Happy New Year!

(This image found here.)

Happy new year!  As we begin another three-hundred-sixty-five days around the calendar, the poorly-paid employees of Self Help Radio once again present the show's Radio Resolutions, to give you an idea what to expect in 2017 from a radio show you've almost completely forgotten about.  As always, treat these resolutions with the same respect & determination as you do your own.

1) Animals will no longer be allowed to host or guest-host the program.  They know why.

2) That joke where the deejay pretends to be talking to someone else, even though he's all by himself playing records, you know the one?  He'll keep doing it, but he'll be more self-conscious about it than before.

3) Very loud reminders that "YOU CAN TURN IT OFF, YOU KNOW" placed as bumpers between songs.

4) A letter to the heirs & estate of Henry David Thoreau has been drafted & will be sent as soon as an envelope & stamp are found, we promise, this year.

5) The lunch week has been reassigned thus: Nachos Monday; Tempeh Tuesday; Wino Wednesday; Tofu Thursday; & Every-Man-&-Woman-For-Themselves-Buffet Friday.

6) A "Sigh Jar" & an "Eye-Roll Jar" have been added to the shelf with the "Um Jar" & the "Expletive Jar."

7) Prank-calling homeopaths, naturopaths, aromatherapists, & rolfers will no longer be allowed on company time, except during breaks.

8) You know those atomizer things that announcers in old movies would use to spray into their mouths to clear their throats or dry their saliva or whatever the hell they were for?  You know them?  We're totally going to get one of those.

9) Obscurity is the new obviousness.

10) It's probably too late to turn back now.

Get ready for 2017!  It may actually be exciting!