dollyrots _Whiplash Splash_
"Big Blonde" Aidan Moffat & The Best-Ofs _How To Get To Heaven From Scotland_
"Down & Dusky Blonde" God Help The Girl _God Help The Girl (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)_
"Born Blonde" Wild Moccasins _Skin Collision Past_

"Sometimes A Blonde" Robyn Hitchcock _Spooked_
"My P'roxide Blond" Toby Stroud _MGM Hillbilly, Vol. 1_

Whither Blondes?

(Found here.)

Do you believe the stereotype about blondes?  Are they naïve, ditzy, downright dumb?  Do they really have more fun?  More fun than whom?  Brunettes?  Redheads?  Baldies?*  Are they innocents whom men use & ruin, or bombshells who prey on men & use their wiles to ruin the lives of others?

These questions may be asked & even more uncertainly answered on tonight's episode of Self Help Radio, which explores "blondes."  Blonde-headed women &, to be fair, also some blonde-headed men.  Who have, it's true, escaped the stigma of the stereotype unless it's combined with something else, like being a model or a sportsball player.  In any event: blondes are our focus tonight.

Invite the blondes in your life to listen!  Share you opinions on the Facebook &/or the Twitter if you're around.  & listen, of course, from 9-11pm eastern, 8-10pm central, on 93.9 fm WLXU in Kentucky & online at LCR dot org.

Even if blondes don't have more fun, I think radio shows about blondes are more fun.

* Baldies isn't a slur, is it?

Preface To Blondes: One More Blonde Gary Picture

Since you must've loved the picture of blonde Gary from 1988, here's one from maybe 1995, in my office in the computer lab in Batts 232, a space which no longer exists.  (The building's still there, but they gutted it & rearranged the floors.)

There are so many things to say about this photo.

First of all, that's a fucking Quadra I believe.  Holy shit, I loved playing Civilization on that machine.

Second of all, I'm totally rocking the first-generation Talk Soup tee-shirt.  That's from the Greg Kinnear era!

Third of all, my hair is blonde not because I dyed it blond but because I had to bleach it to add some color to it, & eventually because I am lazy the color just faded.

Fourth, I clipped my nephew Josh out of this picture - I'm smiling at him - because he felt it was unflattering.  The photo was taken when he visited that summer & I was showing him my office - the lab to the right in the photo was closed, so the lights were out.

I met someone around this time in person that I had only known online & he reported to me that I looked "like a viking."

Here's A Picture Of A Twenty-Year-Old Gary With Blonde Hair

Pick one:
1) I'm Sorry.
2) You're Welcome.

& yes, as I discussed back here, my left ear is indeed pierced.  I believe I had an ankh in it.

Angular Frequency

This is a very boring post about driving.  I drive to Dallas now to volunteer at KNON more often than I ever drove to Louisville or Cincinnati which were more or less the same distance from Lexington as Dallas is from Fort Worth.  Okay, that's not true.  To get from my home to KNON takes between 45 & 55 minutes in non-rush-hour conditions while it took about seventy minutes to get from my house to the average place I went to in Louisville (say, Queen Of Sheba Ethiopian Restaurant), & about ninety minutes to get to an average place I went to in Cincinnati (say, Mac's Pizza Pub).  So it's not true at all.  Dallas is far closer to Fort Worth than Cincinnati or Louisville were from Lexington.  Not that that is in conflict with the point I was going to make, it's just that I thought Dallas was as far away from me (or as close to me) as at least Louisville was when I was in Kentucky & that's kinda fucked me up for a minute.

For example, I often thought of volunteering at Louisville's low-power FM station, ArtXFM, & was thinking, Hey, if I had done that, it would have been the same as I'm doing now, driving back & forth to Dallas three times a week.  But it would've been a longer commute.  Safer, undoubtedly - except maybe in the winter, & certainly with the exception that I am not at all likely to hit a deer on I-30 in Grand Prairie, while that was always a chance on the entire drive to Louisville.  I had also, during a semester off at WRFL, thought about volunteering at WAIF in Cincinnati - I actually proposed doing Self Help Radio there - that's a story for another time - but I can't imagine driving ninety minutes each way now.

Has this ever happened to you?  Have you been about to say something & then you had the nagging feeling your facts were all wrong or at least somewhat off & so you were like, Let me check those facts, & then suddenly the fact that your facts were all wrong makes you reconsider what you were about to say?  Because that's happening to me now.  I had brunch in Dallas today (at the amazing V-Eats) & I was wondering why I didn't go more to eat vegan food in Louisville or Cincinnati.  The answer now, I see, is that because it was sometimes twice as far away.  (V-Eats, it says, is 38 miles from our Fort Worth home.)  I enjoy driving as much as the next guy (if that guy generally enjoys driving), but that was time away from our animals, & time on the road, which is always inherently unsafe.

Well.  This isn't quite the boring post about driving I was going to write.  It's more a boring post about getting waylaid in the process of writing a boring post about driving.  With links to three restaurants, which seems a little too much.  Plus, when I put my old Kentucky address into Google maps, I saw a picture of our old house, & I miss that house.  I put together six years of radio shows in that house!  My beloved dog George died in that house, & we raised Pauline from a pup in that house.  Our lovely cat Boone followed us home to that house, & I learned how to make passable vegan meals for my sweet wife in that house.  Shit, now I'm getting all sentimental.

Was this post going to be about bad drivers?  I think so.  Who cares anymore.  I am going to live in my memories for the rest of the night.  Excuse me.