Preface To 1976: Thugs Hangout Late

I was eight years old for three hundred & forty-six of 1976's three hundred & sixty-six days. (It was a leap year.) I was in second grade when it started, & lived at that time in an apartment complex on Kingsley Road in Garland, Texas, called the Lockwood Arms. (It's still there, but the name has changed. (I wrote about that place here.) We moved to another apartment complex a street over called Little Brook Apartments some time during the year. I was too young to know why we moved. I just know we did.

In our apartment at Little Brook was me, my little brother Chris, my sister Karin, & my older brothers Ralph & Steve. I'm not sure if Ralph was calling himself Ralph yet. His full name is James Ralph, but he started getting people to call him Ralph because everyone was calling him "Jamie," which I suppose seemed feminine to him. My oldest sister Pat & my oldest brother Eddie had already moved on. I believe both were married - Pat married that year. She & her husband got married in a civil ceremony at City Hall, so I wasn't invited to a wedding that year. The apartment had, if I recall correctly, three bedrooms & two bathrooms. Chris, Karin & I slept in one, Ralph & Steve in another, & Mom (& her boyfriend Ed) in the big one, which had the second bathroom. I remember the main bathroom did not have a lock that worked. That sucked. Lots of walking in on Gary doing number two!

I have many memories of Little Brook Apartments. It was close to my elementary school, Caldwell Elementary, so we walked there, rain or shine (more rain than shine in Garland, Texas) & hot or cold (more hot than cold). I had a couple of really good friends there, & I even remember being more than smitten with a girl - but I can't remember her name now. The property at the time was fenced on three sides (the front was open) but the area behind it was empty & there were a couple of abandoned, dilapidated houses which, when we discovered them, seemed like heaven to us, but we were told not to go to them by our mother & because I suppose we (I mean me & my little brother, we were inseparable then) were obedient, we didn't go back. The area behind the apartments was a dirt bike & go-kart trail, & once my little brother stepped into a fire ant hill & had an allergic reaction. I remember crying & thinking he was going to die.

Across Cranford Road was an empty load with pecan trees. One of the few memories I have of my father was him walking with us to a convenience store on Kingsley Road, called the Time Saver (which would figure heavily in my teen years), & showing me which pecans were good to eat. He was most definitely drunk at the time, but I didn't know that.

The place is still called the Little Brook Apartments, which means it's had the same name for probably as long as I've been alive. It even still sort of looks the same, although it used to be brown:



The apartment is now in a "bad part of town," which means, in Texas, it's predominantly poor & Hispanic. You can read a few bad "reviews" of the place here. I am especially fond of the comment, "Thugs hangout late roaming the Cranford St."

I have a particularly happy memory from that place. The apartment was a little under a half mile from train tracks, & every morning about six-thirty - usually when I would wake up to get ready to go to school - a train would come by. I learned to wake up to that train. Especially on sunny mornings, it seemed so nice to know this train was passing by regularly, & I would always wake up to it.

I remember throwing away old comics at that apartment. Bad Gary! I also had a terrible experience with a disc jockey at that apartment - but I'll tell that story tomorrow.

Raise This Profile

Today is January 13, 2012, the fest day of St. Glaphyra, a popular saint among the chaste, wherever they may be.

The little boy downstairs is listening to the blues. The neighbor bums him out by telling him it's a dying art form.

In this holiday season everyone from everything & everyone expects only the best, most honest & sincere. The devil in front of the newspaper editor began to open long-faded pictures of his origins & sentenced him to write some 35 years.

But the story actually goes far past the 20th century, which was carried out in tents & vaudeville on South America with a strong tendency of migration to the north.

Of course, even today, the situation has not changed significantly, but the possibilities of affirmation are now much higher & that is, they inevitably open doors.

The little boy screams at the negative neighbor, "If you thought you heard all the blues, you are terribly wrong!"

Quiet, calm, fully relaxed without any euphoria & some additional stimulus, no fan preferences pure heart & good conscience.

Stop now! It's cold. Go, go & make a cake for your wife!

Hello, Snow!

January twelfth is the time & day when it first snowed in earnest in Lexington, Kentucky, in twenty twelve (2012). It rained a bit, then it snowed. It snowed a bit, then it snowed. It was all quite lovely.

The Almanac said, "Snow, then snow showers, cold." Tomorrow, it will be, "Sprinkles, very mild." The poor snow, come all this way to just be sprinkled off.

Science has confirmed (inasmuch as science "confirms" anything) that no two snowflakes are alike. You can catch one in your hand (but better if it's on your glove) & marvel at its crystal beauty.

You may need a guide to snowflake types. This is not available in the Almanac which, as has been demonstrated, treats the snow with scorn. "Sprinkles, very mild," sounds more like an order at a restaurant than a weather prediction!

Can you imagine, some folks even ask the question is the Farmer's Almanac accurate?

Does tell those farmers that the word "almanac" comes from the Arabic al manakh, which means calendar!

Gray Or Grey?

Is it gray or is it grey? On a gray day in Lexington, Self Help Radio taught a city how to properly spell the word for an unassuming color & then reported on what people thought the color meant. (For example, it "unsettles," but also "creates expectations," perhaps for unsettling things.) & lots of songs about the color & things of its color were played, all in grayscale. (What a terrible pun. I couldn't resist.)

The show has rested on the graying Self Help Radio website, but it is in two parts, gray part one & gray part two. What's in each part is listed below. Will the show make you gray? It certainly has made me gray.

(part one)

"Grey" Ken Nordine _Colors_
"Grey" Witches _Forever_
"Grey" New Young Pony Club _Fantastic Playroom_

"Gray Goose" Leadbelly _Midnight Special_
"Ofay & Oxford Gray" Louis Jordan & His Tympany Five _The Hoy Hoy Collection: Rock Before Elvis!_
"When You Are Old & Gray" Tom Lehrer _The Remains Of Tom Lehrer_
"Blue Turns To Grey" The Rolling Stones _December's Children (& Everybody's)_
"Here Come The People In Grey" The Kinks _Muswell Hillbillies_
"Turning Grey" The Boys _The Boys_

"White & Grey" Math & Physics Club _Movie Ending Romance_
"This Is Green, This Is Grey" Spearmint _Airpop Terminal 2_
"Grey Cell Green" Ned's Atomic Dustbin _The Brit Box: UK Indie, Shoegaze, & Brit-Pop Gems Of The Last Millennium_

(part two)

"Grey Lagoons" Roxy Music _For Your Pleasure_
"Fade To Grey" Visage _The Edge Of The Eighties_

"All Cats Are Grey" The Cure _Faith_
"All Cats Are Grey" Cleaners From Venus _Back From The Cleaners_
"Girl With Grey Eyes" Big Country _Steeltown_
"Grey Skies" Secret Shine _Fountain Island_

"Grey Flannelette" Jazz Butcher _In Bath Of Bacon_
"Wrapped In Grey" XTC _Nonsuch_
"Grey Day" Madness _7_
"Grey-Eyed Lie" Belmondo _Project: Echo_

Whither Grey/Gray?

Sez the wikipedia, "In photography & computing, a grayscale or greyscale digital image is an image in which the value of each pixel is a single sample, that is, it carries only intensity information. Images of this sort, also known as black-&-white, are composed exclusively of shades of gray, varying from black at the weakest intensity to white at the strongest."

There was a time when the entire world was shades of grey (or gray), as is discussed in this important historical document:



(You can click to make it bigger.)

Self Help Radio turns gray tomorrow at 7:30 am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington. You can listen anywhere online at wrfl dot fm. & it'll settle into its grayness later at self help radio dot net. Listen in!

Preface To Grey/Gray: Does Gray Matter?

Does gray matter? Or is it grey matter?

The wikipedia spells it grey matter & points out, as people who have seen the movie Hannibal know, that "in living tissue, grey matter actually has a grey-brown color, which comes from capillary blood vessels & neuronal cell bodies." But "grey-brown matter" sounds a little like something that might be hurked up after a night of binge drinking, or something someone might find in one's trousers after they had sharted, usually during a night of binge drinking.

Of course, people have wondered what does grey matter taste like? As someone who doesn't eat any animal products, I can't even imagine, but many humans have eaten other animals' brains for millenia, & apparently you can even buy pork brains in milk gravy at the supermarket. Poor little pigs!

I don't know how old we've been using this term for the brain, but the Latin, substantia grisea, does indeed mean "grey substance," or, "grey matter" as a pretty good translation. No one online wants to tell me when the word came into English, & if it came as a translation of the Latin.

I thought grey matter mattered more than that!

A Complete History Of American Fight Songs

Rah rah rah! said the placard in front of the unassuming building two doors down from a home town hardware store. In this particular edifice, it is said, are contained vaults filled with recordings, sheet music, &, perhaps inevitably, pom poms of every conceivable fluff & color.

The docents have all gone home or retired. There are no cheers emanating from the Museum Of The American Fight Song. Not even the junkies who stand sadly by the giant dumpster know when last it was opened to the public. It is not easy, says one, to cop in such a place.

Across the street is a bar, The Fartknocker, not the most popular place in town. The clientele is virtually nonexistent. To discover it is actually named after someone - Elvis Thibauld Fartknocker the Third - Third! - turns more people away than you might expect. Mr. Fartknocker explains the museum's dilemma:

"They are another victim of the Islamo-Zionist-Feminazi plan to take over our popular sports," he says.

Three New York Times reporters were suspended without pay for not vetting Mr. Fartknocker who, it turns out, is a really awful person & a big smelly racist no matter what his lawyers say we can or cannot say. Racist! Racist! Racists suck!

But did racism do in the Museum Of The American Fight Song? Or was it, as a drunken plumber suggested at the bar, a series of frozen pipes unrepaired after last year's terrible winter?

We may never know. Calls to the museum were unreturned. No one answered the door. The posted hours were not honored. They wouldn't accept a friend request on Facebook. We stayed outside the building for two whole days but no one came in or out. The light over the "exit" sign burned out & no one replaced it.

To be continued?

Are We Having Foam Yet?

This is delicious not to share:

The Long Way Around

No, you're not tripping. After a season where many take trips home for the holidays or trips away from bad weather, Self Help Radio has chosen to talk about trips. It is, however, cheaper than most trips & you don't have to wait in line at all.

The show is waiting on the top platform at self help radio dot net. The show has two legs - er - two parts - sorry, I'm still thinking in traveling terms. The first part of the show is in this unpacked bag & the second part of the show is in this packed bag. The items in the manifest are listed below.

Enjoy your trip!

(part one)

"The Trip" Dave Mitchell & The Screamers _All Night Soul Stomp! Dancefloor Boogaloo Romp!_
"Let's Take A Trip" Jonathan Richman _It's Time For Jonathan Richman_
"Hard Travelin'" Woody Guthrie _Hard Travelin': The Asch Recordings, Vol. 3_

"African Trip" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_
"Thee Olde Trip To Jerusalem" The Mekons _OOOH!_
"My Trip To Asia" Oh Sweet Music! _Series Two Compilation Vol. 1_
"Siamese Couplets" Guild League _Private Transport_
"Honey Moon Trip To Mars" Jack Tucker _Rocket Ship_

"Travel Agent" Monty Python _Monty Python's Previous Record_
"Chartered Trips" Hüsker Dü _Zen Arcade_
"Travelling Man" The Woodentops _Giant_

(part two)

"Day Tripper" Swingle Singers _Ticket To Ride: A Beatles Tribute_
"Trip To Your Heart" Sly & The Family Stone _Whole New Thing_

"The Trip" Kim Fowley _Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The First Psychedelic Era, Vol. 2_
"The Trip" Donovan _Troubador: The Definitie Collection 1964 - 1976_
"Trip On Me" The Forum _The River Is Wide_
"Bad Trip" Lee Fields _Problems_
"Mobius Trip" H.P. Lovecraft _H.P. Lovecraft/H.P. Lovecraft II_
"Pat-Trip Dispenser" The Fall _The Wonderful & Frightening World Of The Fall_

"Tracy Took A Trip" Executive _Rubbles Vol. 1_
"Take A Trip" Dirtbombs Vs. King Khan & His Shrines _Billiards At Nine Thirty_
"Bad Trip" Auntie Christ _Life Could Be A Dream_
"Essential Wear For Future Trips To Space" Ballboy _Club Anthems_

Whither Trips?

I am not planning any trips in the near future, except for the show. Instead, I am planning to spend the first part of the year mimicking ants.

This will be difficult, since I have only four legs (counting my arms as legs). Also, I am several hundred times larger than the average ant, & will doubtless be considered a threat when I try to burrow into their hills. Clearly, I need to practice being an ant before I attempt to mimic one in the wild.

I know what you're thinking. When I was practicing camouflage in early 2011, in order to blend in with the natives of Lexington, I failed miserably. I didn't know that cheetos & cigarettes would be required in such abundance. My cholesterol shot up. I chose instead to be shunned.

But it made sense for me to want to mimic the human beings here in Lexington. I live here! Why ants? Well, there are doubtless many good reasons to mimic ants, & as soon as I get these antennae on, I will think of some. Also, it may be hard to find an anthill in the winter. No matter! I am on my way!

Shall I be a worker or a queen?

Listen tomorrow to Self Help Radio from 7:30 to 9am on 88.1 fm in Lexington for songs about trips, including (but probably not) songs about the trips ants make. Are you not in Lexington? You can listen at wrfl dot fm on the internet. Are you not happening in real time? Then you can listen later at self help radio dot net. Ants dig it!

(I hope.)

Preface To Trips: Year End Accounting

If it turns out anyone has actually read this blog, he or she will know that I love to count things. Dumb things, like the number of posts in the blog, & also the number of radio shows I've done. I like to keep most of them to myself - but since it's the end of 2011, I thought I post this little bit of number crunching.

(Note: no numbers have actually been crunched.)

In 2011, I did (according to my count) 149 radio shows. That means roughly one radio show every two & a half days. That's a lot of radio, I know. In a different world, I'd be punished for it.

But is that number correct? It certainly didn't seem to me that I've been up at the station every three days. It turns out that when I counted my radio shows, I didn't take into account the fact that I tend to do two radio shows in a three hour period - Sugar Substitute for ninety minutes, then Self Help Radio for the same. So if I add that to my calculations, I did 94 shows in 2011 - which is still a lot, or a show about every four days.

As for Self Help Radio, there were 49 episodes this year. I'm not entirely sure where I was during some of those weeks - I thought I had taken just two weeks off this year.

What a lot of radio though! My word!

Once More, Near The End Of The Year

I met a man with a sore on his foot. I could not, myself, see the foot. I could only hear the sore.

"That's some sore, sir," I told the man, who was old & could no longer wince.

"Sorcerer?" he said superciliously, which I took super-sillily.

"Does it often sound as sad, your sore?" I asked once more.

He told me a story, which he bade me not to tell, but I will tell, now that his own tale is told.

He said, "I once was a titan, a leader of men. I led some women too, but only astray. The men I led were men of iron, not of lead, & they followed me to the end. The end of the street. They went to their one-room shacks on the right, I went to my mansion on the left. It was a company town. But that night I did not want company. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to eat alone. I wanted to sleep alone. I wanted to remind myself that I was a lone wolf."

I said, "Was this before or after the present day?"

He continued, "Night came & went, & still I was alone. But now I no longer wanted it. I wanted to hear the bells of the factory & the whistles of the church bells. I wanted to be reminded of Emma, now long forgotten, whose life had so nearly touched mine. Or of Emma, Emma's cousin, with the same, unfortunate name, who to this day runs a mile & a half every morning just to wake up. Her alarm clock, you see, is a mile & a half away."

I said, "I can't hear over the soaring score of your sore!"

He waved a dismissive hand. "The more I grew aware of my surroundings the less I cared about the mansion, the men I led, the place from whence we all came. Instead, I had to go where I was certain I could be more or less myself. So I went to Mysore."

"Your sore?"

"Mysore," he said, "in India. Though it's a lovely city - second in size only to Bangalore - & rated the second cleanest city in India in 2010 - it turned out to be a terrible chore. I could not find myself in Mysore."

"But," I asked, "did you find your sore in Mysore?"

"Young man, your sore is not as loud as my sore, nor (I might add) is it as loud as Mysore, which is a great city of nearly a million inhabitants, all with something to say."

I was late for writing this blog entry so I became impatient. I suddenly realized the man was an outpatient.

"You have been treated for your sore!" I said triumphantly. "& now you are returning home."

"Alas," said the man, as his sore made a low moan, "the story is never that simple."

"Humor me," I said phlegmatically.

"I will not humor you!" he said with bile.

"Then you leave me no choice," I said. "I will ask the sore!"

To the sore I swore I would say no more. Do not implore nor explore this lore! I cannot ignore the roar of your esprit de corps, but though I am done for, I'll underscore the origin's core: it was something of a bore.

Live! From Planet X!

The oldest surviving dance form in India is called Odissi. The oldest non-surviving dance form in India does not have a name yet. We're working on it.

The spaceship left for Planet X sometime in the morning from a farmhouse in County Donegal, Ireland. The passengers, if you want to call them that, were not in the least bit Irish. There was an element of bad planning.

In the spirit of romance, he wanted to name a lunar impact crater for her, only to discover that they were all named, & have been for some time. Therefore, he argued that the logical step would be for her to change her name to that of an existing lunar impact crater. He suggested Inghirami.

Meanwhile, on the way to Planet X, the space toilet gets clogged up. Everyone blames Barnes.

To understand the next part of our tale, please familiarize yourself with the effects of human exposure to vacuum.

Our heroes may return to find their planet reduced to a feudal state.

The entire adventure, I am told, will be performed a cappella by several college singing groups in competition. A well-known but possibly washed-up director with his screenwriter pal Jimmy has already purchased the rights.

(What you've all been waiting for) Live! From Planet X! They answer the door! They're invited in! It's very nice! & classy! (That's a surprise!)

The new motto: "We'll Show YOU A Good Time On Planet X!"

Indiepop A To Z Continued

Oooo, so close! Three songs away from finishing the indiepop Gs!

Today I shanghaied my freeform pop show, Sugar Substitute, to play three hours of indiepop in alphabetical order, from Gold-Bears to Guild League, in my foolish, ridiculous, OCD-driven plan to catalog indiepop bands, musicians, & influences. Maybe I'll never finish this, but it's sure fun trying.

The shows are available at the Self Help Radio website, but below are direct links to each show (they're both in two parts), & below the below there's a list of the songs in each part. Feel free to yell at me for missing a band or artist that's important. After a while, poring over lists, thinking too hard, my brain turns to twee & mush.

Indiepop A To Z # 34 Part I
Indiepop A To Z # 34 Part II
Indiepop A To Z # 35 Part I
Indiepop A To Z # 35 Part II

Thanks for listening! Self Help Radio returns to random themes next week!

Indiepop A To Z # 34 Part I

"Tally" Gold-Bears _Are You Falling In Love?_
"George Hamilton's Dead" The Golden Dawn _Air Balloon Road_
"Now I Hear The Train" The Golden Rule _The Golden Rule EP_

"My Life Is Like A Stanley Knife (Cut, Cut, Cut)" Golden Strings _Split 7" with Buy Off The Bar_
"A Summer Escape" Golden Teardrops _A Summer Escape_
"Wherever" Goldstoned _You Thought It Was The End Of The World When The Rain Ruined Your Hair_
"Virtually Happy" Golightly Holly _The Good Things_
"Rose" The Good Natured _Birdsongs, Beesongs: Eardrums Spring Compilation 2009_

"We Are Not The Same" Good Shoes _Think Before You Speak_
"First One On The Beach" Goodnight Monsters _Summer Challenge_
"Dancing Shoes" Goof _C06_
"Sunshine, Lollipops & Rainbows" Lesley Gore _Sunshine, Lollipops & Rainbows: The Best Of Lesley Gore_
"Young Girls & Happy Endings" Gorky's Zygotic Mynci _Barafundle_

Indiepop A To Z # 34 Part II

"Automobile (with Tracyanne Campbell)" Gospel Music _Duettes EP_

"We Are The Gothic Archies" Gothic Archies _The Tragic Treasury: Songs From A Series Of Unfortunate Events_
"I'm Used Now" Grab Grab The Haddock _Three Songs By Grab Grab The Haddock_
"Bad Days Must End" Gradapenda Rosindale _The Sound Of Leamington Spa Vol 5_
"Song 18" Grandrapids _Symphony For Heartbreak - US Pop Life Vol. 9: Seattle/Portland_
"Baby In A Plastic Bag" Grape _Baby In A Plastic Bag_

"Breaks My Heart" Grapes Of Wrath _September Bowl Of Green_
"St. George's Way" The Gravy Train _St. George's Way 7"_
"We Say No" Great Aunt Ida _How They Fly_
"Amen" Great Chefs Of Europe _Amen_

Indiepop A To Z # 35 Part I

"A Little Touched" Great Lakes _Great Lakes_
"All I Could Do" Great Outdoors _World At My Shoes 7"_
"Head In The Clouds" The Great Outdoors _Head In The Clouds_

"Letter To A Fanzine" Great Plains _Length Of Growth 1981-89_
"Hold Onto The Rail" The Great Unwashed _Clean Out Of Our Minds_
"Jessica" Adam Green _Friends Of Mine_
"I'm Gonna Stay With Her" Pete Green _Platform Zero EP_
"Summer's On" The Green Fields _Melodies For Afternoon_
"Kim The Waitress" Green Pajamas _Indian Winter_

"I Get It!" Green Peppers _Ave Marina: Ten Years Of Marina Records_
"The Millionth Lovesong" Greenhouse _Knowing Where It All Leeds_

Indiepop A To Z # 35 Part II

"Philco" Grenadine _Goya_
"Faces" Greyhound Green _Baby I'm Yours_
"Just A Silly Phase I'm Going Through" The Groove Farm _The Sound Of Leamington Spa Volume 2_
"Innocent Yuppie" The Groove Machine _Try A Little Sunshine: A Greek Indiepop Compilation_

"Summer" The Grooveyard _Uncle Arthur's Pop Parlour_
"Andy Watch Out!" Paul Groovy & The Pop Art Experience _Andy Watch Out!_
"Of All The Girls In The World" The Groovy Cellar _Review III (Marsh-Marigold)_
"You Make My Head Explode" The Groovy Little Numbers _You Make My Head Explode 12"_
"Don't Wake The Dead" Guards _Guards EP_

"Cucurucho" Guatafán _Cucurucho_
"I Am A Scientist" Guided By Voices _Bee Thousand_
"Citronella" The Guild League _Inner North_

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 34 - 35?

It's true! Tomorrow Self Help Radio & Sugar Substitute are teaming up to continue the Indiepop A To Z series!

When we last left the foolish, interminable attempt to be comprehensive, we were still in the Gs... We finished with the Gol Gappas, which can only mean bands with "gold" in their name can't be far behind! (Actually, they're right behind. We're starting with Atlanta's Gold-Bears.)

Spoiler Alert!

I did that too late, didn't I?

I have fifty songs in my head right now which will take us to the end of the Gs. Will one hundred eighty minutes be enough time to get through them all? You'll have to listen to find out!

Remember, Indiepop A To Z # 34 airs on Sugar Substitute from 6am to 7:30am, while Indiepop A To Z # 35 airs on Self Help Radio from 7:30am to 9am. You can listen in Lexington at 88.1 fm or online at wrfl dot fm. The shows will be archived - as are virtually all of the indiepop a to z shows, later at the Self Help Radio website.

Fans of indiepop, alphabetization &/or OCD behavior - I'll see you tomorrow!

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 34: Why Talk About This On Christmas Eve?

It was a lovely day in Lexington. I spent the morning preparing the Christmas show I'm playing tomorrow morning from 6 to 9 am on WRFL. Then I continued listening to bands & musicians whose alphabetically important name starts with "g" since I will be continuing the indiepop a to z this Monday. Might I even finish the Gs? I don't know!

Then I walked the dogs. It was sunny & not that cold & doesn't feel much like Christmas - the clerk at the "co-op" in town (it's not a co-op, but they call themselves one) didn't even wish me a happy holiday - but it did get nippy as the sun sank toward the horizon.

I am thinking about what to make for dinner while listening to stuff for Monday's show. You might hear my multitasking brain while I am typing - "Is Guadalcanal Diary indiepop?" it just thought, before answering itself, "No" - as I sort through the list. This is both the easiest & most time-consuming show I do. I might even finish the Gs!

You're not reading this right now, if ever, but if you are someone who celebrates the Christmas Eve & then the Christmas Day, let me say on behalf of everyone at Self Help Radio (it's basically just me & three dogs & three cats & whatever birds & squirrels are hanging around the bird feeder) that we hope you have a safe & happy holiday. You deserve it!

Self Help 101: Surviving The Holidays With Families

Do you have a family? You may think yourself lucky. There are, as we are solemnly aware in this season of credit card debt, many people who've lost other people, or who never had them in the first place. & if you think that's a bummer, you may know be coming to this realization: holy crap in a blanket, I'm going to have to spend the next few days with my family!

Family, as it probably says in the Bible or something, is like a tumor: most are benign. But no one really wants to get a tumor, not even as a conversation starter or a reason to take the day off for elective surgery & the biopsy party that night. (There are, as Oscar Wilde once noted, better reasons to have a party.)

Yet we must ask ourselves in this season of homophobic Salvation Army bell ringers: what if our family is malignant? Who's going to tell Mom? Does it have to be me? Below is a list, gathered from the sages of ages & some Family Circus cartoons, of ways to survive the time with the family at least until there are better prescription pills.

1) Choose to hear the most common offensive remarks (racist, misogynistic, jingoistic, etc.) in the context of an anthropologist visiting from the future. Perhaps write a few of them down.

2) Give useless advice to one family member & then say another family member told you to tell them that.

3) One is often told to stay away from touchy subjects like religion & politics. However, you do not have to avoid them; instead, brush up before the holidays on obscure ancient religions & the politics of dead civilizations.

4) Respond to most queries with a smile & a wink.

5) In situations where a drunken or old (or both) family member is about to tell the same story they've told every year, pay attention like you've never done before, often exclaiming things like, "Ooo, I know this one! It's a good 'un!"

6) Don't be so rude by listening to music on your mp3 player or texting all the time on your phone. Be so rude by pretending to fall asleep while sitting at a table.

7) Have short poems from amateur internet "poetry" sites printed on pieces of paper. Give them to family members & say, "This made me think of you." Or, if the poem is exceptionally bad, say, "Can you tell me what this means?"

8) Weather permitting, position yourself always just out of earshot.

9) Hug family members quickly, often muttering words of consolation, then pretend to be distracted by something else & move on.

10) Continue that search for those better prescription pills.

Happy holidays & stuff from Self Help Radio!

Have Yourself A Gary Little Christmas

What, did you think this year's A Very Self Help Radio Christmas was the end? Oh no. Despite the fact that I don't really celebrate Christmas, & will in fact be mostly drunk throughout the holidays, I am actually going to be doing shows on Christmas Eve & Christmas Morning. What? No way!

You can catch me from 6 to 8pm on Saturday night & from 6 to 9am on Sunday morning. Basically, I'm bookending Santa's flight.

Might I remind you that you can also hear a Christmas show I did two years ago in a different state on a different radio station here? I don't repeat myself often, if at all, on Self Help Radio, but when I'm doing other shows, repeats are allowed.

I promise I won't scream into the microphone like I've been doing lately.

UPDATE: I won't be doing Christmas Eve after all. Oh well. More drinking for me!

A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2011

Happy holidays from Self Help Radio! Here's a selection of holiday tunes that range from the goofy to the schmaltzy.

The show is in two almost equal parts at the Self Help Radio website. Part one is beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Part two is donning now its gay apparel. What's in each part is below.

The best wishes for you & yours during this festive season! As always, thanks for listening!

(part one)

"The Kinds Of Christmas" Ken Nordine & Chorus _Merry Christmas From Line Material 1958_
"Santa Santa" Rocky Fellers _Look At Killer Joe Go!_

"Christmas Ferret" The Amoeba People _Incomprehensible Communications_
"Disco Claus" Bionic I _Disco Claus_
"Christmas Bop" T. Rex _T. Rex Wax Co. Singles, Vol. 2 (1975-1978)_
"Sleigh Ride" Lio, Helena Noguerra, & Marie France _Ze Xmas Record Reloaded_
"Twelve Days Of Christmas" Mike Sammes Singers _White Christmas_

"The Chord Cracker" Hugo Kant _I Don't Want To Be An Emperor_
"Do You Hear Rainbows I Hear (Apollo Zero Reconstruct)" Apollo Zero _Santastic III In 3-D_
"To Make A Christmas Cake That Will Keep Until Easter" Alan Maitland (Fireside Al) _Fireside Al's Treasury Of Christmas Stories_

(part two)

"It's Christmas Baby (Why You Wearin' Black)" Aquavelvets _Fuzz, Acid & Mistletoe: Christmas In The Garage_
"Christmas Here On Mars" Bubble _Xmas EP_
"White Christmas" Doug & The Slugs _Slugcology 101_

"On A Christmas Day" Leadbelly _Leadbelly_
"Christmas Sing-Along/Deck The Halls" Sesame Street Gang _Sesame Street Christmas Sing-Along_
"Santa Got Lost In Texas" Michael Landon _Bonanza Original TV Cast: Christmas On The Ponderosa_
"Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town" The Ralph Hunter Choir _Christmas Surprises_
"Jingle Bells" Balla Tounkara & Balla Kouyate _Malifoly_

"Merry Something To You" Devo _Merry Something To You_
"Christmas In The Center Of The Earth" Wow _Business Deal Band Lotto 2_
"For Christmas I Got Pityriasis Rosea" The Research _Rhubarb Bomb Xmas EP 2007_
"Christmas Is Cancelled" The Long Blondes _Christmas Is Cancelled_
"X-Mas Song" Fireflies _Goodnight Stars, Goodnight Moon_

Whither A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2011?

'Twas the night before the Self Help Radio Christmas show,
& all through the house -
Well, I can't see all through the house -
All the hounds & cats were on the sofa with the wife
Watching the season finale of "Homeland"

What, you can't write a "free verse" version of a Christmas classic?
It would be a hard thing to have to rhyme
At a time like this
See, I can't even manage it in that manner
I guess it really is kind of lame

It actually reminds me of a chick I used to know
Who wrote me emails that were like this
It made the emails seem to be "poetic"
& added bulk to them
When the content was really just
Barely a paragraph

Oh well, let's go back to talking about Christmas
One show! A show a year! One Christmas show!
If only that made it all go away
Instead, it's just another year
Will you listen & not be like
the hounds & the cats & the wife on the sofa

They always sleep through my show

Listen! Listen! All through your house & car or whatever!
From 7:30 to 9am on the 88.1 frequency
That's in Lexington
Or online at wrfl dot fm
(Archived later at the Self Help Radio website)

Fa la la la la la la la falafel!