Whither Twilight?

It's no secret that I am controlled by a shadowy world government slash offshore corporation with ties to organized crime & Jihadist insurgents all over the globe & also in Texas. But what remains a secret is the manner by which the themes which are featured on the Self Help Radio get suggested, vetted, chosen & approved. Did three of those last options mean about the same thing? Never mind. Finally, here, on this blog, will this secret be revealed! Of course, if you read about the secret on this blog, you will probably become the target of adorable ninja assassins who will kill anyone, anything, & any person to keep the secret safe. Wait. Did I say "adorable"? I meant "deadly." Sorry, my delete key is petulant.

First, there is nine days of mourning & funeral masses following the end of the last theme. It is interred generally on the fourth or fifth day. No sooner than 15 days after the previous theme & no later than 20 days after its end, all of the shareholders under the age of eighty convene. Currently the Self Help Radio has two shareholders, only one imaginary.

The shareholders will generally hold two ballots a day, one in the morning, one in the afternoon, & the ballots are burned. This is important, as it signals what the next theme might be: the burning of the secret ballots creates black smoke when no decision is reached, & the addition of magic chemicals (pop rocks) creates white smoke when one of the themes garners two-thirds of the votes, & is chosen. Modern shareholder meetings generally last no more than a few days, although the process could take longer if & when alcohol is involved.

Now, many people will have noticed that this process resembles in a lot of ways the manner by which a pope is chosen, especially the drinking. If this is what you have read, then the blog has already been censored & the process by which themes are chosen must remain secret. My apologies, but at least cute, fluffy ninjas will not be coming to kill you. Wait. Did I say "cute, fluffy"? I meant "alcoholic father." Sorry, my psychiatrist is messing with my prescription.

Also, can I make it clear this week's show is not about the popular Mormon Vampire Series "Twilight"? It just happens that the show was scheduled before the rise of that popular Mormon Vampire & Gay Werewolf phenomenon. It most certainly was not a way to get teenagers to listen to the Self Help Radio! We're above all that.

Until we're told we're not. But until then. Yes.