Preface To Advice: Some People Can't Help But Give Advice

So you probably know someone who can't help but give advice. Sometimes it's someone who's perfectly handy, & maybe you've asked them for advice before - like when a tree branch has fallen & you might need to chop the tree down, or if it's something to do with plumbing - but since then, they imagine every innocent comment you make is a cry for help. Or maybe it's someone who you know for a fact is a complete fuck-up & you can't believe what they're telling you - they could be sitting in a pool of their own filth & they'd give you advice on personal hygiene.

The first type of person is always a nice fellow. Their advice might even be fine, but shouldn't you ask for the advice before it's given? Here is perhaps a sample conversation probably not drawn from real life:

You: Hey, good to hear from you.
The Adviser: How are things up north?
You: Oh, I'm excited, it's going to snow tonight!
The Adviser: You'll want to be careful driving in that snow. Let me tell you the best techniques...

The second type of person is pretty self-explanatory, but they have another terrible trait (well, the first probably has, too) of giving you advice for a third person on behalf of whom (they imagine) you're seeking their expertise. For example, & again, certainly not something that has ever possibly happened in real life:

The Adviser: How's the wife?
You: Oh, she's fine, but she's a little overextended at work.
The Adviser: You should tell her what I do to keep my work & home life separate...

You yourself have doubtless given advice unsolicited many times in your life, but it's not a serial problem with you. With these kinds of people, it really is. & there's probably no good advice out there on how to deal with them - confronting them will just make them defensive - except perhaps - uh oh here's some unsolicited advice - just stay away from them.

Happy Birthday Mitch Hedberg!

He would have been 44 today - my age. It was - & remains - a terrible loss. Luckily there's a lot of media that documents his awesomeness. Like this:

Thursday Picture Of A Pet

This magnificent bastard is named Bolan, a cat brought into our household by the woman I would soon marry, who wanted a cat all her own, & who raised him like a dog. (Actually, he was raised, much as Beatrice was, by my cat Buster, about whose life & sad, sad death I wrote about some time ago.) Bolan did grow up with two beagles, & was always fearless around them, & eats about as much as they do. I think he sometimes wonders why he doesn't have floppy ears.

He's a noisy guy, & stubborn, & ballsy. He will eat things that happen to be lying around, & we put him in a separate room at dinnertime because he'll inhale his food & then harass his sisters for theirs. I've seen him make off with dog treats - because he stands with the dogs expecting one himself.

I think he daydreams about taking me down one day. But then, being a cat, he seeing a spot of sunlight & settles down for some napping & grooming.

In Between This Show & The Next One

Self Help Radio learned this week that grammarians & aesthetes everywhere dislike the putting of a dash between "in" & "between" in the phrase "in between." Self Help Radio, unfortunately, LOVES putting dashes in between words. But I guess I see the point. The dash doesn't make much sense when you say things like "I stood in between you & your dog at the bus stop." But it somehow feels right to say "I like when I do my shows; I don't like the times in-between."

But every song I played today mentioned or was entitled "in between" in some way. I am a little prideful of that - I thought I might have to cheat & play a few plain old "between" songs. Not so! You can see the playlist below if you want to check. You can also listen to the show at the Self Help Radio website. Or! Do you want direct links? I will put them in between this word - link to part one + link to part two - & this word.

As always, thanks for listening!

(part one)

"In Between" Beat Happening _Jamboree_
"In-Between" Tree Fort Angst _Last Page In The Book Of Love_
"In Between" Judy Garland _The Complete Decca Masters (Plus)_

"In-Between Days" The Cure _The Head On The Door_
"In Betweens" The Only Ones _Even Serpents Shine_
"In Betweens" The Nils _The Nils_
"Somewhere In Between" Kate Bush _Aerial_

"Between The Devil & The Deep Blue Sea" Blossom Dearie _Give Him The Ooh-La-La_
"Call Me Mr. In-Between" Burl Ives _A Little Bitty Tear_
"The In-Between Years" James MacArthur _Hey! Look What I Found, Vol. 3_
"The In-Between" Magnapop _Mouthfeel_

(part two)

"In Between Buses" Las Robertas _Cry Out Loud_

"High, Low & In-Between" Townes Van Zandt _The Anthology: 1968-1979_
"In Between Love" Tom Waits _The Early Years, Vol. 2_
"Deep Down & In Between" Young Fresh Fellows _This One's For The Ladies_
"In Between Tears" Irma Thomas _In Between Tears_
"In Between" Pop Art _Really Blind Faith: A Retrospective 1984-1990_

"In Between" Secret Shine _The Beginning & The End_
"In Between & After" All Natural Lemon & Lime Flavors _Turning Into Small_
"In Between Times" Mice Parade _What It Means To Be Left-Handed_
"Houses In Between" The Water Walk _Thingamajig_
"Two Minds In Between" Guther _Sundet_

Whither In-Between?

I'm not a "tween," which is defined by Wikipedia as "that is, preadolescence, the stage between middle childhood & adolescence in human development, in the range of 10 to 12 years old," & not only that, I find tweens particularly boring.

Almost none of them listen to my show!

I'm also not the middle child - I have six brothers & sisters, & I was number six of the series of seven. Although technically I did come in between number five & number seven. I was the penultimate child, though!

There will be an entire show about things in between, or in-between, or just being in between something & another - tomorrow morning at 7:30 am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington. You can listen to the show anywhere in realistic time by clicking here to get the audio stream. (This applies to all WRFL programming so you can click it any time!) I'll archive the show some time in between when I do & when it's already on my website, which is self help radio dot net.

I hope you listen some time in between now & then!

Preface To In-Between: In-Between Daze

I suspect many of us have in-between days. & time in between the hours of the day. It all depends on how we define the things we're in-between. For example, I am usually (about six days & twenty-one hours) in between regular scheduled radio shows. My radio shows last about three hours (ninety minutes of Sugar Substitute, ninety minutes of Self Help Radio) & the rest of the time I'm in between them.

Or consider meals. I eat on average two meals a day. Most of the time I'm in-between meals. No snacking in between!

Then there's this Peanuts cartoon to consider, from just over forty years ago (it appeared in newspapers February 17, 1982):



By the way, I've been alternating writing "in-between" & "in between" because I like writing "in-between" but grammarians tell me (not to my face) that the proper way to write it is "in between." I am hedging my bets with ferocious grammarians. Yet I think a dash add dash. Pun intended.

I am not programmed

to have this much fun.

Thursday Picture Of A Pet

This is Ringo. He's the first dog I've ever owned myself (my family dog when I was growing up was technically my mother's, & George belongs mainly to my wife, Magda) but he was also the first animal that I adopted with my wife (who at the time was my girlfriend). She was away for the summer of 2004 but was always sending me images from a hound rescue website in Houston, Texas. He had been rescued from people who used him (this is true) as a bait dog for pit bull fighting. His left eye, as you can see above, doesn't work anymore - it was almost ripped out of his head.

We call him our "love child" because he was my present to Magda after her being away all summer. Turns out he was also a present to George, with whom he became best friend & co-conspirator. He's a very waggish dog & very snuggly, & also terribly lazy. Though when he wants to run, he can. & does.

It hasn't really snowed here in Lexington this winter, but I snapped this pic a week or so ago when there was a little snow in the air. & on Ringo.

Hello Lovesick Friend!

Today Self Help Radio examined your condition in detail. We touched your sweaty palms, we noted your weak knees, we watched you form labored sentences in your dry mouth, we worried about your increased heart rate, & we asked you to sit down when you complained of light headedness. Then we played songs about being lovesick for you. What the hell else could we do?

If you'd like to have some empathy from lovesick musicians from the past few decades, you can listen to the show at the Self Help Radio website. As always, the show is divided into two parts for easy consumption, & you can find part one pumping blood out from the left ventricle & part two bringing blood back through the right atrium. Though the contents might be a little bloody, they are listed below.

Have a happy Valentine's Day! & thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Lovesick" The Arrogants _Your Simple Beauty_
"Lovesick" Jackie & Roy _Lovesick_
"Love Sick" Orange Juice _The Glasgow School (Coals To Newcastle CD1)_

"Lovesick Blues" Emmett Miller _American Yodeling 1911-1946_
"Lovesick" Lisa Germano _Excerpts From A Love Circus_
"Love Sickness" Sir Mack Rice _The Complete Stax-Volt Soul Singles: 1959 - 1968_
"Lovesick" Gang Starr _Mass Appeal: The Best Of Gang Starr_
"Lovesick" Autonervous _Nostalgia Del Buio_

"Love Sick" Mariachi El Bronx _Chimes Of Freedom: The Songs Of Bob Dylan_
"Crazy Lovesick Fool" Brak & Zoak _Space Ghost's Musical Bar-B-Que_
"Lovesick" Mike Berry & The Innocents _Don't You Think It's Time: R&R Hits From The 60s & 70s_

(part two)

"Lovesick" Broder Daniel _Saturday Night Engine_
"Lonesome Lovesick Blues" Katherine Henderson _Clarence Williams & The Blues Singers, Vol 2: 1927-1932_

"Love Sickness" Sandy Trapp _Love Sickness_
"A Favor For A Girl (With A Love Sick Heart)" Brenda Holloway _The Motown Anthology_
"Lovesick" Lindstrøm & Christabelle _Real Life Is No Cool_
"Minors At Nite (Still Sick)" Adult. _Resuscitation_
"Lovesick" King Khan & The Shrines _Mr. Supernatural_

"Mayfly" Belle & Sebastian _If You're Feeling Sinister_
"Love Sickness" The Camelots _Doo Wop Radio: A Tribute To The DJs, Vol. 1_
"Love Sick Tears" Koko Taylor _Koko Taylor_
"Love Sick Dog" Willie Alexander & The Jackals _Throbbing Lobsterclaws_
"Lovesick Blues" Bertha "Chippie" Hill _Louis Armstrong & The Blues Singers_

Whither Lovesick?

Though I don't advocate for Valentine's Day, since it does seem to make more people miserable than happy, & seems to enrich some truly greedy people in our society, I do a Valentine's Day show every year because I can't help myself. (It's the same with Christmas.) (It's not the same with Arbor Day.)

This will be Self Help Radio's ninth Valentine's Day show. It's about lovesickness. What have the previous Valentine's Day shows been about? I'm glad you axed!

VDay 2003: Valentine's Day (generally)
VDay 2004: Love
VDay 2005: Hate
VDay 2006: (cancelled due to burned-down radio station)
VDay 2007: Crushes
VDay 2008: Jealousy
VDay 2009: Boyfriends
VDay 2010: Girlfriends
VDay 2011: Love Songs

It's on tomorrow morning at 7:30 am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington. The WRFL website is wrfl dot fm. You can listen to the show anywhere in the world from there. This right here is a direct link to the station's audio stream. I will archive the show later in the day for all your Valentine's Day needs at self help radio dot net.

I'll be giving away valentines tomorrow. You may want one!

Preface To Lovesick: It's Like Hunger

Is being without love like being without food? People who are experiencing lovesickness often act as if they are in pain, & the stomach hurts a lot. But hunger is not like indigestion - perhaps lovesickness is more like gastro-intestional distress than hunger. Hard to keep food down. Lots of hurking.

Self Help Radio has often thought of starting a kind of "lovesick cafe," with expensive food that no one really eats because they're feeling like shit, so the food doesn't have to be terribly good. It might even be recycled!

It would be fun to program the music for a place like that.

Lovesick is like hunger in that it affects the entire body, though. That's pretty true. Hunger will waste you away like lovesickness.

However. There might be those who think that hunger - which is a terrible problem that afflicts a depressing percentage of the world's population - shouldn't be compared with lovesickness, which isn't acknowledged by the psychiatric community as a real sickness. Those people might not understand the concept of a metaphor. That's too bad.

Can pets be lovesick? Yes. Yes, they can.

Letter To A Famous Person

Do you worry about urinary tract infections? Or do you have a urologist on speed dial? Could there be such things as lousy urologists? Wouldn't someone enter that profession to make the most money possible? So wouldn't they want to be the best urologist possible? This is something perhaps you know.

What makes you most sad, being misunderstood or being only able to relate to other famous people? Is it enough that you can now be friends with George Clooney? Do you talk about important things, even private things, around the people who work for you in the same way that the aristocracy talk around servants - as if they're not even there, utterly secure in the knowledge they won't tell anyone your awful secrets? Do you think people other than you feel resentment?

You might google yourself every once in a while. Or do you have someone who does that for you? Do you trust that person? Don't you think that person whom you've hired to search for stuff online about you might edit some of the comments found? Because he or she is getting paid not to engage you but to flatter your ego? Does that bother you? Do you remember a time when that might've bothered you?

People imagine the famous dying in horrible ways far more often than they imagine anyone else dying. This is almost certainly a scientific fact. Does that flatter you? If at some point in time something impossibly magical happens in the universe, like an assassin genie or a death ray, would you be happy to be the first famous person utterly destroyed by the rage of someone who will never be famous? What if the person with the death ray or the assassin genie made sure you suffered terribly for it? Note: there would not be an award - posthumous or otherwise - for your suffering.

Wouldn't it be nice if you sent out greeting cards from time to time? Yourself, of course, not your assistant. Just taking a little time to send greeting cards, cards you've purchased yourself, it can be in a gift shop or in a drug store, it doesn't matter, cards you've purchased yourself and written in yourself, sent to perhaps family or old friends, if you still have any. Even to George Clooney. Wouldn't that be nice? You could pretend then you have something like a soul!

Do you know why you're so easily offended? Do you need an analyst to tell you why? How about some kind of spiritual medium, like a Scientologist or a Magic Eight Ball? Are you as comforted as most people to know that nothing lasts forever?

That's enough for now. Thank you for your time.

Thursday Picture Of A Pet

This is my dog George. He's the oldest non-human animal in the house - he'll be fourteen in April. I met him in the fall of 2001, & we were not always friends. He loved his mother most of all, & was disturbed when I entered the picture. But we became friends over time, & now we love each other quite a lot. I still think he loves his mother more than me.

Just recently he ate about a pound & a half of birdseed. Though I've had beagles in my life for over ten years now, I still occasionally do dumb things like leaving opened containers of birdseed out for them to pillage. Beagles are foodies & will eat pretty much anything.

He was very sick for a couple of days, & like most animals, he looked miserable, since he had no idea what was happening to him nor why. & frankly, seeing a shaky old dog vomit & poop birdseed is one of the saddest things you'll ever see. He got better though. He'd eat more birdseed if it were still around.

He's old so he sleeps a lot. I admire his old white face & his happiness in slumberland.

Bumpity Bump

Self Help Radio bumped along today. It was a bumpy ride. I might have bumped my head. Can anyone here diagnose a hematoma? Many of the bumpy songs seem to postulate a dance called "the bump." The dance might also require "a grind." It just seems a little less than wholesome. That's all I'm saying.

The show in its entirety is at the Self Help Radio website. But! If you need a quick bump, you can listen to the two parts directly here: part one, bump bump, & then part two. What is in each part is below. Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night!

& thanks for listening!

(part one)

"The Bump" The Commodores _Caught In The Act_
"The Bump" Kenny _The Singles Collection Plus_
"The Bump (Part 1)" The Everyday People _The Everyday People_

"New Orleans Bump (Take 2)" Jelly Roll Morton & His Orchestra _The Jelly Roll Morton Centennial: His Complete Victor Recordings_
"Bump & Boogie (Part 1)" The Wrecking Crew _The Complete Stax-Volt Soul Singles: 1972-1975_
"Goombay Bump" Jay Mitchell _Cult Cargo: Grand Bahama Goombay_
"Bumpin' & Stompin'" Garland Green _Northern Soul's Guilty Secrets_

"Bumpity Bump" Smiley Lewis _Juke Joint Jive_
"Do The Double Bump" Rufus Thomas _The Funkiest Man Alive: The Stax Funk Sessions 1967-1975_
"I Love To Bumpity Bump (On A Bumpy Road With You)" Guy Lombardo & His Royal Canadians _Songs The Bonzo Dog Band Taught Us_
"Bumper Crop" Volcano Suns _Bumper Crop_

(part two)

"Humpin', Bumpin' & Thumpin'" Andre Williams _Movin' On: Greasy & Explicit Soul Movers (1956-1970)_

"Jump & Bump" The Flares _Foot Stompin'_
"Bumpercars" Andy Partridge _Fuzzy Warbles, Vol. 4_
"Humpty Bump (Parts 1 & 2)" Vibrettes _Eddie Bo's Funky Funky New Orleans_
"Bump & Grind" Tenor Fly _An England Story: 25 Years Of The MC In The UK_
"Bumpin'" Ground Hog _Curtom Funk_

"Bump Miss Susie" Big Joe Turner with Van 'Piano Man' Walls Orchestra _Atlantic Blues (1949-1970)_
"Bump'n From The Middle" Act 1 _Act 1_
"Bumper To Bumper" Eleventh Hour _Hollywood Hot_
"Bumps Boogie" King Porter _Rare West Coast Jump 'N' Jive 1945-1954_
"Speed Bumps" Boston Spaceships _Let It Beard_

Whither Bump?

I don't really know where the idea for this show came from. It appeared on the Self Help Radio queue & it made me very nervous. How many songs are about bumping? How many could there be? Before I sat down to think about it, the only song that popped into my head was "Children Of The Revolution" by T Rex, which contains the phrase "you can bump & grind." Would that be how this show went?

No! It would not! I sprang into action! I learned how to do The Bump! I refused something called "a bump" (which I was told "would get me high") at a dance club from a stranger! I tangled with things that go bump in the night! (In my house, those are cats.) I got goose bumps thinking about the show! Then I tried to find music.

That wasn't as much fun as learning The Bump.

No, it was plenty fun! The show will be a bumpin' good time. & it's on tomorrow (that's Monday) morning from 7:30 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington. This is a direct link to the audio stream of the station. I'll archive the show later on the Self Help Radio web site.

I'm glad I didn't hit a speed bump!

Preface To Bump: A Bump On The Head

The internets is a scary place. Look at the title of this web page: A Simple Bump On The Head Can Kill You

I bump my head almost too often. It never gets as comically huge as it can - & no one has ever filmed a bump on my head on a plane - but I especially hit my head a lot when I am putting away dishes & forget the cabinet doors above the dishwasher are open.

There are many different kinds of head injuries, & luckily, this website tells me "[M]ost people recover from head injuries & have no lasting effects." You have convinced me of your benevolence internets!

Meanwhile, make sure you notice the sign that tells you not to bump your head on the sign:

Happy Birthday Gertrude Stein!

Here she is reading a poem to Picasso. (Audio only.)

Thursday Picture Of A Pet

This is my cat Beatrice. She's the pet I've had who's been with me the longest, entering my life in the summer of 2000, a very shy & skittish little thing who, before she became too big to do so, used to amuse my by running up my curtains.

I taught her how to poop! It's true. She apparently didn't know (maybe she was weaned too early) & so I looked online to discover that a mother cat will lick the baby cat's bottom to encourage poopage. I chose to use a warm towel.

She's never thanked me for that.

She's quite lovely, don't you think?

Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!

Oh, Self Help Radio was a greedy radio show today with all its gimme gimme gimme! What did it want? Gimme everything! it said. A difficult show to be sure but what do you expect? It's just nine years old!

There were too many gimmes on the show today & you can listen to them at the Self Help Radio web site. Should you prefer to listen to the show directly, there are links to the show's two parts here: part one & part two. You don't have to say "Gimme!" - what's in each part is listed below.

If I had thought about it sooner, or if I put any real planning into the show, I might have made gimme caps to give away. But I didn't. Oh well!

(part one)

"Gimme" Freddie Fresh _Accidentally Classic_
"Gimme Gimme" Bo Diddley _The Chess Years (1955-1974)_
"Gimme, Gimme, Gimme" Hot Lips Page _1946-1950_

"Gimmie, Gimmie" Bobbyteens _Young & Dumb_
"Gimme The Nite" Laptop _The Old Me Vs. The New You_
"Gimme Gimme Good Lovin'" The Mitch Easter Sound _Right To Chews: Bubblegum Classics Revisited_
"Gimme Some Of Yours" Rhetta Hughes _Relight My Fire_
"Gimme You" Sado Nation _History Of Portland Punk, Vol. 1_
"Gimme Gimme" The Demands _Garage Justice Vol 1_

"Gimme Some" Nina Simone _Four Women: The Nina Simone Philips Recordings_
"Gimme Some Lovin'" The Spencer Davis Group _The British Invasion: The History Of British Rock, Vol. 4_
"Gimme A Little Sign" Brenton Wood _Baby You Got It_

(part two)

"Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment" The Ramones _Hey! Ho! Let's Go: The Anthology_
"Gimme Some Truth" John Lennon _Imagine_

"Gimme Shelter" Merry Clayton _Strange Games & Funky Things Vol. 5_
"Gimme Some Slack" The Cars _Panorama_
"Gimme A Li'l Taste" Al Miller _Complete Works In Chronological Order (1927-36)_
"Gimme Danger" The Stooges _Raw Power_
"Gimme Dat Ding" The Pipkins _Super Hits Of The 70's: Have A Nice Day! Vol. 6_

"Gimme Some Skin" Delta Rhythm Boys _Dry Bones_
"Gimme A Little Kiss" Michael Landon _Hey! Look What I Found Vol. 11_
"Gimme A Try" Clarence Reid _The Dial Records Southern Soul Story_
"Gimme Bubblegum!" The Fantasies _Earth Life_
"Gimme Some Time" The Nerves _One Way Ticket_
"Gimme Your Heart" Subs _Kilt By Death: The Sound Of Old Scotland_

Whither Gimme?

There are a lot of songs with the word "gimme" in the title or within.

There are a lot more with the proper, not contracted version "give me" in the title or within.

Self Help Radio aims to explore the "gimmes" not the "give mes."

Even though there are a lot of "give me" songs that we will not get to play. Because the songs aren't entitled "gimme." We must therefore assume, although it does seem like a lot of the singers are singing "gimme," that in fact they are singing "give me."

What a shame.

Gimme Self Help Radio, you say? It's on tomorrow morning at 7:30 am in Lexington on 88.1 fm WRFL. You can listen online at WRFL dot fm, & because someone asked for it, here's a direct link to the stream.

The show will be archived later tomorrow at self help radio dot net.

Gimme, gimme, gimme. Greedy! You're greedy!