Preface To The Wondering Show: It's Going To Be One Of Those Shows Isn't It

Fancy is struck. The passive voice is implemented. No one has any cause for alarm.

I know people get in trouble for things everyone else is doing - illegal downloads & marijuana smoking are two things that I just thought of - but some kids were talking the other day about both of those things, how they do it without feeling like it's wrong & how they just don't feel the law has caught up. But they could get into trouble for doing either!

Even though it hasn't gone anywhere, I do kind of miss vinyl. I was never sensitive enough (or self-important enough) to claim it sounded better than digital music. I gravitated to digital music out of convenience. But the presentation of music on vinyl is more aesthetically pleasing.

One of the more fascinating, & possibly illegal, developments is the fact that people will put songs on YouTube as a "movie." I was talking to a friend in Austin about a song that she didn't know if she'd heard & I just went to YouTube & there it was. In fact, some deejays I know play their entire shows off YouTube these days. Not me. I still use CDs.

I like playing requests but I wish people who made requests would be sensitive to songs that have bad words in them - what the FCC considers bad words - when they make their requests. I have no idea if it makes them mad if I can't play a song with "fuck" in it at eight in the morning, but I am grateful for those song lyrics web sites because I can at least scan the lyrics before I play a song I'm unfamiliar with.

Actually, I don't mind that they don't care - they're not familiar with the FCC & they probably don't even think about the songs & whether they're indecent or obscene. That's my problem. I just feel a twinge of guilt when I can't play it for its content of even the simplest of naughty words.

I have a headache. Do you?

I'm Hungover/I'm All Over The Place

Both are true. With the wife out of town & the dogs paid hush puppies as hush money, I am free to be me & me. But instead I am squandering my freedom eating too much & subbing radio shows.

TONIGHT - Friday the 3rd - I'll be subbing The Uncle Bill Show, one of WRFL's best shows, & I'm hoping not to make a mess of it. That's from 8 to 10 pm Eastern time. Listen at 88.1 fm on your radio or online at wrfl dot fm.

Monday morning is another Sugar Substitute & Self Help Radio but MONDAY NIGHT I am subbing the Old School Hip Hop show from 10 to midnight. It'll be pretty old school. That's at the same place: 88.1 fm on your radio or online at wrfl dot fm.

I need to take a nap now.

A Devil - Er, I Mean, Satan - Of A Show

It was a quiet Memorial Day show this morning, wherein I played more songs that talked about Satan than most heavy metal shows. I don't think anyone was awake to listen, though.

The devil has lots of names (& he's been called a lot of names, too) & today's show examined a few of them: Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub, The Evil One, The Prince Of Darkness, Mephisto - even Gary. We also talked about backwards masking, different origin stories for Satan, & I hoped someone would send me lots of Chick Tracts. No such luck, though. It's still just me & Satan.

The demonic songs I played are below. The show is where it usually is at self help radio dot net. It's in two parts, as I've recently begun to note, with part one in this part of hell & part two in this section of the Inferno. Since there's no such as a devil, it's not at all scary. Unless you think there's such a thing as a devil. That's frightening!

As always, thanks for listening. Satan thanks you, too.

xo gary

(part one)

"Liszt: Mephisto Waltz # 1, 'Der Tanz In Der Dorfschenke'" Angéle Dubeau & La Pietà _Infernal Violins_

"Beelz" Stephen Lynch _The Craig Machine_
"Bunnyrabbits, Satan, Cheese & Milk" Stark Effect _Mic In Track_
"Bus To Beelzebub" Soul Coughing _Ruby Vroom_
"Satan" Deerhoof _Holdy Paws_
"Yom Pha Barn Norn Pahwaa (Satan's Nightmare)" Paiboon _Thai Beat A Go-Go, Vol. 1_

"Satan Is Real" Louvin Brothers _Satan Is Real_
"Satan, Your Kingdom Must Come Down" Frank Proffitt, Vilas, NC _High Atmosphere_
"Chased Old Satan Through The Door" The Woodie Brothers _Black & White Hillbilly Music_
"Get Thee Behind Me, Satan" Almanac Singers _Songs For Political Action 03: The Almanac Singers: March 1941-July 1941_

(part two)

"Train To Satanville" Gin Gillette _Desperate Rock 'n' Roll, Vol. 2_
"Party Of The First Part" Bauhaus _Swing The Heartache: The BBC Sessions_

"Led Zeppelin" Michael Mills _Hidden & Satanic Messages In Rock Music_
"Satanic Messages" Michael Ian Black _I Am A Wonderful Man_
"Dignitaries Of Hell" Coven _Witchcraft Destoys Minds & Reaps Souls_
"Prince Of Darkness" Mr. Flood's Party _Mr. Flood's Party_
"Don't Shake Me Lucifer" Roky Erickson & The Aliens _The Evil One_

"Lucifer Over Lancashire" The Fall _458489 B Sides_
"Satan Rejected My Soul" Morrissey _Maladjusted_
"Prince Of Darkness" Mekons _Heaven & Hell_

Whither A Devil By Any Other Name...?

You might notice that I don't repeat themes - except on my anniversary shows - so when something strikes my fancy, & it makes me think of a theme, but I recognize (despite my early-onset senility) that I have in fact done that theme before, one thing I can do is see if there's some kind of semantic loophole I can utilize to "revisit" the theme without actually repeating it.

One of the earliest shows I did, back in July of 2003, when Self Help Radio wasn't even a year old, was a show with the theme "The Devil You Say." It was songs about devils. Since there are so many songs simply about devils, I didn't have to add songs about the other names of The Devil - like Satan, or Lucifer, or Beelzebub, or Justin Bieber - they remained in limbo. Until this show idea came along. Therefore, I am doing what appears to be another show about the devil - only no "devil" songs on it. A loophole! Unlike the kind you wish you could find in contracts you sign with the Evil One for your soul.

By the way, when I did the "devil" show, way back when, I got a call from a listener - this was in Austin, mind - who asked me if I was doing the show because that same day an inexplicably popular morning deejay on the NPR station - whose name I shall not say because he might be conjured by the attention, & he's a great reason not to be in Austin - had done a similar show. I told the caller that, no, I didn't listen to that particular person on the radio & would prefer electro-shock therapy to having to endure his dreadful idea of a radio show, & also that I had been working on the show all week without knowing he had done a show with the same theme (though I didn't have the interns he had to find music for me).

The caller seemed alarmed. "What do you think it means," he said, "that the two of you came up with the same theme on the same day?"

I said, "It's a pretty broad theme. It's just a coincidence."

"I don't think so," the caller scoffed. "It seems kinda ominous."

In radio land, you don't want to tell a listener that they're acting dumb & superstitious - or just dumb - & you certainly don't want to engage them & ask them what sort of supernatural mechanism known only to their tiny brains might be at work in such a situation - I'm sure he wouldn't have been as freaked out if the theme coincidentally repeated by the two of us had been "cheese" - so I just said thank you for the call & hung up.

Ah, Austin.

Meanwhile, in Lexington, you can listen to lots of songs about properly-named devils tomorrow on Self Help Radio on the 88.1 frequency at 7:30 am, following a new Sugar Substitute at 6am. You can listen everywhere that Satan can (especially in Austin, where the success of that NPR deejay can only be explained by a deal with Beelzebub) online at wrfl dot fm. I'll be archiving the show later that day, but just in case Satan doesn't allow it to air - you should listen!

Preface To A Devil By Any Other Name: Childhood Fears

Did you enjoy being frightened as a child? I was torn between the joy of being terrified & the general sense of calling bullshit on a world that was extremely suspect when it came to proving its scary claims. I kind of had a proto-scientific bent when it came to things that scared me. Here are two stories about intrepid Gary as a ghost-hunter & demon-summoner.

I remember when that book "The Amityville Horror" came out. My mother was reading it - I don't know if she ever finished it - & we had a giant hard-cover copy sitting in the living room which I had checked out one afternoon. On the cover was a picture of the window from which the evil pig - or else just evil pig eyes, I don't remember - could be seen. That haunted me. The evening after I read a few pages - not very scary pages, I remember - I couldn't go to sleep until after I had gone downstairs & hidden the book in the oven. The oven, I guess I imagined, would protect me from evil spirits.

Success! I was able to fall asleep, & didn't wake up to an evil pig looking at me for purposes I left to my imagination. Great. But what about the next night?

Also, would my mother be mad at me for putting a book in an oven overnight? (I didn't turn the oven on.) (She didn't say anything to me about it.)

The next night I thought, look, if ghosts or demons are going to come get me - I think because something as flimsy as an oven - an oven for fuck's sake! - had prevented them from coming, they might not actually exist - then why not let them come? The next night I brought the book upstairs with me.

It stayed there until either my mother retrieved it or I simply forgot it was there. I guess I knew books had a certain power, but that book, I had discovered, was full of shit.

As for summoning a demon, well - even though as children we didn't have any real idea who "Bloody Mary" was, the name itself was pretty frightening. What's more, we knew that she was dead now but could be summoned. Why summoned? Why would anyone want to bring a murderess back from the dead? Who made that stupid rule? No matter, we knew there was a scary she-demon from the past who was described as "bloody" no because she was hurt but because she bloodied people up, & we knew how to call her.

Here's the way I remember the process. & here's a description of it as a "game." But it was no game to us children.

Basically, you were supposed to go into a room without light (I thought immediately of a bathroom, since ours had no windows, although it was a more confined place), twirl twelve times saying "Bloody Mary!" (I chose to say it like Igor from the Frankenstein movies) & then, if you're not too sick, leaning into the mirror & saying her name a thirteenth time. She was supposed to appear &, out of gratitude for bringing her back, attack you & claw your eyes out.

The story intrigued me but I didn't know anyone who was brave enough to do it. So, one afternoon, when no one was around (I had enough sense at the age of nine or ten to realize that some people might think what I was doing was stupid), I gave it a shot. I confess I might have messed up the process some - as I said, the bathroom was small & I bumped into a lot of things as I was twirling - not to mention that I had to feel my way back around on the thirteenth turn to find the mirror - so all of this might have been rather disappointing to Mary - but of course she didn't come. I emerged with some bruises on my shins, but my eyes intact.

I was - & frankly still am - disappointed that I didn't live in a world with devils & demons & haunted books & mirrors. What has surprised me most about the people who live on this planet who still do think they live in a world with devils & demons & etc. is how easy it is to find out you don't all by yourself.

The Politics Of Lame

Just as this not-a-single-reason-for-existence blog celebrated its 1,100th (that's one thousand, one hundredth) post, I make the decision to "take it down a notch." (I am using that phrase incorrectly, as one might expect; it really means this.) I have, for the past couple of years, if not longer, if not shorter, tried to write in this blog, even when I have nothing to say, especially when I have nothing to say, at least five times a week. That seemed somehow appropriate (in whatever logical system that thankfully only exists in my own head) when the show was on in the afternoon or evening. For some reason, since the show is on in the mornings now, it just really seems awkward to me to have two days (Friday & Tuesday) which are only vaguely attached to the show's theme, when talking about the theme is what I advertise this blog to be for. Oh I suppose I could share videos & stuff on this blog, only that's what I use my Tumblr blog for. Or I could just post interesting links, or maybe just pictures of my animals... But isn't that what Facebook is for? Don't you have enough Facebook friends already? You want me to friend you is that it? The other option is to use these pages to write about some other topic I feel strongly about, like politics, or religion, or Star Trek, or my cats. I suppose I've done that in the past. I don't really have the stomach for a lot of it. I'm not really a critic & I'm not really all that topical. What I am is kind of lame.

(You know, lame.)

(Do people who are actually lame, which is to say, "disabled so that movement, especially walking, is difficult or impossible," object to that word meaning "uncool"? Or do we even call people like that "lame" anymore?)

(Where was I?)

All that tedious rationalizing up there is just my way of saying that I've decided to write only four days a week now instead of five. Fridays through Monday. Fridays I'll try to say something interesting, & Saturdays & Sundays are me talking about or around the upcoming theme, & Monday is when I announce I've posted the show on the web site. I don't think this will discommode anyone (I learned what that word, which means "to put to inconvenience; trouble," meant back in the day when I reflected that it would be very inconvenient & troubling if one pushed you off a commode, meaning a toilet, while you were using it) but I thought a formal announcement necessary.

Also, it gave me something to talk about on a Friday.

The 1,200th post looks farther away now.

Problem-O-Matic

You gotta problem with a show about problems?

Self Help Radio has long been described as "a show with problems," & today, in its own problematic way, it took an awkward step forward(ish) & became "a show ABOUT problems." Bravely (one supposes) forgoing the human desire for solutions, it decided to simply focus on - indeed, revel in - problems of all stripes. Psychologists all over the Lexington area felt strangely uncomfortable & did not know why.

The show sits where it should sit, away from the other shows, at self help radio dot net. Though it has problems with it, it's in two parts - part one is right here & the second part (which is really the problem half) is over here. The songs played on the show are listed below. There should be no problem downloading them, but if there is, it would feel appropriate.

Here is what is in the two parts:

(part one)

"Problems" The Sex Pistols _Never Mind The Bollocks, Here's The Sex Pistols_
"Problems" The Real Kids _No Place Fast_
"Problems" Heathens _Teenage Shutdown Vol. 10: The World Ain't Round, It's Square_

"Money Is A Problem" Dean Martin _Return To Me_
"Problems" Desmond Dekker _Israelites_
"Problem Is" Dub Pistols _Six Million Ways To Leave_
"Mind Problems" Tape Beatles _The Grand Delusion_
"First World Problem" MC Frontalot _Zero Day_

"Problems" Lee Fields _Problems_
"Problems" James Brown _Make It Funky/The Big Payback: 1971-1975_
"Problems" Mahjongg _Kontpab_

(part two)

"This Problem" Dislocation Dance _Music Music Music/Slip That Disc!_
"I Know You're Having A Problem" Telephone Company _Panda Brain!_
"I Don't Want To Talk About Your Problems" Cannanes _Witchetty Pole_

"Fat Guy Problems" Louis C.K. _Shameless_
"A Christian Girl's Problems" Gleaming Spires _Walk On Well Lighted Streets_
"Boy With A Problem" Elvis Costello _Imperial Bedroom_
"The Girl With The Attitude Problem" Dead Famous People _Arriving Late In Torn & Filthy Jeans EP_
"Girl Problem" Her Space Holiday _The Young Machines_
"Problems, Issues & Concerns" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_

"I Got A Problem" Neil Young _Landing On Water_
"Language Problem" The Only Ones _Darkness & Light: The Complete BBC Recordings_
"Problem Child" The Damned _Music For Pleasure_

Whither Problems?

One of the first radio shows I ever did, back in Austin, was a show I called "the broken show," in which I played songs about things that were broken - promises, bones, etc. - & a superstitious person called me & complained that I had jinxed her day - that since she heard the show, three things of hers had broken.

The proper response to that, of course, is to ask exactly what sort of mechanism would have to be in place to make a radio show which, obviously, someone would have had to hear have the power to break things in a stranger's life. The awesome response to that is, of course, to exult in the amazing power I had to reach into listeners' lives & fuck shit up.

My life is relatively problem-free at the moment & if I were as superstitious as my mother, I might imagine doing a radio show about problems could be inviting problems into my life. However, I remember that call, way back in 2002 - & I think, "Au contraire! If my radio show truly has the power to make themes into reality, it does so for listeners, not me!"

My mother does not buy that argument, by the way. She'd rather I not talk about problems.

I trust, however, that you have no problem with this sort of thing, being an enlightened 21st century modern. Therefore I have no problem inviting you to listen to tomorrow's Self Help Radio about problems, Monday morning at 7:30 am on 88.1 WRFL in Lexington. If you're not in Lexington, that should not be a problem, you can listen online at wrfl dot fm. & if you're having difficulties listening live, you can catch it later when I archive it on the Self Help Radio website.

I'll see you in the morning!

It's Number 1100

It's that time again. The appearance of meticulous accounting. Lots of figures added up in my head. Here are the "facts":

I started this blog on 9/12/06.

I reached post # 100 on 3/7/07, 176 (or so) days later.
I reached post # 200 on 8/13/07. 158 days (I counted) after post # 100.
I reached post # 300 on 1/9/08. 149 days after post # 200. No one else will count. So I must.
I reached post # 400 on 5/26/08. A mere 138 days after # 300.
I reached the somewhat impressive post # 500th on 10/14/08. That was 141 days after # 400.

I can't really remember what I wrote yesterday (or this morning!), I'm sure it would terrify me to revisit some of those old posts.

Anyway.

I reached post # 600 on 3/25/09. That was 162 days after # 500. & frankly a bit of a let-down.
I reached post # 700 on 9/23/09. A massive 186 days after # 600.
I reached post # 800 on 2/19/10. A more reasonable 149 days after # 700.
I reached post # 900 on 7/23/10. About a year ago more or less, & 154 days after # 800.
I reached post # 1000 - you heard me, ONE THOUSAND! - on 12/14/10.

Now it's 158 days later - 5/21/11 - it would have been sooner but I did take two weeks off at the end of the year to go to Australia, you know - & I've reached number 1100. It's mainly a milestone for mostly me, but I am open to whatever idears you might have about celebrating. I get to be on the radio tonight. That's usually enough for me.

Preface To Problems: Rapture Day! Problems Solved!

How appropriate! This week's show is about problems, & guess what? According to we can know dot com, "the date of the rapture of believers will take place on May 21, 2011." I am making the universal gesture of wiping my hands clean & then showing them as such, which means (okay, it may not be universal) "problem solved."

Well, problem solved if you're a Christian as narrowly defined by these Bible believers. I thought I was obsessive about Star Trek, but man, the calculations these nimrods come up with by comparing & contrasting different Bible passages & then interpreting them just right is positively nerdy. They might as well be arguing about how the new movie totally screws up Roddenberry's well-established continuity.

I don't care enough to read on to discover how they bypass Mark 13: 31-33. You know, "Heaven & earth shall pass away: but my words shall not pass away. But of that day & that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father. Take ye heed, watch & pray: for ye know not when the time is." That'd be like worrying about those episodes of Voyager where they seem to be beaming people aboard while their shields were up. It hardly, you know, seems worth it.

What's more important is two things: one, I'll be on the radio FIVE HOURS tonight, first playing hip hop as I sub Revolution Radio at 10pm, & then three more hours freeform from midnight to 3am. Post-rapture radio, for the unsaved. That's on the 88.1 fm frequency if you're in Lexington, & online at wrfl dot fm. Listen if you can!

Also, the next post is post number 1100. I am write a special extra SHR blog post today to celebrate!

I don't have a lot to say today

This should do it:

Countdown To The Eleven Hundredth Post!

I am about to reach the eleven hundredth post on this Self Help Radio blog. Perhaps I should do something to celebrate. Though "1100" is not exactly the most exciting number to reach. It looks, actually, like something that could possibly be an expletive in the language of a binary-based alien. If I were an artist I would draw a couple of computer-like beings acting angry at one another & one of them flipping the other off with a keyboard which saying "1100!" Would anyone understand it? Besides not thinking it was funny, I mean?

I can't remember when I started this blog, but I suppose when the time comes I'll do another irritating calculation that only makes me happy. When I was a kid, I often got frustrated with myself for not finishing anything - for example, I'd make lots of "first issues" of little comic books & was particularly proud of my "To Be Continued!" final pages. But they were never to be continued. I moved on.

I'm not sure if my adult life is as filled with abandonment in the same manner, but boy I wish I could show my depressed thirteen-year-old self that I've kept up with something as long as I have with this blog! Or even the radio show. It'll be nine years this October. Nine years & three radio stations in three different states. I think that would make my thirteen-year-old self wet his pants.

Not that it was terribly difficult to make my thirteen-year-old self wet his pants. It's just an expression.

A Show About Drums

Drums. The world's oldest & most ubiquitous musical instrument. Virtually every culture that exists or has ever existed has them. Your parents wouldn't let you have any when you were kids. Hippies ruined playing them for you forever. Most drummers you meet are very sweaty, nearly all the time(*). & yet you still think they're pretty awesome. Well, so does Self Help Radio.

In fact, here's an entire show about drums, drummers & drumming. It's not a show about specific drummers. It has lots of drumming, & some different kinds of drums, but only one drum solo, & that one is done by a child at a talent show recorded in the 1980s. In short, it's done the way Self Help Radio does things, which is most probably not the right way to do things, but it's too late now. I was traumatized at an early age by hippies at a drum circle.

The show is drumming its fingers, waiting for you, at the Self Help Radio website. It's divided into two parts: part one is beating the bass drum menacingly right here; the other is tattooing the snare right over here. The songs in the two parts are listed below. Like Neal Peart, this show can play its drums upside down.

* This is actually not true. But studies have shown that seeing a group of hippies in a drum circle makes the average person wish that there were no longer any drums or patchouli in the world.

(part one)

"A Child's Introduction To Drums" Ruckus Roboticus _Playing With Scratches_
"I Hear The Drummer (Tunng Edit)" Quincy & Xen Cuts Allstars _Ninja Tune XX Vol 2_

"Drummin' Man (Anita O'Day, vocals)" Gene Krupa _Juke Joint Jive_
"The Drummer Plays For Me (Hal Blaine & The Young Cougars)" Darlene Love _So Much Love - A Darlene Love Anthology 1958-1998_
"Drums" Michael Holliday _UK Teenage Jamboree Vol. 2_
"Drums" Jon & Robin _Do It Again! The Best Of Jon & Robin_
"Drummer Man" The Brady Bunch _The Kids From The Brady Bunch_
"Drummerman" Tonight _Tonight_

"Those Conga Drums" Jonathan Richman _Jonathan Sings!_
"The Drum" Slapp Happy _Casablanca Moon_
"She Bangs The Drums" The Stone Roses _The Stone Roses_

(part two)

"Drum Solo" The Talent Show _The Talent Show_
"The Ballard Of J Drummer" The Fall _The Light User Syndrome_
"Different Drum" Me First & The Gimme Gimmes _Blow In The Wind_

"Funky Drummer" James Brown _Star Time_
"Give The Drummer Some" Ultramagnetic MC's _Critical Beatdown_
"A Different Drum" Peter Gabriel _Passion: Music For The Last Temptation Of Christ_

"Just Like A Drummer" The Wave Pictures _Instant Coffee Baby_
"Your Brother's Drums" Pearly Gatecrashers _But Wait, There's More_
"Drum Beat For Baby" Weekend _La Varieté_
"Drum Machines Will Save Mankind" Mikrofisch _Masters Of The Universe_

Whither Drums?

I don't think I have a favorite drum solo or even a favorite drummer. I tried to learn how to play the drums once but of course didn't want to practice all the time. Practice was boring. When I see musicians play I often imagine they don't practice at all, but I know they do. The first time I realized that a band had to play a certain song sometimes dozens of time before they got the recorded version I enjoyed it kinda blew my mind. It was probably listening to those Beatles' "Let It Be" session bootlegs. Then bands play the songs over & over.

I would "jam" with a couple of friends over a decade ago - me on the drums - friends I don't see or talk to anymore. I'm not entirely sure where they ended up. One of them was married with a kid, that's more common in my life these days, but not so much then. The other apparently came out of the closet & renounced his pals & lives perhaps in California. I kinda miss them, although if there's anything Facebook has taught me, it's that missing people is mostly more fun than finding out that their lives are as uninteresting as mine.

I named the band The Blames. A friend liked the name a lot. He even suggested the title for our first album: "Share The Blames." But the summer ended & we stopped practicing. It was obvious I wasn't going to be any good. One fellow moved cities with his wife & child. When I look back it seems like we played in a dingy, hot "practice space" a lot, but I'll bet it was just two or three times. They enjoyed smoking pot. I drank beer & chain-smoked cigarettes while I "drummed." I just don't have a natural aptitude for music. & I don't want to work toward it, to overcome my natural inability.

I am sometimes impressed by a drummer on a recording, even if he or she is a session drummer, only to discover that the drummer's resume is really, really dull. For example, I think the drumming on Dylan's "Blonde On Blonde" is transcendent. But the drummer, Kenny Buttrey, mainly recorded in Nashville for middle-of-the-road country or folk artists. The Allmusic Guide calls his drumming for Dylan "perhaps his most significant work."

Tomorrow's show won't focus on particular drummers. It'll be songs about drums & drumming, & drummers in general. There might be a drum solo, but it won't be what you'd expect. Or maybe you don't expect anything. I am perhaps too presumptuous. Like I do.

New Self Help Radio! Tomorrow live at 7:30 am on 88.1 fm in Lexington, on wrfl dot fm all over the place! & of course archived later on self help radio dot net! Drums. It's a fun word to say. Drums.

Preface To Drums: Twelve Drummers Drumming

Well! The best laid pants of mice & men & all that. I had planned to scan a funny picture from one of my favorite comics, Pogo, with Albert the Alligator & Churchy LaFemme the turtle arguing about the twelve days of Christmas. But my scanner didn't want to work this morning. Frankly, it was amazing I found it among all the damn Pogo books I have. But never mind! Here's what Albert says at the end of it all:

"Next you sends TWELVE DRUMMERS --- So THAT was yo' game all along! All this other FOOFARAW was jus' ADVERTISIN' -- Advance men for these salesmen -- THESE DRUMMERS -- BRUSH SELLERS!"

They used to call salesmen drummers, from the phrase "drum up business," you see...

Oh, never mind. Stupid scanner.

Where O Where Did My Bloggerpants Go?

It's true, I was all ready to regale you this morning with another vivid dissection of my recurring nightmare where I find myself in the back row of a computer lab & find out the floor is all wet & there's a dilemma because we're on the second floor(!). As I cracked my knuckles & hunkered down at my computer, I found that Blogger (or as I like to call it, Blooger) was down for maintenance. Horrors! For how long? What's wrong? Oh God, what if I forgot my dream?

(I couldn't, really, because it's recurring. I was a little sleepy though. Not thinking straight. Which might explain why these blog entries are the way they are.)

(My cats tried to hand me a pen & some paper but they were just being jerks.)

Apparently, Blogger went down a couple of days ago & took thirty hours of posts with them. I think I was saved from the humiliation of losing an entry because I last wrote on Wednesday. The breakdown appeared to happen yesterday. & now Blooger is back, & I only noticed because I tried to write in the blog this morning. But what of the nice people who write every day? I think they must have been unhappy.

I'm not, though! I barely noticed. But boy am I glad I don't work at Blogger/Google/whoever owns it wherever they are!

Does anyone still want to hear about my recurring nightmare? It still doesn't end with me wetting the bed, as must as my psychiatrist wishes it would.

New Intro!

I had a previous post where I put links up to all the intros for my show, & I mentioned that I have tended to make a new intro around this time every year to celebrate a "new season" or what-not. Since my show just moved from midnight Tuesdays to mid-morning Mondays, it seemed appropriate to make a new intro now. So I did. You can hear it if you listen to this week's show, or I can just put it up here. Either/or? Or.

You can listen to the new intro here!

As a public service, or in case you don't feel like clicking the link above, here are the links to the previous intros. How clever I am!

You can listen to the 2002 intro here.

You can listen to the 2003 intro here.

You can listen to the 2005 intro here.

You can listen to the 2006 intro here.

You can listen to the 2007 intro here.

You can listen to the 2008 intro here.

You can listen to the 2009 intro here.

You can listen to the 2010 intro here.

Yielding To Temptation

Self Help Radio didn't resist the temptation this week to make a radio show about temptation. It was too tempting. It may have been tempting fate to put a show about temptation on as my first Monday morning show on WRFL, but as far as I can tell, no animals were injured in the making of the radio show. Unless you count my dogs & cats, & if you consider being deeply annoyed as "injured." My cats do.

The radio show tempts you in its regular place, on the Self Help Radio website. It is divided into two parts of more or less equal time, although the show is meant to be listened to in its entirety. Just saying. Part one is here & part two is here. I was tempted to make a part three, but I was rudely interrupted by the show after mine. The nerve!

The two parts are divided as follows:

(part one)
"Temptation (7" Mix)" New Order _Movement_

"Temptation" Screamin' Jay Hawkins _Cow Fingers & Mosquito Pie_
"Temptation" Tom Waits _Franks Wild Years_
"Temptation" Elvis Costello & The Attractions _Get Happy!!_
"Temptation" Jo Broadbery & The Standouts _Jo Broadbery & The Standouts_
"Temptation" The Sapphires _The Sapphires_

"Resisting Temptation" Wilmoth Houdini _Don't Stop The Carnival_
"Man's Temptation" Gene Chandler _Nothing Can Stop Me: Gene Chandler's Greatest Hits_
"Temptation Is Hard To Fight" George McGregor & The Bronzettes _Eccentric Soul: Twinight's Lunar Rotation_
"Do The Temptation Walk" Jackie Lee _The Duck_
"Don't Let Temptation Turn You Around" Hank Ballard & The Midnighters _Don't Let Temptation Turn You Around_

(part two)
"Yield Not To Temptation" Bobby 'Blue' Bland _The Definitive Collection_

"Temptation's 'Bout To Get Me" The Rascals _See_
"Temptation Eyes" Grass Roots _Anthology 1965-1975_
"Fool For Temptation" The Contemporaries _Yeah Yeah Yeah_
"Temptation" Inner Light _A Lethal Dose Of Hard Psych_
"La Tentation Dans Ton Coeur" Les Amours _Romances 85_
"Temptation To Exist" The New York Dolls _Cause I Sez So_

"Temptation Of Egg" Giant Sand _Chore Of Enchantment_
"Temptation" The Itals _Early Recordings 1971-1979_
"Temptation Tide" Sebadoh _Bakesale_
"Temptation By Your Side" Bellavista _Bellavista_

I came home from the Monday morning show & promptly went to sleep. I certainly hope that is not the effect the show has on listeners.

Whither Temptation?

What is so tempting, after all? Certainly not my radio show!

I know the word has roots in Judeo-Christian history/theology. It has been secularized over time to just mean something like "an act or thing that looks appealing to someone," but temptation in the religious sense means something that will lead you astray. I'm sure that I'll be talking about that tomorrow.

OF COURSE there's a perfume called Temptation. Who wouldn't want to smell like a snake trying to make a woman eat an apple?

Or like a little baby trying to make a Victorian woman have a bite to eat?



You'll have to tune in tomorrow to hear Self Help Radio's show all about temptation, in the show's new time slot of Mondays from 7:30 to 9:00 am on 88.1 fm in Lexington, & online everywhere at WRFL dot fm.

I will of course archive it tomorrow during the day on the self help radio website. But you should listen anyway!

Preface To Temptation: Derby Day

Despite the homogenization of America, there are still places where things happen only in & around that particular place, where the populace places an emphasis on some event or series of events that is not shared with the country as a whole. In Kentucky, once a year, on the first Saturday in May, it's Derby Day, celebrating the Kentucky Derby. I've lived in Kentucky for nearly a year now & I will admit that I haven't seen a horse race yet. I am still not entirely sure it's not cruel to the horses.

Look at what people say when you ask online (for what it's worth) is horse racing cruel? A friend in town who works with horses, who's a vegan, swears to me she's never seen a lick of cruelty, but I am aware that personal anecdotes are usually mostly helpful to greedy televangelists (I know, an oxymoron) & snake oil salesmen. I don't have time for a detailed internets search. Could you help?

They did open the liquor stores at 8am today for Derby Day. I approve of such forward-thinking measures!