The Gary Files # 8: Gary Coleman

(I found this image here.)

An explanation: Since the name Gary is going extinct, I thought it incumbent upon me to celebrate more notable Garys than myself.  This is the eighth of a series!

Gary Coleman was, according to the Wikipedia, "an American actor, voice artist, & comedian, best known for his role as Arnold Jackson in Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986) & for his small stature as an adult."

When did you first become aware of him?  The television show Diff'rent Strokes, of course.

Did you watch all eight years of the show?  Oh no.  I probably stopped watching it around the time I went to high school.  But before that, yeah, I watched the show a lot.

Did you like it?  Here's the thing.  There was a time in my childhood when the television was always on.  You just watched it.  Only later, probably after puberty, did one start thinking, "Oh, this is good" or "Man, this sucks."  Watching television was something that I came to think critically about once I was taught to think critically.  So the clichéd & preposterous hijinks of Arnold & Willis in a rich white man's household were not nearly as interesting to me as, say, a situation comedy set in World War II German POW camp.  I could appreciate that sort of nonsense!

Do you remember when you decided you wouldn't watch the show?  It's important to understand that I was horrified when Ronald Reagan became president.  I wasn't a Democrat or a Republican then, but I understood he was a charlatan who was there to reward the rich people who supported him.  Plus, he was a religious nutjob who talked about nuclear armageddon in a more or less positive light.  I went to bed every night for the first half of the eighties expecting to die in an atomic bomb apocalypse.  So when his bird-boned wife appeared on a very special episode, I knew I couldn't watch the show anymore.

Do you remember when he ran for governor of California?  I do!  It was after Gray Davis' recall.  Everyone ran for governor, & of course the Terminator won.  Coleman himself received over twelve thousand votes!

Did you know his growth was stunted by a disease?  Yes, I just read that.  He suffered from "focal segmental glomerulosclerosis, an autoimmune kidney disease," & had two kidney transplants, both unsuccessful, & had to have daily dialysis.  A fucked up way to live.

Do you know how he died?  Yeah, he feel down the stairs, & suffered an epidural hematoma.  He possibly had seizures.  He was 42.  It's crazy that, during the time he was on Diff'rent Strokes, he & I were the same age.  He was born less than a month after I was.

Is his name really Gary?  Yes, Gary Wayne Coleman, though he was adopted.  I don't know if that was his birth name - it probably wasn't - his adopted parents' name was Coleman.

Do you know why he was named Gary?  I assume his adopted parents had their reasons.

Self Help Radio 111015: Turtles

(Original image here.)

Yay turtles!  Listen: turtles loved yesterday's show.  How do I know?  I know because I got zero - that means none - calls from turtles complaining about the quality of the show!  That hardly ever happens!  Which is why I need to do more reptile-based shows.  Otherwise, it's complaining, complaining, complaining from turtles, snakes, alligators - & those guys get on the phone & they're mean.  They make me cry, sometimes.

No matter!  The turtles are happy, & perhaps you will be too.  In addition to tons of turtle songs (all listed below), I interview the famous internet sensation Turtle Man, I talk to a gerontologist who studies the longevity of turtles, & I talk to the turtle-ish Mark Miller in Hollywood.  I can guarantee that for the length of the time you listen to the show, you will not get any complaints from turtles!

The show is in its shell at the Self Help Radio website.  Psst!  Pay attention to password information on the page.  Otherwise: turtle complaints!  Enjoy both parts of the show which, in played in succession in real time, approximate what the actual show as it aired sounded like!

Turtles!

(part one)

"Turtles" PBNJ Buchanan _SHR: Take Carapace_
"The Turtle Song" Connie Haines with the Russ Case Orchestra _The Heart & Soul Of Connie_
"Green Turtle" Burl Ives _A Little Bitty Tear: The Nashville Year 1961-1965_
"Turtles & Trees" Bobby Sherman _Here Comes Bobby_
"Turtle" Tuna Helpers _I'll Have What She's Having_

"Little Turtle" Joe Bennett & The Sparkletones _ABC/Paramount Rock & Roll Party, Vol. 1_
"Turtle" Ernie & Neal _Rock & Roll Band_
"Turtle Woman" Christopher Guest _Buy This Box Or We'll Shoot This Dog: The Best Of The National Lampoon Radio Hour_
"Turtle Crazy" Toy Dolls _Cheerio & Toodlepip!_

"The Hare & The Tortoise" Mercury Childcraft _The Hare & The Tortoise_
"The Tortoise & The Hare" Joan Gerber _The Story Lady_
"The Turtle & The Hare" The P.F. Flyers _Hollywood Maverick: The Gary S. Paxton Story_
"Tortoise & The Hare" The Moody Blues _Question Of Balance_
"Tortoise Regrets Hare" James Yorkston _When The Haar Rolls In_

"Turtle Island" Beach House _Devotion_
"Turtle Pond (feat. Mark Kozelek)" Desertshore _Drawing Of Threes_

(part two)

"Bert The Turtle (The Duck & Cover Song)" Dick "Two-Ton" Baker _Atomic Platters_
"Turtles" Professor Peter Schickele _Sneaky Pete & The Wolf_
"Tricky Turtle" Blockhead _The Music Scene_

"Turtle Bait" The Jazz Butcher _Cult Of The Basement_
"Data For The Turtle In The Maze" Kleenex Girl Wonder _Graham Smith Is The Coolest Person Alive_
"Turtle Songs Of North America" They Might Be Giants _Podcast Highlights_
"Turtle Shell" Cloud Cult _They Live On The Sun_

"Turtles Have Short Legs" Can _Radio Waves_
"Turtle" Artery _Into The Garden: An Artery Collection_
"Turtles" Moustache _Moustache_
"Who Would Understand A Turtle?" Lemuria _The First Collection_

"Turtle Beach" Eric Von Schmidt _2nd Right, 3rd Row_
"Turtles All The Way Down" Sturgill Simpson _Metamodern Sounds In Country Music_

Whither Turtles?

(This image - & many very cute others - are here.)

Hmm, didn't I tell you yesterday why I'm doing a show about turtles?  Someone asked me to.  Someone I know who, I might add, does not have a turtle as a pet.  But I guess you can just like turtles.  That's cool.  I loved cats for like twenty-six years before one befriended me.

Maybe also I told you I was gone all weekend, so this show is going to be a shambling mess.  I spend a great deal of time on my shows - not that you can tell - but I had to cram three or four days of listening, rearranging, planning, fretting, into a little over twenty-four hours.  I am a bit frantic & ill-prepared at this moment.

Please come watch me stumble & flail about & fall!  All in the name of turtles!  That's 4pm today on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington, & online at wrfl dot fm.  I'll archive it tomorrow at self help radio dot net but don't worry!  I'll leave it as big a mess as it happened.  I am terrible at polishing turds.

See you then!

Preface To Turtles: The Hunt For Turtle Songs

This is going to be a boring discussion (if you can have a discussion with yourself) about a dumb dilemma I sometimes have with the radio program I do.  It's about certain themes.

Themes will happen when I least expect them, & they'll often happen without a cursory glance about to see if there are enough songs to populate a radio show about that theme.  In the case of turtles, it was a suggestion from a friend.  "You should do a show about turtles," she said.  "Okay," I said, & put it on the calendar (I will often program requested shows sooner than the ones that spring from my poor imagination), without checking first if I have in my ramshackle music collection enough songs for two hours of turtle music.

The short answer is, I do.  The issue I had is, many of them are instrumental.

Of course a radio show that's all instrumental is fine.  I have programmed electronic & jazz & surf shows which featured predominantly non-vocal music.  But something about Self Help Radio makes me want to make sure that the songs at the very least mention the theme, or something relating to the theme.  I wanted to play the Sundays last week, on the poetry show, not because the word "poetry" was in the title of the song (it wasn't, the song was called "My Finest Hour"), but because I liked that singer Harriet Wheeler repeatedly sang, "Poetry is not for me," throughout the song.

Instrumental tracks can have the show's theme in their titles, & I usually play such tracks under or behind my voice during airbreaks.  But during the show?  Something about the song needs to speak to the show's topic that week beyond the title.

There are great jazz tunes with turtle in the title.  Ditto electronica.  What I discovered is that there aren't really all that many songs, period, about turtles.  Not even children's songs!  Rest assured, there are enough turtle songs to populate tomorrow's show, but I like to have a lot to choose from.  There weren't a lot.  Alas.

Don't worry about me - I think it'll be a good show.  & I think I shouldn't worry about such things, you know, because it's just a dumb radio show.  But still.  It's something I do fret about.

Okay, I'm Back - What? Sunday's Nearly Over?

Let me tell you, the worst thing about having eight awesome animals is that you miss the hell out of them when they're not around.  Of course, they didn't go anywhere - my friend Ben watched them - & I have to be honest, it was nice to not have to worry about them while I was in Texas.  So glad to be with them again though!  Four days away was rough.

Now I have to work on a show!  I should probably get some sleep.

Any thoughts about Texas?  Look, I've complained about this before: there's not a vegetarian or vegan restaurant within sixty miles of Lexington, & places that have vegan options (of which there are maybe five) seem to have them begrudgingly.  Going to Dallas, you have not only amazing Ethiopian food (Lalibela), but possibly the best all-vegan diner in the world (Spiral Diner), among other treats (like vegan donuts at Glazed Donut Works, which has a vegan donut choice every damn day*).  Then we went to Austin for a day, where we discovered an extraordinary vegetarian (many items vegan!) food truck called Shhmaltz (the Reuben is divine, the Bob Dylan is a revelation), & I had breakfast (vegan pancakes, yum) at the same old Kerbey Lane (now twice its size) that I went to twenty-seven years ago, & pretty much all the time until five years ago.  Gah!  So much food!

Also I got to see dear friends whom I never really ever get to see.  That was better than all the food in the world.

Oh no!  Look at the time!  Radio show!  Sending tee shirts out!  Maybe even getting sleep?

* I called a hip new donut place here in Lexington & asked if they served vegan donuts.  The person on the other line said, "Why would we do that?"

On Vacation

Your fumbling host is having a weekend getaway to the exotic wilds of Texas (I hope I am spelling that right - I'm not sure what language that is) this weekend, so posting here is going to be light or maybe even nonexistent (well, okay, not that).  Please excuse.  Irregularly regular posting should resume when I'm back in town Sundayish.

Self Help Radio 110315: Poetry

(Original image here.)

Ooo, Self Help Radio got all literary & shit this week, with a highbrow show about poetry.  All the pseudo-intellectuals were there.  Who was there?  Let me see.  There was me.  & that was enough!

Also: I talked to a professor who's written a book called "Anyone Can Write Poetry."  We returned to our never-popular "Talk Back" segment to hear a listener tell us why he doesn't like poetry.  & I cold-called my spiritual advisor the Reverend Doctor Howard Gently, who was kind enough to share his insights about poetry.  Of course plenty of swell music.  About poetry.  & poets.  Like I said: highbrow.

There was a rumor that listening to this show will count as a three-credit college English class credit, but I can neither confirm nor deny that I totally made that up.  I suggest you take it up with the bursar.  Or the ombudsman.  Or the registrar.  Or any bureaucratic office on campus whose actual duties are confusingly named.

The show is now at the Self Help Radio website for your listening - er, enjoyment?  Maybe?  Please remember the password information, or don't, as it's written on the page.  The show is in two hour-long parts.  What are in the parts I have noted below.

Try to guess the show's rhyme scheme!

(part one)

"Mr. Poem" Mike Batt _Mr. Poem_
"San Francisco Poet" Nikki Sudden _Crown Of Thorns_
"Poet" Sly & The Family Stone _There's A Riot Goin' On_

"Poets Problem" Blondie _Plastic Letters_
"Poets Turmoil No. 364" Anne Clark _Changing Places_
"Poems" Bo Burnham _WHAT._
"Bad Poetry" Soko _My Dreams Dictate My Reality_
"She's Never Read My Poems (7" mix)" Television Personalities _She's Never Read My Poems EP_

"Poetry Of Destruction" Andrei Codrescu _No Tacos For Saddam_
"Poet, Fool, Or Bum" Lee Hazlewood _Poet, Fool, Or Bum_
"The Old Poet" The Palisades _A Month Too Soon 12"_
"Poetry Man" Phoebe Snow _Phoebe Snow_

"It's Not A Poem" Brideshead _Some People Have All The Fun_
"Not Poetry" Milky Wimpshake _Popshaped_
"Dead Poets" Lida Husik _Fly Stereophonic_

(part two)

"Dead Poets Make Me Smile" Bubblegum Lemonade _Some Like It Pop_
"The Poet's Dead" Rah Rah _The Poet's Dead_

"Cemetry Gates" The Smiths _The Queen Is Dead_
"Sister I'm A Poet" Colin Meloy _Colin Meloy Sings Morrissey_
"The Uncertainty Of The Poet" Kurt Elling featuring Stefon Harris & Laurence Hobgood _Man In The Air_
"Physics For Poets" Patton Oswalt _Werewolves & Lollipops_
"Teenage Poetry" Suburban Kids With Biblical Names _# 2 EP_

"Poetry In Motion" Bobby Vee _The Very Best_
"Poet For A Generation" Charlie Fawn _Charlie Fawn_
"Profit In Your Poetry" Butcher Boy _Profit In Your Poetry_
"My Finest Hour" The Sundays _Reading, Writing & Arithmetic_

"Poet Is Priest..." Julian Cope _Jehovahkill_
"Chatterton" Mick Harvey _Intoxicated Man_
"A Poem On The Underground Wall" Simon & Garfunkel _Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, & Thyme_
"Pop Art Poem" The Jam _Sound Affects_
"Love Poems To The Lovely Juanita Beasley" Andy Griffith _This Here Andy Griffith_

Whither Poetry?

(I found this image here.)

Confession time: I used to write poetry.  I might even share some with you if you ask.  But it was pretty bad.  & that's okay, because most poetry is pretty bad.  I once compared poets with singer-songwriters - the vast majority of each are most probably going to be churning out god-awful material.

There was a conundrum I had to deal with in regards to this show, which is this: should the show be about poets & poetry, or should it be songs that are inspired by poems?  Or perhaps songs that were actual poems, set to music?  I decided to go with the former.  It doesn't mean that I won't do the latter at some point, but today the show will focus on songs about poetry & poets in general.

Will there also be an interview with someone who wrote a book called "Everyone Can Write Poetry"?  Will a listener who hates poetry get a chance to explain why?  Will I maybe decide to telephone my spiritual mentor?  What will a radio program about poetry sound like, anyway?

You'll have to listen to find out!  It's on from 4 to 6 pm on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington, & online at wrfl dot fm.  I'll archive it tomorrow at the Self Help Radio website, but it might sound more rehearsed then.  It may be more like a slam poetry night if you listen live.

(Seriously, I have no idea what I'm talking about.)

Preface To Poetry: 2200!!

Oh yaz, we have now reached post number two two zero zero commonly known as twenty-two hundred or two thousand & two hundred - & no one's really very excited about it except me.

That's cool.  I am perfectly able to appreciate the achievement ("achievement") without you throwing me a party or baking me a cake or even saying "congrats!" in the comments section of this very blog.  Just like I've gone several weeks at a time doing my radio show without a single caller.  I understand I operate in near obscurity.

Here's some news, though: the shirts for the 13th Anniversary should arrive this week.  Alas, I'll be out of town this weekend.  But I'll start sending them out next week.  I hope they look good.  I'm pretty excited.

One of my oldest friends is a poet.  His name is Dale Smith, & he may be my only close friend who has a Wikipedia page.  He's quite good, too.  I asked him if maybe he'd like to write poems for my show, & he was very sweet & wrote a very touching one for my kitchen show this summer, & the wife asked me today why I didn't involve him in my show this week.

Here's the thing: while the songs I play are usually pretty seriously about the theme, most of my airbreaks are designed to be entertaining.  (Just because they may not be is mostly my fault.)  Dale is a pretty serious damned poet.  I felt weird presenting his talent in the midst of my farce.  So I haven't asked him again.  Honestly, I think he was just humoring me the first time!  Self Help Radio is several levels below his pay grade.

The past few days I have been wondering if he'd like this week's show.  I won't tell him about it - the whole idea embarrasses me.

But!  I soldier through!  Tomorrow!  A show about poetry!  That might even feature some poetry!  But!  Today!  An accomplishment!  2200 posts on this stupid blog!

Damn it!  I should've written a poem about it!

2199

That's a scary future date.  Will the world be underwater?  Will it be Martian water?

It's also the number of this post.  I've written two thousand, one hundred, & ninety-nine posts on this blog.  Counting today's.  That's fucking crazy.

When I was a kid, like in elementary school, I wanted so badly to have my own line of comics books.  I would take a piece of paper, fold it, & on the outside draw a front + back cover, & on the inside the story.*  Rarely did I finish an actual story.  I remember I had named the comics line - something like GAD Comics (GAD are my initials), but I can't really remember - but I was most proud of the tag line: "We're not newer, we're just better."

There were probably no more than ten of these - many of them written & drawn hastily in-between dumb assignments in school - & naturally they were all very derivative.  I was not going to be a comics writer or artist when I grew up, not with this stuff in evidence.

The point of this little aside is that I hardly ever finished anything I started when I was a kid, & really, well into adult life.  I grew bored easily, & I lacked the patience & follow-through to commit to something that might have led to a more creative life.  But oh well.  Because:

This blog has almost got 2200 posts!  The fourteen year old me would have been astonished.

Hell, I am astonished.  Not just because of the posts here, but that I'm on my fourteenth year of a silly radio program.  Who would've thunk it?

Probably not my mom.  She would've thrown out all my tapes after I moved the show from Austin.

That last line only has bite if you've read the note below.  I am still not a very good writer.

* Oh yes, I would have gladly saved all of these, & carried them with me for the rest of my life.  Alas, I came home from school some time in the seventh or eighth grade to find my mother had thrown them all away when she cleaned out my closet.  Any bit of creativity - anything I wrote & drew before that time - was consigned to a dumpster.  No, I have never forgiven her for that.

The Gary Files # 7: Gary Numan

(I found this picture here.)

An explanation: Since the name Gary is going extinct, I thought it incumbent upon me to celebrate more notable Garys than myself.  This is the seventh of a series!

Gary Numan is, according to the Wikipedia, "an English singer, songwriter, musician, & record producer."  You probably know him, if you know of him at all, from his hit single "Cars."

When did you first become aware of him?  I heard & enjoyed the song "Cars" on the radio.

You like it?  Sure, it was catchy.  It was the beginning of new wave music, & it coincided with my discovery of other bands that would, briefly, appear on commercial radio, thanks to their popularity.  I would say they appeared in spite of the corporate radio structure.

Did you know anyone who hated him?  Oh yeah.  My friend Russell thought he was a Bowie rip-off.  He spoke of him with great disdain.  At the time, I hadn't heard anything else but "Cars," & wasn't really in a position (had no money, had no know-how) to explore any artist.  I didn't know about independent record stores, etc.  What I liked & knew about was confined to what I heard about on the radio, what I had been given to me by friends on cassette, & my older brothers' meager classic rock collection.  If they had a Gary Numan disc, I wasn't interested enough to listen to it then.

But did you start liking him later?  I like him fine, mainly the Tubeway Army stuff, & the album Replicas.  I confess that while I have a few of his 80s & 90s releases, I haven't listened to them much.  But boy do I know people who really love him.  Whew.

Did you know he married a member of his fan club?  Really?  When?

1997.  Ah.  He must be one of those musicians who really benefit from having an online presence.  But I suppose he's also much more popular in Britain than he has ever been here, since I know his 80s albums did well there.  Maybe I should have listened to more of his stuff before I started answering questions about him.

Is his name really Gary?  Yes, but his last name really isn't Numan.  His full name is Gary Anthony James Webb.  Sounds rather British.

I think Gary Numan is a pretty good punk rock name, even if he really isn't punk rock.  When a dude renames himself, he may feel like a new man.

Do you know why he was named Gary?  I have no idea.  He was born in 1958 so it might not be because of the actor.  Perhaps it was the name of a friend of his parents in London.  It's not something that's easy to find online.

Are 'friends' electric?  You know I hate to ask.

Hallowe'en Spooktacular!!

It turns out that I've been hoarding old Halloween shows on my site, & perhaps you opt out of the old Halloween fun & games, so why not listen to old radio shows of questionable quality?  In alphabetical order below are five old & one new Self Help Radio Halloween shows plus one RFL sub show that revised & expanded on an old Halloween show.  Enjoy, if you can!

Halloween 2015: Clowns!

Halloween 2014: Mummies!

Halloween 2013: Hell!

Halloween 2012: Nightmares!

Halloween 2011: Graveyards!

Halloween 2010: Haunted Houses!

Halloween 2010 Bonus: Zombies!

Self Help Radio 102715: Halloween 2015 - Clowns!

(I found the original image on the Clownopedia.)

There were two interesting phone calls I got yesterday (I should say especially interesting - all of the calls I get are interesting!) regarding this show I did about clowns:

The first caller told me something I didn't know, which is that clown colleges are apparently closing all across the country.  It surprised me that there was more than one clown college, as I had known about only one, which closed in the last century.  But, as I hate & fear clowns, as all sane people should, I said "Good!"  The caller did not share that sentiment, but did imply that my show was part of the general zeitgeist that's resulted in people not wanting to be clowns anymore.  I also think he hung up on me!

The second caller asked me, "Are you really afraid of clowns?"  I was taken aback!  What sort of person would do an entire radio show about clowns, revealing his anxiety & phobia on the public airwaves, talking with his psychologist, his spiritual advisor, & a former clown about his apprehensions?  It's almost like that person imagined that I would pretend to be someone else for the sake of the show's theme, that I would air fake interviews with funny people pretending to be experts!  I have no idea how anyone would get such an idea.

In any event, if it's a Halloween show you want, it's a Halloween show you'll get.  You may listen to it, if you dare, anytime at the Self Help Radio website.  It's so frightening I had to password protect it, so you'll have to find that information on the page.  It's in two parts, & what songs are in those two parts are listed below.

You've been warned!

(part one)

"Be A Clown" Judy Garland & Gene Kelly _De-Lovely Cole Porter_
"Bravo Pour Le Clown" Edith Piaf _The Essential Collection_
"The Clown" Roy Orbison _Orbison 1955-1965_

"No One Really Loves A Clown" Johnny Crawford _The Complete Del-Fi_
"Everybody Loves The Clown" Nirvana _All Of Us_
"Everybody's Clown" Johnny Dynamite _Southern Soul Showcase_
"Space Clown" Jobraith _Jobraith_
"Space Klown" Sissybar _Songs For Peeps_

"Killer Klowns" The Dickies _Killer Klowns From Outer Space_
"Clowny Clown Clown" Crispin Hellion Glover _The Big Problem ≠ The Solution. The Solution = Let It Be._
"Clown" Ric Menck _The Ballad Of Ric Menck_
"The Clown" Chuck Wilder _Eccentric Soul: The Tragar & Note Labels_

"The Clowns Are In Town" The Go-Betweens _G Stands For Go-Betweens: The Go-Betweens Anthology Volume 1_
"Clown Strike" Elvis Costello _Brutal Youth_

(part two)

"Clown Town" Steve Clayton _Clown Town_
"Jumper Clown" The Wedding Present _It's A Gas_
"Chromium Clown" Gary Wilson _Alone With Gary Wilson_

"Don't Send In The Clowns" Zorak _Space Ghost's Musical Bar-B-Que_
"Tears Of A Clown" The Beat _What Is Beat?_
"Don't Kill The Clowns" Soda Fountain Rag _Sometimes I Wonder If You Have A Heart_
"Death Of A Clown" The Kinks _Something Else By The Kinks_

"Eiderdown Clown" The Scots Of St. James _Circus Days: UK Pop-Sike Obscurities, 1966-1970_
"Pantomime Clown" Damien Youth _Strangest Hits, Vol. 1_
"Cabaret Clown" Marc Almond _Varieté_
"Clown Town" Laughing Clowns _Throne Of Blood, Reign Of Terror_

"The Clown Prince" The Triffids _The Black Swan_
"The Way Of A Clown" Teddy Randazzo _The Way Of A Clown_

Whither Clowns?

(I found that image here.)

Halloween shows!  They're the bane of my existence!  That might be appropriate!  But I notice a lot of deejays are happy to break out "The Monster Mash" once a year, & probably a lot of audiences are happy with that.  But not me!  I want to make sure each Halloween show is different than the last, because, of course, there are many different elements of Halloween that can be explored.  So, Self Help Radio has done shows about ghosts, vampires, monsters, zombies, werewolves, haunted houses, graveyards, nightmares, hell, & mummies. Such a long list! Where does the restless programmer go from here?

As an avid fan of Halloween, you must agree that there are surely some things out there that are scarier than all of these. For years, as I did these shows, I knew - I knew - in the back of my mind I was forgetting the worst of all. The terror that, unlike many of these others, was very real, was almost common, that had, unlike mummies or zombies, convinced the rest of the world that they were harmless, objects of delight for children, beings that could easily exist in a theatre or a three-ring circus without being frightening of all. These were - it hurts to say this - the clowns.

You've heard that line, the best trick the devil pulled was convincing everyone he/it doesn't exist. I disagree. I disagree vehemently. The worst trick pulled on the human race was clowns convincing the world they were objects of fun, & not fearsome creatures making nightmares into reality.

Self Help Radio will expose these horrors on the show this afternoon! It's on from 4 to 6 pm in the airwaves on 88.1 fm (in Lexington) &; in the computer waves at wrfl dot fm.  Tune in!  It may save you from a clown!

Preface To Halloween 2015: Clowns! - Scared Of Clowns

There are a few good articles online about coulrophobia, or fear of clowns.  (That word is a recent coinage - have clowns been getting more scary in the last few years?)  I will link them below for your reading convenience (I will be sharing them on social media all day today too):

This Telegraph article shares "their terrifying history."

This Psychology Today article talks about why we get afraid in the first place.

The Vulture has an interview with a Harvard psychiatrist about why I'm so scared of clowns.

One more:

The Smithsonian Magazine has a history of people being frightened by clowns throughout history.

Self Help Radio tomorrow will shock & startle with two hours of (gulp) clown songs!

Marilyn & Her Hi-Fi

Almost certain she'd be listening to Self Help Radio if she were around these days.

The Gary Files # 6: Gary Gygax

(Image from his Wikipedia page.)

An explanation: Since the name Gary is going extinct, I thought it incumbent upon me to celebrate more notable Garys than myself.  This is the sixth of a series!

Gary Gygax was, according to the Wikipedia, "an American game designer & author best known for co-creating with Dave Arneson the pioneering role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons (D&D). Gygax has been described as the father of D&D."

When did you first become aware of him?  In ninth grade, when I was introduced to D&D.  His name was on all the books: Advanced D&D (which I always called The Dungeon Master's Guide), the Monster Manual, & the Player's Handbook, all of which I acquired in time.

Were you a super-nerdy D&D player?  I wanted to be.  But the group I was with wasn't very adventurous (no pun intended).  I remember in my first game asking the Dungeon Master, after he said I did five points of damage to some creature, "What did I do?  Did I take off a limb?  Was there lots of blood?  Will he be able to have children?"  The DM looked at me blankly & said, "You did five points of damage.  Now roll again."

Did you do things to exacerbate the situation?  That's overstating it.  But once I realized that they were not going to be inventive & fun, I went ahead & had my own fun.  I had a paladin I named Perry.  I did this because they were naming their characters Frodo & Bilbo & the like.  When I got a ranger, I named him Iridium, which everyone liked, until I told them it was the name of a metal element.  Then they frowned again.

So you didn't play for a very long time?  All told, probably less than a year.  My friend Scott, who had introduced me to the game, moved away, & then there were only three of us.  Scott kind of was our common friend, we didn't really hang out as a trio after that.  It's very possible that they found other people to play & didn't invite me.  Scott & I would still talk about our characters, but I'm sure he found other people to play with, too.  I never did.

Wait.  I think there might have been an opportunity to play again later in high school, & I might even have joined a group, but my heart wasn't in it.  I was more into listening to music & dealing with my depression at that point.

Was it cool that the guy who invented D&D was named Gary?  I didn't think about it at the time, but then, I never noticed in those early days that I was usually the only Gary in my class.  But I do think the name was unfamiliar enough that for many years, some people would remember my name as Greg.

Is his name really Gary?  It's his middle name.  His full name is Ernest Gary Gygax.  I'm sure he dropped the Ernest for the alliteration.  "Gary Gygax" sounds like the alias for a Stan Lee/Jack Kirby super-villain.

So, the name, it's probably because of Gary Cooper again?  He was born in 1938, so, probably.

What the hell sort of name is Gygax?  Wikipedia said his dad was Swiss.  But.  Your guess is as good (& maybe as equally uninformed) as mine.

Self Help Radio 102015: Belonging

(Original image here.)

Do we belong?  This is probably not a question that philosophers & deep thinkers have been asking & answering for many, many years.  It hadn't occurred to me, actually, until I started thinking about doing the show.  But once I did think about it, it became one of the many questions I ask out loud in public places that earn me dirty looks & threats from neighborhood toughs.

Self Help Radio this week attempted to resolve whatever issues about belonging there might be, but not with tired tactics like conversation or reasoning.  Instead, lots of songs said things like "you belong to me" or "you don't belong to me" or "I belong to you" or "I belong to nobody."  You get the drift.  Maybe some questions were answered, however, questions like, "Do heiresses belong on a university campus with their talking dogs?"  & "Is there a sense of belonging in Hollywood"?  & of course "Is the sort of guy who writes a book called You Don't Belong going to be a total jerk?"

You may find out what & who belongs yourself - it might be you, after all - by listening to this week's Self Help Radio episode.  You can find it on the Self Help Radio website.  Please pay attention to the password info there.  The show is in two roughly hour-long parts.  What is played in each hour is listed below.

Once you've downloaded it, the show belongs to you.  No take-backs!

(part one)

"Make Me Belong To You" Barbara Lewis _Hello Stranger: The Best Of Barbara Lewis_
"You Belong To My Heart" Julie London _Sings Latin In A Satin Mood_
"You Belong To Me" Cherry Vanilla _Venus D'Vinyl_

"Tonight You Belong To Me" Cubsimo Grafico _Tout!_
"This Is Where I Belong" The Kinks _Face To Face_
"Your Love Belongs Under A Rock" The Dirtbombs _Ultraglide In Black_
"A Sense Of Belonging" Television Personalities _The Painted Word_

"She Belongs To Me" Bob Dylan _Bringing It All Back Home_
"You Belong To Me" Elvis Costello _This Year's Model_
"Do I Belong?" The Hidden Cameras _Origin: Orphan_
"Right Here Is Where You Belong" Jerry Washington _Cheatin' Soul & The Southern Dream Of Freedom_

"Your Heart Belongs To Me" The Velvelettes _Does Anybody Know I'm Here?: Vietnam Through The Eyes Of Black America 1962-1972_
"She Belonged To Another" The Statesiders _Mindrocker: Anthology Of 60s US-Punk Garage Psych, Vol. 12_
"You Belong To Me" The Chesterfield Kings _Stop!_

(part two)

"We Belong" The June Brides _For Better Or Worse_
"It's The Love" The Breeders _Mountain Battles_
"You Belong With Us" My Favorite _Love At Absolute Zero_

"My Heart Belongs To Daddy" Mary Martin _American Musical Theater: Shows, Songs, & Stars, Vol. 2_
"Where Does Your Heart Belong?" The School _Reading Too Much Into Things Like Everything_
"I Belong To Nobody" Flaming Hands _Tales From The Australian Underground: Singles 1976-1989_
"Belong" The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart _Belong_

"She Doesn't Belong To Me" Pete & The Pirates _Little Death_
"You Belong With Me" X-Teens _Love & Politics_
"Bengali In Platforms" Morrissey _Viva Hate_
"Your Mind & We Belong Together" Love _Forever Changes_

"Need To Belong To Someone" Isaac Hayes _Black Moses_

Whither Belonging?

(I found this image here.)

Ah, a radio program about belonging!  This could indeed be ironic, because certainly for most radio deejays, doing a radio show is a solitary experience.  (I can't speak to commercial radio deejays, however - but they usually don't program their own shows themselves, so it's not something I can relate to.)  But those of us who love radio were drawn to it because of its ability to create a temporary community through love of music.  Sharing what one loves is surely a way to facilitate a sense of belonging.

It turns out, though, I'm kind of a loner.  I have many theories why that is, & it must have something to do with how I was raised, because most if not all of my siblings are (or appear to be) friendless.  Certainly my mother seems content to be by herself most of the time, or to have maybe one or two people whom she sees socially every once in a while.  I'm at my most gregarious when I am part of something I feel strongly about - especially non-commercial radio.  Outside of that, I'm usually reading, or listening to music, or watching a movie, or looking around the internet - stuff that doesn't require a community at all.  Perhaps I don't belong anywhere?

Today of course there are lots of songs about belonging (& not belonging) on Self Help Radio, so I hope you find your way over to 88.1 fm in Lexington (or wrfl dot fm everywhere else) around 4pm till around 6pm for this week's show.  If not, of course, I'll archive it on the SHR website, but you'll feel more like you belong if you listen live.

Just sayin'.

Preface To Belonging: That Groucho Marx Joke

It is going to take all my power to refrain, on tomorrow's show about "belonging," from mentioning one of my favorite quips of all time, by one of my favorite people of all time, Groucho Marx.  He wrote, in his book Groucho & Me: 

I sent the club [the Friar's Club of Beverly Hills] a wire, stating: "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION.  I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER."

To this day I find that so damn funny.  But I won't mention it tomorrow.  I promise.

But it does bring to mind something very real that I often found happening back in the days when I was youngish, carefree, & dating.  I would find myself with a lovely young lady with whom I might or might not have much in common.  There was an initial attraction, so we were going out, but something was off.  I guessed I didn't like her as much as I thought, or perhaps the fact that we had very little in common was more glaringly obvious by the day, but I knew the relationship was doomed.  In most cases, the relationship would end, of course, before that time - a bright young woman would naturally see me for the mediocre human being I am.  But if it were to go on - almost as if by intertia - I'd withdraw, possibly become more passive-aggressive, in order to sabotage the thing.

It doesn't matter what or how, but the relationship, whether two dates or two months long, would end.  & then suddenly - it never failed - suddenly, magically, I would fall heels over head in love with the woman.  I would be obsessive.  I would be heartbroken.  & I thought it might be sour grapes, at first, but I think the opposite would be more true: people usually nurse hate with a broken heart.

No, for me, it was the very Marxist revelation: I admired them for having the good sense, the exquisite taste, to reject me.  Dating me was a mark against them.  Dumping me was such a tremendously wise decision that it caused me to swoon.

In other words: I found it very hard to date a girl who would have someone like me as her boyfriend.

This of course happened in the absence of real love.  When real love happened, I was never bored, or focused on how little in common we had, or anything like that.  & there was no sudden insight of love when the relationship ended - I stayed in love because I was always in love.

Anyway - I won't talk about that, or the Groucho Marx quote tomorrow.  I swear.